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Original poster

Son wants to live with Dad

38 replies

Finkycat · 09/06/2020 09:22

Hi all,

Looking for some advice from parents who's child wants to live with their father.

My ex and I split 4 years ago, my son was 7. I met someone else and we got together quite quickly And we have had 2 further children together and we have moved nearer the coast (I know this is a a lot of change). My DS has never really accepted me and his Dad splitting up and started to reject my new partner making for an awful atmosphere at home.

Over lockdown he has spent a lot of time with his Dad (no new partner or siblings to deal with) and after some heartbreaking conversations has decided to live with his dad.

To say I'm heartbroken is an understatement, this was 3 weeks ago and I haven't stopped crying, I can't eat and sleep and I feel like part of me is missing. He started back at his old school as he is year 6, I've taken him to school every day since he was 2.

I'm just not coping and don't know what to do. He does seem happier which is what's important but I think I'm on the verge of depression over it and feel like I have failed him as a parent.

Please if there is anyone who has been this tell me it gets easier

OP posts:

sillysmiles · 09/06/2020 09:26

Is what is best for him not the most important thing in this situation?
Is he safe and happy at his dad's?
Does he need to change schools?

I understand your feelings, but he's the one that needs to be at the centre of this.

Selfsettling3 · 09/06/2020 18:02

Where do you think you failed?

FrippEnos · 09/06/2020 18:56

and started to reject my new partner making for an awful atmosphere at home.

Wow, you need to listen to your DS and not blame him for your actions.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting Primary education Relationship problems

Placesrobe7099292 · 09/06/2020 19:04

He is finding his feet @Finkycat, you said yourself a lot has changed. He moved schools, moved house, his parents split up and he got two new siblings.

If he is happy as hard as it is, you need to be happy for him.... please don’t show your emotion in front of him.

granadagirl · 09/06/2020 19:07

Bloody hell no wonder
You split with his dad, and within 4 yrs
You’ve met someone else, had 2 more kids and moved house.

AlternativePerspective · 09/06/2020 19:09

Of course it’s hard for you.

But the reality is that in four years you’ve separated from his dad, got together with someone else and had two more children.. That’s an awful lot to expect a child to accept, and TBH it’s not really surprising that he’s struggled with it all and wants to be somewhere with more stability.

At the end of the day you have to do what’s best for him, because, putting it bluntly, you’ve already spent too much time doing what’s best for you.

Diverseduvet · 09/06/2020 19:13

What a difficult situation. You need to think about what you can change at home to make it better for your son. Has he been able to say why he wants to live with his dad? Maybe he feels left out, as the only step child?

GalwayGrowl · 09/06/2020 19:50

I think you have to let him be, and let him decide what he needs right now.

I think many 7 year olds would not cope with that much change in such a small amount of time.

Tigger001 · 09/06/2020 20:38

Your son has made his choice and if he doesn't get along with your partner and the situation is creating and atmosphere I don't really blame him.

I'm sure you are not, but please do not let him see how upset you are or depressed over it, he really doesn't need that guilt at 11 years old.

It must be tough but as others have said, he must be put first and if that means being happier with his dad, then so be it.

Daisydaisy3 · 09/06/2020 22:49

I wonder whether 11 is too young to make that decision.
What is contact like with his Dad at the moment? Rather than moving in with his Dad permanently, could you increase contact time with him so it's 50/50

LovingLola · 09/06/2020 22:56

*DP makes it obvious that he doesn't like DS and often rejects DS hugs or attempts to be nice to him so just plays up instead.

If I'm honest if we didn't have the babies together I don't think I could put up with the relationship between them, it's so stressful.

DP won't accept any responsibility for the problems and blames it all on DS.*

That is what you wrote 18 months ago.
So your son has made his choice now. I don’t blame him in the slightest. He’s decided that he does not mean as much to you as your dp does.

Techway · 09/06/2020 23:06

I think it will get easier. Be glad he is happy and that he is assertive enough to ask for what he wants. Thankfully he has a good relationship with his father which might feel bittersweet for you.

Do you plan to see him regularly? Your relationship could really improve now that there isn't the tension with your partner.in a few months the pain will subside.

I am sorry however as I think most people can relate to the loss you feel. Your post may help others who could be in danger of rushing a relationship.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/06/2020 23:09

How far away do you live from his dad now?

Did moving away mean he saw his dad less? How often will you see him now?

He’s made a valid choice and as you say, he seems happier now.

Accept that you’ve made your choices and the impact they have had on him and this is his response. Pay what you owe in child maintenance. Include your son in family holidays and special occasions and try, as best as you can now, to tell him he’s still welcome in your home.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/06/2020 23:10

Speak to your GP if short or longer term support could help you adjust.

LovingLola · 09/06/2020 23:13

What does your dp think ? Does he accept any responsibility for this or is he blaming the child?

Daisydaisy3 · 09/06/2020 23:17

Yes I think your previous post 18 months ago gives a different side to this now. It doesn't sound like your DP has treated your son particularly well.
I can imagine the pain you are going through but I think you either leave your partner or try to make peace with your son leaving.

TigerQuoll · 10/06/2020 02:17

Maybe you needed to prioritise your son earlier and not married someone who doesn't treat your son very nicely. I guess this is the result of that earlier decision. You chose yourself.

ZombieFan · 10/06/2020 02:54

Its sounds like the right thing for your DS. 2 new children and a new dp (who doesn't treat him well) all with 4 years is almost to much. He will be able to start a new school in September with his dad and now he is happier hopefully he will have a better relationship with you.

AlternativePerspective · 10/06/2020 03:01

So eighteen months ago you already had two new children? Jesus.

Did you leave your ex for this partner per chance? Because the timeline is very short. I mean eighteen months ago you would have written that you’d split from your partner 2.5 years ago and now have a new partner and two new children....

okiedokieme · 10/06/2020 07:36

It's too much too quickly for him, if his dad can provide a home then it's going to be hard for you but better for him. My adult kids wouldn't want to live with my new dp either, and you were very quick to have further kids (assuming they are not twins)

PotteringAlong · 10/06/2020 07:39

4 years and you’ve met someone else, moved in with him, had 2 more children and moved house?! No wonder the poor kid doesn’t know which way is up!

KatherineJaneway · 10/06/2020 07:42

Please if there is anyone who has been this tell me it gets easier

You'll learn to live with it, that's all you can do.

You made your life choices and it hasn't worked out as you hoped. Your DP will be over the moon though.

SnuggyBuggy · 10/06/2020 07:44

It can be really hard for a child to adjust to a step family and half siblings. Just because it's more common than it used to me doesn't necessarily make it easier for children.

You need to put your sons needs first and let him spend most of his time where he is comfortable. This is about him not you.

VettiyaIruken · 10/06/2020 07:46

You need to put him first and accept that your choices have made him very unhappy and he is happier with his dad.
You can still have a good and loving relationship with him, you just will need to put the effort in.

Right now, he has a happier life with his dad and yes that will hurt but you have to put him first and try to put your hurt feelings to one side.

300XLTriColour · 10/06/2020 07:51

If he lives with his dad he lives in his own family unit with his own parent who is there for him and who he doesn’t have to share with other people.

If he lives with you he lives with a whole other family unit, a couple who have 2 children and where he is on the outside. Where one parent splits their time between three children and the other adult is not nice to him.

Obviously he’s going to choose his Dad, who wouldn’t? No point you crying your eyes out now is there? All that’s going to do is make your poor son feel sad and guilty when you actually need to support him and put his feelings first for once.

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