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Original poster

DD thinks I'm ugly

43 replies

user1472662923 · 20/04/2020 23:18

Hello. Basically, my 5 yo DD has always, VERY fiercely, been a daddy's girl from age 1. For example, she used to kick and scream if I went near her - she just wanted her dad. Then when she could talk and communicate, she would say things like 'go away mummy, I don't want to see your face'. It has really hurt and on a few occasions I have cried and questioned the point in being present on her life. I've always been quite self conscious about my looks as I have a couple of moles on my face which I've been teased for when growing up. Even my own mum used to make comments. Anyway recently, I thought me and DD turned a corner, especially since lockdown. Dad goes to work as a key worker so it's just been us two and she's been really loving and wanted to cuddle etc. It's been lovely. Then today she wanted to buy some makeup - just a little toy thing from the pound shop. At bedtime I told her to remove the makeup, explaining that she needs to look after her beautiful skin. She said 'are you beautiful mummy?' I said 'I don't know, what do you think?' and she said ' I think daddy is beautiful, not you. You look silly.' I asked her why she thought that and she pointed out the two moles on my face. I had to just leave her with no story or song as I couldn't help feeling upset. She cried for over an hour and kept saying she didn't mean it. I felt awful in some ways as she's only 5. Throughout her whole obsession with DH, he has constantly told me I take it too much to heart and that she doesn't really mean it. But does she? They say what they mean, don't they? In a sense - they're the most honest people of the planet! If crushes me that my own daughter doesn't appear to like me, especially when I know that the majority of children cling to their mum's and not their dads. I don't know what to do to survive this, other than go physically hurt myself as punishment for the way I look! That honestly the way I feel right now, I hate who I am

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Marlena1 · 20/04/2020 23:32

My DD way prefers her Dad. But that's right now and it could change. Children say the cruelest things but a lot of the time they don't understand what they are saying. She doesn't think you're ugly, she loves you. I read before that they are way more upfront with mommys as they know you love them and they can get away with it. Tell her it's not nice to comment on people's appearances but don't think so deeply about it, she loves you.

HuloBeraal · 20/04/2020 23:36

Look, there are two separate issues.
When your daughter was saying those hurtful things earlier, she should have been told not to say them. Because they are hurtful. ‘We don’t talk to people like that.’
And I would have had a conversation with her about beauty and said: beautiful is about how people are inside, how they are to other people, not what they have on their face.

It’s your job to initiate these conversations as the mother of a daughter. You can feel hurt but you also need to have these conversations.

pepinanalilyplant · 20/04/2020 23:37

I'm sorry you are upset. I have no advice but didn't want to read and run. My DD 4 years is very literal as well and sometimes says hurtful things. I can honestly say it hasn't upset me... I brush it off because she is a child. My DH on the other hand take it very personally. DD forgets what she said in another 5 minutes anyway.

Maybe what your DD said upset you more because you are conscious of your looks (moles) as well. Could you look into getting the moles removed if that would make a difference? There are very many options available now.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

5 year olds Behaviour & development Families General parenting

HuloBeraal · 20/04/2020 23:39

I mean if any child of mine said ‘go away Mummy I don’t want to see your face’ I would be very upset at their lack of manners, not so much the content of what they were saying. I would make a point of stressing that the way to say this is to say ‘Please can I play with Daddy now?’ And that people’s feelings can be hurt by words.
It’s a fine line. You want children to be honest but you also need to teach them how to speak to others and that begins at home.
My children fight like cats and dogs but they are not allowed to be unkind to each other.

Surly · 20/04/2020 23:39

My 8yo told me today that I look creepy when I smile and 4 year old says my face is silly. It gets to me tbh as I have low self esteem but they are just kids. They dont mean it.

indemMUND · 20/04/2020 23:48

She didn't mean it. Kids can be so literal when they're little. Mine pointed out yesterday that I've gotten a bit chubby since lockdown then tried to backtrack because she didn't want me to think she meant I was fat. I'm not fat and I wasn't upset, but she was. She also refers to me as "Mrs no eyebrows" but then straightaway counters it with "but you're beautiful mummy". Don't take it to heart, it's not malicious.

Littleshortcake · 20/04/2020 23:54

I can see why you are hurt. It's been going on for a long time and you feel rejected. Remember we all have flaws. All of us. I agree with not allowing bad manners. Hopefully she will mature in time. I have a five and six year old and they are not allowed to be rude. They are sent to their room. Loss of reward (i.e tv) but given a hug and talked to

happinessischocolate · 20/04/2020 23:55

My dd said she didn't think I was pretty at around the age of 5, like you I was hurt and I told her not to comment on what she thought of people's appearances.

My ds at 5 thought I was gorgeous, and interestingly after he says that my dd, who is 2 years older than him, changed her opinion on my looks and decided I was pretty after all.

10 years on my looks are never discussed, other than the occasional "you look nice mum" when I make an effort to go out

Cecesea · 21/04/2020 00:15

They are just kids.
They point out my clothes are awful.
They tell me about my acne, moles and stretch marks.
The only person who pays me the rare compliment is DS. it's true when they say mummy's boy, daddy's girl.
Try joking back "yes but who is the fattest (daddy)" to which we turn it into a daddy bashing session (light hearted)
Chill!

Original poster

user1472662923 · 21/04/2020 00:37

Thank you all, for your honesty. IndemMUND, yes she told me I was still fat after we went for a short walk the other day. Littleshortcake... thank you, yes it has been going on for a long time. It has taken it's toll on me as well as on my and DH relationship. I just need him to sometimes say 'yes, that's crap that she said that' rather than trying to defend the situation all the time. Thanks guys. But how do you know they don't mean it? Only with maturity do you realise you can't really it's not appropriate or socially acceptable to say these things. Doesn't mean people don't think them - difference is that 5 year olds have no filter! Reading your comments though, seems I'm not alone as much as I think I am. She is definitely far more critical of me than DH....despite that he's balding and has buck teeth!

OP posts:

SylvanianFrenemies · 21/04/2020 00:49

I'm sorry this is so upsetting for you. Your reaction is quite strong, are your daughter's comments tapping into some insecurities you have?

You did ask her to comment on your appearance. She's 5. She doesn't get the subtleties. Its not fair to reject and punish her for this.

My DD1 came in when I was in the shower. "Does everyone who has babies get a tummy like that, Mummy" she asked. "Was it worth it?". And later "your teeth would look nice if they were white and straight" 😃. I'm perfectly normal looking btw. Do you know what, kids don't filter very well. They will focus on details that adults don't. It doesn't mean they don't love us. You don't need to be perfect to be attractive, and you don't need to be perfect to be loved.

Scabetty · 21/04/2020 00:51

I work with 5 yos and they can be very mean to each other. I am always surprised that they are surprised when they get told off by teachers. But then lots of adults seem to ‘forget’ to tell them that they are being unkind because ‘they don’t really understand’. Explain to her that our words can make people feel bad, that beauty is from within. Please do not feel you are ugly

GrumpyHoonMain · 21/04/2020 00:57

I think at 5 she is old enough to know her comments have consequences but walking away without acknowledging them is not the right way to deal with it. You should have told her what she said wasn’t nice and why and that the comment hurt your feelings. If at that point she still defended herself you could have removed the story.

Scabetty · 21/04/2020 01:04

Does your dh tell you/her that you are beautiful? She is old enough to learn empathy. Does she notice differences in other people?

ShouldWeChangeTheBulb · 21/04/2020 01:12

My ds asked me if I was evil because I was fat and fat people are always evil apparently.
Sometimes I look at my children and see the differences in them and worry. For example my son has a spinal deformity and my daughter has a unusual facial feature. Even though I notice these things doesn’t mean I don’t think they are gorgeous and wonderful. She may dislike your mole and was honest about that but it doesn’t mean she doesn’t like you. Children just don’t feel the need to tell you the nice stuff.

Friendsofmine · 21/04/2020 01:13

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OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 21/04/2020 01:14

I was just going to ask the same as Scabetty. Yes, she’s a child, but it might help if he said, “but mummy is beautiful and we love her very much.”

Lilolily · 21/04/2020 01:23

My little girl climbed lovingly onto her aunt’s lap, stroked her face and said “aunty, why do you have whiskers?” 😳 We had a good chat about people’s feelings etc and it was forgotten. X

JemSynergy · 21/04/2020 01:26

I have faint freckles and my DD once said she didn't want freckles because she didn't like them. I just found it funny at the time because she was so honest about it. She was only little so I didn't take it to heart. She is 10 now and never comments horribly about people's appearance, she's much more filtered and thoughtful about it all now. My DD is a daddy's girl and he can do no wrong in her eyes.

Bouledeneige · 21/04/2020 01:31

I agree that at 5 we should tell our children ' thats not a very kind thing to say' and that making such comments can hurt people's feelings. And that beauty is not just skin deep.

But I wouldn't read too much into it at 5 in terms of her caring about you or thinking you are ugly. Your DH should have a role here too in saying how beautiful and lovely you are.

I am not a beauty by any means and I have a number of lumpy moles on my face. My daughter once drew a very unflattering picture of me with a huge moon face and then proceeded to point out all my lumpy moles. It was just a truthful portrait! I didn't take it to heart. And over the years I have had so many comments from my DC I don't take any notice - unless its very hurtful which I will call them out on, because its not nice to be unkind to anyone. I don't have a partner to say anything so thats up to me. But I don't base my self esteem on what they say to me.

Scabetty · 21/04/2020 01:33

A pp said that many people find moles ugly. Not ‘unattractive’ but ugly. When I was a child glasses, braces, freckles, red hair were ‘ugly’. Now they are acceptable and even desirable. Cindy Crawford and Vogue ‘forget surname’ have moles and aren’t ‘ugly’. Uf your moles affect your self esteem see your GP about them. Otherwise work on being the best role midel you can be for your daughter

Scabetty · 21/04/2020 01:34

*model

Bobbi73 · 21/04/2020 01:41

When my five year old told my brother he was fat. He didn't know it was rude so I explained to him that it's not polite to comment on how someone looks. We also talked about things that are more important like being kind etc.
I do get it though as a couple of years ago, my son just wanted daddy all the time and not me but now it's all me and not daddy. They change at the drop of a hat.
Try not to punish her for her honest opinion but explain to her that it makes you sad when she says things like that. If you can, it might be a good idea to address some of your issues about the way you look so you don't pass them on to her. I hope you work it out

Original poster

user1472662923 · 21/04/2020 07:53

Friendsofmine, well I'm surprised you have any at all. You're not a very nice person. The way I reacted wasn't very mature but as most people have said, it's understandable. It's not abusive, but your comments are. Thank you for making me feel much worse. Idiot.

OP posts:

MrsBobDylan · 21/04/2020 13:21

I think she is reflecting how you feel about yourself op - when she asked if you think you are beautiful, you need to say yes, I am beautiful.

All children say brutal things sometimes. It doesn't matter what our children think of our exterior, it's how we feel about it.

Also, your Mum shouldn't be mentioning the moles, tell her to fuck off if she ever does it again.

Next time dd says something unkind, don't leave her crying for an hour wanting to say sorry to you. Tell her that he words hurt your feelings, accept her apology and move on.

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