Mums of 2, what's it like? Can I ask a few questions?

[keabby]

Hiya. I've been on the fence about having 2 DCs and lately I've been leaning more towards having two.

It's just that I constantly hear "warnings" about how difficult 2 DCs is compared to having one. "It's quadruple the work!" (how long does that last, if that's true?) How different your life is, etc. And it scares me! I really like the simple, stress free life I have right now. Then again I tell myself I don't really find having one DC all that stressful so maybe I'd be OK to handle another.

As far as DD's temperament I'd say she's a pretty average toddler. There's about 30 min of kicking and screaming each night before dinner, answer to everything is "NO", I don't feel knackered around her though or anything like that esp now that bedtime is easy, I usually just try to let everything roll off my back. Usually if I do need a break she's good at independent play.

DD will be 2 in a couple of months. I think my other fear is that the relationship with her will somehow change once I have another. Or that I'm going to miss her and our special 1:1 times. Did you feel that way at all long term or was it temporary? Is it difficult to carve out 1:1 time with your DCs? Is jealousy an issue?

Also, how often do your children bicker and fight? This was one of the other things I was on the fence about and I want to know, honestly! If I'm signing myself up for the likelihood of bickering and fighting all day every day I may stay one and done. I'm an only child so I have no reference... I can't deal with constant bickering and fighting but I'm comfortable redirecting a squabble every once in a while. DH grew up with siblings and said his parents only needed to intervene perhaps once a week if that. Just wondering what I can expect for a "norm"

I'd be looking at a 3 to 4 year gap if you have experience with that as well.

Ultimately if you don't mind sharing, what was your reason for having two DCs? I feel like every reason I come up with isn't good enough :s I think the primary reasons for me are to have a bit of a larger family as we really don't have a lot of connections, and so that the children (hopefully) have each other as a support in life and can grow up together.

Many thanks all

Yes ours was the same, to have a sibling. It is hard in the early days and takes some getting used to but as they get older it’s got easier. They ‘mostly’ play nicely together which is lovely.

My children are really good friends, honestly I can say very very rarely argue, no fighting. Theres 2 years 3 months between them. It's hard at first and no doubt your relationship with the first changes but short term only. I'm into the easier years now they're 4 and 6. Best thing we ever did was another child to complete our family- cant imagine a lonely only child....

Hiya hun, I have an 18 month age gap so a bit smaller than yours but I found it quite easy. When DS2 was first born I struggled a bit because it was a lot of work. But it got easier. 1:1 time I find quite easy. I get time with DS2 when DS1 is at nursery when then time with DS1 when DS2 naps. Ds2 was unplanned but I always wanted 2 so they could always have each other. They play nicely now tho x

Just kind of always knew I would have two. Two was never really discussed as such, just seemed inevitable. It was hard work at first (very short age gap) but worth it to see their relationship develop and knowing they have that shared experience of childhood as I did with my sibling.

As a mother to adult children. I would say that I love their relationship now and am very glad they will hopefully have each other on day when I am gone. Obviously there are no guarantees with that.

From when dd was 2-3 I was adamant I was going to have a second. Then she hit 3 and fuck me, if I’d had another baby at this moment in time I truly think I’d have regretted it constantly.

She’s coming up to 3.5 and things are getting easier, even in lockdown. I can envisage dp and I trying for a second next year.

Interesting to the read these replies!

I have a 3 year old and a 2 month old baby.

I specifically waited until the toddler would in (partially funded) nursery so that I would have a least some time where I could sit and feed a baby without being constantly pestered. Timing-wise that worked out great. Until Coronavirus closed all the nurseries, so now I'm on my own all day everyday with a very energetic toddler and a tiny baby, while DH is at work. Which is Not Good.

I've always wanted two children and I'm pregnant with DC2. The age gap will be 3.5 years.

My reasons for wanting two have always been the same: I want my children to have siblings, hopefully they will get on with each other but even if they don't I think it can be helpful for them to learn to coexist and share with someone. Also this is a bit morbid but I want them to have each other when DH and I die. And selfishly, I hope that once they are both a bit older (ie past the baby stage for the youngest) they will be able to play together a bit, keep each other company. I think an only child can be more demanding from that pov. Of course with siblings you could get squabbles too and have to deal with those. But lockdown has made me even more sure that I don't want DS to be an only child - he's had no contact with other children at all and I find it sad.

I do think it will be hard when DC2 is born, but people say 0-1 is harder than 1-2. We certainly found parenthood a massive shock to the system and a big lifestyle change! And I don't think so much will change second time around.

OTOH I am most definitely stopping at 2 and while I can just about understand why people have 3, I have no idea why anyone would have 4+, I don't judge but I just can't relate

DC2 isn't crawling yet so at the moment it's delightful having two!

DC1 is suffering in lockdown but before lockdown when he was in nursery 3 days a week it was lovely. I felt the luckiest mum in the world to have two.

I don't think you need to justify having another by the way.

I will definitely be getting a dog when DC2 is old enough to refuse my kisses!

I'd say adding DC2 has made life 25% more complicated/stressful at the moment. But as I say.. not crawling yet!

I have a girl then a boy and they are 2 years 8 months apart. When the second one was born the older one was doing 2 short days a week in nursery and then when he turned 1, she went to school nursery for 5 mornings a week. It meant I always had a couple of hours here and there where I could just had one baby to look after rather than the full-on combo of a baby and toddler 24/7.

They are in their late teens now and they are very close and have always been close throughout their whole lives. They played together from the year dot and have always had each other. They have a relationship that is independent of me and my husband (so they keep in touch even though eldest is now at University). It is without doubt the greatest joy of my life.

PS

Technically I'm an only child as my parents separated when I was young but they both had children with new partners so I have siblings (half and step siblings). As a young child I wanted siblings and was glad to acquire them. As an adult I'm still very glad to have them, we are not geographically close but all get on well.

Sadly DH can't stand his sister so he was a bit less convinced about the value of siblings!

I think it depends how the parents manage things tbh, if children are treated differently and if sibling conflict is not dealt with well (or at all) then it can cause a lot of hurt. But I optimistically think that if the parents do a decent job of treating their children fairly, supporting them through conflict etc, siblings are a good thing.

Chic
"It is without doubt the greatest joy of my life."
That's lovely to read and that's why I'm having a second.

@ChicChicChicChiclana

I thought your last line was so lovely!

I have 2, with a 3.5 year age gap, they are now 9 and 6. I've never regretted having 2, it's been so much better in so many ways, even though DC2 can be 'difficult'

They do bicker, but they also get on together so well, I think they have kept each other sane and happy during lockdown. Also they entertain each other more than relying on me. I love having 2 and would never be without them

Go for it. I found having a baby and toddler
very hard but only because younger one was a screamer and didnt sleep. If they'd both been like dd1 was as a baby it would have been ok. They are teenagers now and lovely and great company for each other and have been for years. They've gained a lot from having each other

My first two are 20 months apart and dc2 was a tricky baby so that first year was super hard. It’s all a blur now tbh. But after that he became a lovely toddler and they started playing together loads. Every day it got easier and more fun.

They’re now 5.5 and just turned 4. They bicker a bit but obviously love each other and it’s really nice to know they’ll have a lifelong friend. Sometimes I hear them lost in their imaginary world together or dc1 reading to dc2 or both of them in crazy hysteria and my heart could burst. We’ve just had a third and all stuck at home with no school. Now that really is quadruple the work! I’ll probably block it out again but no way will we have any more.

4 years 3 months between my DDs. A lot larger gap than wanted, but I had bloody cancer and had to wait. Actually, it was great, and still is at nearly 3 and nearly 7.

DD1 started school 6 weeks after DD2 was born and the novelty of new baby had worn off. She had her new exciting school and I had an easy second mat leave.
DD1 always understood what was going on and had plenty of 1:1 during naps etc and big girl time.

By 2ish, DD2 was a great playmate and at the age they are now they play together for hours. Yes there are fights and arguments, but they play so much and DD2 gets so much from her older sister.

Bigger age gaps are often viewed negatively but 4 years is great in my case!

I have two with an 18 month gap. The early months were fairly easy but when the youngest started crawling (and then walking) it became much harder and more chaotic. Definitely felt more than double as hard as having one and like I couldn’t give as much dedicated time to either one (although the close age gap did mean my oldest was still napping for the first year of his brothers life which was a dream). Sometimes I look at my friends who just have one doing lovely one on one activities with their only child and feel a bit sad that I can’t really have that dedicated time and energy in the same way.

BUT they’re 2 and 3 now and their relationship has really blossomed this year, it’s a wonderful thing to watch. I’ve been really grateful during this lockdown especially that they have each other and seeing their friendship develop makes it all worthwhile. They do have fights and it can be quite chaotic trying to police various situations but on the whole they get on great and really enjoy each other’s company.

That all said if you really do want an easy life then stop at one.

I had 2 under 2 and those first few months were the most difficult time of my life so far. I did struggle with depression after my 2nd child though and that made it harder than it should have been. I think it started to get easier when the youngest learned to move around, talk a little and was a bit more independent.

It's difficult to prepare for but you cope because you have to.

My dc are now 7 & 9 and have always got on really well. Yes, they bicker and fall out but generally are kind towards each other and would do anything for each other. My eldest has adhd and possibly some traits of autism but that doesn't seem to affect their relationship.

We had 2 because I caught on with my 2nd unexpectedly and couldn't think about not continuing with the pregnancy.

I have two , with a 2yr 10 month gap. The baby/ toddler overlap was hard. And the sleepless nights would not have been manageable without a very supportive and committed husband and father.

But I love the gap! They are genuine friends. Play together, laugh together, conspire and misbehave together. Their relationship is beautiful and, particularly now, I'm so glad they each have a live in best friend. They are now 10 and 12.

My own sister is 4 years older than me and she is my best friend. She always was - existing her teenage years when I was a child and not cool.

There are arguments of course, but they aren't frequent and more often than not they team up against me when I try to intervene should they bicker.

I have a nearly 3yo and a 6mo. It's honestly been fine so far but ds2 is a very easygoing baby. It's all stuff you're doing anyway or have just done - naps, nappies, now we are weaning...it all seems a lot easier the second time round. Also things like laundry and such are being done anyway so an extra person (especially a little one) isn't that much extra. I think two teens are going to be the real challenge.....

There is a 2 year 8 month age gap between my children. When DC2 was born and DC1 still wasn't sleeping, talking or potty trained, and DC2 was quite a poorly baby and I had a reasonably debilitating injury, it was Very Fucking Hard.

But! my children get on wonderfully, they sometimes bicker and the 3yo needs to remember his gentle hands but they play so nicely, so much of the day. Its brilliant at the moment that they have each other. I woke up this morning to hear them chatting to one another in their room, telling each other about their dreams. Having a second was the best thing ever and having a second didn't do any harm to my relationship with my first child.

We have a 3 and a half year age gap and I’d recommend it! Little one is nearly a year old and week after week I’m seeing their relationship grow stronger. Today they were splashing each other in the bath (very cute) and I caught the older one hugging the baby in the playpen. No fighting yet but it’s early days. Age gap is also good for minimising childcare costs.

We found going from 0-1 children so so hard but 1-2 has been fine mainly as the major changes to your life have already happened. I think it also depends greatly upon the temperaments of your children which I appreciate you cannot plan. Child 2 is more chilled than the first and sleeps better (thank god) but it could easily be the reverse. It is double the domestic work ie more washing etc.

I’d recommend keeping the older child in childcare for consistency/routine and for your bonding/sanity. It worked fab until Lockdown.

I’m glad we’ve got a second child. I’m glad our family now feels complete. I’m definitely done though. No baby number 3!