Life story talk guidance

[Gertruude]

Hi all

One of our LO's is talking very regularly about BF and asking when they can see BM and why she can't see her. I always empathise and gently explain that BM couldn't keep them safe, judge decided they couldn't live there and needed new forever family (basically talking through the life story boom structure we've been given). But I don't know if the things I'm saying are helpful or not as I'm obviously just going by my gut instinct but it's all such heavy stuff for a 4 year old. In trying to build LOs self esteem I feel like I'm being so empathetic to the BM that my LO could be left feeling sorry & worried for her and I feel like this could be just as damaging. I've no idea really!

I'm wondering if any of you would recommend any particular books, courses or resources which may be useful for me in terms of giving me the confidence of what to say / what not to?

I've seen a few books on amazon but unsure as some seem more aimed at practitioners (perhaps this could still be useful?).

Anyway, long story short any advice or guidance would be massively appreciated!

TIA

I'm not a big reader but your adoption agency may run some post adoption courses on talking about adoption.

Our ds came to us at 3 and is now 9. Last year he talked a bit about seeing birth family. We took advice from the post adoption support who said it would not be wise for him to try and see the birth family at this time. I just said he could when he was older. I'd take advice on your situation if I were you.

He hasn't asked about them for a while now. He seems very happy and more balanced.

Hi I'm not sure how old your little one is but there is a beautiful book only recently released called Blanket Bears. It's more about the journey from foster care to their forever family. It's beautifully illustrated and was written by an adoptive Dad who struggled to find a suitable book. It may help in some way. Take care

Here's the cover

Sorry won't let me upload the pic.

Thanks guys.

@swizzlestix, thanks. Have just purchased the bears book.

@Italiangreyhound thanks for suggestion, we've asked but been told we need to go to local borough now who've never even heard of our kids. I am waiting to be put in touch with the relevant person but no one is very forthcoming at the moment. Will keep trying tho!

Good luck.

This one may be helpful - available to buy on eBay

I thought ‘Nutmeg gets adopted’ was a nice book, it comes with some guidance for reading it with the children. It goes through life from birth family to foster care and then onto adoption. We bought it for our niece and nephew, so they could understand why they suddenly had two new cousins. I found it sensitive but very straightforward in the way it approached the subject (nest had holes, enough food wasn’t collected (Nutmeg is a Squirrel)).

We’re you honestly told to tell a four year old their bf couldn’t keep them safe? Is that standard procedure?

I'm not a social worker or an expert, just an adoptive parent, but yes, I would say age appropriate sharing of elements of the life story as early as it feels right for your child. Every child is so different. I wish I'd tackled the topics with my son earlier

@ClArabelle67 yes I would tell a 4 year old their birth family couldnt keep them safe - what would you tell them?

Life story work is a progression, you don't need to go into specifics at 4.
You dont tell a 4 year old mummy and daddy were alcoholics/ addicts/beat 7 bells out of each other/ mentally unwell but yes mummy and daddy couldnt look after you properly keep you warm, fed, didnt give you cuddles so you werent safe.

My children's favourite at the age of 5 was "My new family" by Pat Thomas. It helped them to understand adoption.

I would also tell your 4 year old that his/her birth parents could not keep them safe. My children knew MUCH more than that at that age. One of them had conscious memories anyway. Both are much older now and are coping well with an incredibly complex background.

You could have a look at Renee Wolfs's "Adoption Conversations". It includes lots of model conversations for different age groups and scenarios.

We’re you honestly told to tell a four year old their bf couldn’t keep them safe? Is that standard procedure?

What would you tell them? I honestly think if they ask, they deserve an open and honest answer in an age appropriate, progressive way - what would you suggest otherwise?

@ to a four year old? I’d probably use the sort of examples @Ted27 mentioned (food, warmth, etc) rather than actually saying ‘they couldn’t keep you safe’.

@ClArabelle67 but I did also say that these were the reasons they couldnt keep you safe, and I would say that to a child

To our 5 year old we are as honest as age appropriate, they couldn’t keep you safe. They didn’t know how to be safe mummies/daddies etc

@ClArabelle67 ‘bf couldn’t keep you safe’ is a fairly standard phrase in narrative work. I usually say “ you grew in x’s tummy and you lived with her for a while but she was not able to keep you safe. It is a mummy/daddy’s job to keep children safe by feeding them, keeping them warm, giving them cuddles, helping them get enough sleep etc and x did not know how to do this.”

I think couldn't keep you safe is pretty accurate. Couldn't put your needs first might be another.

Safe means a lot of things. It's not safe not to be fed properly.

I think our children need and deserve the truth in age appropriate language; otherwise what reason do they have for being parented by us instead of birth family?

What’s your issue with @they couldn’t keep you safe”? It’s the truth and explains why they are with you and stops the child blaming themselves for being removed. I also talk to my kids about all the things involved in being a mum and explain their birth mum wasn’t able to do all the things they needed and how it’s an important job to be a mum. There’s no one size fits all but polishing the truth isn’t helpful.

I don’t have an issue with ‘they’. I was simply asking a question, and a number of you have helpfully explored the topic and given concrete examples of what you say in order to develop your children’s understanding of wellbeing. I wasn’t attacking anyone.

@ClArabelle67 I know you were not attacking and were asking a question. I think from a previous post you are a birth grandparent rather than an adopter which probably led to your confusion. It is a generally used term for explaining adoption to young children. I can see from birth family perspective it may seem harsh! Whilst my children’s birth mum could not keep my children safe I do not hold her responsible for this. Social services let her down as a child when she was not kept safe by her parents and she really did not stand a chance at parenting. For others mental health is just too big a hurdle to over come. Whilst it may seem a harsh term it is the truth. In time I will help my children explore what it means for them. I will help them to understand as they grow through life their birth mothers life and the experiences that led to her not being able to keep them safe but for now all they can understand is that their birth mum could not keep them safe.

Be blunt. Tell her she’s not going to see her birth parents. End of. No question.

It’s then about reassuring her that although she was loved she couldn’t be kept safe and many people decided it was best she found a forever family. I would keep going over her life story book. She’s 4 so they need repetition.

I had the same with my son especially when we adopted our second. He started thinking he would see his birth parents. I was very clear that this would not happen

I got the impression that @ClArabelle67 didn't think it was harsh, more that more information was going to be required than a generic statement?

IME, most children 4+ would respond with "why?" and "how?" in relation to any generic statement such "couldn't look after you/couldn't keep you safe" and so I think more accurate info, age appropriate, and a child who is secure will carry on asking questions for years to come as they grow and process what they know and want to know more.

I also think that there are 2 questions here, and the more information point and likely years of questions applies to both - ie

• why the child is not living with the birth family; and
• why there the child cannot see the bio parents, which is what the OP's dc has asked here.

I think it would be really unwise to simply say "you aren't going to see them" end of as it may shut down conversation, but it won't shut down their internal questions, or at least, if it does it won't be a healthy shut down. A child is likely to understand that they could not live with bio parents who could not care for them where specific examples are given, but might not logically accept the same reasons in relation to not having any contact at all. I think you need to make sure the conversation stays open and that the child can question and the answers need to be more than just "because that is how adoption is done" or generic statements or books. I would also have reference to decent research and guidance when considering what to say to children about why it won't happen, such as the UEA research/guidance/info about post adoption contact.

@sassygromit but the fact is they’re not going to see the birth parents. It’s a possibility when they’re 18+, but until then it’s a no. There Really is no point in being anything other than honest. They have a forever family. That is their reality.

With my son I’ve always been factual. The facts are you’re not seeing your birth parents!!! You have a mummy and daddy and your birth parents loved you but can’t look after you. I’ve said that if he wants to find them when he’s older I’d help, but he may not like what he finds.