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Parenting

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Original poster

Has anyone split the children up when they separated?

45 replies

Misty9 · 27/04/2020 16:54

For various reasons I am contemplating whether it might be in my eldest child's best interests to life predominantly with his dad, while his sister lives with me, and we have every other weekend with both kids in one household or the other.

I'm interested in hearing if other parents made this decision, for whatever reason, and how it went or is going?

I would really appreciate if only parents who have experience of this give their input as this is a hard enough thing for me to contemplate without getting flamed on top of that... Obviously it's a public forum, but I would really value others experiences at this stage.

OP posts:

Original poster

Misty9 · 27/04/2020 16:55

For context we currently do 50 50 shared care and my eldest has extra needs.

OP posts:

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 27/04/2020 16:57

The first thing posters will want to know is, what age are the children and is the separation going to be a bitter one. What about contact between the children and what effect do you think this will have on them?

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 27/04/2020 16:58

Sorry, I missed the bit about 50/50.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting Relationship problems

Hercwasonaroll · 27/04/2020 16:58

It must be an incredibly extreme situation for you to even contemplate this OP.

Nicolanomore24 · 27/04/2020 16:59

Personally I wouldn’t. I think it could build resentment in the children. I can’t tell the full story without it being outing but a brother and sister in my family were separated. Although different from your situation, one went to live with an aunt one with a grandparent.

The child you went to the Aunt now has a lot of resentment and abuses drugs. Well being sent to live with the Aunt may not be the complete cause of that, we as a family feel it contributed. The people involved say that if they could turn back the clock, the children would have been kept together.

helia · 27/04/2020 17:04

My friend's stepdaughter lives with her and the girl's dad but his other daughter (her full sister) lives with their mum. There's a big age gap between the girls (now 5 and 11). From what I gather the younger daughter was still a baby when they split up so she needed to stay with mum and the older daughter expressed a strong preference to remain with dad. The parents live some distance apart so the girls spend one weekend at dad's house, one at mum's, etc. I know my friend would like the younger girl to live with them too but accepts that's not the situation. It's not ideal but it seems to work for them. However, the older daughter does now seem reluctant to travel to her mum's house now that she has friends and activities at the weekend. Clearly the lockdown has presented significant challenges too - they aren't seeing each other in person now.

happilybemused · 27/04/2020 17:04

My parents did this after their divorce. My brother lived with my Dad and I lived with my mum.

I'm not particularly close to my brother but this may have been the case anyway.

My maim resentment was the difference in finances. My Dad was very well off so my brother did not have to work during sixth form/ university so he could concentrate on studying.

I had to work throughout school/university and had to take a gap year and get a job.

I was also put out when my mum got a horrible boyfriend who moved in. I asked my dad if I could live with him (brother now at university) and he said no way could he cope with a girl.

Just my experiences though

Original poster

Misty9 · 27/04/2020 20:12

Thanks so far, and it's helpful to hear from the child's perspective too @happilybemused

To answer some questions, yes it is an extreme situation and has been on and off for many years. Children are 6 and 8, and the split is very amicable. Lockdown has brought it all to crisis point so it may be that this is a temporary measure but at some stage I have to be honest and question whether I am the best person to meet my child's needs. You don't know how hard and how painful it is for me to even formulate this idea in my head. But I want the outcome which causes least damage to my child.

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Original poster

Misty9 · 27/04/2020 20:13

Oh and I am not planning on bringing any other adult into our lives for a very long time.

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HollowTalk · 27/04/2020 20:15

What's the relationship like between the older and the younger child?

I think you're being brave to consider what's best for your child above your own interests.

smartiecake · 27/04/2020 20:18

No i have not been in your situation so cant really comment but I think an 8 year old boy still needs his mum most of the time. Its still very young.
Is there a reason why you think you are not the best person for him to be with? I have 2 boys and they are 12 and 15 and still need me now

Windyatthebeach · 27/04/2020 20:21

A court ime would not order this...
They likely have good reasoning.
When I moved out and we shared dc I had the younger one a bit more than the other 2. As he got a bit older ex got same with all at judge's recommendation...
Be careful op is what I would say. Resentment festers in strange ways.

Racmactac · 27/04/2020 20:25

I have ds 14 and ds13. One lives with dad the other lives with me. It's been 6 months like that. It was oldests decision and it breaks my heart but the boys have benefitted from it. They are no longer at each other's throats and are happy.

It's really hard as a mum. I did everything for them when they were little so it feels like a kick in the teeth but I still have good relationship with them.

Samtsirch · 27/04/2020 20:50

It may be useful to try it during lockdown / summer holidays to see how the children adapt.
Have you discussed the situation with your children ?
Could the arrangement be altered if one/ both of the children were unhappy ?
My children stayed with me during the week but when my son was older (14) he decided he wanted to stay with his dad.It broke my heart but I could see he was happier and more relaxed living with his dad, due to lifestyle and the 2 of them being very close.
We have all remained close as a split family, continuing to share activities / days out and some holidays.
You have to try to work out what works best for you all as a family.

corythatwas · 27/04/2020 21:16

Is the problem between the two siblings or between you and one of the children?

In other words, would you be keeping one child with you because it is in the child's best interests or because you don't want to lose them both?

I imagine a court would only order this in extreme cases, for instances if one child posed a danger to the other.

Pixilicious · 27/04/2020 21:28

I know two adults whose parents did this. Both of them a quite damaged people.

AlphaHotelFoxtrot · 27/04/2020 21:34

My ex suggested this when we split, but our dd's are very close and it would not have been in their best interests. However, your situation, with one with additional needs is different. Could you trial it, say for lockdown, or for (all? Part?) Of the school holidays? And if it goes well extend it, but keep communication open and be flexible to changing if it doesn't work. Or maybe even do it one weekend a month, just to give them some space away from each other, it doesn't have to be all or nothing.

Original poster

Misty9 · 27/04/2020 22:35

Thank you for your responses. And thank you for saying I'm brave @HollowTalk

To clarify, the issue is between me and one of my children. The relationship between the two of them is generally really good, which is one of the many considerations. However, the impact of the difficulties affects all of us, including the younger child, and I am only even contemplating this because I think it would be in both their best interests currently.

I do think I'll trial it during lockdown. We need a respite plan anyway as things are pretty awful. Professionally I assess these kind of situations for the courts so this is all the more hard for me as I feel I should be able to sort it out. But I also know what I as a professional would have concerns about.

Best case scenario, this would only need to be short term. I've worked really hard to get me and my eldest to a better place, but lockdown has set us back hugely and my capacity at the moment to cope with this is minimal. So it feels that a break would be the least damaging option at the moment.

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Original poster

Misty9 · 27/04/2020 22:37

@Racmactac you sound really brave for putting your child's needs above your own has their sibling relationship improved now? it's not easy is it this parenting lark?!

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Original poster

Misty9 · 27/04/2020 22:40

@corythatwas I probably haven't addressed your question - I would keep my youngest because she is struggling to be apart from me so it would be in her best interests. If my eldest and I didn't have such a difficult relationship I would be suggesting more time with both of them (than the current 50 50) but that would definitely not be in mine or my eldest's best interests sadly.

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HollowTalk · 28/04/2020 11:36

Is there any way you can always keep it as a temporary arrangement, or would one child have to change schools? If things are going well and both children seem happier with the split then you could just keep going with it, but if things need reviewing then you could change back to how it was.

Is the problem with your older child because of their additional needs? Have you two always had difficulties together?

Legoroses · 28/04/2020 11:45

I know it's difficult for you to write details in a public forum but I'll tell you my intentions for my autistic child in case helpful. I have three children, two neurotypical. I hope that all of them will look for each other but I do particularly hope that if there are areas where one needs particular help, the others will step in. I hope that I'm raising them to be close, compassionate and moral, and that will mean they can help each other in later life. I would worry in your circumstances about weakening those sibling ties to their long term detriment.

Concerned7777 · 28/04/2020 11:53

What are your ex thoughts on this? Is he happy with this arrangement?
Also have you spoken to your children to get their point of view?

Original poster

Misty9 · 28/04/2020 12:18

I think a flexible arrangement would be best yes. I haven't spoken to my ex yet but I'm hoping to do so soon. These difficulties have been present for years but tend to go in cycles of severity. Unsurprisingly, lockdown has catapulted us into a bad phase and my capacity to cope is also compromised.

The sibling relationship is a huge consideration for me, but they would still see each other regularly. Lots to think about.

Has anyone else done this and can share their experiences?

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HollowTalk · 28/04/2020 14:43

Do you live near to your ex?

What about having it the way you suggest, but one night a week you and your ex swap children, so that you have your son on his own once a week and your ex has his daughter on her own. Then also once a week you could have your son for tea and a play, and once a week your ex could do the same. So you get some free time and also time with both children and then with each child separately?

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