When your kids don't resemble you

[Betyourbuttons]

DS doesn't look a thing like me in any way. We are complete opposites in every possible way and tbh this makes me quite sad as I had envisioned having a little boy version of me running around. Sometimes when I look at him this sadness comes back and I feel a little like I'm looking at a stranger. It's not that I love him less or anything, he is my world.

The comments happen more and more nowadays about how he looks nothing like me. This adds salt to the wound that I've been trying to ignore.

Anyone else in a similar situation? How do you feel and how do you deal with these feelings? Do you have other kids who look like you?

My eldest has expressions like mine and my colouring, but looks much more like her dad's side of the family. My son (different father) looks more like me facially. I used to really dislike it with my eldest, but now say it cheerfully. Her personality is more like mine.

Both my DC are far too gorgeous to look like me or dp
Seriously, they look nothing like either of us.
They don't look like each other either apart from eye/hair colour - completely different face shapes, body shape and 'look'.
I would have liked my one of them to resemble me but I think they've hit the jackpot by not.

Mine is the image of her father. Found it v difficult when we split up, as looking at her was like looking at him and he had been an utter knob.
I never looked like either of my parents, to the extent I thought I had been adopted. However, the menopausal, middle aged me look like my elderly father now, which is not great tbh...

Are you a single parent op? I can imagine it being hard, like Roscoe said, to see someone you actively dislike shining out of the face you most in the world.

Kids look nothing like their Dad, it's a good job he trusts me really.

DD is do like her dad,my ex.Despite that she's turning out nicely and the slim legs are a bonus.She has my rubbish eyesight and sense of humour though and her personality is nothing like her dad's.He does seemed to have passed on s bit of Asperger's though(she's a teen,not a priority so we're into 3 years after referral,10 months after assesment).She has masked well and Covid has unfortunately stopped a push on some socialcoping strategies.
Love her all the same and would change nothing.

I'm wondering how old your DS is @Betyourbuttons. Children change so much over the years. My youngest looked very like me when he was tiny (well like me in my toddler photos), but he's the spitting image of his dad now, except for his eye and hair colour. He has a lot of my personality though! At 11, our eldest looks very like me and my siblings, but personality wise is more like his dad.

I think it can be difficult when you keep being told your child doesn't resemble you. It hurts and feels weirdly personal. Especially when it's the in-laws making the remarks which can make you feel pushed out and somehow irrelevant. DP's parents were forever rushing off to find photographic evidence that my eldest resembled them. They stopped when I, very childishly and smugly, showed them a photo of my brother when he was small. They thought it was DS!

Because my parents split up when I was tiny there are people who only know one of my parents. I get told that I look like my Dad by people who only know him and the same re my Mum by people who only know her. People see what they expect to see. Weirdly I look nothing like my Dad but look like his other daughters and his son who are my half siblings yet I also look like my mum.

My children both look like their dad, and very like each other. They have their dad's mousy brown hair and pale skin, their blue eyes probably come from both of us. I don't think they look like me at all, I see resemblances to their paternal grandmother but not really any of my family. Personality-wise my daughter is the spitting image of me though!

Mine don't look anything like me, and like a pp said above, the comments from dh's side about how they're his double and how strong their genes must be etc have been difficult to hear at times but it matters less now than it used to do. As they are growing up they are coming out with a lot of my mannerisms and I love hearing it!

I'm the same op. Neither of my children look anything like me. I'm olive skin, dark hair and eyes. My DCs are fair, blonde/ginger, doubles of their dad (my ex - who was abusive). People constantly remark that my children are nothing like me, some have even asked if I'm sure they're mine (such an original joke 🙄)
It upsets me when people keep saying it. I try so hard to find bits of me in them but never can. I know in the grand scheme it's not a huge deal really but it does leave a very strange feeling!

Exactly my problem @DontTellThemYourNamePike.

I moved abroad and all my family is back home. So it feels a lot more personal when my MIL is constantly finding pictures of how much DS looks like her family and trying to compare him to her kids when they were growing up . It really makes things a lot worse and maybe I am taking it too personally... but damn it drives me crazy.

DS is only 1 but fair skinned, blonde and blue eyes and I'm of a darker complexion and matching eyes etc. He really looks nothing like me. I hope he will at least have some of my personality though

Both kids have their dad’s colouring. He’s a red head and I’m dark with olive skin. I thought I’d have the dominant genes as I was constantly being told the red is a recessive gene. They aren’t red as such, more a red blonde, and they do look like each other which is nice. They are both beautiful, and often get compliments on their big blue eyes.

I was upset when people would comment on how much they are like their dad when they were first born, I was barely out of theatre when the comments started. Also I regret giving them their dad’s surname ( we are not married ). I’m dual nationality and feel like my culture and name has been lost in a daft way.

I may double barrel their names, but they are 4 and 7 so maybe too late, and also they have 2 middle names as it is! All superficial things, but I’d still have loved a brunette like myself!

My two don’t look much like me either, it’s galling. DD1 is the spitting image of her dad, and DD1 is basically a carbon copy of my MIL and SIL, even down to the left handiness. DH’s family have pretty strong genes on both sides, he and his brother look very much like their dad whilst his sister is his mums double. My genes just didn’t stand a chance.

At least DD1 has my personality so that’s something I suppose.

My daughter doesn't resemble me at all, but then she wouldn't as I adopted her. It's funny when people say she looks like me (she really doesn't) but people see what they want to see/say what they think they should say, and mannerisms can fool.

I always knew my daughter wouldn't resemble me, and have never minded at all. She's my daughter and I'm her mum, and that's all that matters here.

When my son was born and my parents came to the hospital, the first thing my mum said was 'oh my god, it's (dh's name) in a baby grow' 😂🙄 Annoyingly, she was right! He has my chin dimple (chinple!) but everything else is his dad. Everyone comments on it. It's OK though because at almost 5 months we're starting to see some of his persona traits are similar to me already, for example he's finding his (very loud) voice and omg does he like to use it 😂

DH’s family (well MIL, and DH to some extent) are obsessed with how much DH (but none of his siblings) looks like MIL and DSD looks looks like DH. They’re always going on about it, and MIL massively favours DSD over DSS (who looks like his mother). It’s irritating, especially as it’s so unfair on poor DSS.

And especially irritating as, if you look past the eye and hair colour, they don’t look identical at all. DSD nose and chin look exactly like her mother’s (and DSS’s). She’s got ears that are very like FIL’s. And DSS is built exactly like a mini-DH. And has very similar eyebrows. It’s annoying that they always focus on (and speak positively about) the similarities in DSD’s appearance and the differences (viewed negatively) in DSS’s.

My DC look a bit like me and a bit like their father. But mostly they look like themselves to me.

All 3 of my kids look like clones of their dad. Constantly awe dont they look like their dad ect. I honestly felt like a clone incubator 😂 I'm not bothered by it as I looked nothing like my family untill I was 15 plenty of time yet.

I have three sons that are the image of dh and clones of each other. Zero of me in them physically, not even expressions/mannerisms.

It’s like having four of the same person, all at different life stages...I have the adult, pre-teen, child and toddler version.

MIL loves to rub it in and it gets commented on all the time.

I find interesting how 'traits' skip about over wider generations, myself.

I saw the Mediterranean olive skin of many Cornish in my gran, her daughter (my mum), my brother and one of my DSs. I see my DH's Australian Germanic roots in my other DS. Tho not in my DH!

Personally, unless I'd had a difficult situation genetically occurring, when I'd've had to have revised my opinion, I think signs that the genetic pool is an ocean, encouraging.

Before I'm asked, I mean issues that were more difficult 70-80 years ago when DC5 from a rural Devon farming family evidently had black genes somewhere along the line. My (now RIP) mother told me. Rumour abounded.

However, mum, in summer, could have been a Northern Spaniard, so mahogany was her skin! Along with many Cornish classmates! As could my DS1.

I have two DS' and everyone comments that DS1 is a mini DH. I see a resemblance but don't think they're all that similar, but I don't think he is like me either! DS2 is definitely like me, and looks nothing like DH, although some people say the two DS' look similar (they really don't - completely different features).

I have blue eyes and DH and both DS' have brown which I was a bit gutted about as I would've loved a blue eyed child like me!

I know how you feel though with the in law comments. MIL does this all the time - SIL doesn't have children and may well not end up having them, and as SIL is MIL's clear favourite child she always claims my DC's nice traits as being from SIL. Oh he's such a good baby, just like SIL was etc etc. As if my DC have inherited so much from their AUNT!

Sorry this is off topic from the OP's question but I do find this fascinating. A pal from school had a Yorkshire mum and Saudi Arabian dad, and he was born and bred in Yorkshire. He has an Arabian name, and whenever there was a new teacher, there was always a double take as you would never have selected him to the the owner of that name. He was pale and ginger with freckles. His two sisters however, were dark skinned and dark haired. I'd love to know more about how this happens and how you end up with a dominance rather than a merging of genes.

My mil was adamant ds was nothing like dh.
She never wanted to be a dgm and was horrified when we announced I was pregnant..
Accidents happen she said! I was 42 and we had booked our wedding!!
Then proceeded to tell me his ex wanted his babies!!

Been nc since ds was 3 months old.
The peace - - - -

My DS looks nothing like me. It was a bit difficult for a day or two because through our infertility struggle the baby I imagined looked like my side of the family ( not his), but he’s so cute I couldn’t angst over that for too long.

DD doesn’t really look like me. I have blue eyes and red hair and am very pale, she’s got dark hair and eyes and is fairy olive skinned, like her dad. She’s also much prettier than I was as a child!