Undecided on 2nd baby - older mum!

[Grey86]

Lockdown has sent my mind into overdrive - every day for the past few weeks I have been thinking ALOT about whether to try for a 2nd baby. My little boy is 18 months, I’m 39 (40 later this year) and, up until very recently, I was most definitely “one and done”. My husband, on the other hand, would like a 2nd but has always said no pressure if I don’t want to.
My little boy is a happy soul, has always been a great sleeper (maybe I have just jinxed it now!) but I still find motherhood absolutely exhausting. I feel irritable a lot of the time, just from exhaustion I think. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m older or if this is how I would’ve felt anyway if I was younger.
The one girl I became friends with from antenatal class just had her 2nd baby last week and 2 good work colleagues both announced pregnancies in the space of a week and these are what I seem to be fixated on. I’m not entirely sure why. It’s almost like I felt we were all equal and now I’m being left behind as they’re having a 2nd baby....if that even makes sense!
If I was younger I feel I could put it to bed for a bit and decide further down the line if we want to try but I have overwhelming feeling of the clock is ticking due to my age.
Did anyone else feel like this? If you did have a 2nd, would you mind sharing how you truthfully coped? Or if you decided to just have 1, did you have any regrets further down the line?
I just feel it’s such a huge life decision and it’s all I can think about just now.

Just one child, no regrets. Never thought I would just have one, but it works well for us. There's a lot of things you can do with one child that you can't do with multiples. It's interesting that her primary school friendship group were all singletons, or big gap from older siblings, but they had lots else in common too.

As for your child being a great sleeper, I always joked at the toddler groups that I'd heard everyone saying "if my first child had been as bad as this one, we'd have stopped at one", and learned from it!

I'm also 39 (DH 44) and I wanted to be absolutely sure that we didn't have another, so DH had the snip in December when our baby was 5 months old.

I knew that when the trauma of the newborn phase had faded I might start thinking about a second, so we took steps to prevent that while it was still fresh in our minds!

Any regret in the future I'll just have to deal with, but I just couldn't go through it all again!

Im 38 and just had my 3rd. Same as you i wasnt having any more then felt like the clock was ticking and i wouldnt have chance to change my mind. No regrets here .i have felt fine well at least untill lockdown when i found myself being a teacher aswell.she fits into the family perfectly and the older boys love her its like shes always been here.if you choose to have another you will find your feet xx

40 in may and having 3rd in July.

I h as my first at 37 and my second at 49. I didn’t think I wanted a second, but as one if 4, at dc1 hit older I couldn’t bear the idea of him but having any siblings. I have not deny a moment’s broodiness since I had dc2, but I’ve never regretted having her.

Oh my gosh ur post is exactly how I’m feeling too, I’m 37 in July and my little boy is 18 months too. I too have been thinking about a second baby for same reasons and we have always talked of having 2 children. We were planning to try at the end of the year but since lockdown we have had a lot of time to think about things. I don’t think there is any right time for these kind of things so we are going to just see what happens. My hubby is 40 this year too and said he doesn’t want to be a grandad daddy Haha! Quite a few people around me have just had babies too so is making me really want another little one sooner rather than later. I find it quite a struggle with my little one at the mo in lockdown as I’m wfh aswell, I can only do a few hours a day though, and am enjoying the extra time with my son even tho I’m exhausted. I think u just need to go with ur gut instinct, I always believe things happen for a reason so good luck 😉

Massive typo in my previous post - I had my second baby at 40, not 49!!!!!

Have a second, it's your last chance, no regrets. I've been so grateful for more than one kid in these times so they can play with each other. Lockdown is a nightmare for my one child mates. I know this situation won't be forever but it's just one example of how having more than one is better long term

If I can be completely honest, I have never been more grateful that we have two children than during this lockdown because they have each other to play with, while being isolated from their normal friends and activities. Partly because their relationship has certainly grown during this time, and partly because DH and I don't have to personally entertain them as they play with each other.

Don't overthink it! Just sit down, close your eyes and imagine your future. Do you see yourself having a small family? Quiet family dinners? Yourself or your husband being your sons only playmates at home? Or do you see your son being a big brother? Having a best friend to grow up with? Yes lack of sleep sucks but it all goes by so fast and you have to think long term.

I had my second (with a 10 year gap) at 36 last year. I am so pleased I did. I don't feel older most days (apart from a short period of sleep regression at 4 months when I felt about 93027 years old.. Rest of the time if anything I'm more patient and relaxed then I was first time round and love it x

I’m not sure that having a playmate during lockdown is a good enough reason to have another child. I’m not sure that other people’s choices will necessarily help since they are not living your life with your circumstances. Essentially you have a 3 possibly 4 year window ( could be greater but that comes with more risk obviously). Having them closer together obviously gets them “ done” and offers the potential for a close relationship but means you’ll have a toddler with a baby which I dare say will be exhausting. People cope with that though. Would it be fulfilling for you? I think it’s something you should consider only if you actually want another child and not because other people are around you doing it.

DS is 1 and I’m absolutely done. I love him with all my heart but I can quite honestly say it’s far more difficult than I ever thought it would be, and he’s a lovely happy little boy who sleeps like a dream.
I can’t go through it all again and hold down a job. Just one for me! I’m 40 this year.
I say this as someone who grew up with sisters and we all get on great and I have wonderful nephews.
I do worry about his future and his lack of family but honestly I’d do this no matter how many kids I had!

I’m not sure that having a playmate during lockdown is a good enough reason to have another child.

Well obviously not for OP unless lockdown lasts long enough for her to give birth and the baby to be old enough to play with her DS!

But in other cases like relocation, where children lose their social network, having a sibling can also be a benefit.

‘Don’t overthink it’ has to be the worst ‘advice’ I’ve ever seen on the subject. Forcing a person into existence for 8 decades on this dying planet should absolutely be intensely thought out, and with the potential persons future at the forefront of the thinking. The possibility of the new person maybe playing with it’s sibling in the future, for a few minutes is also not a reason to produce a person.

Electrical so unless you've mapped out the first 40 years of your potential child's life, you don't have a good reason to have one? Alright then.

I don't know how many DCs you have but there is an actual benefit to having children who can entertain each other so you can get on with other household tasks or just have a break. My friends with only children rely on play dates and activities a lot more than those with 2+ children at home - just my observation.

All I would say, is don't be swayed by what others are doing (I still look at people with big families and wonder why I couldn't do it, what do they have that I don't), make your peace with your decision. It doesn't have to be a huge compelling reason either. Not really having the urge for number two is as much a reason as any other.

There are many benefits to having one child, and in today's society, less 'need' for many siblings.

Also, and I don't know how important this is to you, the pregnancy, birth, newborn stages are very different the second time round. Everything is peppered with being a bit harder and a lot more guilt.

Yes, they play together. But it's years away. And they also fight. And you might end up with siblings who just don't get on. Don't be sold a wonderful cosy life-long relationship. It's just luck.

That said, it's another person to love. And you'll not regret their existence.

I had my first at 41, at the time we were definite we would only have 1. I had a great pregnancy and birth though and definitely would like to do it again. But we can’t afford 2 in nursery and we don’t have the time to wait. I think the reality of 2 would be far worse than the fantasy. I have lots of friends with one child and it’s overwhelmingly positive.
So no second baby here, and I think I am good with it really, just a little wistful that we weren’t able to start any earlier.

A lot of siblings don’t get on, my brother and I are not close and DH is no contact with his 2 siblings so this part doesn’t bother me.

miss we know that there will be climate refugees, food and water shortages in the upcoming decades, things like that are obviously what I was talking about, stuff that will be happening.
And no, a kid maybe tolerating it’s sibling in the future enough to play together for a little while, is obviously not a good reason to produce a whole new person! It’s mind blowing that anyone could think that.

I had dd1 very young and always knew she would be my only. I'm the youngest of 6 our house was always busy growing up.
23 years later🤣🤣 dd2 came along a very unexpected surprise.

I'd love a 3rd. I. Thinking I need to decide soon, I turned 36 earlier this year. Husband would go with whatever I decide.
My youngest is 6yrs old so quite a gab. Both of our kids were fab sleepers and are very 'easy' children. Takes little to please them, we have little dramas and they are just well behaved. I just can't decide whether to leave it as is or go for it.

I got pg with my second at pretty much exactly your age. Few months before 40. All good. Very happy I did it. 18 months between my two :)

Feel the same. Son is 4 in Spetember, I'll be 39 next month. So torn. Head V Heart and all that!

I didn't have my children late, I was in my late 20s when they were born and I always knew I wanted more than two (but only had two due to financial constraints). Now I am a 56 year old foster mum to a three year old and a 6 month old and I am more chilled now than I was back then with my own. I don't think it is always your age that makes you tired and irritable as a parent so that for me would be an alarm bell.

Thanks so much for all the responses - most are very helpful and a few comments definitely resonate with me. I have often heard mums say they felt as though someone was missing from their family so they knew they wanted another. I actually don’t feel like this at all. I look at my little boy and he’s still such a baby (I know he’ll always be my baby!) and I’m not sure I can imagine him having to “share” me (this possibly sounds ridiculous but hopefully makes sense). Maybe, for now anyway, that gives me my answer. I just wish I had the luxury of time if I do change my mind further down the line.....anyway thanks so much, reading the comments has been helpful!