Deciding to have 3rd child

[coffeechocolatecoffee]

Those of you that continued to have more than 2 children or considered it but stopped at 2 - how did you make the decision?

DH and I are really struggling to decide whether to have one more or stop at the 2 we have. We struggled with having our first - 2+ yrs ttc plus mc before having her so didn't even think beyond 2 after that until now. Also fully aware the decision may be taken out of our hands and if that is the case, we are extremely grateful for what we have.

Pros are that we both would love 3 in the long term, we are comfortable financially and our house is large enough too. We have an excellent support network in terms of family and friends so lots of love and attention for all children.

Cons are the practicalities - reconsidering how our car will work if we had 3, going back to baby stage now we are finally getting sleep and a little independence is on the horizon, being pregnant again fills me with dread (just thinking longer term gain where that's concerned).

If we were to go ahead, soon is the right time (waiting to see where current circumstances are going ofc) in terms of age gap for children and my age (I'm approaching mid 30s but if I'm going to have another, I want it before 35 for personal preference)

Going round and round in circles so just wondering how others came to their decision?

Please don't comment if you always knew you wanted 1 or 2 and stopped there. It's not helpful to me as we aren't in that postion

I have two DDs and am not planning anymore. I know I will always wonder "what if" I had had a third. But I don't want to put myself through all the effort and sacrifices it takes. I think I will appreciate what I have and hope that little regret doesn't bother me too much in the future.

I have 5 and I'd say stick with two.

3 is great
What I would say though is, be very sure of your financial position. If your partner leaves you, you will only get benefits for two not three. If you lose your job, same scenario.
We were in a great financial position. Now ... single mum ... job about to go tits up ...

I'd absolutely LOVE a third but DH is 47 now and we are still in Babyland with DC2 only 14m old - we are tired and need a break but if I wait any longer DH will be far too old. So there we have it

Before children we always imagined we'd have three but how we have two we're done. I don't regret it and although we're still young enough to have another it's definitely not something we'd consider. Both of us come from families of 3 or 4 siblings and really don't feel like we're missing out on anything. Life for us is just better with two.

We also go back and fourth about it. Both of us feel we aren’t done, and want 3 kids but don’t especially want 3rd baby stage. Want a larger family, I was one of two and just seems so dull, am attracted to all the varied relationships at play. Same issues as others - starting to get more reliable sleep and independence and thinking do we really want to give that up? Life currently such a slog at times, do we want to add to that? But whenever we talk about it, we both feel there’s someone missing. Will you try soon if you do? I’m in two minds about that too, as to how risky it is. I believe I’ve had covid, but who knows and even if really immune if so. Let us know how you get on!!

I really, really wanted a third when my youngest was about a year old.

In our case we didn’t really have enough room in our house and no team prospect of being able to upsize. But the decider was that I was getting older - close to 40 - and I was really worried that there was a higher risk I might have a child with issues that would impact all of our family forever. We’ve been so lucky to have two healthy, thriving children, and without wanting to sound too doom and gloom, we didn’t want to push our luck.

Easy For us
3 would break our finances
It would lead to less opportunity for the current 2
Cars, holidays, housing more difficult
Not convinced that it’s the socially responsible thing to do either
Plus everyone with 3 we know love their kids but wish they’d stopped at 2

Sorry to those of you that desperately wanted 3 and it didn't work out or situation changed after having 3rd. I can only imagine how hard it is to accept

@Merename you are describing my thought process exactly! I am also one of 2, happy growing up and loved having a sibling but also wanted more and would love that for my children. As I mentioned in one of my earlier posts, we will be trying very soon if we do decide to and want to have no more than 2 school years between our second and the youngest so we would only try for 5/6 months and then stop if it didn't happen (which may well be the case as my first took a very long time to conceive). Waiting to see what next week or 2 bring in relation to COVID but after that, unlikely to hold us back (if we go for it) unless it is really dire.

@Figgygal sometimes I feel would be easier if decision was clearly made for us in the same way. We are fortunate we can afford it and main sacrifice for current 2 would be private education but we had all but decided against before this. We fortunately have a wonderful support network in terms of family and friends. My career would stall for a couple more years but it wouldn't stop me progressing in the future, would just mean I can't do right now but I am content with what I have achieved for the time being

After the difficulties with having our first and now having 2 wonderful healthy children, I often feel like I am tempting fate and being greedy even considering a 3rd. I am so lucky to have what I do but other times I can't shake the feeling that I am not done yet...

I know 3 families with 4 children. In 2 of the 3 cases the 4th child has difficulties of some sort. With one it’s a physical disability and with the other it’s severe autism. Without sounding overly dramatic, she’s a shell of her firmer self. They are utterly shattered as a family. Her marriage is strained and the one thing she says she cannot get over is the guilt she feels towards her older 3 whose lives have been turned upside down. No nice holidays (he cannot cope with crowds or planes) and hardly any of her or her husband’s time. I spoke to her in a zoom meet a couple of days ago and she just seemed broken. It made me think of this thread and although you’re only thinking of going from 2 to 3, it’s important to remember you just never know how a baby will change your life.

Thank you @Neednewwellies, it is a huge fear of mine if we did decide to try. I think partly because of the problems we had conceiving our eldest and then being so incredibly lucky to conceive our second quickly, part of me feels I am being greedy trying again.

It also contributes to our decision not to have children after 35 - I know lots of women safely have children at that age but statistically the risks are higher and we have been blessed with 2 healthy children so if it hasn't happened before then, we won't be going down that road.

I went back and fourth until I realised after 6 years of back and fourth (since the birth of my second!) that if I was still thinking about it then I just really want a third as I couldn’t let it go. We went for it. And it’s the best decision ever. She fits right in and we can’t imagine life w out her. The big age gap makes it so much easier! I actually find adding a third way easier then when I added the second. My first two were 20 months apart and a lot of work!!

I have two, who are now 6 and 4. From the time my youngest was about 18 months I thought about having another. I was probably 50/50. My hubby said he was happy with 2 but would have a third if I wanted to. Something held me back and we never went for it. Now I feel I am too old and the age gap would be too big for my liking so it will not be happening. However something switched in me about a year ago and I no longer felt the urge to have another. Also I know people say you don't regret a child and I know this is true but there have been many times over the past few years when I have been so grateful that I don't have a third. My two have a lovely bond, I hope this continues through their lives, I am so grateful for them. Two might be boring but for us it feels right. I am an introvert, I like calm, peace, time to myself etc and feel like I have kept a bit of balance. A third might have been wonderful or it might have broken me, I will never know but I am happy with our choice. Good luck with whatever you choose.

We have three, lots of cars big enough to be honest only thing that I've found a pain is most foreign holidays are geared up for families of 4 so we've had to book separate flights and accommodation, we've always managed though and I wouldn't change it for a slightly easier life. DDs are 9, 13 and 14.