Deciding to have 3rd child

[coffeechocolatecoffee]

Those of you that continued to have more than 2 children or considered it but stopped at 2 - how did you make the decision?

DH and I are really struggling to decide whether to have one more or stop at the 2 we have. We struggled with having our first - 2+ yrs ttc plus mc before having her so didn't even think beyond 2 after that until now. Also fully aware the decision may be taken out of our hands and if that is the case, we are extremely grateful for what we have.

Pros are that we both would love 3 in the long term, we are comfortable financially and our house is large enough too. We have an excellent support network in terms of family and friends so lots of love and attention for all children.

Cons are the practicalities - reconsidering how our car will work if we had 3, going back to baby stage now we are finally getting sleep and a little independence is on the horizon, being pregnant again fills me with dread (just thinking longer term gain where that's concerned).

If we were to go ahead, soon is the right time (waiting to see where current circumstances are going ofc) in terms of age gap for children and my age (I'm approaching mid 30s but if I'm going to have another, I want it before 35 for personal preference)

Going round and round in circles so just wondering how others came to their decision?

Please don't comment if you always knew you wanted 1 or 2 and stopped there. It's not helpful to me as we aren't in that postion

We had basically the same concerns as you and grappled with it for ages. We were very happy with two, but what made the decision in the end was the fact that, when I imagined myself in the future without trying for a third, I knew that I would always look back and think about a hypothetical third child that wasn't there. I knew it would never leave me. I was also aware of the high risk of having a third when we had two happy healthy children - the difficulties that come with pregnancy, birth, postpartum time etc. we decided to try for a baby in the end and I don't regret it.

I have 3. I love him to bits, I cannot imagine life without him and he completes my family in a way it wasn’t before. Life is just starting to get easier now (they’re 7,5 and 3) but my advice for people who want a 3rd is stop at 2 . It would have made life so much simpler in so many ways.

3 is the tipping point for kids totally dominating the family. 2 still gives some balance and freedom. I love all mine but do regularly recognise how pleasant life would be if we had 2. Not that the others aren’t worth the stress! Just noting that it is a lot more stressful going to 3.

@PotteringAlong I know exactly what you mean!

We had 3 as I have one sibling with autism which didn't become apparent until she was older. She wasn't diagnosed until she was in her 30s! The only thing that got me through was that I had 2 other siblings to bounce off and spend time with who understood my life. If one of mine developed issues later in life I didn't want the other to be alone in dealing with that.

3 is lovely in a lot of ways but it is infinitely harder work! We're still in the thick of it as DS is only 18months. I don't regret it at all but life would have been a lot easier with 2. Having said that it's the middle one who's hard work so who knows!

We went for three because, although we were very happy with two, we knew we’d always regret not having a third but we’d never regret having one. Like a PP said, I knew I’d always wonder what if and I felt like we were missing one. Maybe when that feeling goes it’s when you know your family is complete.

Really wanted 3 - DH wanted to stop at two.

Really could not persuade him and only really wanted it if he really did anyway. I also valued my marriage over my desire for another child - though we did argue quite a bit over this!!

We stopped at two - I found this hard for a time and still have occasional pangs but I think in reality I wanted a third baby and all the loveliness and newness and not a third child.

Now they are teens and expensive/challenging in a different way than babies/children are, I am glad we stopped at two.
If they both decide to go to university we can afford it - think if I had to pay for a third it would be a struggle - ditto holidays etc.

I know practicalities are always seem as a bit boring and the advice is often to follow your heart, but I (due to DH) ended up following my head and don’t (apart from when I watch One Born Every Minute and get nostalgic) regret it in my day to day life.

Good luck making your decision OP.

We went through much the same and now I couldn't imagine life without my youngest. They are now 15,13 and 10. We have a great time together and they all get on ok, obviously they have their scraps but in general are good friends (for now!)
Only thing I would say is that I found the world is definitely more straightforward for families of 4. Buying a car, seating on flights, 'family rooms' in hotels etc. are all easier for 4 people. Obviously you make it work but it's not as straightforward.

Interestingly, I always knew DS2 was the middle one. DS3 was, from the moment I got pregnant, always always the last one.

Exactly what @difficulttod said. I knew that dd2 wasn’t my last, I never treated her as such or savoured it. I just knew that I wanted to do it all again and that our family wasn’t quite complete yet. I believe that you’re much more likely to regret not having a child than having one. Once that little person is here you’d never wish them away

We had this. Went round and round in circles. DH far more practical and said life getting easier, with about holidays etc. But I'm one of 5 and just couldn't shake the feeling of wanting a gang and that someone was missing. I knew I would regret it forever.

We decided to go for it and see what happened. Fell pregnant straight away! I'm expecting early Sept and of course since finding out in late December I was pregnant the world has been turned upside and I feel worried. But we are all so excited about our fifth member!

I have two and we are stopping. I would love a 3rd but the 2nd has been an absolute nightmare, lovely as he is, and we cannot go through that again nor our poor eldest. I am also nearly 40 and that is too old for me. It does make me really sad sometimes and sometimes when they're both on my lap I think a 3rd would fit very nicely. I'll have to live with that, another just isn't realistic for us to be able to cope.

A bit different for us, we had been contemplating a third and knew it really needed to be soon as we didn't want too large an age gap between child 1 & 3. We hadn't quite decided when I fell pregnant due to contraception failure.

She completes our family. I knew I wanted a third when I was pregnant with my second and felt sad that she would be our last. It was only after she was born that we discovered that she and our other children had additional needs. It makes it harder and we have a lot of hospital appointment for various things, nothing too difficult but it takes up a lot of mental space and physical time.

They're 8, 3 and 1. Their needs are different. 8yo wants a lot of 1 to 1 time and is sensitive and suffers with anxiety. 1yo is very ahead and wants to be like her siblings (has pros and cons). Generally we are shattered and with 3 you are outnumbered all of the time. Sometimes the 3 and 1yo both want cuddles with me and only me and not with the other sibling there. Sometimes the 8yo thinks we don't love her because we have to dash around after the little ones for some reason or other. It can be hard but it's also very rewarding and they have an incredible bond.

Our financial position has changed since we had our third, we have less money and right now we've both had to stop working altogether for lockdown (DH can't do his job from home and is furloughed but the risk of redundancy is high) and I am self employed and can't do my job atm. Money is even more of a worry right now. Children eat a lot and one has special dietary needs so it costs a lot more. Money is short term though and we can change that. We've now outgrown our house, despite thinking we had space and won't afford to move for years and can't extend. Our car fits 3 across so that was fine.

Think through the practical as well as emotional - childcare costs and network. Network is the key thing I think. The amount of times we have a hospital apt and need to figure out where the other children will be.

We'd always said we'd have between 2 and 4, DH and I both from large families (7 and 6). However we had a few years fertility issues and then ended up with 2 babies 13 months apart. By that point DH was 40, I was mid 30s and it was tough going. DH got a vasectomy and at the time I was happy with that. However now, I would be happy with a 3rd teenager and I would have liked a 3rd baby but I wouldn't have coped with a third child to be honest.

Thank you all. Everything you are all saying is what has been going round and round in my head!
@danetobe you described my thoughts better than me, I feel exactly the same about worrying I will regret it in the future.
@potteringaround I've had few people say that the same - no regrets for their 3rd but wouldn't advise others to have one.

The difficulties in childhood years are what are making me hesitant - I am under no illusion it will be extremely difficult for the first 5-7 years at least but we would love to have 3 older children (age 10+). I also fear I am wishing for too much with 2 healthy children right now and fear what would be the case if any health issues

@Mavericksnoopy, I'm so sorry for all your difficulties, I can only imagine how hard it must be juggling it all

Wanted three but debated and delayed for ages due to the financial and practical implications.

Went on holiday and said we'd give it a few months and if it was meant to be it would be - handing it over to fate as it were - and of course got pregnant immediately!

I think if we hadn't given it a go we would have always wondered "what if" as our family didn't feel complete - it certainly does now and that desire for further children evaporated after he was born.

There's no "right" answer and financially etc there's unlikely to be a good time unless you have the extra resources already & of course there's always the risk that after two healthy children you may not be so lucky third time around. It did feel a little bit like tempting fate, but we are so glad we did - he's an absolute joy and well worth going through all the sleepless nights / less money / logistical shenanigans for!

I’m only on my first baby and he’s only 4 months old but I know I’d love 3 as I’m the youngest of 3. My sister is now pregnant with her 3rd and her eldest will be nearly 10, middle 2.5 and baby. She gave herself 3 months to conceive so her gap between the baby and the middle child was no bigger than 3 years and went with the flow. She got pregnant in the first month and has taken the view it was meant to be!

She lost 2 during the 1st and 2nd and struggled ttc which is why there is a gap. If she didn’t get pregnant during the time she gave herself then that was the deciding factor, it’s a good way to look at it!

If you don’t think your done, then go for it! X

We have two and will try for a third. In fact, were it not for the current situation we would be trying later this year but we've put it on the back burner now until we see what happens. We are 32 so it's fine to leave it for a bit but we were keen to get through the baby/toddler stage in one go (ds1 is nearly 3, ds2 is 6mo).

I went through the same, with going around and around on it. I had to think very hard about life goals and who we were. In the end, we decided to try, but I developed ovarian failure. I'm learning to see the upside in the situation, but I got very attached to the idea of a third and so I still feel quite sad about not having a third sometimes. I may feel I differently when my kids are teenagers!

@coffeechocolatecoffee
I had twins for number three admittedly from ivf but I still wasn't expecting it, in real life I have three friends who have naturally conceived twins for their third pregnancy and one woman I knew had triplets, went from 2 kids to 5 in one jump! Not to put you off of course

We did it but only after debating it for far too long. This means that DD2 is 5yrs younger than DS and 7yrs younger than DD1. Obviously we adore her but the hardest part for us isn’t having 3, it’s having a 5yr gap and also in our case, a 7yr gap between our daughters meaning they’re at completely different stages of development. They all fit in the house and the car but holidays are a pain. Not just rooms to fit but also finding a holiday that suits a teenager and a 7yr old is tricky.
So, my point is do it if you feel like 3 completes your family but if you’re going to do it, do it now and avoid the age gap.

We had number 3 last year, eldest is 5. Going well so far and number 3 is loved by all. I am a SAHM though so do have plenty of time to focus just on the DC.
Financially we did buy a bigger car but it's something we probably would have done regardless. We went for a big badge so it was expensive but did see there was plenty of choice at lower price points. We had booked a holiday and were looking at about 1k more than usual. Obviously teens etc will be more expensive.
I do think if you have the means which it sounds like you do you should go for it as I think it could be one of those long lasting regrets if you don't.

I don’t know if I’ll ever feel “done” with having children, and whether that urge for another baby will go away. Does it go away if you’re sure you don’t want another baby? I knew after dd I wasn’t done, but we had a fairly big age gap for multiple reasons and now we have baby ds.

I know practically, financially, and sanity wise (he doesn’t sleep) we are done, but I don’t feel it. I would love another baby one day. But then I worry, after that one will I still get that urge? So is it something I should just live with..
for me it’s hypothetical because dp has point blank said he doesn’t want another baby. So we’re stopping at 2. Some part of me isn’t happy with that though.

@difficulttod and @OddshoesOddsocks I feel the same about my second but am trying to figure out if it is because I subconsciously planned to try again or I was just too exhausted to enjoy it properly as I have under 2 yrs between my eldest 2.
Completely agree @Neednewwellies in terms of age gap which is why we need to go for it asap if we do go ahead. Our elder 2 are born early Oct and late Nov so 2 school yrs apart. We have decided that if we do try and not fallen pregnant at the point where this one would be 2 school yrs behind the second (so max 33 month gap), we will stop and be grateful for what we do have.

@MissSmiley that is admittedly a huge fear of mine! I was terrified my second was twins as I fell pregnant much faster than expected second time round. Twins run in my dad's side of family (my grandmother gave birth to 3 sets of twins!) but I don't think the hereditary link is paternal.

@orlarose I work PT and we are comfortable. Having a 3rd would rule out things like private education but that isn't something we had our hearts set on to start with. If we are not paying for education, we can comfortably afford day to day life and probably one/two holidays each year which we are happy with

In terms of DH and I - we are both torn for the same reasons but we agree that we have to be happy with having 3 before we let it happen. Once we have come to that decision, it is upto fate and we will only have 5/6 months to try before we call it quits as we have set our endpoint