Immense guilt over not breastfeeding - please help

[porridge765]

I gave birth 5.5 weeks ago to my first (and only) DC and had a very difficult time of it, with an EMCS and postpartum haemorrhage in which I lost several litres of blood. It meant that I was in hospital for a week after the birth and my baby was looked after at home by DH. She had jaundice when she was born and we were encouraged to feed her as much as possible at very regular intervals to flush out the bilirubin. That worked and she's now doing well.

Because of the difficult birth I was too ill and weak to express while in hospital, and other than a few mls of colostrum that I'd expressed beforehand, the baby was formula fed from day 1. When I came home I was still shattered from the whole ordeal and continued feeding the baby formula because it was easiest.

However, as time has gone on I've been feeling increasingly upset and guilty that I haven't managed to breastfeed. Every time I feed her it makes me really sad and tearful, as I worry that feeding her from a bottle has lessened the bond between us.

Initially the baby would instinctively root for my breast and now she doesn't do that anymore, probably because she's adapted to the bottle. Seeing her reach for a plastic bottle rather than my breast every time I feed her really upsets me, to the point where I'm often in tears over it.

I feel like I'm constantly bombarded with the "breast is best" message - even the Aptamil formula website has a pop-up on the home page stating how breastfeeding is better for the baby than buying their products. I know that breast is best, but it makes me feel even worse about myself, like I'm a crap mum and I'm really letting my daughter down.

My health visitor has been understanding and says that I shouldn't put myself under so much pressure to BF given what I went through with the birth, but I just can't get past the guilt and sadness and can't stop beating myself up.

Two weeks ago I spent £50 I don't have on a breast pump from Amazon in an impulse purchase and it's been sitting gathering dust in the bedroom ever since. I feel like I can't return it because of what it will symbolise - that BF will never happen for me.

Does anyone have any advice?

I’m so so sorry you’re feeling this way. Having your first baby during this period must be terrible.

I promise you it won’t always feel like this. Formula is fine for your baby - you can’t tell which baby is formula or breast fed and after the age of 1 or 2 it doesn’t even ever factor into conversation.

You lost loads of blood, your body was concentrating on making you well enough to look after your baby. Please be gentle on yourself. I’m also really sad you were apart from your baby for those first few days / that just have been so hard.

Right now it won’t feel like it, but this isn’t the defining part of your time as a mother, far from it.

Congratulations

My daughter had different issues but wanted to breastfeed very much. Part of her solution was/is a lactaid which delivers milk through a very thin tube by the nipple and can help with relactation, supplementation (if supply is low for some reason) or enable the non nutritional side of breast feeding to continue when for whatever reason lactation isn't happening.

It's quite a faff but for her proved better than exclusively supplementing with a bottle.

Very best of luck whatever you decide, do PM me if you want to know more specific details 🌺

Honestly, in a few months or years time how they are fed doesn't seem important any more. At the start it's this all consuming thing loaded with so much pressure and guilt, but one day you realise your child is healthy and happy and it really doesn't matter. And then you move on to the next thing to feel guilty about! Believe me, there's plenty of them,

I did breastfeed but I had expected to do extended BFing and we ended up stopping when DD was a year and I found that really emotional and upsetting. But five months on I don't even really think of it any more, life just goes on.

If you really did want to start breastfeeding again, it might be possible, but it takes a lot of work and doing it out of guilt won't be healthy for either of you. Enjoy your lovely baby and give yourself a break

Please do not do this to yourself I had one breastfed two bottle-fed. It really really makes no impact on their physical or mental development as a quick glance at my family DH was bottle-fed higher Cheever it really really makes no impact on their physical or mental development. You would not be able to buy it if it was substandard nutrition. Nurturing your baby is much more than just feeding at some point way in the future They will be eating chocolate chips pizza and allsorts of shit you would rather they didn’t it’s a balance please look after yourself and baby.
Very very different but only slightly similar theme my dog is due to have puppies and I am preparing myself to formula feed, sometimes things work out some dont.
My breastfeeding record
Four days
Six days
Seven months

Oops that’s what happens when you dictate rather than type hope it makes sense

Don’t put yourself through it. I understand the guilt because I was the same. Now dd is older it really doesn’t matter that she was formula fed. And our bond is wonderful. It really couldn’t be any better.

My son was formula fed (through choice - shock horror!!) but I don't feel guilty. Why should I? My son is very much loved, cared for and has a brilliant life. He's now two and a half and a happy and healthy little boy.

Seems to be a lot of people on here who are fine with shouting at their kids, picking men over their kids, without feeling guilty and yet everyone seems to feel guilty if they don't breastfeed and I just don't understand it.

I was breastfed as a baby and have ended up with asthma, countless ear infections a dodgy thyroid and shitty health overall. As a child I was poorly a lot. My son on the other hand is hardly ever ill. I'm not saying breastfeeding isn't the best thing as yes it is in an ideal world. But I really don't understand the shame of formula feeding, people putting themselves through breastfeeding when they are in pain and miserable, I don't get it.

Op congratulations on your baby. Don't feel guilty.

I couldn't breast feed for a variety of reasons and felt horribly guilty about it but my baby is nearly 6 months old and he plays with my face and hair while feeding- it feels like a nice bonding experience! I regret spending so much time stressing about it now, so please try not to.

Hi OP. My baby is 8 weeks old. I ended up having a EMCS, then myself and my son had a 5 day hospital stay because we both had sepsis. My son also has tongue tie. He got colostrum for the first few days of life, then I found breastfeeding so awful I gave up.

I dont feel guilty in the slightest. I feel like bottle feeding was the right decision given what we'd both been through, and im happy that im able to feed him despite our experiences. I think theres a lot of pressure/snobbery surrounding EBF and it doesnt serve anyone except the mothers who do EBF. It excludes everyone else, which in turn does nothing for maternal mental health.

Theres nothing wrong with formula, and really the alternative would be a starving baby.

Please don't feel sad. Your baby is thriving. That is all that matters. I promise in 5 years, you won't give this a second thought.

Breastfeeding really is only negligibly better than formula. You will hear all these amazing benefits trotted out time and time again, but people won't mention they're really tiny. So tiny you can only tell the difference on a national level. So please put the health thing to one side - you are feeding your daughter a safe, nutritious alternative

As far as bonding goes, you will always be your baby's number 1, breastfeeding or not. I was bf and have no relationship with my mum as an adult, my best friend was bottle fed and has an amazing close relationship with her mum. So it is not a guarantee of anything. There are many ways to bond.

FWIW I dont think you will regret choosing to enjoy your newborn days rather than stress out about bfing and dragging yourself along to bfing appointments, groups etc. They're only very tiny for a few months, enjoy every second ❤

If you look at a group of five year old, can you tell who was breastfed and who wasn't....no you can't. Formula is a wonderful invention, it supports babies to grow.

Please don't beat yourself up you tried and fed is best.

I had an CS and wanted to give BF a go. Nothing came through. I had some many women helping me try and try and even the BF coach in the hospital said I'd have to FF as my baby has low bloody sugar as she was getting nothing. With my second I just didn't both. I didn't want to effort then the disappointment. Just put it far from your mind and enjoy your baby.

I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way. Please don't give yourself such a hard time. Your baby is happy, healthy and thriving and that is what is important. These first few weeks and months go so quickly, please try to enjoy them. You went through a very difficult birth and it must've been traumatic being in hospital away from your husband and baby. Give yourself a break and let yourself enjoy it now. It really isn't worth all the heartache. You did what was the right thing for your baby. What would be wrong and what seems very common these days is to breastfeed at all costs, leaving baby crying and hungry and a mum who is upset and frustrated. Some people can breastfeed easily, some can't and some don't have the opportunity like yourself. What really matters is that you enjoy your baby, that is where the bond will be made. I have friends who breastfed for the first year who really struggled and would now say they would never do it again but they felt they had to put themselves through that. I think that's terribly sad that they didn't enjoy their baby because they felt they had to breastfeed. Please stop torturing yourself x

My daughter is now 2 and when I think back to the first few months what makes me sad isn't the fact that I had to give her formula, it's that I spend the first 4 months desperately trying to breastfeed or express milk and spent hours in tears and stressed about it. What a waste! Don't make the same mistake I did. I wish i had just focused on enjoying my beautiful baby and mat leave. There are plenty of ways for you to bond with your baby, I promise.

DS was in special care for 6 weeks after birth and while I expressed the colostrum he was ff down a tube from a week old. I continued to ff when I got home.
The difference is that I didn’t want to breast feed and actually did more than I had originally planned.
He’s 14 months now and we have a wonderful bond, always have, and he has just as strong a bond with DH which makes me happy.

You were badly ill, your baby was ill, you made a decision that kept your baby alive! You were too sick to breastfeed and express, thank goodness formula was there.

Send the pump back, congratulate yourself for making the right decision for your baby's wellbeing, remember that something like 97% of British babies are formula fed by 6 months and we don't have a crazy epidemic of un-bonded children, and let it go. If you can't let it go in a little while, then do consider whether the traumatic experience of birth has left you with PND that needs intervention.

Imagine a load of little children playing happily. Would you be able to pick out those that were breast fed?
NO, it's an utter nonsense making women feel miserable about this.

You are doing brilliantly.

Please don’t beat yourself up over this. You have had a very traumatic, even life- threatening experience and instead of being able to rest and recuperate you are focusing entirely on your child and the maelstrom of having a baby in a global epidemic. You have done everything you could in this situation and now it’s time to move on and make your peace with what’s happened so you can have a lovely time with your baby. There are so many bumps in the road of parenthood - feeding, sleeping, crying, weaning,walking, tantrums, homework , puberty ... and when you look back at the ones from earlier you wonder why you were so upset, given that things are fine and that everything worked out in the end. I promise you that everything’s going to be ok but it’s alright to grieve something that you feel has been taken from you.

Please please don't feel bad. I bottle fed both my dc, anyone who talks about not bonding with your baby is talking rubbish. My dds & I are very close & always have been. It's nobody else's business so please try to ignore them. As for antibodies etc, mine went through junior & senior school with next to no time off.
You do whatever works for you & enjoy your lovely baby.

Fed is best!

I'd highly recommend reading French Children Don't Throw Food by Pamela Druckerman. She talks at length about how the French are the total opposite and encourage you to feed with formula. It's quite refreshing to have an opposite view when breastfeeding is constantly shoved down our throats in the UK.

Sorry it upsets you, but you're doing a great job at being a mum! As long as your baby is growing, that's the main thing :)

Please do not ruin your early days thinking about this. I did with my first and I think I had some kind of PTSD. It was on my mind 24/7 and it seemed the biggest deal in the world. He’s 17, an incredible sportsman, no allegies, barely any days sick and phenomenal GCSE results. I have NO idea how his friends were fed. I couldn’t care less, it’s totally irrelevant.

I was in hospital for a week after the birth and my baby was looked after at home by DH.

Your baby is so lucky.

Her mama was so sick after the birth that she needed to stay in hospital and she had another parent who was ready and able to step in and take over.

Your traumatic birth and the aftermath must have been so incredibly difficult for you.

None of that was ideal, you know that. In an ideal world a mother walks out of hospital carrying her baby.

I'm so sorry that didn't happen for you. It sucks. It totally sucks. But the truth is, many of us don't get the ideal births we wanted.

You really didn't luck out. You should seek out whatever support you need to deal with the mental fallout of that for you, because it might be an ongoing issue.

But the tiny piece of perfection in the middle of the horror you experienced is that your little vulnerable baby had another parent there who stepped up for her. In extremis (which this was) she had a brand new Dad who took her home and fed her and looked after her.

Breastfeeding is important. But the most important thing for a baby is that they are safe and loved from the moment they are born and your baby had that.

I am worried about how what you have been through will affect you. But I have no worries about your daughter. Her whole life she has been loved and safe and that is because she was born into a good family.

Try to be as kind to yourself as you can be and seek help for birth trauma and PND. Breastfeeding is really not important here. You are, she is, your partner is.

Good luck to you all. Well done and congratulations.

When my baby was a few weeks old, I was OBSESSED with a few things and would bawl my eyes out thinking of them. It was later I realised it was really down to a mix of my hormones and trauma from the birth. What I was upset about didn't really matter that much objectively. But at the time, it felt so important and I was so upset.

My birth was not as traumatic as yours. Maybe like the pp, this is really a form of PTSD?

In my case, I narrowed down that what I was really upset over was the lack of control I had on the day and grief that everything I'd planned had gone out of the window.

Once I realised this, everything felt a bit better and I stopped crying.

I also had an emcs and failed to bf and i just felt sooooo guilty. I hated the bottle but trying to bf stressed me out.

I tried to express but frankly i hated the feel of that and it took ages in which i could have spent with my daughter what with all the washing and steralising and then trying to get her to bf as well it just felt like an uphill battle.

And then as the bf expert said, if i want to bf i have to increase my supply and so you have to pump 8 times a day. And it's just no life. It took me 20-30 a session to do both boobs during which time if she cried I'd either have to give up and it takes longer, or my OH took care of her which was only possible during his leave. So it make more impossible when he returned to work. And what was the point in leaving her crying just for the sake of breast milk?

Giving up on that and alluring that she'd be ff was the best thing. But it didn't come without a few years and feeling like I'd failed her. Honestly, still a touchy subject.

I'm sorry you had to go through what you did and i know how you feel. But honestly ff has its advantages and i hate how the whole breast is best send to make our that ff is a failure or really bad. No it isn't. I grew up in ff and perfectly healthy thank you! Bf is not a cute all. Your baby won't be in any way more healthy being bf than not. Obviously it has its benefits but i very much doubt that the gap between bf and ff is remotely wide.

It is harder i think when your birth did not go entirely to plan. Because you cling to being able to do some things right.

But you've done what's best for your baby. And all the guilt doesn't help YOU. It's ok to ff. Your baby will be fine. They will still bond with you and love you.