Partner doesn't help enough

[GreyGemini]

Ok Buckle in...

I have a fiance who is also the owner of a medium sized business... he's never been much help around the house as he is a workaholic and I had kind of come to terms with it. We never spent time together (we did initially) and he would never want to go out on weekends or basically do anything fun, we have never had a holiday until 5 years in. I understand, he's busy, I support where I can but it's caused many a row...

Fast forward to having our baby, who is now few weeks old, and lockdown... partner refused to take Pat leave which to be honest I sort of expected deep down even though he's WFH and I begged him to... I'm sleeping in a spare room with babe as he didn't want his sleep disturbed. I've always known he was selfish and self centred in a non malicious way, he was properly mothered and still is by my MIL (still irons his shirts for work etc) And he 'can't' do anything such as cooking. We had a cleaner as I was working 40 hours a week also and studying but that was pre lock down so now we don't have one and it's harder as baby is attached to my hip, I do what I can when he's asleep though rather than resting myself as I hate the comments about the house being messy.

Anyway, I've always worked 40+ hours, study, housework, cooking, food shops (even during lockdown when pregnant women weren't meant to go, he refused so I was shopping right up until I popped) and he will not do anything. If I said 'I'm not cooking' well none of us would eat.

He doesn't help unless I literally beg him, he won't do any housework or cooking or shopping and I literally can't leave this baby, I'm also breastfeeding and baby won't go to him for longer than 15 mins before screaming so that's always in my mind. I'm completely sleep deprived. Partner wakes up in the morning to 'get ready for work' even though he is WFH he spends 40 mins showering and doing his hair etc???? Video calls are important I guess

Anyway before falling pregnant I was close to leaving as it was so one sided, his excuse being he pays the mortgage lol. He is a workaholic and his excuse for doing F all outside of work is because he works 90 hours a week, but it's because he works and then stays in his office working all evening and weekends (despite promising me he would not work weekends when baby arrives)

There is so much I am not happy with I've contemplated leaving him a few times, honestly I love the baby and do not regret him one bit and I feel like a single mum already, what different would it be if I left? ... we aren't even a couple couple it feels as we don't hug or kiss anymore. I know it takes 2 to tango but I've begun resenting him for his lack of effort and care. He keeps telling me how tired he is in the mornings because he heard the baby a few times in the night! Even writing this is making me angry.

I don't know if lockdown hasn't helped but I honestly am at my wits end. The bins don't get done unless I go and do them and if I'm with the baby they get missed.

Can it get better? I don't know if I've gone too far over the line of bitter. We've been together 7 years now and it's mostly been him working. Problems being he is a workaholic and used to having someone do something for him his whole life.

Sorry for the rant... there's more I could say but don't want to ramble on too much.

I moaned to one friend who said 'you knew what you were getting into' so please don't say this, he wasn't like this when I fell for him.

Leave him 👍 you and the baby deserve better. I think you know that too.

I think next time he moans about baby you say that’s what babies do you ignorant twat. I’m sleeping in other room on a less comfy bed so you can sort of sleep. I don’t sleep, I don’t bloody rest. I have two jobs, running the house and parenting this baby. Luckily I don’t have a job as a wife as I seem to have been made redundant from the hugs and kisses offered there. 40 mins to wash your hair, I have less than 40 seconds to pee. How hard is it to take the damn bins out?

Sorry got carried away there. What is his business by the way? Might provide insight on how to try a last stitch attempt to get through to him.

First move back into your bedroom. He can have the spare room. Secondly cleaners are now allowed to come back to work so arrange for a cleaner.

(Sorry I know you did say not to say it but......)

Tbh you do say he has been like this for seven years. He will not change now.

Ah honestly I've said it all, when the baby was a week or so I had the real baby blues as he could hear him screaming (the room is next door) and didn't come in so I lost my shit and ended up in a huge row. He seems to think I'm unreasonable... honestly I know how it all looks.

You'll laugh but I'm in a spare box room and he is in the master bedroom with en suite but his dressing room is the 2nd largest room with an en-suite. Despite me asking to go into that room! He reckons I can go there this weekend though...

Our cleaner did come here last week funnily enough but it didn't stay clean for long!

I don't want to say what his business is as I really don't want anyone from work seeing this and putting 2 together, although I doubt that would happen!

I moaned a lot when pregnant and he said 'when you've had the baby you're going to apologise for being such a bitch' but I was so angry for not being treated like a bloody queen! Lol I did everything, he did nothing. He's cooked once for me in the whole relationship. And it was steak... he just can't see outside of his bubble.

He won't change op. He has no reason to, he doesn't care that you're unhappy and struggling. My dp has always worked long hours (I'm a SAHM)bu did his fair share of weekend nights, gave me breaks, etc- he's always been an equal parent. You need to decide if this is how you want your life to be.

@LouiseTrees he doesn't moan about the baby oddly, he seems besotted. Just seems as though he is resenting me currently for my attitude towards him. But I'm the same towards him! Can't even look at him at moment.

One thing I love is he won't hold him all day and then will FaceTime his mum in the evening with the baby there (after I've gotten him to sleep) as though he is the golden father, telling her about things he's done through the day (after I have told him those things!!) what a facade.

@indubiousbattle no I know he won't, this is why I need to decide my options. I have nowhere to go atm. So currently here and wondering if I just set myself up in the bigger room and ride out the lockdown. Partner promised weekends he would be more helpful but he's just been working. Honestly I want to burn his office down. I'm fine doing the baby stuff, but cooking with baby in one arm is just not easy! If he was picking up
The slack around the house I wouldn't mind so much. He won't even feed the dogs (his dogs mind you) without complaining. He thinks we should take it in turns to feed them despite me having looked after them the last 7 years!

How would he take it if you said you wanted to end the relationship?

@greygemini i done a post about my OH not pulling his weight when my DD was little, if i can find it ill tag you - only difference is i never in a million years saw it coming as he was amazing with neices/nephews and other kids and generally an amazing partner until he decided the baby was my job :|

@becomingme I did say this yesterday, I had the whole 'I'm done' chat, but he thinks I'm being blasé... it's because I couldn't give a s**t if I was with him now or not. We've had the convo a few times and I've never followed through so maybe he doesn't see it as a real threat. I think he would just carry on working and not really care to be honest but I don't know how he feels about me at moment due to his inability to show me he cares!

@girlmummy yes please do tag me, how did it end up? Did you stay? Oh everything stereotypically female is 'my job' I've spoken to his sister about it in depth and she said it's his mums fault as their mum pandered to his dad and then to him...

If you read that back as if it was someone else's post you'd tell them to get the hell out of there. How you're managing alone u don't know, i lived off biscuits for the first 3 weeks and didn't cook. You deserve SO much better. He is who is he and thats fine, but you don't have to put up with a useless partner. He doesn't like a partner at all actually.

Sound like*

Don't ask to go into the room you need, just take it. If the dressing room would be most comfortable for you move his stuff out (literally put it on his bed)and set yourself up there. Or the master (whichever works for you). Don't cook for him, get yourself a sandwich or takeaway, don't feed his dogs. If you can, just let his belly aching wash over you, he can grumble all he likes. Can you increase the frequency of the cleaner visits? Tbh I would probably resign myself to the fact that he won't help, banging your head against a brick wall trying get to get him to will just frustrate you. Lock down has made this so much harder for you.

He won't change.

If you leave, you'll have one less person to cook and clean for.

Honestly the way you describe it it sounds like if you left he wouldn't really notice. He'd get a cleaner and order takeaway.

You seeming to be bending over backwards to please him and enable him not to help out. Not a criticism but you need to focus on you and the baby.
First off move back into the bedroom- if he wants an undisturbed night let him move into the spare room.
Second you can have your cleaner back if you want as rules allow but if you are not comfortable with that then you do what you need to around you and the baby. Do the housework for the rooms you are using but not his office etc. He can do that.
Third- this may sound petty but only make your food. You said of you didn’t cook you would all go hungry. Well let him. You’ve got enough on with a baby so make sure you are fed (important with you breast feeding) but do it at a time to suit you and only for you.

You say you feel like a single parent and sounds like there was unhappiness before the baby came. You can’t change that and it sounds like he is not going to change if I’m honest so decide what you want- live like you are or split. But also stop enabling him to be lazy by doing everything.

Move back into your bedroom. If his sleep is disturbed he can leave.
But make your plans to leave. I’m not one for LTB at every turn but he won’t change, he doesn’t respect you and this isn’t how it should be. It is not how all men are. The resentment will build and build and it’s no environment to live in. As you say you’re already basically a single mother. This is not a life to live.

Yes you're all right! Thank you for the advice. No you're right he wouldn't notice if I was gone... he said if I left he would hire a cook. Also made a joke the other day about how he thinks it would be cool to be a single dad. I said you can't even stop the baby crying how would that work?

I am more than happy to have cleaner back, he used to come a few times a week, he's been furloughed so waiting on him to be allowed contractually but I paid him cash last week as was desperate.

No partner won't change. Things like having to attend a friends wedding alone a few years ago as he refused to come. Made me cancel
Family get together here as he was tired (my side of family) but I always have his here and always host Xmas for them etc... yeah I know what I need to do it's just doing it that's hard. Xx

It won't improve in my experience, not in any meaningful way. So sorry OP I know how hard and frustrating it is to be in your position

Mine did the lying to family about how involved he was too, made my blood boil. Especially as later down the line he would make up lies stories about me being incompetent to make himself look better.

@BuffaloCauliflower what does LTB mean? Sorry I'm new to the acronyms x

You definitely shouldn’t feed his dogs. Or walk them. Tell him you feel like you are being treated worse than the dogs and if you look after the baby he looks after the dogs. Don’t tell him what the baby has been doing, wait til his mum asks and say well daddys been working 90 hours but mummy got to see x,y,z. Don’t make it look like he does stuff. If he only does things that benefit him, you should only do things that benefit you and the baby.

@GreyGemini it means leave the b*ard

@LouiseTrees I know but I'm a people pleaser for my sins, I struggle to not do things for others. I was a pushover in my last relationship as he was quite abusive so I always think 'well
At least this one doesn't try to hit me or call me names etc' stupid justification but he can be lovely although it's rare, it's more the lack of anything emotional. It's just crap as in the beginning he was amazing! I will never get into another relationship if I leave this one, my experiences have been so crap so far!!