MIL always telling me to put my baby down and i hold her too much. unsolicited advice?

[alesha123445]

hi everyone, im new here. I wasnt sure what thread to put this in so hope this is right.

My baby is 12 weeks, shes always loved being held and being close to me. If shes really tierd i can manage to put her down, she will also play on her mat, go in the rocker and sometimes just chill in her bassinet. Although she loves being held its not like she has to be held 24.7, me and my partner do cosleep with her but i love it and we make it so its safer for her.

I dont feel like its a massive issue but MIL always tells me that i should put her down in her crib to get her used to being on her own and sleeping in there, if i send her a picture of her in the sling ill always get the same comments. If she cries to be held ill get "shes too spoilt" or "put her down to get her used to a routine" as if we havnt got a routine? The comments are really starting to annoy me, why is she so bothered if my baby wants to be close to me and that i hold her? She always secound guesses my choices such as when i put her in the next size of clothes and nappies, she questions why i dont give her water, suggests that i should give her bottles to get her used to them when shes only ever breastfed. She suggets giveing her a dummy if shes haveing a day where shes iritated, yet she knows i dont want to start on dummys but she still tells stories about all the people she knows who do.

Due to lockdown she cant hold her, is she worried she will be too attached to me? she never had a proper issue with me holding her a lot before. Why does she say these things, it makes me feel like she doesnt trust in me as a parent. She makes atleast one of these comments every single time i see her (we stay 2 metres apart in the garden). I feel like i have to explain my parenting chooces to her.
Why does she care so much?

I am quite surprised really that a MIL now is saying this. My DM made all these comments to me when my DC were birn in the 80s and 90s.

Is your MIL very old? Surely if she was a young mum in the 80s she would be saying the exact opposite?

You cannot spoil a baby. Stop sending her pictures, she can stop being involved if she’s going to be like this. She will try to control everything you do in your child’s life if you don’t put your foot down

Smile and nod if you don’t want to damage the relationship.

My mum started with the same when DD was 2 weeks old. She said I shouldn’t rush to pick her up if she was crying. When I ignored mum and picked DD up anyway, she said I was getting into bad habits. TWO WEEKS OLD!!

Just message back OK and leave it at that and like others have said stop sending pics. Good luck

That’s why I said it’s not just a ‘times change’ thing Poorlyweasels. There are mothers now who use She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named’s routines as a parenting bible and there were mothers in the 60s who did attachment parenting.

Like op have said she’s only telling you what she was told.
Spoiling them by picking them up too much. Etc.
My mil and mum were the same ( you should hear some of their advice)
Only you know if it’s because she thinks she’s helping, or she is being a bitch.
Just ignore her.

Stop going to visit - that would be a good start.

When my son and his partner were expecting a baby the local hospital put on a grand parents evening which was fabulous. It was more or less in your day , this was what the guidance said now it’s this . An example was when my son was born the guidance was put baby’s on their tummies to sleep that had obviously completely changed. I had already promised myself I would not give any advice unless asked for it and I wouldn’t have contradicted them anyway but the evening at the hospital was an evening really well done. I did manage to keep my promise but there were a lot of aha’s and ok that’s sounds nice, so you don’t believe in bedtimes at all even when the child is older aha, no telling them off ever aha only ever going to say positive things oh that sounds nice while actually thinking good luck with all of those but that child was my grandson not my son and I had already had my go at doing things my way . We all got an famously, they did ask for my advice and wouldn’t you know it my grandson has had a bedtime since he was about 6 months old . They changed that rule fairly quickly

The one thing I learned from babies is there is no one way or answer for any of it.

Everytime I thought I had it all sussed ...be it sleeps, feeds, naps, play etc then my kids would change and I would have to adapt. Or one would get sick and a long fought for routine would go right out the window! But that is MY experience and others will probably come in here and say exactly the opposite. There is always someone with the counter argument and you will go mad if you listen to it all. There is just no right way. How can anyone confidently say there is one way and one way only? Even official advice is ever changing! This really annoys me.

I used to get it out and about as well. Someone told me not to get the baby out the pram when crying, someone told me to put a bit of brandy in the nighttime bottle for a good night's sleep (!!). And so and and so on.

My two kids were like chalk and cheese in pregnancy, labour and everything else. One practically lived on me for the first few years, the other wanted her own space. So many other examples I could list.

It sounds like her comments and advice are affecting your confidence. Your MIL had her turn and her way. This is your time. Be confident in your own ways...even.if they don't appear to be working it will be because you baby is changing not because you got it wrong.

I wouldn't tell her to fuck off. I would just withdraw and share less information when she starts telling you what to do. Or just think of some assertive responses such as..'Thanks but I do it this way' or even, 'I don't want to do that'. The line needs to be drawn that you are the parent not her! Whatever you feel is best.

The main thing is that you and your baby enjoy this time...it is so so precious although sometimes you don't see that because it is so full on.

night time sleeping, unless you want baby in bed with you when they're 10. Might be nice for baby sleep in cot next to your bed and gradually move cot away. Easier to do this when they are young.. Beside you and hubby might want to have sex at 3.14am and you baby would have to be put the bed then

Smile and nod and keep doing what you think is best for you and your baby.
You don't need to respond or engage above a polite acknowledgement. If pressed by well meaning older relatives I would just say that the advice on that has changed since they had babies.
She's a bit over invested but a loving granny is a good thing long term.
Be firm, it's your time to be in charge and look after your baby your own way.
Enjoy the fact that lockdown is keeping her a little at a distance and don't share too much information if you don't want to invite comment.

My mil is exactly the same op, try to ignore her or just politely say thanks but you're doing it the way you feel comfortable. I get flack for breastfeeding, having him in our room at 5 months, not weaning him yet, holding him too much etc. I have repeatedly told her that with things like weaning and sleeping we're simply following the guidelines and with the other stuff I just tell her it's what we feel is best.

Of course you could always say that according to the covid guidelines, you shouldn't be mixing households, 2 metres apart or not (which is true) then she wouldn't be able to come round! Good luck! Xx

Babies are supposed to be held and cuddled! You're happy, your baby is happy. Stuff your MIL.

You can always say, "Thanks, I'll think about it". (You do not have to think about it.) Or, "Thanks for the suggestion." (That you will not be paying attention to.)

FWIW my daughter spent her first 9 months, practically, in the sling. She can be put down for naps just fine, she sleeps the first part of the night in her room then comes into our bed for Post Midnight Boob Party Hijinks, which I'm fine with. They change all the time - what you do at 12 weeks has no bearing on what they'll do at 12 months, other than know you love them.

Most of my baby’s naps were on me/her dad. For the first two weeks of her life the only time she was put down was at night!

She’s now one and sleeps for ten hours straight in her own room. Cuddle the baby while you can and stop engaging with MIL.

Instead why not tell her your dc is in the pram in the garden while you get the housework done..
Bet you can't win.
Then remind her back in the day..