'Teaching' emotional resilience to 5yo

[Indecisivelurcher]

Hi folks, I need some advice. My Dd age 5.5 is quite a complicated person and I'm unsure what I can do to help her self confidence. I don't know where to start with trying to explain... For years she said she didn't love her dad or grandparents, dh worked really hard on his relationship with her and as she got old enough to understand I had a proper heart to heart with her about her gp and they are now all good. Her preschool worked really hard to win her round through difficult times with the childminder who didn't want her back, preschool described her as the most defiant child but that once you're in, you're in. You cannot persuade her, bribe her or make her do anything. But underneath it all she's so so sensitive. She lies awake at night worrying. She's on melatonin prescribed by the doctor but was still up at 3am today and hasn't been back to sleep. She's got a worry monster to feed worries to. I have done mindfulness and yoga with her to try to help her learn to calm her mind down. She regularly says she's not good enough, she tries to be good but she'll never be as good as x y z friend / her brother. FYI she is not naughty, we don't have major problems with her behaviour, this is somehow a natural confidence thing. She's finding school difficult with friendship groups and is being left out by a couple of girls in particular, I've spoken to school about this twice in the 2wks they've been back. This is not all one sided as Dd is very inflexible, she's tried to get them to play exactly how she wants and it's not gone down well with these 2 girls who now won't play. This is amplified as they are in a small bubble of 9. I'm concerned because I just don't think Dd has got the resilience to cope, and I think strong relationships are going to be so important for her. She's really close to me, loves her dad and brother, my mum, and got a couple of close friends one girl in particular who she says she's in love with, she's a year younger. So how do I boost her up? Her teacher gave her 'star of the week' for maths, this was read out on a video message. Dd was watching it and went to smile, then her face just crumpled and she cried, from what she described I think she felt embarrassed and didn't like the attention. What on earth can I do to build her up? It's heartbreaking having this with any child yet alone at 5yo.

@diverseduvet that's a good idea I can do that. I am of the bossy persuasion myself, my mum used to tell me if I didn't let my friends have minds of their own, I would have no friends left.

She’s still very young, so it would not be uncommon for a child who does have ASD to not look that different from their NT peers at this stage. DS has an absolutely fantastic teacher, very experienced, and really wonderful. But she didn’t see it in him at all. His diagnosis was a shock for her. And it’s probably that the classroom setting suits him in its formality. Most of the behaviour we are working on happens at home. Last year there were some friendship issues - very similar to your DD actually, a friendship triangle where he was being pushed out and couldn’t understand what was happening or why. I still struggle to see it in him some days, but there is something about him that any experts in ASD see very easily. All of the things you’ve mentioned could be hints to something like ASD, or they could not. It will take a professional opinion(s) to know for sure. The key factor is in how well the child functions; the lying awake worrying is not something most 5yo children do, and is something I would want to work out how to deal with. I’m surprised a GP prescribed melatonin without any follow up or further evaluation.

@AnnaMagnani thanks for sharing though. It’s something I only recently realised we do. He gets worked up by all sorts of things from how healthy his diet is (thanks operation ouch) to whether we can find a parking space. ‘Helping’ to discipline his brother is another particularly problematic one.

Yep - he's not driving the car, Mum knows what she is doing. Have you ever not found a parking space?
I take it your diet doesn't consist of wall to wall MaccyDs so again, he can concentrate on a healthy diet in a child appropriate way - maybe counting 5 a day and leaving it at that?
He isn't his brother's parent so parenting him isn't helpful can fuck right off if he wants to remain on speaking terms with his brother

You can have a fun game of first to find a parking space but not something he gets worked up over. As soon as it isn't fun, it's time for it to be clear that there are adults for that.

TBH I've found that a good lesson for life in general - as a junior person at work I used to angst about not knowing how to do stuff and missing things until eventually it dawned on me, that was why I was junior and there were people with 20 years experience I was supposed to be asking for help. I don't have to have the weight of the world on my shoulders (a strong tendency of the ASD person) as in real life we work in teams.

Is there a good place to start online with reading about asd? Had a quick look and some things are ringing true but most isn't, but then thinking about the children you've described I think that would be the same for them. I'm not in speak to a GP land yet. I just want to learn a bit.

The thing to remember is that it’s a spectrum disorder - so they’re all different. Some have difficulties across the board, some have just a few difficult areas. It’s helpful to not think of it like a linear spectrum: it’s a bit more like one of those star charts, with each spike representing a different area. For my child most of the points would not have any score against them, but a couple would be quite big spikes. As for GP etc - worth remembering it’s a long road, so whilst you absolutely don’t need to rush there, if it’s something you would like to explore, it could take 2-3 years from referral depending on the backlog in your area.

I’m still looking for good reading material (this is new to me), but lots of gentle parenting approaches work well for us. Trying to get to the root of the issue instead of punishing the behaviour displayed

The role play idea is a really good one, and if we were able to access ELSA support properly at school at the moment then that would be a good idea too.

I’d focus on ‘how to be a good friend’ rather than on ‘how not to be bossy’ and overly praise anything she does that is kind or thoughtful towards anyone else. I can’t think of any off the top of my head, but there must be loads of books that focus on friendships and it might be easier for her to talk about how the characters are feeling or what they can do rather than how she is feeling or what she could do.

In terms of building her confidence, I'd suggest getting her involved in something that she can really focus her very active mind on and take on as part of her 'identity'. The stronger her sense of identity and self-worth, the more she will be able to relax socially.

Gymnastics or ballet or music? Maybe riding. Probably something that has quite clear form and doesn't require loads and loads of social interaction. Sailing has been absolutely amazing for my DS, but she is a bit little for that.

Good ideas!