'Teaching' emotional resilience to 5yo

[Indecisivelurcher]

Hi folks, I need some advice. My Dd age 5.5 is quite a complicated person and I'm unsure what I can do to help her self confidence. I don't know where to start with trying to explain... For years she said she didn't love her dad or grandparents, dh worked really hard on his relationship with her and as she got old enough to understand I had a proper heart to heart with her about her gp and they are now all good. Her preschool worked really hard to win her round through difficult times with the childminder who didn't want her back, preschool described her as the most defiant child but that once you're in, you're in. You cannot persuade her, bribe her or make her do anything. But underneath it all she's so so sensitive. She lies awake at night worrying. She's on melatonin prescribed by the doctor but was still up at 3am today and hasn't been back to sleep. She's got a worry monster to feed worries to. I have done mindfulness and yoga with her to try to help her learn to calm her mind down. She regularly says she's not good enough, she tries to be good but she'll never be as good as x y z friend / her brother. FYI she is not naughty, we don't have major problems with her behaviour, this is somehow a natural confidence thing. She's finding school difficult with friendship groups and is being left out by a couple of girls in particular, I've spoken to school about this twice in the 2wks they've been back. This is not all one sided as Dd is very inflexible, she's tried to get them to play exactly how she wants and it's not gone down well with these 2 girls who now won't play. This is amplified as they are in a small bubble of 9. I'm concerned because I just don't think Dd has got the resilience to cope, and I think strong relationships are going to be so important for her. She's really close to me, loves her dad and brother, my mum, and got a couple of close friends one girl in particular who she says she's in love with, she's a year younger. So how do I boost her up? Her teacher gave her 'star of the week' for maths, this was read out on a video message. Dd was watching it and went to smile, then her face just crumpled and she cried, from what she described I think she felt embarrassed and didn't like the attention. What on earth can I do to build her up? It's heartbreaking having this with any child yet alone at 5yo.

I hear you, I have a complicated 5yo too. If the dr prescribed melatonin then what else did they consider? I ask because some of what your write I recognise in my DS and he was diagnosed with ASD earlier this year. Most of these items would be termed ‘social communication difficulties’ and I think it’s worth evaluating these so that you can work out how best to help your DD. Note, I’m not diagnosing you’re DD, it’s a complex process and needs to be done by a professional (sometimes a team of), but it’s something I would want to explore in your position. Our DS’ diagnosis hit us quite hard, it’s not what we were expecting (we were looking to rule it out), but over time I can see that it almost certainly is correct, and at least now I have some kind of framework to help try to understand him.

Oops. No idea how the errant ‘you’re’ got in there. Still half asleep

As for how to build her up, I’m not sure. This is something we are also working on. From what I can work out right now, for us at least, it’s a feelings interpretation thing. So I’m working with him on recognising and validating his feelings. We have particular issues with anger, but worry is something that we struggle with too.

Thanks @Flamingolingo I would be surprised if its an actual thing but I'd be foolish to dismiss the idea out of hand. The doctor was quite happy to prescribe the melatonin, this was over a Yr ago, Dd was awake 1:30am for 2hrs every night like clockwork. Tbh I'm not sure it helped her much so we stopped it. Starting school was great for her, for a while she thrived on the routine. Then lockdown happened and we seem to be losing things...

FWIW, only a very small handful of people know about DS and they have all been very surprised. He doesn’t present as though he has any issues at all. But we started with some friendship issues in year R, he is also very rigid and inflexible, especially with his friends. He too thrives on the school routine, and was quite broken when lockdown started (but of course he got used to it and is now broken by going back to school). He has some self esteem issues, we will often hear he’s not good at something. We also hear ‘I hate you’ a lot when he’s angry. Anyway, it’s just a thought. But it can be quite a long process. Your GP should be nothing but understanding, and should help you to access some real help. In the meantime, and once school gets back into the swing you could request some ELSA (emotional literacy support).

Your last post is all totally true for Dd.

When I look back he was always quite a difficult child. I didn’t really have anything to compare with as he’s my perfect first born, but he was (and still is) very attached to me. He still doesn’t sleep through the night (he has a double bed and I fall into it when he wakes). I’ve spent his whole life trying to understand him and work out what makes him tick. With my other child I haven’t ever had that. He was an easy baby, and easy toddler. He just a much easier going person. Obviously he still misbehaves, but on the whole he’s a lot less dramatic and a lot less hard work. But my first born, despite his difficulties, is very loyal, doesn’t ever lie to me, and is very loving and protective. It’s just working on the things he finds difficult that we need to do. A diagnosis won’t change who she is (and we don’t even know if there is a diagnosis to be made), but for my child, it gives me the threads to begin to unravel him, and more support from school in helping him thrive. I’ve gone from ‘that overbearing mother’ to ‘someone whose child needs some support’

@Flamingolingo as you're here, can I ask whether your ds has any issues coping with change? Dd is upset by change even good change, examples she wanted her room painting pink, 1 year on she still cries that her room isn't yellow anymore. If we look at some photos she'll be upset that she no longer has that same coat or wellies. And also what about anticipation? I can't tell Dd about things coming up because she just can't manage anticipation well. For example her brothers 3rd birthday she started counting down weeks in advance, as it got closer she stopped sleeping because she almost had a to do list running through her mind, every day she would pester to wrap his presents and do prep way too early. She's now prepping in her head for our family holiday mid August...

@Flamingolingo Gosh it does sound like you understand, which makes me feel a bit emotional. My ds who is 3 is so much more straightforward. Dd is so kind, helpful, responsible, she is just... Complicated! If I said to dh or my mum what I'm even talking about with you they would give a flat no way. My mum just thinks I need to leave her be.

Have you read about PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) which I think is now considered an ASD? Not saying for one second that your DD has it, but it does explain how some children find it really difficult to do some of the things normally expected of them, and there may be some resources to help you find different ways of helping.

He’s not the best with change. I remember in nursery having to stop the visits to the next room because it was just destroying him. He’s ok with things like changing rooms and class, but the anticipation is painful for all of us. We moved house last year and that was turbulent for him. Especially as it took a long time. I had to stick with the position of ‘we are not moving’ until the day before, and we had a packing service because I couldn’t cope with him and the boxes piling up. We have an amazing house now, but he still says he wants the old house sometimes. He’s done amazingly actually because we moved into a bit of a wreck and it’s still a building site. He doesn’t deal well with transition in general, even things like changing activity, and if I switch the tv off without warning him it’s the last episode then all hell breaks loose.

Having a complicated child, and always having to be their advocate (even to family, even sometimes to my DH) is exhausting. The one thing a diagnosis has given me is almost an excuse - it’s not anything DS or I are doing wrong, he just has different needs to some people and we need to have different expectations of him. Thanks for not biting my head off for raising the ASD question though. It’s always risky!

And yes, on a good day my DS is the most kind and thoughtful person. He requested a gluten free cake for his last birthday so that one of his classmates could have it (usually that child is given something pre packaged). But on a bad day he’s incredibly hard work.

Thanks @flamingo, things to think about for sure. I feel like condensing thinks into a mumsnet post has painted a picture with stronger colours than we see in real life, if that makes sense. But obviously I must feel there's enough of a challenge here to warrant posting on mumsnet!

I think that’s normal though - the letters I have from the drs who have worked with him are very stark. I hate reading them because they present a single facet of his personality. He has many many good qualities, and is a truly wonderful little boy. He’s funny, he’s quite a talented artist (yes, even at 5 his drawing is better than mine), he’s very very clever, and thinks very deeply. He’s kind, and he’s loving. But sometimes he doesn’t understand the world/gets it wrong with people/is just overwhelmed. And then he needs some support. Asking for help to understand you child makes you an excellent parent. Because at the end of the day, all we want is to give them the best of what we can offer.

@oohyoudevilyou I think we also have a touch of PDA. But it’s not a diagnosis used in our area

Any confidence building suggestions from anyone still appreciated 😁

Just doing a little bump in hopes.

I would seriously think about ASD. She isn't getting social relationships and that is denting her confidence. She gets left out because she doesn't like change, wants everyone to play the way she wants, doesn't understand give and take - but is then sad and worrying about being left out.

I don't think she needs 'a confidence boost' but help to understand how she relates to people - have you looked at things like social stories?

Also in terms of anticipation, she's 5.5. She needs very clear instruction about what her job is, and what the adults' jobs are. She only needs information that is relevant to her as a 5.5 yr old - otherwise she is going to try and take responsibility for adult work and it is too much for her.

@AnnaMagnani - your last paragraph is really interesting to me. I am constantly having to remind my child that he doesn’t need to take responsibility for all sorts of things that are my job

I've chatted to a very good friend this morning who is a talented primary school teacher and fairly clued up on this sort of thing. She doesn't think asd instinctively but will mull it over.

Re getting left out in play, it is not a recurring problem, it's a school problem. There are a couple of girls that Dd has been with since preschool who are very much best friends, they speak a different first language, and they do refuse to play with Dd. This is fact. Unfortunately Dd REALLY wants to get in with them, and always has. And school keep putting her with them as they are the ones who came up from preschool together, so she's now in a school bubble with 4 girls total, these 2 and 1 other who is best friends with 1 of the boys. It sounds as though the other boys all play rough together which Dd isn't into. So she's the odd one out.

Observing her play outside of this scenario she is bossy at first but gradually chills out and plays. She does like her own way. But she's got some nice little friends but not at school with her unfortunately.

I will certainly read up on asd and the sorts of techniques though.

I should say that the friend I mentioned has known Dd since birth and sees her weekly, my Dd and her ds were best playmates for their nursery years.

@Flamingolingo sadly I only clocked this as an adult in therapy!

My lovely DM asked me age 8 if I wanted to move school when I was having a horrible time. I said no as I couldn't imagine that any school would be any different.

It was nice of her to involve me in the decision but she was getting an 8 yr old to do an adults job - I hadn't seen the other school, I had no idea that my school wasn't representative of normal schools, I didn't know my teacher wasn't a normal teacher but a massive bully. I didn't like change so I stayed in my school and proceeded to continue having a crap time.

Years later my mum said she was so surprised I didn't want to move - and she was really sad when she realised my reasons.

Children take on responsibility and guilt for things that aren't their fault, they only have a child's view of the world, they need you to do the parenting.

Some of the things you mention sound like my daughter who has ASD.
Have you role played scenarios where she can be bossy? Maybe you could model some alternatives? The bossy child often gets left out and has no one to play with. Children in the playground tend to avoid these characters and bossiness usually leads to fall outs before the end of playtime!