Our new born has changed everything.

[KevTheDaddy]

We already have an 18-month-old son and we had another little boy 4 weeks ago.

My wife is struggling with breast feeding and having to spend hours getting baby latched on before feeding and its meaning she's spending less time with our older boy and she's noticed he comes to me for everything now instead of her.

Going from a family of 3 to a family of 4 has certainly changed our dynamic and I am worried for my wife's mental health. She's struggling with sleep, feeding and not herself. What can I do?

Have you asked your wife that question? I think it best you ask her first and I’m sure there will be loads of suggestions on here that you can do in addition to what your wife needs.

Yes. She's so frustrated, upset, angry that struggling with feeding is impacting her time with our other son and time for herself.

She won't stop breastfeeding as I have offered to help with expressed milk and Formula and we end up in an argument.

when you have your second it's almost like doing it all over again for the first time, because you think you remember what it's like, but then having a toddler and a newborn is really hardcore. my eldest went to his dad for everything when my youngest was born, and honestly, I just went with it. they go through these little phases, it's not like he'll never want his mum again. in dealing with the toddler as much as possible, you're already doing a lot of what needs to be done. if I was you I would be encouraging her to speak to the MW/HV about her mental health as a matter of urgency. have a look for BF support as well, although I don't know how peer supporter programs are functioning in the current climate.

other things you could do, my ex used to get the toddler in bed then I would get in the bath with the baby, he'd come in and help, then take the baby away to get dried and have a little play with him while he was all chilled out from the bath while I lay there for a few more minutes of peace and got all sorted into my jamas/breast pads/nipple cream etc before getting back into the never-ending night time cycle. if you can, get her to go lie down alone on the bed for an hour to try and nap at least once a day, no interruptions unless someone's arm's hanging off or something's on fire. take any safe short cuts necessary to keep your own batteries charged as well, you can't pour from an empty cup, if that means you rest your eyes a bit when your toddler is watching telly or napping, or there's a few ready meals/pasta peas and pesto type teas then that's fine.

people will tell you this a lot, because it's true, but this won't last forever. the day will come when they'll be best pals entertaining one another. it's really great that you've noticed this off your own back. for now it's about surviving this very very intense period of adjustment. keep everyone fed and clean and alive, and forget everything else.

Tell her to be kind to herself, that it doesn’t matter if the elder DS wants you at the moment, that you will do what it takes to support her to get breastfeeding established. It will help massively if you take on nappy changes for the baby so she can catch up on 10-15 min naps while you do this.

and yep, be led by your wife. BF is a lot of work at first but in the long term it pays you back in terms of ease and convenience. so instead of asking 'how can I take over the feeding?'maybe ask 'what other stuff could I do that would help you establish and maintain feeding?'

It may help if you take elder DS on long walks so she can do skin to skin with the baby and sleep when the baby sleeps.

and the winding, my god, the winding. once the baby is fed, could you offer to be on burps detail?

You basically need to support her to breastfeed not over to take it over because long term bottle feeding is a faff.

Do you have a sling? The long stretchy wrap type. You could carry baby for a bit to let her rest.

It will get easier. You are only 4 weeks in, and 18mo is a hard gap imo.

For now it’s great that your ds will come to you rather than bothering her all the time. Try to turn that into a positive. It’s important for children to have that bond with dad too, and he won’t lose the bond with his mum. She needs to focus on the newborn and rest.

If she wants to breastfeed and is having difficulties then how about suggesting she gets help with feeding. Is she still with the midwife? Does the HV have contact of a local breastfeed support organisation who she could talk to over the phone.

Alternatively there are national charities who have phone helpline that would be able to offer her support. www.nationalbreastfeedinghelpline.org.uk/

You can best help by caring for your folder and providing care for your wife. Ie meals, maybe some time to herself so she gets a shower, while you cuddle the baby amd watch the toddler. It'll take a while to get into a new dynamic when you add another family member. But be kind to yourselves it's really earlier days.

I’m with @MadameButterface. It is so difficult going from a family of 3 to 4. The guilty felt over not spending as much time with DD1 was awful. Your wife will be absolutely beyond exhausted and hormonal. Can you take some time off work? Even a day a week maybe helpful. Make up a pack lunch for her and the DC1 before you go to work, be responsible for all the stuff you can at home. Let her sleep as much as possible.

Is she getting bf support? DD2 used to get too hangry to latch so I would give her 1/2 and oz of formula at the most which gave her and I breathing space before trying to latch again.

Just my opinion, she needs time and space to give breastfeeding a go. It can sometimes take up to six weeks to establish breastfeeding.

How to support her? Offer to make her decaf tea, water, cranberry juice when she's feeding. Offer to give newborn bath so she can nap or, if she wants, do a puzzle with the older one.

I just had my second. My second is 5 months, I remember the early days trying to establish breastfeeding. It took a good wee while to get it all worked out. (And we still have tons of off times)

Older one is 4 so slightly different situation.

Oh, and maybe after 4 months there'll be bigger gaps of time between feeds.

First of all you both need to realise that your toddler coming to you is not a bad thing. Building a strong bond with his dad is an excellent thing and will stand him in good stead later in life. It won't damage his bond with his mum, it will be an additional bonus. And as a pp suggested do take him out.

However, your wife probably needs some time with him as well, so the only thing for it then is for you to do everything else to give them time together. Help with the baby- you can't breastfeed it but you can change it, bathe it, play with it. Do the housework. Cook.

PPs have given great suggestions. What can you do? Make her food and drink. Make your toddler food and drink. If the toddler comes to you, great. You are the other parent, why shouldn’t he come to you. The way to survive this is for you to take your other son and occupy him while your wife sorts breastfeeding out. Make her a drink and food within easy reach. At the same time feed and change your toddler. Then take him out. Harder in lockdown I appreciate. Take him out for as long as possible and give her a rest / some uninterrupted time with the newborn.

At the toddlers bedtime you should be taking / bathing the baby. Obviously not always possible but may give your wife some time with your other son.

The other thing you can do is a split second after your wife has fed and changed the baby, take him out in pram for a walk. Ideally take the toddler too but if not then leave toddler with your wife. Either way then she either gets a rest or time with your other son.

1. Allow the breastfeeding to be all consuming. Hopefully it will all improve two weeks. Getting to six weeks is hard! You need to be the one doing everything else to allow for that. Nipple shields might help temporarily.
2. Can you do the burping, changing and resettling after the feeds? Thats what my dh did and it saved me as i could get more sleep in between feeds.
3. You're your toddlers go-to-guy now. Embrace it. It Probably wont last!

Lots of people i know have said going from 1 to 2 children is much, much harder than going from 2 to 3!

Thank you for all the advice and support. I am trying to be supportive but this is really testing us. She doesn't think she needs help and I can see she's acting like a different person. I have messaged our MW for advice.

I think that going from 1-2 is harder than people expect it to be. You think you know what you're doing cause you've done it already, but a second DC really changes the dynamic and it's so tiring, cause you have less opportunity to rest. Hang in there. It will get better.

@Greentrees33 when you say she is acting like a different person could she have PND/PP? (www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mental-health/problems-disorders/postpartum-psychosis)

You can be the best dad and you clearly are an amazing husband, I hope you can get to the root of this but it may need some professional help.

As your newborn grows their need for supply changes and their brain function changes. Before she knows it, she'll have it all under control and then the babe will start being interested in their surroundings and it will feel like she's back at the start.
The baby may also have tongue tie which can contribute to latching problems and if they're nodding off at the breast they may not be taking all the milk they need.
Contact your local breast feeding consultant or log onto your local breast feeding group's zoom which will give her lots more suggestions and even different positions to breast feed in.
You might be on toddler duty indefinitely.

I could be your wife right now although first born is 3 and new baby is 3 weeks

Struggling with breastfeeding and in tears a lot at the guilt of struggling there and the guilt of not being there for my son and him having to entertain himself most of the day until dad comes home

It’s annoying if DH offers to get a bottle of formula as it’s not really going to help in the long run and I wouldn’t be putting myself through this early pain if I was going to give up and go to the faff of bottles. I did that with DS and regretted it as it was a lot more time consuming and costly too

He’s been very supportive by taking baby from me when I get home so I can have a bath to myself.
He makes me drinks, makes the dinners, does bedtime eith DS and does all nappy changes when he’s home.
Also does all the burping too.

I’ve got a 5 week old and a 4 year old so granted the gap is a lot easier in many ways, but it doesn’t change the guilt I feel for ds1 when I can’t spend time with him. I’m breastfeeding and it’s really important to me that I achieve this as I struggled with my first and have always felt guilty about that (silly I know). Bf is really hard and makes you very emotional. My baby is very demanding and pretty much feeds all day and night. My husband works but when he’s home he does all meals, nappy changes, sorts ds1 out and is generally supportive. There’s not much he can do to help with bf so he takes on all the other stuff as he knows how important it is to me.
Just be there for her, listen if she needs to talk. It’s early days and the change of dynamics has probably only just started to hit her. I think how she’s feeling and acting is normal, it’s overwhelming when you have a baby let alone 2. It doesn’t mean she won’t get through this hard stage and be back to how she was before, but tiredness and hormones are a killer. Let her know it’s fine for your other child to come to you, that won’t last forever either. Of course if you’re worried about her mental state then she needs to get some help but you might find once breastfeeding gets easier things will settle.

Don't give advice. Offer help, but only the help she asks for. Don't be a typical man and need to fix everything. Just ask, what can I do to help.

It sounds like she needs outside help with her latch, if there's a tongue tie it can be sorted. Baby has to learn how to breastfeed just as mother's do. Theres nothing wrong with that. I hope your midwife can help you.

Don't offer formula. I would have thrown things if that was suggested to me, of you have to just ask what you can do to help.

I was a complete mess after my second. Same age gap as you. Literally all I thought about was breastfeeding him and how shit a mother I was being to my toddler. So I cried, breastfed, cried, pumped on repeat. Hormones are a bitch.
All you can do is tell her you think she's amazing, provide her with food and drink and do whatever else she asks of you.
I felt more like myself around the six week mark. You're doing a great job to even be asking on here, you care, let her know that and things will get easier.

www.laleche.org.uk/supporting-a-breastfeeding-mother/#Support