MIL always telling me to put my baby down and i hold her too much. unsolicited advice?

[alesha123445]

hi everyone, im new here. I wasnt sure what thread to put this in so hope this is right.

My baby is 12 weeks, shes always loved being held and being close to me. If shes really tierd i can manage to put her down, she will also play on her mat, go in the rocker and sometimes just chill in her bassinet. Although she loves being held its not like she has to be held 24.7, me and my partner do cosleep with her but i love it and we make it so its safer for her.

I dont feel like its a massive issue but MIL always tells me that i should put her down in her crib to get her used to being on her own and sleeping in there, if i send her a picture of her in the sling ill always get the same comments. If she cries to be held ill get "shes too spoilt" or "put her down to get her used to a routine" as if we havnt got a routine? The comments are really starting to annoy me, why is she so bothered if my baby wants to be close to me and that i hold her? She always secound guesses my choices such as when i put her in the next size of clothes and nappies, she questions why i dont give her water, suggests that i should give her bottles to get her used to them when shes only ever breastfed. She suggets giveing her a dummy if shes haveing a day where shes iritated, yet she knows i dont want to start on dummys but she still tells stories about all the people she knows who do.

Due to lockdown she cant hold her, is she worried she will be too attached to me? she never had a proper issue with me holding her a lot before. Why does she say these things, it makes me feel like she doesnt trust in me as a parent. She makes atleast one of these comments every single time i see her (we stay 2 metres apart in the garden). I feel like i have to explain my parenting chooces to her.
Why does she care so much?

I would be telling her to fuck right off.

Stop sending her pictures
Reply to everything with either "I'll bear that in mind" or "mind your own fucking business". The choice depends on how much you don't want to scorch the relationship!

You are mum, you are boss. I'll do it my way thanks was my mantra

Just tell her that you view parenting differently so thanks for the advice but no thanks.

Better yet, let your partner tell his mum that.

Tell her to bog off. It's very dangerous to feed water to a baby.

You CANNOT spoil a baby by holding them too much. They want to be close to you. I held my baby loads during my 9 months maternity leave. She had most of her naps in my arms or in a sling. I was too scared to co sleep at first but she co slept from 4 months. When she started nursery 4 days a week from 9 months, she adjusted to her new routines. My main parenting role is: never say no when your child wants to be close to you.

Thanks but I am happy with my choices.

The older generation love to think their way of doing things was the right/best/only way. Of course you aren’t holding her too much. Why on earth does a 12 week old need to ‘get used to being on their own’?!

You need to have a stash of stock responses to her ‘suggestions’. Things like ‘thanks but our way is working fine for now’, ‘we are happy with our situation’, that sort of thing.

FWIW, I have a six month old (my second child) and she is breastfed, hasn’t had a dummy or bottle, we cosleep and 90% of her naps so far have been on me/in the sling or in my husband’s arms.

You know you are making the right decision for you and your baby. Don’t give her suggestions any head space at all.

Has she always been interfering?

Oh wow, MIL's can be a nightmare.

Mine used to make a lot of comments regarding how I did things with my Daughter when she was first born as well. Nothing quite like what you are experiencing, but I know how it can make you feel like you're a sh*t parent and how it makes you feel uncomfortable being around them with the child.

Is if her first Grandchild? I think the first Grandchild tends to send them a bit loopy.

I can't quite work out why she would be doing this, but it's not right and it can really ruin your experience with your child. I would ask your partner to have a word with her and say it makes you feel like crap when she constantly gives you advice and questions your parenting. If she doesn't stop, I would send her a message yourself and explain how it makes you feel.

My mother in law tried things like that. I flipped one night and said 'my baby. My way'.

Tell your MIL to politely f off.

Ds2 was a very poorly baby, under a paediatrician poorly, he practically lived on me, slept on me in the day etc until he was 1 year old. Then we co-slept until he dropped his naps. I used a sling a lot, stopped using that when he was over 2 when we went out.

He is now 14 years old and not attached to me

Do what works for you, she clearly did what worked for her. Your partner needs to tell her to back off with the comments. It is all negative, negative.

Don’t tell her to fuck off or any other engagement.

Just ignore. Literally the most important parenting skill: ignore the crap.

I agree with the above, your baby means your decisions. She should respect that. If you want to hold your baby it goes without saying you can. You may have to tell her (or your partner) that the constant criticism is getting you down, it's hard enough!!

Stop giving her so much info..
My mil never had my mobile number at all!
Made for a much less stressful life!!
Or remind her you waited 9 months to hold her so why shouldn't you ?

My MIL has been like this too (albeit well intentioned). I spoke to DH (with a small amount of hormonal crying) and he spoke to her and told her to back off.

She has just done that, and anytime she responds with a bit of “helpful advice” I just don’t message her with a photo next time. She’s now learnt to respond positively and she will be rewarded with more pictures. Like training a dog.

You sound like you’re doing a wonderful job. Babies cannot be spoilt, it indicates they’re somehow capable of manipulative behaviour which is just ludicrous.

It sounds like she’s basing it on the way she parented. We all have to find our own way to do things. Smile, nod, ignore. It’s not (simply) a case of ‘changing advice’, it’s also different approaches to parenting. My mother got these kind of comments in the 1970s and I’m sure there’ll be mothers getting them 50 years from now.

My sister in law did this to me. I really, really wish now that I'd told her to fuck off. It was my first baby, I was in a country with none of my family around and felt extremely vulnerable so just couldn't. But it's ruined my relationship with her. I think if I'd just told her straight out early on to stop making negative comments about my parenting choices- and had she stopped- that I wouldn't hate her so much now.

“Oh do fuck off” is the response you need.

But you shouldn’t be meeting her the garden, so don’t, then she can’t say it.

When my DD was little my mum told me I kissed and cuddled her too much. My mother was not the most affectionate person.
I don't believe you can ever kiss or cuddle a child too much.
She is YOUR baby - you decide what goes. Enjoy every precious moment - they get big so quick. ( My DD is now 18, the excessive cuddling didn't do her any harm.)

My mother was the worst for this. Get him used to being put down, give him water, get him into a four hour routine. On and on and on, still has the odd dig 11 months on.

It really made me feel like shit, when he was small it made me feel like I didn't know what I was doing as she'd had two children so must know better.

You're doing a great job. I asked my health visitor and she said so many mum's are told this. Keep doing what you're doing. I just told my mother that the health visitor said keep doing exactly what I'm doing.

Sounds just like my MIL. Don't waste your emotional energy on this OP! Just keep replying, in as patronising a way as you can, something like "oh, that's not how anybody does it any more". Don't vary the message, just keep saying the same thing every time.

And reduce the number of pics you send if she isn't saying anything positive about them.

Your mum came from a different time where that was the common belief and advice. It was very anti-child back then.

We understand differently now that you can't spoil a baby, especially a newborn. Giving children live and affection isn't a bad thing but it was seen as that way some years ago.

So she's just giving you advice that she thinks is right because it was the advice she was given years ago.

If i were you I'd explain that times have changed, that is no longer the case anymore l, that the advice is different, and you'll just do it your way because that's what you feel is right.

If she doesn't like it tough shit.

Unfortunately you just have to grin and bear it. MIL's will always think they know best....after all they've already had children and think they know best. Is it really worth souring your relationship over? You'll need her more than you think one day.

Seriously.....pick your battles. There are much bigger things to be stressing about.

My MiL was the same except she didn't ever voice things, she just looked, tutted, or pulled a cat's arse face.

I should add that my MIL was extremely annoying when I was pregnant and after I had my baby. Constant comments about what I should wear, comments about the pram I had chosen, etc, etc, It was a case of smile nicely and get on with parenting your child. As it happened she became an absolutely invaluable tower of strength and help to me as my son grew. The comments and unsolicited advice eventually stopped and she realised that I was more than capable of looking after my own child.

Tell her to fuck off cannot believe anyone would say you're holding your own baby too much, good grief, ignore the woman! Enjoy this time with your baby, they are a joy to cuddle at this age, I wish my DD would sit still long enough now!