"Enjoy the cuddles"

[Letsallscreamatthesistene]

Over the last few weeks ive noticed a load of new mums posting on here when they're struggling with 3/4 week old newborns. More so than usual. I also did this a while back (baby now 7 weeks old).

I know people are trying to be kind, but please can we stop telling those who post on here asking for help to 'enjoy the cuddles'. It really just makes things worse because when you're in this middle of the stress and feeling overwhelmed with a newborn, you are definitely not 'enjoying the cuddles'. Especially if you've posted on here asking for help. 'Enjoy the cuddles' just makes you think should be enjoying them, then in turn that makes you feel like you're a bad mum because you're not.

On the back of this I do think its important to talk about how its ok not to love the newborn phase, when social media tells you that it should be the most perfect phase of your life. I think this expectation/reality gap isnt helpful, and causes a fair bit of damage.

Im not sure of the point of this post. Its just something I feel strongly about I think, and I think if it was spoken about a bit more it might alleviate these feelings a bit.

Totally agree. The first few weeks with my first born I was struggling to get a good latch so she cluster fed almost constantly. The last thing I wanted was to be told enjoy the cuddles. I wanted some space to breath, some peace and quiet and some body autonomy!
Everyone finds different stages hard. Mental health has taken a big hit since this started and being dismissive doesn't help.

Oh god. I say that because I felt there was no point to my newborns apart from the feeling and smell when they were asleep. Sorry

I agree. Nothing to make you feel more like a shit failure of a mother than being told to 'enjoy the cuddles' when your newborn is scarlet, rigid and screaming with colic/reflux/ASD/undiagnosed illnesses/any other reason newborns are rigid and scream.

Best advice I ever had on mothering was: only take advice from someone who has been in your position. So don't listen to advice about parenting a screaming baby from anyone other than someone who has had one. Strangely, the people who have been through the actual experience are always more sympathetic and give wiser, more practical advice than the huns.

I didn't 'treasure' any of the newborn stage. I survived it. It was not #preciousmemories, it was hell.
And babies don't cuddle. They get held.

Totally agree, it's not helpful at all. I hated having a newborn and the cuddles felt so draining. I tried to be honest with anyone who asked how it was going and a few friends (who were planning to start a family) actually thanked me for not pretending.

I think you've also touched on something that's cropping up more and more in posts. Some people seem to think that Motherhood is going to be one long Insta type dream and the reality is far from those perfect pictures. They are just that though, a snapshot of a second in someone's day.

I can remember crying at 3am and asking DH to take DC1 out because he was screaming again and I hadn't had any sleep in 24 hours.

Having DS as a newborn was probably the hardest thing I've ever done. Luckily DD was much, much easier.

Yes!! Totally agree.

I never understood why anyone would enjoy it. I still look back in horror at those days and miss not one thing about them. I can't bring myself to look at any photos of my baby in the first couple of months, such is the trauma.

'Enjoy the cuddles' has to be the single worst thing you can say to a woman struggling with a newborn baby. For all you know she could be on the brink of a mental health crisis caused in part by being stuck under a clingy, unsettled baby.

Yup.
Can we stop saying "enjoy the cuddles" and can we PLEASE then stop finishing the sentence with "just you wait until..." as if motherhood just gradually gets worse and worse, forever

Ugh, agree. Although there were high points, the newborn phase, especially with DS1, was just a horrible time to suffer through to get the lovely children I have now.

It's a long time since I had mine, but o got through the days by going out and about with mine to groups and things, just for some chat and adult company. It must be so hard to be a new parent just now, especially with these annoying comments.

Totally agree

@helpwithhouse YES I hated that. For me the new born period was so hard and people smugly telling you 'just wait until...' made me feel like a failure who would never cope in the future.

Agree. I was scared to say anything on here or ask for help because I was just told to enjoy it. I realise now I was in a pit of PND and I certainly didn't enjoy it. He's almost 6 months now and we're having a much better time.

I also HATE “this too shall pass”. It’s fucking patronising (I bloody know things will change) and it means absolutely nothing in your moment of desperation and misery.

My mum is part of the 'Ooh, just you wait' brigade and it seriously fecks me off. Is it a generational thing? Do women really get pleasure from seeing others fail? I don't think that's the case, but I just wonder why people delight in saying that.

Couldn't agree more! One of the first days DH went back to work he helped us get set up on the sofa downstairs and left at 8am. He got home at 10pm and said 'ah, right where I left you'. I instantly burst in to tears because I literally hadn't moved other than once to go to the toilet whilst DS screamed in his bouncy chair and to change his nappy.

I also HATE “this too shall pass”

I'm really glad that someone said this to me as it changed my perspective and help me get through some really tough times with my newborn. I have already said that to someone I know, quite recently. I really hope I didn't make things worse

@Wingingitsince2018 I had very similar happen! DH would make me a packed lunch before he left for work in the morning because he knew I wouldn't eat otherwise. I even went for 24 hours without drinking anything on one occasion, I felt totally useless.

Can we add "enjoy every second" too and "you'll miss this stage when it's over." I had both said to me when ds2 was born. I was feeling completely broken after a nasty haemmorhage and translated people's comments into "stop moaning, you're so ungrateful." Completely irrational but it's hard to be rational in the newborn phase.

@Alittleshortforaspacepooper i don't mind this one as I think it recognises that it's a hard time and it will be over soon, not that we have to enjoy it.

Everyone is different op. I absolutely hated the newborn stage (hard, exhausting, relentless etc) but the cuddles / love I had for my baby were pretty much the only things I did actually enjoy - therefore it's not a phrase that would've annoyed me one bit. I'd have appreciated it.

I still wouldn't say it to others for the reasons you give but it is still a helpful phrase to some (not all!).

@honeybee03 my DH did the same, the next day he even out it in a little coolbag next to me on the sofa so I could grab it really easily! The side table was a tea graveyard because when feeding they were always juuuust out of reach.

God yeah. And totally agree, they're not cuddles. They're a baby squirming in your arms, generally trying to find food, and then falling asleep leaving you trapped where you are and unable to go to the loo/get a cup of tea. I like to think my 9 month old is giving my cuddles now; in reality he's just trying to pull my hair or eat my face.

It seems to be a throw away phrase that gets trotted out without much thought I think, and its so damaging.

Just getting people talking about this, without a diagnosis of PND on it to legitimise the thoughts is important. Its ok to hate the newborn phase, its a normal reaction to the sheer upheaval in your life. It does no good to feel you either have to love it, or assume theres something wrong with you if you dont.

I do realise that PND will be the case for some women, but not all.

God, yeah, the first 12 weeks with my first baby were just a fucking grim endurance fest of trying not to lose my mind and think I'd made the biggest mistake of my life. I did not "enjoy the cuddles". I wanted more than anything to have my baby fucking OFF me for even half an hour.

I think it CAN be helpful to know how short that stage is though. My second was bags easier simply because of that perspective, although I realise it's of very limited comfort in the trenches of utter exhaustion.

YES! Drives me bonkers when some poor woman is sleep-deprived and struggling and gets told to 'just enjoy the cuddles'. Plus not every baby enjoys being cuddled anyway; my daughter has only started enjoying being cuddled and asking for cuddles since she turned one.