Losing myself...since becoming a parent

[soulful22]

I feel like I'm a walking time bomb full of stress and unhappiness, since becoming a parent. (I don't dislike my kids or hate being a parent or regret anything) but I do find myself missing my old self (care free, very chilled out, full of energy, happy) compared to now (always feeling stressed, annoyed, unhappy, tired, even angry which is really unlike me)
I tried to go to counselling but didn't stick with it, tried to open up to my partner , try get some support, but he's not much help. Even to friends or family but all I get is "it will get easier", "no point stressing" "calm down, you will be fine" etc which doesn't really help.

I just find that I have little to no patience, I hate repeating myself (which is a daily thing), my mind is all over the place a lot of the time, and I just don't feel great. I feel like I'm trying hard to appear ok and somewhat happy. Even just when I try to sing along to my favourite song (because even thou I can't sing , it's what I enjoy doing) my kids start to shout over me and make noise, and that really makes me frustrated.

I don't want to keep feeling like this, any suggestions on what I can do, what could help?

This current time is even more difficult because there's gp to get a referral for counselling and I can't afford private sessions.

Any help or suggestions ? 😕

How old are they?

How old are your kids?

Can you OH have the kids and you can have 30min here and there in your bedroom with some music in your headphones?

Have you tried anti depressants or other medication?

I'm no expert. I go through similar feelings in cycles. It was definitely more frequent when DC was under 5.

It sounds cliched but fresh air and time outside just observing nature helps me.

My kids are aged 4 (will be 5 next month) and 2 (will be 4 in 3 months)

I have considered anti depressants but feel as thou they mask the problem.

I go out and get fresh air, I exercise, OH takes them out (when I've moaned about feeling like I do everything) but as soon as those things are over, I feel like I'm back at the start.

I fly off the handle so easily, feel actual anger sometimes, and it just really surprises me, because literally before I had kids, I've never been like that.

I've tried meditation. Writing down my thoughts and feelings.

That’s just what parenting is like unfortunately. Being tired makes you angry. Being hassled and having no freedom makes you stressed. Imo antidepressants aren’t the solution - depression is a vey normal reaction to an unhappy situation. You just have to tough it out until the kids are old enough to be less of a burden.

It’s honestly their age. Mine are 4 and 7 and I’m constantly on edge because they fight all the time, break stuff, throw stuff, scream and cry. Honestly my nerves are shreds. I cannot relax. I rarely go out by myself because I feel as though something will happen if my eyes aren’t on them. But one day I know I’ll find myself again and I won’t be constantly worried. So my advice is to give it time and try and enjoy them when they’re young as teenagers bring a whole other heap of problems 😬

@rhodri. That's what I try to tell myself. And I try to explain to my OH that years of tiredness plus everything else can have that effect on some people. But I feel as thou he doesn't get it.

I just really don't want it to have a negative impact on the kids and the way in which they are emotionally and also the way it impacts on my OH.

No advice OP but i feel exactly the same as you. You're not alone and your post makes me relieved that i am not either.

Oh god, totally get how you feel. It’s definitely the ages of your kids. I completely felt the same at this time. It does get better though and soon. It’s so hard when they’re little and don’t listen etc. I think taking time for yourself is key and having friends in the same situation to moan to! In my experience their ages are on the cusp of when things get easier for a few years. In the meantime..deep breathes xx

@justanotherneighinparadise
Wow 4 and 7 and ur still on edge... 😯

Think I need to find something to help. Because I honestly don't think I could cope for a few more years like this. I know myself. And I don't like stress. (I know some people will say well everyone mother goes through it ... but everyone handles things differently)

It sounds dramatic. But I feel like I'm more fed up of being a parent than actually enjoying it. And I don't want to feel that way... I want to enjoy it, I don't want my kids to be like "she was always sad " "always shouting" etc. 🙈

If your partner is not equally tired and stressed then he isn’t doing his share. In which case: fuck him, his feelings are not your problem. From my perspective - I just don’t enjoy being a mum. I want to sleep and have more me-time. No amount of counselling or drugs is going to make me feel better about that. You can’t talk yourself out of wanting freedom and self fulfilment and rest. I’ve just given up and accepted that this is my life: the only way out is through.

@Whatsthekey aww thank u. Sometimes I do feel like I'm the worst at this "parenting" and, am I the only one who can't cope.

It does help hearing other people say they feel the same

I complained about similar on here OP and got told I should have thought about this before I had kids

Do you actually do anything by yourself, for yourself, ever? Because that's the place to start. Yes, you do have to come back to the shit show eventually, but if it's regular you can have something to look forward to every so often.

Sorry you're feeling like this OP. It is tough with 2 young children. What worked for me was taking evening primrose tablets with starflower. It takes about a month to feel the difference. Sorry can't think of anything else other than you have my sympathies.

If DH doesn’t work at the weekend do you take a day each when you are responsible for childcare so your partner can have a long lie or a jog alone for an hour or whatever? That can make a big difference. As can having help in the evenings rather than you being expected to do everything. In my experience men are lazy and will try and get out of their responsibilities or do things so badly you don’t ask them again. Don’t fall for that. Make sure evening childcare is fair.

Anti depressants don’t Mask things. They balance the chemicals in your brain which are unbalanced and allow you to hold onto your happiness and energy instead of it falling through a sieve and vanishing sort of thing! Defo worth trying. You will know exactly what’s going on and still be with it, just not as tired, stressed or crabbit.

@Fatted ooo I don't like when people say that. I had a friend say to me "well u chose to have kids".
Yes I did. But I didn't know how I would feel or cope with it before I had them...

I started having every Friday off work (from last November) just to give me a day to do what I want , (sleep, private work, clean, sing to myself , whatever) but obviously with this lockdown. That's made it difficult.

@zeddybrek
Thank u. I will give the oil capsules a try.

The early years are a slog, my boy is 11 now and so much fun to be with, trite to say but once through the first bit this bit is fun.
Steeling myself for teen years, I was a total arsehole, I’ll get it all back I’m sure! In spades!
I found not having time just to be alone really horrible, not even being able to have a shower or use the toilet was awful!
Any opportunity to be ‘selfish’ and get breathing space? It’s not selfish at all btw, we all need a moment

I think it is really important to ringfence some time when you go and do something where you are just "you" and not your dc's Mum.

It will be different fo everyone - a sports team, a choir, an art class of some kind, but the key is, it is regular. Every Tuesday night or whatever. (Obviously once this is over and we can do such things again).

I did it when mine were little. I was shattered and didn't really want to go but always felt better for going.

Yes I chose to have kids. But I didn’t know it would be like this. I saw other people carrying on with their lives, having careers and nights out, even dating. But I didn’t realise the large extent to which they were being facilitated by free childcare. Now I’ve realised that lots of those mums are separated from the dads so they have shared custody. Not kidding, I’ve actually considered leaving my husband so I could have every other weekend off. And many of them have grandparents or siblings who take the kids for the evening or even overnight. My friend can work because her MIL collects her DC every single day. Others are much higher earners than me so they can afford paid childcare.

I have no respite, no free childcare, no money to pay, so basically I’m on the hook 24/7 and it’s soul destroying. I don’t even get an evening free - I have no idea how other people persuade their DC to go to sleep, mine is up till 11pm. Not to mention the fact that I saw other women returning to physical normality after childbirth and stupidly assumed that I would too. Becoming a mum has absolutely fucked my life and my body, but it’s too late to turn back now. Which is why you just have to keep going - there’s no other choice.

I really feel for you. I feel the same. I have 2 young children.

My DH works really long hours in a job he loves and having children has definitely changed our relationship, and it’s not for the better. His life has barely changed but mine has beyond recognition.

The only thing that has ‘saved’ me is working. For me, work is a break. I am not ‘mum’ at work. I don’t get yelled or screamed all day either (well, sometimes!) I was supposed to go back in March to a new job and my younger child had had 1 settling in day in childcare and I had the day off before it closed due to lockdown. That was an amazing day.

Due to my DHs job, no family support and vastly oversubscribed, expensive childcare around where I live, I feel I have had to fight for every tiny piece of me I can carve out. I’ve somewhat achieved it and you can too. Don’t give up on you. I’m re-training from September and I’m proud of that. It’s been tough even finding the energy to fill out applications and prep for interviews but it’s worth it as I know it leads to a break (even if it’s just on the train commuting.) It’s an upwards slope but work/training helps me feel me.

Don’t forget that you share the cost of childcare with your partner. It’s not just your responsibility.

Why aren’t you getting respite? I have to literally fight my H to get it but I don’t back down. I also dream about divorce and a weekend off eow but I don’t think the grass would be greener. It will get better.

I feel the same. I have one child. The way I deal with it as best I can is a combination of taking whatever time I can for myself at any opportunity. My work is an absolute godsend and respite. I pay for childcare when I can. I love my DD more than anything in the world and I like her and enjoy her a great deal. But I find motherhood so stressful. I think the stress and anger is caused by feeling out of control and not having personal space and time to myself so that's what I try to rectify. I also have therapy.

My kids are roughly the same age. I find that it starts getting easier to do things for myself now.
I let them play by themselves in the living room and sit at the table checking my phone or wtv. What I mean is I can leave them for 20 min without hovering over them and they are fine :)
Either TV (yeah, yeah, judge all you want!) or toy rotation is good to keep them entertained for a little while. Today was just the cardboard from some packaging and pencils. They made lines and holes all over the cardboard!! Score for me

@Tobebythesea

Yes work is much needed break away for me. To have adult convos and no crying and whining.

My OH works long hours, and weekends. We moved away from the city for a better life for the kids. And so have no family around to quickly step in. So it is mainly me. My OH goes away for weekends for work or for work courses. It's very frustrating.

I do very much feel as though my life has changed drastically whilst his hasn't. But he doesn't see it, doesn't understand it from my perspective. Even getting a job, I have to get what ever fits around his work and around school hours and nursery hours (where we are not paying too much )

Definitely a lot more to becoming a mum, becoming a parent than I ever imagined.

@Rhodri , don't even get me started on my body. Lol. Coz I think that's another issue that has contributed to my frustrations. Another issue that my OH doesn't understand, doesn't sympathise about with me. Seeing so many people "snap back" and it not happen for me. Really crushed my confidence (personality and body image) :( ... I exercise, watch what I eat, but it will never look how I want it to look for me to feel happy with my body. I am working on my confidence in accepting my new bod but it's not easy for everyone

It's been a tough journey. I will try to keep going. There is no other option really. Just keep trying to find myself , find my confidence again.

I wonder why women find motherhood so difficult nowadays? Our grannies popped out a dozen babies with no complaints! Perhaps we have higher expectations than women did before? We expect to have fulfilling careers, be able to go to the gym and have fit bodies, have time to consume various types of media, and be individuals with our own hobbies and interests. Because we did those things before becoming mothers, so when it’s taken away because you have to commit to your kids it’s a huge loss. Whereas women in decades past probably didn’t have great lives that they had to give up. Basically they had nothing to lose anyway so motherhood wasn’t such a big shift for them. Just musing really - why is it so hard for me but it wasn’t for my own mum?