What do you do when your dc point blank refuse to do as you ask?

[SistemaAddict]

Dd has been told for weeks now to tidy her room. She refuses. Her tablet has been taken off her as a result. It's not made any difference except for her to yell at me that it's unfair. She knows how to tidy. She's 11. But she just hides things under her bed. A few months back I helped her clear everything out and it looked really nice. I said she had to keep it reasonable (clothes put away, nothing scattered all over the floor) as I was only helping her the once. It took me hours and my back was killing me afterwards. Since then she hasn't bothered. She doesn't care if it's a tip. There's hamster food and straw spilt on the floor, dirty clothes mixed with clean clothes on the floor, bits of paper, scraps of cardboard from where she makes hamster toys, used drinks glasses. She can never find anything.

If taking her tablet doesn't work then I'm not sure what will. She doesn't have a phone.

Help!

Honestly? I shut the door! They are expected to do as they're told for other things and to respect the rest of the house but if that's the only battle, I'd leave her to it.

I wish it was the only battle. She leaves her mess everywhere. I've recently introduced a rota for certain things like taking out the rubbish, washing up but when it's her turn she refuses.

I have sometimes succeeded by not getting cross but going for alternative strategy. So perhaps you could wind back a bit, and start doing things together. So, cook and clear up dinner together under disguise that when she leaves home will need to have learnt to cook etc, and then slowly ask her to do jobs whilst together, such as whilst cooking can say, “oh can you grab all the mugs for dishwasher etc”, which sounds less direct than “bring your filthy stuff from under your bed for cleaning”. They also get to an age when they’re embarrassed for their friends to see them living in squalor so start sorting it.

No drinks or food in bedrooms if not kept clean. If it is clean and drinks/food is allowed they must come down each night before bed time or it will attract mice (my nieces room was so bad they actually had mice in it!!). If they don't come down then they are not allowed again until the rule can be followed.

Make sure she has plenty of easy access open storage, drawers, bin, laundry basket so everything is close to hand to use and there are no excuses.

Tell her calmly her room isn't clean enough for the hamster to live in, it is a health hazard for her and the animal, and move it downstairs. Show concern for both of them and sorry it has to be done for both of them.

Are electrical equipment chargers, tv etc a fire hazard if room too untidy (clothes over chargers etc). If they are then remove.

Don't insist on perfection but don't let it get to the point it is so bad it needs a major clear out. Help her until she gets into the habit of it - for example, say can you put your clothes away in the basket/drawers now and I'll help you by taking this stuff downstairs to be washed/empty your bin for you.

Put everything across calmly as her decision/her choice, ignore tantrums. Any tantrums and it is her decision not to have drinks/hamster/tv in her room because she decided not to keep it clear.

Don't allow friends in (after lockdown) unless room is presentable.

She is 11. It only gets worse so sort it now.

Well I wouldn't fight on the bedroom as long as (1) her dirty clothes go in the washing basket and (2) her dirty crockery comes downstairs.

Consequences for both - if she doesn't put the dirty clothes in the basket then she has no clean clothes. I'd she doesn't bring dirt dishes down then no dishes allowed back up.

Get her to do the jobs before meals (so lay the table/prep the salad etc) then if she doesn't do it she doesn't eat.

How long do you take the tablet off her for?

I have an 11 year old dd who is the same. She has an iPod and a switch. Both get taken off her as punishment for various reasons. It’s up to her to earn them back. Or if she wants to go somewhere or buy something then her room has to be tidied and other household chores done first. She’s extremely trying but it’s the only way with her.

I found withholding pocket money worked. I have a tidy child and an untidy child. Bedrooms are their domain but mess the kitchen and they are in danger of that monthly direct debit disappearing. I do compromise by agreeing a 50/50 split - I do hand washing, they do dishwasher. Compromise is good and turns in to teamwork.

I hate tidying so I sympathise with her! When I know I have to tidy and I'm not in the mood I make myself pick up 20 things and put them back. Maybe make it into a game and see who can do 20 things the fastest or make her time herself and try to beat her record next time. I would try to make it fun and join in but if she didn't respond to that tbh I'd make her do it and return her to her room each time until she did.

A black bin bag works wonders. Everything goes in there & then into the garage. (My mum used to do that to me too).

I’ve always had a strict no food or drink other than a glass of water upstairs rule. I don’t want vermin plus we have a dog. He can sniff out contraband food!

Has she got too much stuff? It’s easier to keep things tidy if you have less “stuff”.

Could you be more specific and give her 3 things to do? Tidy your room is very general if she doesn't see an issue. So I'd say I want you to:
Make your bed
Sort out clean and dirty clothes
Put your books back on the shelf

Maybe make it into a game and see who can do 20 things the fastest or make her time herself and try to beat her record next time

She is 11. Not 4.

Im with @comefromaway - we got the black binbag treatment as kids and that always worked wonders.

I dread DS getting to this age. I have obsessive behaviours around tidying and my instinct would be to just do it for him. Not necessarily the answer I know. But in that vain, could you give her smaller tasks that don't seem so overwhelming? So instead of asking her to tidy the whole room, ask her to collect any dirty plates, cups etc and bring them downstairs and make that the task for one day. Put away all her clean clothes another day, and so on? Evidenced by the way some adults choose to live, not everyone is a natural tidier 🤷🏼‍♀️

She has much less stuff now and has more storage than she did before. She has plenty of room for all her things and I have encouraged her to keep it reasonable. I certainly do not expect it to be perfect. They are not allowed food or drinks except water outside of the kitchen and dining room as she has formed a waterfall of split tea on the stairs over time. Once I can get a carpet cleaner she will be helping with the stairs. My youngest is a horror for making potions with any drinks and food left around. She is having to earn back her tablet. I have moved the hamster into my room for the time being. She doesn't know yet

Stay strong. Its hard but worth it.

My 11 year old is similar. We tidied his room together this morning. I make sure everything has a place, we talk about how much nicer it is after it's been cleaned up, how if he just puts things back in their places (rather than shoving them under his bed or piling things up in his desk) we would never have to spend hours doing a big tidy.... it doesn't go in. There's no way I could just say 'tidy your room' because he wouldn't know where to start so just wouldn't do it at all. He has ADHD so that's part of it... still frustrating though.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz well I must be spectacularly immature as I do this sort of thing and I'm over 30...

Removing the hamster when she doesn't know for dramatic impact wont help you. Tell her in advance why it will need to happen and then calmly remove for her and its health as the consequence of her decision not to tidy up.

Removing for dramatic impact just fuels the fire and the situation you already find yourself in, you need to behave like an adult if you want to get anywhere.

It's too big a task. Once it's tidy (your help again, unfortunately) she needs to get into a routine.
Start small- she has to put laundry in the basket every morning. And you need to check every morning
Then all cups etc downstairs. Every evening for example
She has to learn new habits and as her parent you have to help her learn.

You say she knows how to tidy but she hasn't yet learned how to keep her room nice. Baby steps, with you helping/ checking every day

I do break it down into small yada and am very specific with her. It makes no difference. Her siblings are annoyed that there's no movie night tonight as her room isn't done and the eldest has just called me lazy because I don't do her washing if I can't access her laundry basket due to it being buried under clean clothes and other stuff so I've no idea what is clean or dirty. She's been told that unless I can get to get basket then I will not be doing her washing. They must be thinking I'll cave in eventually. You wouldn't believe the hoo haa there is over asking for something they have had to be put in the bin. It would be funny if I wasn't so stressed in general.

Personally I wouldn't battle with an insolent kid who calls me lazy. I'd be in there emptying the entire room. All there would be would a bed and 7 outfits.

Then they would be hearing no a lot from then on. Clear the ground to the base level so that positive well dones and privilages will have maximum effect

Why are her siblings being punished? That’s unfair.

It's her sibling that called me lazy. They are both equally awful. Although the eldest has her moments of trying her best to be tidy and will make a big effort. She did a great job of the kitchen last night to make up for being so disrespectful.

I'll order some bin bags

Bin bags added to the shopping that is coming on Monday. I'll tell her she has tomorrow to get it done and after that things will be put in a bag in the garage.
I've already got into the habit of asking them to move anything of theirs from a room and to put it away. I do this daily but they just dump it and they'd rooms end up messy. With lockdown they are here all the time of course and as soon as one area is clean they've messed up another. I think once they are back at school I'll spend the first weeks cleaning, tidying, and having naps!

Dd (10) made a list of things that needed doing in her room everyday.
Make bed
Open curtains
Pick up dirty washing
Etc

She also has a list of what lives on her desk and bedside table. If its not on the list its not staying there.
Its easier now she has less stuff, her bedroom used to be awful.

She used to get so overwhelmed with it that she couldn't tidy it because she didn't know where to start. Could this be a problem with your dd?

I used to threaten bin bags, but she just got hysterical, and it wasn't worth the upset it caused.

She loves having a tidy bedroom now, and if she needs a hand tidying I am happy to go in and help (she asked me to help clean her wardrobe out today, and she put everything that didn't fit into a bag to go to the charity shop when it can i just stood with the bag saying 'yeah that can go')