Son wants to live with Dad

[Finkycat]

Hi all,

Looking for some advice from parents who's child wants to live with their father.

My ex and I split 4 years ago, my son was 7. I met someone else and we got together quite quickly And we have had 2 further children together and we have moved nearer the coast (I know this is a a lot of change). My DS has never really accepted me and his Dad splitting up and started to reject my new partner making for an awful atmosphere at home.

Over lockdown he has spent a lot of time with his Dad (no new partner or siblings to deal with) and after some heartbreaking conversations has decided to live with his dad.

To say I'm heartbroken is an understatement, this was 3 weeks ago and I haven't stopped crying, I can't eat and sleep and I feel like part of me is missing. He started back at his old school as he is year 6, I've taken him to school every day since he was 2.

I'm just not coping and don't know what to do. He does seem happier which is what's important but I think I'm on the verge of depression over it and feel like I have failed him as a parent.

Please if there is anyone who has been this tell me it gets easier

You are not a failure op. firstly you need to be a bit kinder on yourself.

You've also put your son before yourself, a lot of people wouldn't have let him go and therefore not put him first.

My friends ds lives with her dad and her dd lives with her, they've decided this for reasons I won't go into, but they did what's best for their dc.

You can still have a good relationship with him, use this time to build up that relationship and also the relationship he has with his step dad. You can now spend quality time with him and build on this. It takes time, he's had a lot of change and he'll one to one at his Das which will be good for him at this time too

I also think it was irresponsible with both pregnancies. You would have known after the first child how your DP was with your son. I guess you wanted the chance to start over again with a new family but you didn't prioritise your existing child.
It's a very sad situation, particularly for your son.

You didn’t put your son first for the past few years. Letting him go now to a parent who does, and not placing any guilt on him, is the best thing that you could do, and shows you are able (albeit late in the game) to prioritise him.

It's no good going over what you should and shouldn't have done with regards to your second family. You need to work with the relationship you currently have with your son rather than trying to make it the relationship you want.

This is so sad but not unexpected sadly when you really think about it.

You put your needs above your sons and turned his little life upside down.

He has had enough.

He wants stability and normality. This is what it sounds like the dad is offering to him.

I think you have to let him go. Accept you made your choices.

But surely his Dad will meet a new partner eventually and may even have more children. I agree its a lot for a child to deal with but 7 year olds don't get to dictate their parents' lives.

Are the new babies twins?

In my extended family there was a similar situation. Mum’s new partner and older child never bonded, and things got worse when a baby came along. The older child went to live with her grandparents and it was the best decision. She was on the verge of being excluded from school and was depressed with her mum. With her GPs she thrived and is now in university.

As hard as it is OP I can understand why your DS wants to stay with his dad, and I think you need to listen to him and do what’s in his best interests. If your DP cannot connect with him and it’s a stressful environment at home, it may be best for DS to go.

I hope your new relationship can stand up to these stresses.

I agree its a lot for a child to deal with but 7 year olds don't get to dictate their parents' lives.

He is now 11. He has lived for years with a man who doesn’t like him, shows him no affection and probably is unkind to him. Why should he have to suffer for years more when he can live with his father?

Your earlier thread puts a different spin on the situation. You knew 18 months ago he was unhappy and your partner didn't treat him well. Now he's voted with his feet to take himself out of the situation and who could blame him. A divorce, your new partner, two new siblings and a house move within 4 years is too much for any kid to come to terms with.

hotstepper why ‘surely’ though? Not everyone feels the need to pump out kids with every new person they shag. Maybe the boys father is happy to prioritise his child and not his sex life.

It’s all been said really. I’m a lone parent of a 13yo boy. I cannot imagine having married and had children with someone who made ds uncomfortable. He would be well within his rights to want out if I had.

I’d consider letting him move to his Dad’s and then breaking up with your current partner and seeing ds for quality time whilst your other children are at their Dad’s.

Acknowledge his feelings and when he’s old enough be willing to admit your mistakes and regrets. You are his mum for life and can hopefully rebuild a strong relationship.

Your poor son.

You may well be heartbroken but it’s the path you’ve carved. Not you have to do the best you can for him and hope you can build a relationship with him in the future.

Let him go. It might be the only way for you to be close.

But remember YOU did this. Learn from your mistakes. You should never put anyone, especially not a partner, before your children.

I totally get how devastating this must be for you. But you need to remember someday he will grow up and understand why you got married and have another 2 kids. But right now, he feels happier with his dad, just because he doesn't feel he is the extra one. Give him some space and freedom and invite him over sometime then he will feel better. If you could, invite your ex as well. It's only a few years until he has to go to college so don't feel too bad! You are always his mum and nobody is gonna replace you.