"Enjoy the cuddles"

[Letsallscreamatthesistene]

Over the last few weeks ive noticed a load of new mums posting on here when they're struggling with 3/4 week old newborns. More so than usual. I also did this a while back (baby now 7 weeks old).

I know people are trying to be kind, but please can we stop telling those who post on here asking for help to 'enjoy the cuddles'. It really just makes things worse because when you're in this middle of the stress and feeling overwhelmed with a newborn, you are definitely not 'enjoying the cuddles'. Especially if you've posted on here asking for help. 'Enjoy the cuddles' just makes you think should be enjoying them, then in turn that makes you feel like you're a bad mum because you're not.

On the back of this I do think its important to talk about how its ok not to love the newborn phase, when social media tells you that it should be the most perfect phase of your life. I think this expectation/reality gap isnt helpful, and causes a fair bit of damage.

Im not sure of the point of this post. Its just something I feel strongly about I think, and I think if it was spoken about a bit more it might alleviate these feelings a bit.

OMFG yes. DD had silent reflux and had to be held up for at least an hour after every feed. I just wanted to be able to put her the fuck down.

A friend has recently had a dream baby. We were out for lunch, she fed the baby and then just lay her down in the pram. My jaw dropped.

Having had two very different newborn experiences, I kind of get it. Dc1 was the standard velcro baby; incessant breastfeeding, crying, non-sleeping, relentless little fuss pot. I genuinely didn't understand how people could say "enjoy the cuddles" or "sleep when the baby sleeps" when I never stopped holding him and he never slept. Then I had dc2 and wow! Some babies do sleep and only feed every 3-4 hours and spend most of the day snoozing peacefully in their moses basket. With him, I really did enjoy the cuddles because a lot of the time I wasn't cuddling him - he was asleep! I think if people have only ever had babies like dc2 they just don't get it. They think a crying phase here and there isn't so bad, the odd bad night will pass, all safe in the knowledge that their baby is typically pretty easygoing. They don't understand how utterly relentless it is to have a baby who never gives you a break. I'm so glad I had my two in the order I did: if I thought all babies were like dc2 I think I'd have had a nervous breakdown with the second!

Agree, didn't always enjoy the cuddles much, I just wanted to be able eat, shower, put laundry on etc. Such a shock to life, got pnd after both.

I agree OP, and "you wait you'll miss this when they get older", My first 3 months after I had DD (many years ago), was hell. She cluster feed..I think she set a record at 3 hours one day...she didn't sleep for any longer than 2, maybe 3, hours at at time day or night and she would scream the house down due to acid reflux. I don't miss that time at all, she was a delight from around 7 months with no "terrible two's" drama whatsoever. That's the time I miss.

The newborn stage is awful. My littlest is six months and yes I would love to 'sit on the couch with a box-set and enjoy the cuddles' but I also have a three year old and a four year old and really, not enough hours in the bloody day.

Obviously it was my choice to have a load of kids quite close together and I mostly love it, but on the days when I don't the usual advice trotted out on here is worse than useless.

I agree, I loved DS of course, but I had PND and I felt like a failure plus was miserable when everyone around me that had recently had babies seemed to be on top of the world. I feel guilty when I look back and remember that not every second was happy and full of cuddles. If only it had been that simple

Agree. My daughter hit 3 weeks and then started crying most of the day until she was 8 weeks. There was absolutely nothing fun about it and she didn't want cuddles. She wanted to scream. Urgh one of the most stressful times of my life.

Agree 100%.

Anyway I much prefer cuddles with ds now he’s 13yrs old and bigger than me than I did when he was a sweaty, fractious baby. In fact I feel privileged to get them

My first baby had dreadful silent reflux, screamed constantly, didn't sleep and half drove me insane. My second was much more content. Still a refluxer but no where near as severe and even then I found the first few months rough.

Some people have peaceful babies and I'm sure they do enjoy the cuddles. However now mine are 4 and 2 and I categorically say I really do enjoy the cuddles that they willingly give. Give me young children over tiny babies any day! I love them getting older. The baby days were something I had to endure in order to get my lovely children.

And don't any of you parents of older children tell me 'just you wait' until they're teenagers. I know teenagers are rotten I'm just going to enjoy them for a while whilst they're still nice. Please and thanks

I agree! I wanted to sob when I read things like that because it made me feel worse for not enjoying the cuddles. My daughter wouldn't sleep anywhere but on me, and wouldn't be put down while awake for even a second without screaming, for months on end. It was endured, not enjoyed.

Enjoy the cuddles is only ever relevant for a sleeping baby. In which case the parent probably wouldn’t be asking for advice anyway.

Or, in response to the question “should I enjoy the cuddles or get up to stick another load of washing on?” It’s a good reminder that it’s ok to sit on your arse for a while and not feel guilty.

Good grief. I think all the people complaining about someone wishing another person well (which is essentially what “enjoy the cuddles” is) really need to gain some perspective. Maybe spare a thought for the mums who spend weeks or months on end in NICU, sometimes unable to hold their baby for a prolonged period of time. Not to mention the mums that don’t get to take their baby home at the end of it.

I was that mum, and I remember vividly just wanting to be at home with my baby holding them, whether they were sleeping or screaming or feeding - All of which are part of the “normal” newborn experience!

And yes, I know the normal experience can be hard too (I’ve been there as well), but really, if you think you’ve got it so tough that you are bitter about someone wishing you well, then maybe spare a thought for those who have it worse and count yourself lucky.

I can't remember the cuddles and not convinced I was enjoying them. Agree that those early weeks are gruelling and not something you can relax into or enjoy. I was in edge, hyper vigilant, in pain.

@happygowergirl - my heart goes out to you, that sounds heart breaking.

However, in the kindest possible way, we're not talking about parents that are in the position you were in.

Sorry it posted too soon. Having a baby in NICU is an entirely different ball game, and im sure theres equally crap 'advice' that you were given in your situation.

If you read my OP, im talking about the increasing posts on here from mums of newborns who feel they are at rock bottom.

Yep, agree. My newborn screamed every time I sat down with her in my arms and kept screaming until I walked around rocking her until she was 4 months old. So there were very few peaceful newborn 'cuddles' at my end lol.

I also hate when people say 'dont bother with the housework'. Assuming they're the lucky ones with a doting mum to do all their chores, otherwise who wants to wear dirty clothes and look after a screaming newborn in a messy grubby house? Keeping the place tidy and clean helped me to keep some kind of mental order.

Sure @Letsallscreamatthesistene, people did give me lots of crappy advice, but even in my state of despair and fear and exhaustion I knew it was well-intended... And it’s really the intention that matters.

I remember when my first was about a week old and I was miserable as sin. He wouldn't sleep and I was exhausted. My friend, a seasoned mum said not to worry it would all be better by 3 months . She may as well have just said 5 years. I cried my eyes out. I just think you need someone to acknowledge that its shit at the moment and offer help (and mean it).

At my very worst I definitely didnt have the mental power to be that rational.

One of my intentions of this post was to get people talking about how its ok to not enjoy the newborn stage, which it has done. I feel really strongly that it needs to be talked about more, because it might make someone feel better when they're feeling alone and like they're not cut out to be a parent. Being told 'get some perspective' isnt at all helpful, and achieves the opposite.

I think we're talking about two very different situations, and this thread wasnt meant to belittle your experience at all.

Completely agree @Letsallscreamatthesistene

Having a newborn is hard, and shit for a lot of new mums! There were times with both of my very longed for babies that I just cried and asked what I'd done. All of the 'enjoy the cuddles' type of comments made it so much worse with my first because I felt like a failure for not enjoying the screaming, refluxy, sleepless nightmare I was trapped in... with my 2nd I'm a lot more confident and able to say 'oh my god this is shit' without feeling as bad. It is pretty shit at times.

New mums (and seasoned mums) need the message to be that it's ok to struggle, we've all been there.

Well said @Letsallscreamatthesistene

I had my dc before MN was born, but remember to this day how difficult I found the first few weeks / months.
What it must be like now for folk who can't have their Mum / friend / sister pop round to help for a couple of hours, I can't imagine.

There wasn't much "cuddle enjoying" happened in my house at that time. It was a real struggle.

However - if I might be allowed to say? - it get better and better - including, indeed, especially when they are teens and is also wonderful now they are young adults. You won't get any "just wait until....." posts from me

Thank you for saying this. My first DS is 19 months and my second is 8 weeks and I’m honestly just mentally and emotionally drained. DS1 was hell until he was 5 months old and had a whole host of issues that went on for weeks at the beginning, thankfully all rectifiable (tongue tie, oral thrush, reflux among others...) but as they all fell together at the beginning and my own recovery after a difficult birth was so tough, I was just wrung out and made to feel guilty for not loving every minute. I kept getting told the second one would be easier, but that’s not my experience at all - unless he’s asleep or feeding, he cries 95% of the time and nothing settles him and he won’t be put down day or night for longer than a couple of minutes before he’s screaming. This, combined with a toddler who I feel like I’m constantly neglecting as the baby is so demanding, a house that is never clean and worrying about money because of what’s happening mean I’m the most stressed and exhausted I’ve ever felt so I don’t appreciate being told that I should enjoy every second because it goes so fast. I’m well aware of that, but it doesn’t help me when I’ve listened to screaming for upwards of 6 hours a day.

I do remember bumping into the community midwife at the docs for 6 week check for DS1 and she asked me if I was enjoying being a Mum. I was aghast and thought Jesus am I supposed to be enjoying this.
I had no idea it would be so hard and I was very honest with my friends who hadn’t had kids yet so they would be better prepared than me. Let others ‘enjoy the cuddles’ while you rest.

God yeah. And totally agree, they're not cuddles. They're a baby squirming in your arms, generally trying to find food, and then falling asleep leaving you trapped where you are and unable to go to the loo/get a cup of tea.

I thought my baby just didn’t ‘do’ cuddles, so reading this (which if you add screaming, crying and pulling my hair into the mix totally sums up my experience) has made me feel a lot more normal, thank you.

Newborn cuddles aren't cuddles! They are just using you as a bed. Constantly.

I enjoy cuddles much more now that DS is 19mo and actually reciprocates.

I also hate 'just you wait'. DS has got easier all the time as he gets older. Someone said 'at least he can't answer back, like my teenager'. He can, and he does! Usually by crying.