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I just cant cope with dd, she's gonna end up driving me to a breakdown

32 replies

mosschops30 · 20/09/2007 17:28

Tonight she's late, so I phone the school to find out if everythings ok (worried sick in case she's lying in a ditch somewhere), they tell me the bus is running late so I think all is fine.

Twenty minutes later I get a call from the school to ask why I havent picked her up I explained I didnt know I had to and said I would be straight over.

Anyway she gets in the car and I said 'dd if you want me to pick you up to have to tell me' she says she did (she didnt), she told me netball trials were yesterday then phoned to say they werent on and came home on the bus, nothing more said and now she swears blind she said they were today. Then she carries on crying and I ask why 'because everybody in my life has died, all my auties and uncles' now I would like to point out here that she is talking about exp's brother who dies before she was born, and my siblings who dies before I was born ffs. Then she complains that shes been bullied in the past (at primary) and how horrible her life is!!!!

It makes me soo angry, she gets 2 holidays a year, goes to guides and private drama school, she is in a excellent school, lives in a nice area.

Why is she like this, its just a long list of things (this morning she chose to stay in bed when dh offered to help her with homework she didnt make the effort to do last night despite being asked several times)

I'm exhausted I cant cope with it anymore, could quite happily walk out the door and never come back

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nailpolish · 20/09/2007 17:38

how old is she mossy?

mosschops30 · 20/09/2007 17:39

11, i never thought it would be this hard so early on (i was a nightmare teenager).

I'm starting to really dislike her, its horrible

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nailpolish · 20/09/2007 17:42

i was like this when i ws little
esp to mum
i told her a man tried to push me in his car after school, stuff lke that
some not as bad as that, i used to make up stuff all the time tho

i think at the time i felt like i had no friends and i was VERY lonely, and i took it out on mum

i had no friends, i wsa bullied too

is she possibly being bullied? i can manifest and show its ugly head in so many ways

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fawkeoff · 20/09/2007 17:43

have u thought she maybe due to start her periods???? we all tend to be dramatic once af arrives into our lives

nailpolish · 20/09/2007 17:43

i ahve to go now mossy, will be back tomorrow to check up on how youre doing

39andcounting · 20/09/2007 17:44

Is this constant ? Is she more likeable at certain times of the month, I really do feel for you, you must feel so frustrated.

Maybe she is given too much, you need to put a stop to something she enjoys (I know that means having her at home with you tho !) and she needs to do some behaviour adjustmant before the things she enjoys kick in again.

mosschops30 · 20/09/2007 17:46

thanks np

She has already started about six months ago, but i think it was a one off.

I just find her so bizarre, I mean why would she cry about dead people she's never met (indeed even Ive never met).

I just cant cope, its making me so angry, and so hostile towards her, I have no sympathy at all which probably isnt helping. I can only cope with so much, have tried to be supportive, love her, give her all we can, protect her from harm.

aaaaggggghhhhhh i want to scream

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39andcounting · 20/09/2007 17:46

BTW my 7year old is having severe mood swings already. Exactly 28 days apart !

GP says if it gets really bad, its prozac or pill, I think not somehow.

Have been to Holland & Barrett and have got her evening primrose to start.

mosschops30 · 20/09/2007 17:47

39 i know what you mean, but its upsetting to see her upset. I dont want to make her any more miserable (if thats possible). Sometimes she is a model child, good with ds, helpful, eager to learn.
But the last few days have been unbearable. dh will have to talk to her because I cant

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39andcounting · 20/09/2007 17:54

Have you thought about it being hormonal ?

Best advice I have been given is not too pander to her when she is having one of her spectacular outburst (she is a model child the rest of the month, kind loving polite etc etc, and then this monster pitches for a day or two)

Does she know bout birds and bees ? Maybe she has not got a clue as to why her behaviour is like it is and you need to help her put two and two together, but also explain that it is not an excuse to behave like a brat !

fawkeoff · 20/09/2007 17:55

yeah it does seem strange that she is crying over people she has no emotional link to????? you probably need to sit her down and ask what her effin problem is

39andcounting · 20/09/2007 17:57

Sorry, keep adding bits. My brother dies in a car crash when he was 18, 18 yearsago. I have picture of him at home and we refer to him as Uncle John.

DD brings him into the conversation too at these "weird" times.

Cammelia · 20/09/2007 17:59

This is normal Drama Queen 11 year old behaviour.

Cut her some slack

39andcounting · 20/09/2007 17:59

Ouch !

mosschops30 · 20/09/2007 18:03

thanks for that cammelia

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Wisteria · 20/09/2007 18:05

MC - this all sounds very familiar. My dd started her periods about 4-5 months ago, then nothing for a while except a lot of emotional upset over things from way back.

I'm no expert but it's almost as though they can't justify why they are feeling so mixed up and emotional so pick up on things that they know have upset you in the past to try to justify their feelings.

Cut her a bit of slack and wait, it takes time but I would put money on it that she's about to get a proper period. Have you had a talk to her about PMT? I explained mine to my dd and empathised with her over the tearful feelings 'for no reason' and said it was ok to cry etc for no good reason and we have moved on now. PMT etc can be much worse right at the beginning and she is quite young to be going through it all isn't she?

mosschops30 · 20/09/2007 18:08

thanks wisteria. Weve had the periods talk but not PMT, I never thought of it that way.

Shes just said that the reason she was so upset is because she hurt her chest in gym, i dont know why she didnt tell me this in the first place, or if its to excuse the weird behaviour or she just needed some attention.

Have given her nurofen and paracetamol and now delibertaing on whether she should go to guides or not (as a sort of way of saying 'its not ok for you to behave like this')

I'm a shit parent

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Cammelia · 20/09/2007 18:10

You are so not a shit parent, been there mosschops and starting to go there again with second dd (10.5)

That's how I know its not as bad as you think it is.

Let her go to Guides

39andcounting · 20/09/2007 18:11

YOU ARE NOT SHIT !

Just coming inot a difficult time and like most of us, have not got a clue what to do.

Think you need to sit and have a chat when the dust has settled. A friend suggested doing some nice mum and daughter things. Do you still cut her toe nails ? Why not do a pedicure at home together ?

Would create a nice relaxed environment to chat (or not to chat if you enjoying each others company so much)

CarGirl · 20/09/2007 18:13

dd1 is very hormonal, tears about everything very easily. I just try to go with the flow and let it go over my head. Don't take any of it personally and yes perhaps lay down some ground rules about what is not acceptable behaviour how ever horrid she is feeling.

I really hope my dd doesn't start her periods soon she is 10.5 I didn't start until I was 14!

InMyHumbleOpinion · 20/09/2007 18:14

Read some of the theads on AIBU, and the pregnancy ones, where hormones are flying everywhere, then remind yourself that she's still a little girl, she'#s started at a new school with much older people than she is used to hanging round with and a much more demanding timetable than she is used to dealing with.

She isn't a grown up - she cannot handle her emotions the way an adult can, she cannot handle her life the way an adult would.

And I know you know this, because you a probably a far from shit mother, but it's hard to deal with and maybe you need to try to make yourself remember that she may be eloquent, intelligent and (eek!) fertile, but she's a child. He brain is not developed yet. She can't help it.

InMyHumbleOpinion · 20/09/2007 18:17

WhatI am trying to fumblingly say is that it's ok to get annoyed with her for not behaving nicely, but don't dislike her for not having adlut responces to difficult situations because she's not an adult, and it's not an indicator of what sort of adult she will be.

39andcounting · 20/09/2007 18:18

IMHO Got what you said first time, thought it was good solid advice, and picked up on stuffI completely missed

mosschops30 · 20/09/2007 18:35

Wow what fab advice (sometimes I'm reminded why I love mumsnet).

You are all right, she is adjusting massively to high school and I guess we just forget how had it is.

I have just hat a chat with her over dinner (dh still out so just us girls) about pmt and stuff and explained that its fine to sometimes be moody or angry and upset and not know why but that she needs to tell me thats she's having a crap day so I dont react badly. We cooked up a few more deals too.

I have said for her to stay home from guides tonight, and instead she can have a massive bubble bath, I will give her a pedicure and paint her toenails a fab colour and then early night and new day tomorrow

Thanks all so much

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39andcounting · 20/09/2007 18:52

You have moved me to think we have all helped you so much, will give my DDan extra big hug tonight and make sure she knows how special she is.

Well done for having a chat. You have gone from being a mum that thinks she dislikes her DD to a patient mum that does in fact adore her daughter. Not patronising you so hope it doesnt sound like it.

Enjoy your evening. Is she into High school musical ? Part 2 on tomorrow.

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