Our new born has changed everything.

[KevTheDaddy]

We already have an 18-month-old son and we had another little boy 4 weeks ago.

My wife is struggling with breast feeding and having to spend hours getting baby latched on before feeding and its meaning she's spending less time with our older boy and she's noticed he comes to me for everything now instead of her.

Going from a family of 3 to a family of 4 has certainly changed our dynamic and I am worried for my wife's mental health. She's struggling with sleep, feeding and not herself. What can I do?

I have had a good read of all the comments, I think we have A few issues in play and after talking to my wife, these are the issues.

• Guilty about not spending time with our older son And worried he is forgetting her. *spending anywhere between 10-40 mins getting the baby to latch on (gets frustrated, angry, upset) *our new baby won't sleep unless he's lying on one of us so its causing sleepless nights.

I think its about just surviving at the moment and constantly remind her how amazing she is and what a great job she's doing.

I have today been guilty of snapping and her and telling her "make more effort with your other son" and "stop being so snappy!" I realise I need to just be 100% supportive and help support her / babies anyway I can

make more effort with your other son" and "stop being so snappy!"

Honestly, having been where your wife is now I would have really struggled to forgive you for that for a while during that time.

Take the baby. Let her go for a bath/nap/walk/drive for as long as she is happy to leave the baby for over the next few days and make sure you bring her a cup of tea and an apology tomorrow morning.

yikes, that was a shitty thing to say to her. you know sleep deprivation is used to break captured soldiers who have spent years being trained in combat and withstanding interrogation and who are at the peak of their physical fitness right? being a bit 'snappy' is nothing. please offer her a full and sincere apology if you haven't already, and then do the things on this thread.

Wtf?! I bloody knew this would be about you and not your wife. Ffs.

For now YOU be the one there for youR Other son. You make the effort.

Of course youre going to have sleepless nights with a Newborn?! What did you expect?!

You need to make the effort for your other son, it’s starting to sound like you are annoyed that you are having to do a lot of the work with your first son and you want your wife to be doing all of it.

Baby can sleep on you at night, not your wife, to enable her to sleep better then her milk supply will be good for your baby.

She is doing a lot more work than you are breastfeeding your baby and has just been pregnant for 9 months then given birth. A short time of you having less sleep is the least you could do.

I think its about just surviving at the moment and constantly remind her how amazing she is and what a great job she's doing

Ignoring the rest of your post, this ^ is exactly what you should be doing.

A new baby IS about just surviving. Its like a sodden bomb going off for the first year of its life. Your time is with the older child for the minute and maybe grow up a smite. Take some pressure off. Set her up in a comfy spot with the remote, snacks, drinks and take out or amuse your eldest. That is your job for now. Ask your wife what she needs you to do and do without twisting.

This isn't forever.

Sleepless nights are normal with a newborn. Your job is to support her and to look after your other child as much as possible. Of course you are spending more time with your older son. That is the way it should be for now, she only gave birth about 5 minutes ago! Have you actually asked her what she needs you or wants you to do? Ask her. Then do that.

If she is still awake and assuming your older child is asleep I sincerely advise you to go now and find her. Check if she has eaten or drunk anything. Does she want you to hold the baby while she gets changed etc.

She shouldn’t be making more of an effort with her other son . That is your job as the father. The poor woman has just given birth .

I know my ex treasures the time he spent with our eldest when he was on paternity leave for our youngest. There’s still a picture on my fridge from a supermarket passport photo booth that they took when he took him out to do the shopping.

Let me clarify a few things as the last few posts aren't fair in my opinion.

This thread is not about me, I just needed advice on how to better support my wife.

I don't care about sleepless nights, I have since birth doing a nightly feed of expressed milk to let me wife sleep for as long as possible.

The comment about "more effort with our other son" came on the back of her saying "he doesn't bother with me anymore" it wasn't me being horrible, I was just suggesting make a bit of an effort to interactive with him, our midwife suggested the same.

I think she's struggling mentally at the moment and angry a lot (which is not like her) and she openly said she doesn't feel herself. Hope our midwife can help us more tomorrow.

I already do everything you suggested but thanks for the advice.

I LOVE SPENDING TIME WITH BOTH MY BOYS, all I have ever wanted was to be a father so I take the responsibility very seriously. The issue is she feels jealous our oldest comes to me and her anymore and she feels she can't "play with him anymore" which is not true. We are all just learning how to deal with the new dynamics

Newborns are seriously hard work! I've just had my third (fiancé's first) and I also have two boys age 10 and almost 13. And of course no school because of lockdown!!

I'm breastfeeding on demand and the hardest part for me is that I feel like I'm letting down my two older boys (especially the eldest) because I'm pretty much attached to the baby all day.

My Health Visitor reminded me yesterday to be kind to myself and no to overdo it - breastfeeding is amazing and I promise you it will get easier for your wife - but it takes a lot out of you, especially at first.

My OH has been on a very steep learning curve having never had a baby before, and of course he's helped me with my boys too, but he has done a lot of nappy changes and kept me supplied with food and drink (very important when breastfeeding).

Hope things become easier for you soon.

I remeber the guilt that came with my second, I felt torn between the 2 most important things in the world not knowing who I should be looking after at that time. If you ask people with a few children I have found they often say 2 was the hardest for this reason, when a 3rd or more came along you had already faced the demon :) Sorry its not a more helpful post but she and you are not alone, just keep ticking on and let her follow her instincts and back her where you can :)

PS. Cosleeping (following all safety guidelines) has been very much a positive for us. Yes I sleep lightly, but pretty much undisturbed 😊

Just an update.

Normally I take my oldest in the shower with me but we swapped tonight and my wife showered with him and it was like how its always been. I explained that the guilt she feels for not being able to spend time with our oldest shouldn't ruin her and not to be too hard on herself. Our son went to bed and she's on the couch watching TV, cup of Tea and some snacks and feels better. Just a bad day with the baby not latching on and causing her upset.

Did she breastfeed your eldest? Wondering if the latch issue is tongue tie or similar or just a young baby getting the hang of it? I really struggled breastfeeding our first but the second time round I pulled in as much advice as I could and it made a huge difference. If breastfeeding isn’t going well it’s so so miserable . Watching YouTube videos of how to get a good latch helped as did trying different holds. Could she post on here for breastfeeding advice? There are some very supportive and knowledgable posters and lots of people who have been through similar

@KevTheDaddy can I also recommend The Second Baby Book: How to cope with pregnancy number two and create a happy home for your firstborn and new arrival
Ockwell-Smith, Sarah

We found it practical and gave us a lot of great advice.

I don’t know how to phrase this correctly, so I apologise if this comes out a muddle, but please be mindful of who you are taking to about your wife and the levels of input from others.

When our second was little (similar age gap), I just wasn’t sleeping, for months. I had some sort of insomnia I think. It was super, super tough.

But my husband then went and asked some of his friends (who were a LOT older than us, with teenagers or older children).

They all said the usual ‘it will get easier’ etc etc, but in the moment, that just made me feel like shit. I didn’t want to hear that in 2 years things would be easier, I could barely think about the next day!! I didn’t need fixing, I needed someone to take the baby for a few minutes and let me rest or spend time with the older one, or whatever.

I needed practical, hands on help, and not to be made feel like I was the problem or not coping or whatever.

What I’m trying to say OP is that when you obtain a variety of external opinions, it muddles your thinking about how things ‘should’ be rather than looking at how they are. And so skew your ability t deal with what is actually presented rather than trying to achieve what other people will tell you it should be.

Good luck!

I needed practical, hands on help, and not to be made feel like I was the problem or not coping or whatever

This a million times over. I was coping, but I needed someone to acknowledge that having two small children was really hard, that it was OK that I was finding it hard because it is and not because I was somehow failing.

And don't whatever you do ever utter the words 'my mum said' unless it's followed by 'she thinks you are doing a great job' or 'she's going to drop a cake and a lasagne off'.

Similar irritants include 'lots of women have two children and manage', 'what have you been doing all day?' 'Why is the oldest watching TV again' all liable to end in a huge row.

I'm there at the moment - 3 year old and 5 week old. It's hard!
The thing I struggled with most was spending time with my eldest. I felt like DH was taking her away from me. When I spoke to him about it, he said he'd seen his role as looking after DD3 and leaving me with the baby. I'm pleased we talked about it, so we can come up with ways to deal with it.
I'm breastfeeding too, but haven't had many issues this time. Could she maybe try nipple shields? Definitely try to access some support - there's groups on Facebook.
I agree with PPs, that practical help is what's needed, and someone just to listen.
Practical things we're doing

• DH gives the baby a bottle at bedtime so I can do bedtime with the eldest.
• DH makes us all a packed lunch including snacks, so I don't have to worry about feeding us in the day
• I have a box of books, sticker books, water painting books for DD3 to do next to me when baby is feeding
• DH takes baby to settle her to sleep after a night feed
• frozen meals that just need popping in the oven

These are the main things that's working for us. If your wife is getting really low and not feeling herself, then I've found the health visiting team to be brilliant. There's also a local volunteer group for postnatal anxiety - maybe you have one in your area? Don't underestimate how hard it is having a baby in lockdown either. I've found not being able to take our eldest to her groups quite difficult and she's really missing preschool and her friends. And of course, I'm not getting days on my own with the baby to bond properly. If she needs someone to chat to, just pm me.

I feel for you all. I have a 7.5 week old (my 5th!) so this is all fresh in my memory. Breastfeeding can be very difficult and time consuming in the early days. I struggled badly this time with mastitis and have been sorely tempted to give up. However I breastfed the others for 2 - 3 years each and I knew that it would get easier and so convenient in time. Up until 7 weeks, our newborn was very unsettled, hated to be put down, cried loads, struggled with feeding, and then she changed literally overnight! Now she is like a different child, smiling, interested in her surroundings, happy to sit in her bouncy chair for 10 mins or so at a time. So it does get easier! Even a week ago, I was very worn out, finding it all such hard work, and ready to send her back, and now I'm really starting to enjoy her and feel so much happier.