Has anyone split the children up when they separated?

[Misty9]

For various reasons I am contemplating whether it might be in my eldest child's best interests to life predominantly with his dad, while his sister lives with me, and we have every other weekend with both kids in one household or the other.

I'm interested in hearing if other parents made this decision, for whatever reason, and how it went or is going?

I would really appreciate if only parents who have experience of this give their input as this is a hard enough thing for me to contemplate without getting flamed on top of that... Obviously it's a public forum, but I would really value others experiences at this stage.

I have 3 siblings, our parents split when we were 14, 12, 10 and 8. We stayed with Mum initially, and spent every other weekend at Dad's. The 12 year old developed severe OCD and moved in with Dad as my Mum couldn't cope with his violence, and really the OCD made life hell for all of us. Having one on one care from a less stressed parent was ideal for that sibling. He is now a well adjusted adult, we as a family have done really well because of that decision to split us. When my brother moved to Dad's we remaining children were so happy, it was wonderful to be in a calm home again.
There will always be some resentment that our brothers care was the only thing our parents could communicate about amicably. But my parents seperated in a horrible manner without any consideration as to how it would affect us children, so that is a whole other story.
If you and your ex are amicable already, then your eldest moving to his Dad's could be good for all of you.

Sorry no experience just a hand to hold. I cant imagine you making this decision is easy for you but huge respect for you being so honest about your situation and putting what is best for your family circumstance before anything else. You sound like a fab Mum x

My youngest lives with my exh and my eldest with me. The reason this has happened is due to my youngest behavioural issues. She has adhd, sensory issues and attachment disorder. Her behaviour is extreme and myself and my eldest dd were the ones being physically, mentally and emotionally abused by her. She's always been better with my exh so we made the call to do exactly as you've outlined in your op. Eow we have both dc, so each dc gets to spend time with us and their sibling and also my youngest dc gets to maintain a relationship with my side if the family. We also split school holidays 50/50 to help with childcare etc.

It works as well as it can do tbh and it's saved my sanity and the mh of my eldest dd

My dc shared homes in theory. Middle dc chose the house of least resistance mostly and got into loads of trouble as he was relatively unparented..Fun as a teen...
Once he saw 'the light' and came here he turned his life around. Sometimes he is envious of his sibling who was mostly here and had more boundaries and guidance.
Career wise he has been lucky - he was expelled from school and made to lie to me about it by exh. Younger dc has had a less stressful time post divorce. I will expect some resentment in years to come imo.
*me not you op but tread carefully is my advice.

I have a couple of friends whose parents did this and the children ‘left behind’-both boys incidentally and both older, whilst their younger sisters got to stay with their Mum, have really bad issues as adults. Their relationships with their Mums and with partners is really damaged, there’s a huge amount of resentment and their sister’s feel horribly responsible

When I first read your thread I thought you were going to say the children were older.....not 6 and 8! What additional needs does your son have and why/how his father dealing with it better than you?

I do know a family that did this - it completely fucked the children up into adulthood. Ruined the sibling relationship as well as the parent child one. It will always look to outsiders that you favour the girl and have written the boy off. Especially with him being so young. If you had said he was 15 or something then maybe but he's still a child? Sorry if that sounds harsh but you asked for stranger opinions and so this is my initial reaction based on the minimal facts you have given us

@LouiseMastny thank you so much for sharing your experience and I'm glad it worked out well for you all.
@copycopypaste it's really helpful to hear from someone else who's done this. How old were your children when you started it? I hadn't considered holidays yet, so how does 50 50 work then?

I know it might seem he's young but 5 years of being used as an emotional punchbag when I've got my own childhood issues has taken its toll. I'm not considering any of this lightly, believe me. His father is autistic so doesn't get triggered in the same way as I can and therefore withstands it better. Believe me I feel terrible that my own issues mean I can't be the mum he needs, but I have to think about what's best for both my children and face up to my limitations as a parent.

@Concerned7777 thank you. I rarely feel like a fab mum

@HollowTalk it's an interesting suggestion, thank you. Neither child copes well with lots of transitions so I was trying to minimise these, but I did also think about trying to have individual time with my eldest too. At the moment we just need a break from each other so I think I'll just have to be flexible and respond to the needs (mine and the children's) as they arise. It's hard because exh doesn't, and never has, do any of the heavy emotional lifting. He wouldn't think there was an issue even if it smacked him in the head. But luckily he pretty much follows my lead. But it's exhausting taking it all on.

I know what you mean about limiting transitions but perhaps if you stuck to a rigid timetable which is put up on a wall calendar then they know what will happen when?

Do you think DC1 might be autistic?

Yes, I do. Not sure which neurodiverse box he fits into, but pretty certain it's something. He's awaiting assessment.

What do you think your son would say if you asked who he wanted to stay with? Could you phrase it as having two homes now and he can stay where he likes?

@Misty9 my dc were 7 and 11 when we first did this, it's been over a year now and it works well. My youngest always go on better with my ex and as he's able to give her 1:1 attention she's doing so much better. They do appear to be a little team at the moment.

It does cause an amount of jealousy on my youngest part, but that was always there and resulted in violence against my eldest when she lived with us, we are working with a psychologist and also SS have been involved due to the violence and behavioural issues. It's interesting as they also supported the move for all concerned.

The 50:50 holiday split means we agree which weeks we'll have the dc, so this year I've had them both over New Year week (it was my ex's turn for xmas) and I've just had them both for the two weeks over Easter, it just means than rather having to arrange childcare for one child for 13 weeks, I now just have to sort childcare for 6 weeks for two children, it also means I can take them both away and also work when they aren't with me.

Weekends are Friday after school until Sunday after tea, every other weekend

I noticed you've mentioned time alone with each dc, that's a really good idea and something I try to do. I arrange a weekend with my ex where he has my eldest 1:1 and I have the youngest, it means I get quality time with both dd's

I'd also recommend you don't give the dc too much choice, sort out a timetable between the adults and then tell the dc. My pair (especially the youngest) need routine and with eow they know exactly when and where they will be. Also we have the holidays all mapped out on a wall chart. If I varied that and made it fluid I don't think she'd cope very well

No way should you be splitting up 6 and 8 year old siblings op. I thought you were going to say they were teenagers! And that’s not just my opinion, no court on earth would split siblings up at that age, and for good reason. It is concerning that you say your relationship is strained with your 8 year old child, I have an 8 year old and she’s barely more than a baby. If your relationship is already fractured then that’s something to focus and improve on. I wouldn’t send them to their fathers

Also agree with pp that the burden of the decision shouldn’t be put on the child’s shoulders. You are responsible for their wellbeing. If it goes tits up it would be cruel for them to feel like it was their own fault because it was their own decision to make as a small child

I was a child in a family that did this. We were always a disjointed family and it added to that disconnect. We all get on now but we are not and never were what I would call ‘close’.
I don’t resent it or anything and TBH until I read this thread I hadn’t even thought about it for years, in fact it took me too half way through the thread to realise it applied to me.

My father and his sister were separated (by a court) when their parents divorced (in the 60's). It was certainly damaging for my father, who lived with his father for ~6 years, and moved in with his mother as soon as he could (when he turned 16). His mother was less wealthy, but he would have been better with her and his sister. However none of those involved could explain why the court decided this, it was perhaps deemed 'fair'. I hope today everyone would be looking at what was best for the children.

@copycopypaste thank you that's really helpful.

If your relationship is already fractured then that’s something to focus and improve on
@Herpesfreesince03 do you seriously think I haven't been focusing on this for years?! To the detriment of my younger child sometimes unfortunately.

I would never make this the children's responsibility to choose. As their parents we make the decisions about what is in their best interests until they are old enough to do so.

I was apprehensive about posting this thread because I know that feeling differently about your children is the last taboo of parenting. But they are different people so of course that can result in differing interactions and ultimately relationships. I love both my children. I've turned myself inside out trying to be the mum they need. But if I can see a way that might work better and prevent some damage, then I'm going to explore that. I've had mothers tell me that they don't know how I cope with 50 50, and that they couldn't do it. It's not my choice, I do it because that's in my children's best interests. And I would only do this next thing if I think it's in their best interests. Both of them. So I posted this thread to get the experiences of other parents who might have been through similar. And it's been really helpful to hear from those and the other constructive and compassionate posts.

@ShouldWeChangeTheBulb thank you. I grew up with all my siblings and we are certainly not what I'd call close now either. It sounds positive that it didn't jump out at you when you read the thread?

@HollowTalk he'd choose his dad's as that's where the console is also he regularly tells me he won't ever come back here and wants to go back to his dad's. We do already call it two homes but I wouldn't want to put that on him to choose, and he needs predictability.