Friend constantly moaning about baby - what can I do?

[LittleMrsMama]

Hello,

My friend has spent the last 9 months constantly complaining about her baby. Every day I get around 5 messages from her saying how hard it is, how she only got 5hrs sleep last night. She won't let anyone look after her baby so she can get some sleep (even her husband), and hasn't left the house with the baby in public the whole time he's been alive. I've been a great friend the last 9 months, listening trying to provide support, giving her lots of hugs when I can. I've been so worried about her and very aware of post natal depression (she hadn't been diagnosed with it but I know it's very common).

If I'm really honest we have started to lose our friendship because she only ever talks about the baby (negatively) and isn't interested in anything to do with me. I'm 8 1/2 months pregnant and I've had so many bumps along the way with the baby's health but when I've said anything she's just responded with a sad face and then sent photos of her baby and moaned about sleep. I would absolutely love a healthy baby! Her whole social media feed is about the baby and she has no other topic of conversation or interest in anything other than her baby.

Particularly now after 9 months and probably my hormones making me grouchy I'm getting very drained by it all. Is there any way I can help her and salvage the friendship? I'd never say it to her but in my head I'd want to remind her how lucky she is to have a healthy happy baby and that 5 hours sleep is fairly normal for a baby and that she needs to start her life again (even with restrictions she could go on walks or picnics with the baby). I feel guilty and like a bad friend even writing this post, I really don't mean to be insensitive but it's really taken it's toll on me to the point I dread seeing that I have a message from her because I know it'll be negative and hard to respond to.

Please help!

Crikey, I had absolutely no idea what being a mum would be like until it happened. Did loads of research but really was clueless 😂 I don’t moan about my child though. I also don’t think it gets harder everyday/year, I think it gets better and know it’s going too fast!

OP - you are in a difficult situation, I think you need to put the cards on the table in a kind way. Ask her if she is unwell and offer to support her to get help. You will have zero emotional capacity for this after your baby is born so do it now.

OP Ive been in your shoes, sort of. I had a friend who had a baby a year before me who struggling with PND. She quite obviously was having a tough time and I'll be honest I did think as you think, that she was lucky to have a healthy, lovely, happy, gorgeous baby. I could see it was hard but I didnt understand.

However when I had my baby, I get it. I don't have PND but what is the most important thing is to find your people, people who you can be honest with when you really aren't enjoying your lovely baby. Because lots and lots of baby care is sheer tedious slogging at best.

But it's ok for you not to be that person for your friend, I had to step back when I was pregnant as I found it hard to listen to when I was nervous of motherhood myself.

What you are describing in her not having a break or leaving the house doesn't sound normal.

@NotNowPlzz

Ffs *@HollowTalk* don't be dense. Anyone can come on Mumsnet and there is plenty here for childless or childfree people.

Yes of course there is. But if someone has an attitude like this I have no babies in my family, never held a baby, never babysat a baby but from my observations of parents and children the whole thing looks absolutely horrible. Backbreaking awful hard work on top of permanent sleep deprivation. to children then I wondered why they'd chosen this forum. I wasn't saying she shouldn't come on here but she's here on a parenting section of a parenting forum and I wondered why.

Does someone else take the baby out for fresh air and sunshine?

@furbabylife then why are you on the parenting section of MN?! 😂

Thank you for all your really helpful suggestions! I think you're right and she does need help so will suggest she speaks to a dr. I just need to be careful to do it in a way that doesn't come across like I don't care. Whenever I try to help and come up with suggestions she gets quite defensive as if it's her fault so now I just respond with sympathy which seems to go down better.

I've tried to arrange socially distanced walks with her but she said she can't arrange anything because the baby needs to constantly be fed, changed or sleeping so there's no convenient time for her to meet up and she never knows when it will be a good time until in that moment because the baby doesn't have a routine. She takes the baby into the garden and I think she's been on a couple of walks. We're all restricted at the moment anyway but she wouldn't dream of being in a coffee shop as an example.

I also agree that I'll never really understand what she's going through until I'm a new mum myself but that I also need to help her now. Both for her benefit but also because I just won't have the time or energy.

Any other thoughts or comments would be really helpful! I'll wait for her next text and reply then about getting help

It is hard at that stage to do things with a baby but you just get into a routine. So yeah it can take an hour or two to get ready but it sounds as though it will do her good. Keep trying OP. She needs to see it can be done and she can do it.

For those asking why a non-parent is on a parenting section of the site - I think this thread is more about friendship and communication than parenting. Having said that, ‘she should have thought of that before spaffing a kid out’ was a pretty grim comment to make.

I had a friend like this (notice l say had!). I got worn down by the moaning which got worse when she had number 2 shortly after number 1 -she wanted 2 close together. The endless comparisons, the endless it’s so hard for her, the endless it’s so “easy” for you. Who knew 2 years of infertility and failed IVF were easy, it doesn’t feel it from where l am sat. We parted ways at my instigation and it was a relief

@GarlicMcAtackney all of this!

I misread your OP and thought you’d said she had been diagnosed with PND, so thought she might already be getting help. If not and she hadn’t seen any health professionals about how she’s feeling then she definitely needs to do that ASAP.

I think you're on the right lines with your latest message OP. This does sound excessive - both her feelings (babies are hard, but the vast majority of mothers find joy as well, not pure relentless slog), and her reactions (by 9 months it's not normal to literally not be able to leave the house with the baby). I agree that encouraging her to talk to her GP or Health Visitor is a good plan.

I also wanted to say it's ok to need to distance yourself and prioritise your own mental health. Having a relationship with someone whose mental health manifests in constantly dragging you down and never supporting you is absolutely draining. You are 100% allowed to want to celebrate your own pregnancy and baby - and you'll need friends to listen when you find it hard (I can't imagine she will do that for you). So gently refer her, then take a step back.

She sounds depressed and the not going out/letting people help is a big concern. .. At 9-10months baby no longer needs to be constantly fed/sleep/changed etc... All of which can be done outside of the house anyway.... So this really shows its her mental health that's the issue rather than baby.

Is she due to go back to work soon?

Would something like this be too blunt?
'was just going through deleting my old messages and I realised just how long you've been struggling... Do you think it's worth a chat with your GP or health visitor?
I'm worried about you.
I know you are worried about covid 19 but can't you get your xxx and partner to help so you can at least get more sleep?'

If she comes back with excuses/saying it fine id talk to her about how few positive messages you get...
You could even use excuse that as your baby is due any time you are concerned for her

Everyone is right that a new baby is a shock and tough but after 9 months you are getting into the swing of things. OP isn't talking about someone with a 9 week old here. Your friend must have PND or something else is causing her anxiety because it's not usual to still be this way after that long. Not sayings it's wrong, but just it's not normal.

What about a socially distanced visit in her garden? Then it doesn't matter whether her baby needs a nap or a feed etc. Never mind by now baby is likely sitting up, eating solid food and able to be briefly engaged with toys which should make things easier.

Why doesn't she let her husband pick up the slack?

I've tried to arrange socially distanced walks with her but she said she can't arrange anything because the baby needs to constantly be fed, changed or sleeping so there's no convenient time

This cannot be the case for a nine month old. I wouldn’t be convinced by this at all - it sounds like she’s very anxious about going out and is making excuses not to. She definitely needs to see someone, this behaviour is not good for her or the baby. Have her family not helped her with this at all?

I disagree with a lot of this.

As a parent of a very high needs baby, it can be very very difficult to leave the house. Especially if your baby won’t go in the car/ pram/ sling etc. it can be hugely isolating and very difficult. For me it felt like a complete fog for the first year. After 9 months I was not ‘getting into the swing of things’. DD was still screaming most of the day at that point because she just generally hated being a baby. She’s an amazing happy little toddler, I love her more than anything, and whilst it’s worth it and I wouldn’t change anything, my god, that first 18 months was hell.

I did try not to complain to much but I was grateful to have my friends and Mumsnet to seek advice.

Not everyone has the same experience of being a parent and not everyone has the same baby. I think some of these comments are hugely ignorant and the OP should cut her poor friend some slack.

Its okay to take a step back OP. It all sounds very one sided.

I have a distant friendship with someone who was like this. It became very draining, I don't think we are designed to have someone off loading onto us the entire time. Friendship should be more than that.

The person I am thinking about is much the same 15 years later.

I agree that you mr friend sounds mentally unwell and you need to speak to her and her husband about it. She needs support.

Your friend does sound unwell and that you have been very kind. It did make me wonder if there is actually always an imbalance within your friendship and the current circumstance have made that more extreme or if this is entirely out of character for her.

She does sound like she would benefit from professional help and support and that it is reasonable to suggest it. But it is not your responsibility if she chooses not to pursue professional help, all you can really do is suggest it and hope at some point she will seek out help. I think you are still being a good friend to her if you put some boundaries in place and take a step back. Multiple texts a day sounds very draining over such a long period of time, perhaps you could mute the notifications and just read and respond when you feel like it. If she is a good friend really, then when she is in a healthy mental place (even though she isn’t right now), she wouldn’t want you to be drained. At 8 and a half months pregnant and after all the difficulties you have had, it seems like a good time for you to focus your mental and emotional energy on you and your baby for now. And while, yes, you don’t know what exactly she is going through, you have also been going through something very difficult that she does not fully understand either.

I don’t think this is about her baby. She sounds like the sort of person who expects a lot and doesn’t give much back. What was she like before she had him?

If it wasn’t her baby and she was banging on for nearly a year about her relationship and never instigated any changes, about her job but wasn’t looking for another etc and pretty much ignored your stressful pregnancy and worries about your own baby you’d be creating some serious space and stepping back to protect yourself. It’s inevitable that when your baby is here and you’re wrangling a newborn she’ll still be having a harder time, more exhausted than you, more stressed than you. She’ll say you’re lucky and can’t understand.

Friendships have to be mutually supportive and mutually worth it. This one sounds like a big drain of your energy. She could be helping herself, whatever’s going on with her. She’s an adult, she’s a parent, it’s up to her to seek appropriate help if she’s not coping and it’s too much to just keep dumping it on you.

It might be different if you weren’t pregnant but even then 9 months of incessant moaning is too much. I’m sure she has other people to offload to. It’s not your job.

Not long now and I wish you all the very best with the end of your pregnancy. Surround yourself with supportive people, radiators not drains!

Hi OP, I came across this thread and I just wanted to share my own experience. I have been in both situations (yours and your friends). It took me two years to conceive my son and I had to go through ivf in the end. When I was pregnant I couldn’t understand why people gave out about their children and like you I thought I would be so grateful to have a healthy baby. It frustrated me no end. Then when my baby came along I was hit hard with anxiety and depression. I felt like an absolute failure because all I had ever wanted was a baby. Nothing prepared me for having a baby, no amount of reading or observations can. I felt like I was complaining a lot too. But it wasn’t because I didn’t love my baby or I wasn’t appreciative of him. I was terrified I was doing a crap job, not cut out for it. I sought reassurance a lot. I understand how difficult it is at the moment for you, and it is important to fill your own cup. You can’t keep pouring from it if there’s nothing left to give. Your friend sounds like she may be experiencing depression. Rather than say it through a text message, maybe give her a call and say it very gently that you are concerned she may be depressed and would she consider talking to her GP.

@AnneLovesGilbert exactly, all of this. There doesn’t seem to be any balance of support, effort and worth to this friendship. I think OP needs to take a step back and prioritise herself

It sounds like your friend is in a REALLY bad way. Not leaving the house with the baby by 9 months and not letting anyone else look after it? Does that mean SHE hasn’t left the house in 9 months?!?! Either her baby is insanely difficult, or she is really not coping for some other reason. But she definitely needs some help - I think you really need to raise this with her. Worst comes to worst she won’t accept that and stops speaking to you.... which actually solves your problem in a way. But I hope she’ll realise she needs some help, her situation really doesn’t sound normal.

Otherwise, I think in your circumstances it would be reasonable to withdraw, at least a little bit (and probably a lot). This sounds like an incredibly one-sided friendship, and it sounds like you need some support right now, and in times to come.

Sounds like PND to me, it gets worse and worse if it’s not treated correctly.