Children making me ill.

[GettingUntrapped]

Further to the thread on how horrendous many are finding the combination of wfh with young children, I would like to add to it by saying that being the only adult in the house for lockdown is breaking me. I'm not working, am freelance and taking a break as not possible to work.
It's still shit though.
Kids are so different from adults, and are often selfish, cruel, argumentative and self obsessed. It's normal for them, they are developing.
What isn't normal is an adult spending so much time with children. I find it torturous.
I have two and I feel stifled, angry and irritable inside. They are relentless with demands, requests, need for food, breaking up their fights. Absolutely horrible.
They say it takes a village. There is a reason for that. Human kids are hard work, so hard it can break you.
I feel like we aren't allowed to say this. It shocks people and you will likely get labelled a bad parent, when it is just too hard anyway.

I'm with you on that. Children are totally exhausting to be with 24/7. My two fight really bad, argue constantly and my youngest is always hungry. Add to that my work and their school work and I've had enough.

Totally get you and I'm not living alone, DH is wfh whilst I'm furloughed but having two young kids (one with ASD so being trapped and away from routine is creating daily battlegrounds) is driving me round the bend. Every single little thing is a drama or an over the top reaction, it's so draining.
I love them to bits but I really need a break, found myself googling spa breaks yesterday just daydreaming about peace!!

This is what being a SAHM must be like. I wonder how many parents will put the idea of another child on permanent hold?

How old are they OP? Yes it's bloody hard whatever the age.

Watching them while they sleep has a calming hypnotic effect for me.

I am expecting someone along soon to say I chose to have kids, and must have known what it would be like.
You can't really choose, when so much gaslighting goes on with regards to the reality of parenthood, motherhood in particular.

They are eight and 13, so not little kids. Silll very hard.

Well done for making it this far. You have my sympathy this is a big adjustment and it is okay not to enjoy your kids fighting.

All the things you point out that are annoying you (the selfishness etc) remember they do mature and move away from these behaviours as they get older (that doesn't help you now though hey!) Their little worlds have been rocked by the changes and I think that does draw out some unpleasant behaviours.

In practical terms I'd suggest you make sure you go out with them for a walk every day just to break up the day and get fresh air. Get them working in separate rooms if they can't be left alone. Use rewards/ praise etc when they are exhibiting the behaviour you like. Put them to work, get them doing chores, at least then you can be annoyed but with a bit less housework to do. Make time for YOU. Have a bath when they are in bed, hide some nice chocolate, pour a massive glass of wine. Get on the phone and rant to family.

Yes it is okay to feel how you are feeling, but don't get too lost in it, reflect on what you are achieving with them.

As mentioned in the other thread about wfh and little kids, it's all invisible as women mostly conveniently take care of it.

I detest people reacting with shock or irritability, when people find the courage to say how bad it feels sometimes.

And it is, and should just be sometimes, when times are average.

I was alone with my two for a long time and it broke me regularly, because I was isolated and at the mercy of severe chronic illnesses affecting mobility.

I don't know how I would be managing right now if I was still in this situation.

My kids and myself all have SEND, we are all ASD & ADHD.

OP, you're doing better than you will give yourself credit for. And you will come out the other side of this. Please don't feel guilty for speaking up. It's the right thing to do.

I've got to be honest - I love having my kids around. I miss them when they're at school yes OK sometimes it's tiring and sometimes I enjoy the break when they're not here but I don't understand feeling constantly irked and harassed by them. But my little family is my whole life. I'd pick staying at home with them over going out. Not into 'hobbies' or 'me time' don't drink. I just never craved an 'independent' life outside of them. My DH is the same. Everyone's different though. I'm not judging.

The current situation is exacerbating and heightening the intensity of parenting in fairness. You'll no doubt feel just a bit differently when the lockdown is eased.

They are hard work. BUT the more time you spend with them, the more they are content and consequently need less of your time (unless they are tiny of course, when they need you 24/7) And the more fresh air and exercise you can all get (for your own wellbeing too) the more they will sleep. They're like Labrador puppies!

Brownyblonde - not a very helpful comment

You sound pretty normal to me.

Just think if you had a friend, partner or adult relative behave like your children did, you'd cut them out of your life wouldn't you?

Imagine if you arranged to go out for the day with a friend and your friend refused to put her shoes on so you had to beg and plead with her to do it!

Imagine if you went out with your partner to a restaurant and he dipped his hands in ketchup and smeared it everywhere

These are very tough times...it's not normal or natural for one woman in total isolation to look after children...and only an absolute saint would be able to do so in the manner of Mary poppins.

Yes, it's the lockdown getting to me. I wake up feeling fine, but by the afternoon, I'm super stressed and irritable.

Thank you, former babe!
But nobody says it much, because people want to believe in the fairytale that women's are happiest when the are mothers.

Brownyblond, everyone's different and that includes the children. I have one with ASD/ADHD and it is incredibly difficult for the whole family to be with him day in and day out, torturous in fact and we are a family with a lot of resources, financial and otherwise, and support. I dread to think the state we would be in otherwise.

It is an incredibly unhealthy situation for so many people... and particularly women as other threads today are attesting.

GettingUntrapped, can you lower your standards in terms of what you are expecting of yourself? Can you do some things for yourself that together would all add up to lifting you up a bit? Things that are helping me: baths, afternoon naps, Readly subscription (lots of free subscriptions around for all sorts of sites). Definitely get out as much as you can.

It's a nightmare for so many of us, it really is....

You’re not wrong, it’s damn hard. I’ve been in tears quite a few times lately due to the sheer unrelenting grind of it all. I have three under eight and I’m sick of the constant feeding, clearing, refereeing, nagging...you get the picture.

They are quite big aren't they. I have a 10 and 12 and I think the age of yours they are old enough to hear some home truths

Yes it's rubbish not being able to see friends etc
I am working and if I can't focus on my work I could lose my job
If I lose my job then that is a disaster
So you need to sort your acts out
You can make your own food here are the things you can have
If you argue go to your rooms and do something by yourselves for a while I don't want or need to hear it
This is when I have meetings etc I'll be along at this time and this time so any questions request etc save it for them
We need to work together to make this doable

Or have you done that

They are big enough to see the wider consequences

Thank you. Yes, I will make sure I go for a walk by myself in future. That does help. Unfortunately, both kids don't want to go out.

This is what being a SAHM must be like

Absolutely disagree. You can go out, if you are fortunate enough to have family and friends nearby you can meet with them for support etc. That's not to say it's easy being a SAHM as it isn't, and not devaluing it, but having children out of routine, largely trapped indoors, nothing open and during all of the stress is not the same.

That reminds me...I must pop into posts about insomnia so I can talk about how well I sleep.

I'm back on ADs with this by the way, being at home with kids doesn't suit me. I was very ill after I had them for some years till I went back to work FT, then I got better. One week of lockdown I spiralled down so quick.

Everyone is different and SAHP aren't expected to do a FT job at the same time and there is no school or nursery etc etc

Mine are similar ages to yours op...I absolutely insist they have a walk every day...I know it's hard but I would absolutely try to make sure that happens so they can burn off some energy and get some fresh air..maybe turn off the internet until they've been for a morning walk.

Apart from goading his brother, the 13-year old can mostly be left to his own devices. The eight year old is the most annoying. It's hard for them too I know.