Immense guilt over not breastfeeding - please help

[porridge765]

I gave birth 5.5 weeks ago to my first (and only) DC and had a very difficult time of it, with an EMCS and postpartum haemorrhage in which I lost several litres of blood. It meant that I was in hospital for a week after the birth and my baby was looked after at home by DH. She had jaundice when she was born and we were encouraged to feed her as much as possible at very regular intervals to flush out the bilirubin. That worked and she's now doing well.

Because of the difficult birth I was too ill and weak to express while in hospital, and other than a few mls of colostrum that I'd expressed beforehand, the baby was formula fed from day 1. When I came home I was still shattered from the whole ordeal and continued feeding the baby formula because it was easiest.

However, as time has gone on I've been feeling increasingly upset and guilty that I haven't managed to breastfeed. Every time I feed her it makes me really sad and tearful, as I worry that feeding her from a bottle has lessened the bond between us.

Initially the baby would instinctively root for my breast and now she doesn't do that anymore, probably because she's adapted to the bottle. Seeing her reach for a plastic bottle rather than my breast every time I feed her really upsets me, to the point where I'm often in tears over it.

I feel like I'm constantly bombarded with the "breast is best" message - even the Aptamil formula website has a pop-up on the home page stating how breastfeeding is better for the baby than buying their products. I know that breast is best, but it makes me feel even worse about myself, like I'm a crap mum and I'm really letting my daughter down.

My health visitor has been understanding and says that I shouldn't put myself under so much pressure to BF given what I went through with the birth, but I just can't get past the guilt and sadness and can't stop beating myself up.

Two weeks ago I spent £50 I don't have on a breast pump from Amazon in an impulse purchase and it's been sitting gathering dust in the bedroom ever since. I feel like I can't return it because of what it will symbolise - that BF will never happen for me.

Does anyone have any advice?

Hi @porridge765, hope you’re ok

Thanks for the understanding replies. My health visitor says baby is thriving and it’s time to move forward and look to the future now. I know she’s right but I’m still feeling huge guilt and sadness over the lack of BF.

Jesus fucking christ give yourself a break you poor woman!!!
Your baby is so lucky to have a mother who put the needs of her child first in feeding them when they needed it (jaundice) and a father who stepped up to the plate when their mother was recovering in the hospital so she could care for them.
Please please please stop beating yourself up.
My DS was formula fed from day 1 for similar reasons. He's 20 months now and fucking massive height wise and healthy and happy. Literally no one else cares how your baby is fed either.

" thriving", now theres a happy word. Well done you.

I posted a similar post several weeks ago. I breast fed my little girl (who is now 11 weeks) until she was 2 weeks and hospitalised for losing too much weight. I wasn't making enough milk for her. At the time I was exhausted and I was told to feed, pump and give a bottle then top up with formula. I got home and I just couldn't do it. I pumped a bit bit quickly went on to formula. As time went on and I felt better I. Myself, probably around tour point now, I began to beat myself up. I should have tried harder, I should have waited until my milk came in etc. The first time she took a bottle and drained it. She was obviously starving. If I'm honest I still feel like you do. But I'm trying g to put a positive spin on it. And here are some - the baby got your colostrum, that's amazing! Your partner can be involved in the feeding and create a bond, you can have some you time (my husband does the last feed of the day whilst I do a workout, have a shower etc) and I don't have to worry when I'm at the supermarket the she's starving, my parents can look after her after lockdown so we can enjoy time as a couple. And my baby girl is so happy and growing well what more could I ask for? She's smiling all the time. I was formula fed after a few weeks as my mum had the same issues as me and I like to think I'm a normal adult with a good job, degree, etc. Everyone tells me eventually I won't even think about it any more! It's hard I know 😞 but also it was circumstances out of your control. Breast feeding is hard work. Keep going and wait until your baby starts smiling at you. There wills definitely bed a bond., but I worried about this too.

Just to give you a different perspective - I breastfed my DS until he was 9 months because I thought it was the right thing to do. I hated every single second of it and it really impacted on my mental health and my ability to bond with him. I'm certain that any incremental benefits of breastfeeding were completely outweighed by the negatives.

My point is is that breastfeeding isn't the be all and end all. It's OK to be sad but don't build it up into something it might not have been.

It will get easier! Be kind to yourself

It's so nice to see all the lovely replies to OP here.

Please don't beat yourself up about breastfeeding not working. I did this with my first, tried pumping for ages, managed to get it to work with formula supplementation but tbh it ended up contributing to PND and definitely did not help with bonding - quite the opposite. To this day I bitterly regret trying so hard, I felt like such a failure and it ruined the first six months. Second baby I tried again and it worked better (I refused to pump that time - the 8 times a day pumping schedule is pure evil and I needed to sleep), but that time I was set on mixed feeding from the start and had no qualms about supplementing. I mainly carried on bf as she was colicky and seemed a bit better on it.

Both babies were fine. Both of them needed formula to thrive. Both failed to thrive before I supplemented them.

Tbh I think the breastfeed/bottle/pump cycle is terrible for maternal mental health. You get no sleep at all as there is barely an hour left at the end of each cycle before the next one starts. I know it is supposed to help struggling women establish bf but at what cost?

Please enjoy the first few months with your beautiful baby. I tried so much less with breastfeeding the second baby and the bond was so much better as I actually had time to enjoy and cherish them.

There is nothing wrong with formula feeding. Send the breast pump back and concentrate on recovering from a very traumatic birth and enjoying your baby!

I think the medical staff should explain that EMCS and blood loss sometimes lead to bf complications, I had similar experience (with less blood loss) and it contributed to it and I wish I'd known as I wouldn't have been so hard on myself.

I found I had low iron levels after EMCS/blood loss so I'd recommend taking a supplement to help, it helped my energy levels a lot.

Oh my love. I have 2 children 15 months apart in age. I was bottle fed, one was breast fed. You cannot tell any difference.

The biggest deal is what is happening with their GCSEs content. I mean that in the nicest way

It's absolutely understandable to feel upset that you were not able to feed your baby in the way you had hoped.

Professor Amy Brown has written a book called why breastfeeding grief and trauma matters.

Her stuff is great and really helpful, I hope you feel better about this soon.

Hi OP, I nearly killed myself restarting breastfeeding after giving up after 2 weeks when he wasn't producing anywhere near enough wet nappies. The hours in my son's early months when I could have been playing with him, catching up on sleep, doing housework or just doing something nice for myself for a few minutes were spent pumping, pumping, pumping. I did eventually get him on the boob, at 6 months, but always needed to supplement.

Was it worth it? Not from a bonding perspective. He would only ever take a bottle from me or my husband - flat-out refused from anyone else - so clearly bottle feeding did bond us.

The only reason I'm glad I persevered was that my son always had trouble with constipation and very bad wind on formula, and we tried every brand. He was okay when we bottle-fed him breastmilk. However, in hindsight, I was overfeeding him when he was actually tired/bored etc, which won't have helped the wind at all. He is still prone to constipation now, with all the whoelgrain and fruit you can imagine, so this is in part just him and wouldn't be the same for every formula fed baby.

In hindsight, I was fixating on the breastfeeding because of much bigger issues around me and becoming a mum. Parenting is a marathon, not a race, and with the neauty of hindsight, it would have been better for my whole family if I'd done more to address these issues then (instead of constantly Googling 'hospital-grade breatpump'...).

I was in a similar boat to you, although it was my son stuck in hospital for a week and me at home.
I felt terribly guilty when I wasn’t producing enough milk for him, and the neonatal had to top him up with formula.
When he got home I drove myself crazy trying to express and keep my milk going, it was awful. Plus I felt huge pressure that I needed to breastfeed to bond and to feel like a ‘real’ mum- I felt so disconnected from my baby.
To cut a long story short, I was mega traumatised by the birth and breastfeeding was just a convenient stick to beat myself with. Maybe you are doing the same?
It’s very very hard when you’re in it, but trust me- it won’t matter in a few months, once they’re weaning.
As other people have said, how amazing that your baby had a dad who could take him home, keep him safe and feed him. I remember my therapist telling me that the breastfeeding, mum-centric thing is quite a new concept. In other countries, it’s quite normal for other women to feed the baby for a few weeks until the mother has recovered, and not at all a big deal. The idea is that the mum needs to feel well to help the baby thrive.
I think that’s got so forgotten in our culture. There’s such a pressure (I felt it acutely) for mums to give birth, instantly fall in love, recover immediately from what is often a very traumatic experience, and then dedicate the next six months of their life to feeding their baby every couple of hours- and be fantastically happy about it!
When you look at it written down, it seems like madness, and a recipe for guilt and feelings of failure.
Please please be kind to yourself. Trust that time will heal these feelings, and as you grow more confident as a mum, you’ll realise that how you feed your baby has absolutely no bearing on your relationship with her.
If you feel like you need some support, please reach out to your GP and ask for a referral to the perinatal mental health team. They are a fabulous bunch and pretty much saved me in those early months.
You’re doing an amazing job- and this is just the start- there’s so many better days to come x