DD thinks I'm ugly

[user1472662923]

Hello. Basically, my 5 yo DD has always, VERY fiercely, been a daddy's girl from age 1. For example, she used to kick and scream if I went near her - she just wanted her dad. Then when she could talk and communicate, she would say things like 'go away mummy, I don't want to see your face'. It has really hurt and on a few occasions I have cried and questioned the point in being present on her life. I've always been quite self conscious about my looks as I have a couple of moles on my face which I've been teased for when growing up. Even my own mum used to make comments. Anyway recently, I thought me and DD turned a corner, especially since lockdown. Dad goes to work as a key worker so it's just been us two and she's been really loving and wanted to cuddle etc. It's been lovely. Then today she wanted to buy some makeup - just a little toy thing from the pound shop. At bedtime I told her to remove the makeup, explaining that she needs to look after her beautiful skin. She said 'are you beautiful mummy?' I said 'I don't know, what do you think?' and she said ' I think daddy is beautiful, not you. You look silly.' I asked her why she thought that and she pointed out the two moles on my face. I had to just leave her with no story or song as I couldn't help feeling upset. She cried for over an hour and kept saying she didn't mean it. I felt awful in some ways as she's only 5. Throughout her whole obsession with DH, he has constantly told me I take it too much to heart and that she doesn't really mean it. But does she? They say what they mean, don't they? In a sense - they're the most honest people of the planet! If crushes me that my own daughter doesn't appear to like me, especially when I know that the majority of children cling to their mum's and not their dads. I don't know what to do to survive this, other than go physically hurt myself as punishment for the way I look! That honestly the way I feel right now, I hate who I am

Also, do you think some counselling would help you? The way you talk about yourself suggests that you don't feel loveable which is making it hard to accept dd's love.

I'm so sorry :( you poor thing op!

One thing I would say op, is do you think there's a chance you're depressed? Sometimes children can pick up on this. Does dh understand how you feel about your appearance and can he support you? It would be good if you can talk to you about how this is affecting your mood and support with disciplining dd.

DD is like this with DH. She's obsessed with me and always takes my side. My theory is that she sees him a safe space and tests him more as I am less tolerant and more emotional than him.

I honestly think she'll grow out of it - at 5 they don't even know what ugly is. But it must be really hard x

I actually have a memory from when I was about 5 of asking my mum why she had a mustache like a man. I thought it was a funny comment and the reason I remember it is because the look of shock and hurt on her face. I thought she was beautiful btw.
She didn't even have a moustache, I just noticed slightly more hair there than on the rest of her face. Kids have amazing eyes. They also crave attention and want to know everything, especially if it is different to something else. Moles stand out. Not a bas thing. :)

It’s not just OPs job to teach her child to be kind and have good manners, her Dh should be stepping up and doing this too. There’s no way my dh would let our ds say unkind things to me, he would address it and explain about using kind words etc.
OP how would you feel if your ds thought it was ok to comment on everyone’s looks? You would be mortified no doubt. Ask Dh the same question, then make a decision that you will both start working on this with your dd.

Don’t take it to heart she is only a little girl, but if the moles bother you and I can understand why if your mother mentioned them to you as a child why not look at having them removed. If they make you lack confidence and feel insecure it might be worth thinking about.

My 6 year old asked me why I had a moustache 🤭 and this was before lockdown.

She's 5 years old which means she has no filter and you are her safe space which means she can say or do things she wouldn't do with someone she felt less comfortable with. Don't take her words to heart of course she loves you.

Try to work on your resilience and communication with your daughter, this was a none issue that could have been resolved easily but was blown up because of your own insecurities.

I don't mean this in a nasty way but tactless 5year olds are pussycats compared to hormonal teenagers who really do try to hurt with their words. You need to find a way to deal with that without causing more upset before she gets to that stage.

Have answered on your other thread (quite a long post, didn't realise you had abandoned that thread). Basically, it doesn't matter if she "means" it- whatever that may mean. What does matter is that you have to understand that you cannot, indeed have no right, to make a 5yo responsible for your mental wellbeing. That is too much of a burden for a little girl and it's setting her up to fail.

When you say "does she mean it"- what exactly do you mean by that? You seem to believe that a 5yo is capable of coming up with some sort of balanced assessment of your relationship expressed as a validation of your outward appearance. You are expecting too much! If she repeatedly says you are ugly, then I would suggest she is feeling uncomfortable because she senses your need to be validated. You cannot use a 5yo for validation! It is not fair on you and it's not fair on her.

Teach her that it is not polite to comment on personal appearance, remind her when she does, never ask her questions that invite her to do so. |Be brisk and cheerful and change the subject. Show her that you are so strong that you can't be shaken by her. And if you don't feel that strong, then fake it. You owe it to your little girl.

For the record, I was teased for my squint and for being fat (though I wasn't) and for my mole. That is my problem and the problem of my bullies (though I expect they have forgotten about it), it was never the problem of my children.

I think there's a couple of different issues here.

Your daughter needs to be brought up understanding that physical beauty is a risk just a contextual fad. The ideal beautiful woman looks extremely different in, say, China or Sweden than in England. Also, throughout history, ideals of beauty have changed. women used to pencil in 'beauty spots' onto their face as it was seem as a sign of beauty!! It would be interesting to teach her about the history and different cultures or beauty so she can u understand that beauty is just a perception rather than a truth and we're all basically brainwashed into what beauty is at this moment in time and place.

There's also the fact that she should be taught that true beauty is within and not external. When she asked if you are beautiful, you could have discussed what true beauty really is. Or said that everyone ie beautiful in their own way. Oe that teue beauty is on the inside.

There's also the issue of manners. Gently reprimanding your daughter for rudeness is important. Explain that her words could hurt people.

Finally, aside from teaching your daughter these lessons, it does sound like, separately, you could do with addressing your own insecurities. If you are this hung up on your own looks, it could inadvertently rub off on your daughter and she could grow up setting more store than she should on physical appearance, realising that you are unhappy with your looks. I'm sure you would want her to associate happiness/unhappiness with appearance. So as a pp has suggested, maybe some counselling? I'm sure you are a beautiful person.

I must have breached the guidelines as my post was deleted so I am sorry for that.

I echo everything @corythatwas says about how to cope with this and why.

I wont comment again!

@user1472662923 luckily the troll post has been deleted already but I can guess at it. There was NOTHING abusive about how you reacted. I think you got it spot on. I understand completely why you feel hurt, and I think you should talk to your DH about presenting a united front and making it clear to her that her comments are unacceptable. She is old enough to know better, but only if he backs you up.

She doesn't think you're ugly. You've been there all her life, and she clearly loves you to bits. She's just going through a daddy's girl phase (which she will absolutely grow out of) and is trying to rationalize it in a classically tactless 5yo way.

Our of interest, have you ever commented negatively on your own appearance in front of her? Even subtly?

She may just be testing boundaries as she is secure in your love for her. She realused she went too far and told you she didn't mean it. Kids have no empathy til much older. My kids constantly telling me I'm old, wrinkly ugly etc. It's pretty normal stuff. Please feel more confident. You sound like a lovely mother

Am always telling my DDs that their looks are lovely but are the least interesting thing about them! And looks are fleeting as we all grow old and wrinkly eventually. Important, i think, for girls not to take being pretty as the be all and end all

Op your little girl doesn't really understand what beautiful or ugly is, not really. She has picked up the idea from you that you are not attractive, because that's what you believe. If you believe it, it must be true, so she believes it. However she needs to learn not to be so rude. As for her preferring her dad, she will probably grow out of that, my ds certainly did.

Please don’t take your daughters comments to heart. My daughter who is now 10 has said the most unflattering things to me and her Dad over the years. We literally would belly laugh over some of the things she said and call her ‘our little charmer’. Only the other day she told me to please have a fringe again as I look bald without one. Previously fat, horrible spots, fat and look pregnant and disgusting bony elbows. I am neither fat, bald and my elbows look average. I can laugh and I mean really laugh at her comments not because I am perfect but because I am happy and accepting of myself and my imperfections. I think maybe you must be pretty low for this to get you down.

I meant to say you must have a pretty low self esteem sorry. Just to add I have a mole on my chin which my daughter would point out and I told her it was my beautiful spot. Children are just curious and we teach them about how to react to things. Hoping you can overcome this and enjoy the closeness you have been experiencing together.

I am really sorry you feel like this, it must be really crappy for you but please don't take it to heart, your daughter loves you so much and will not mean anything you say.
Bullying is shit, and I think even though you think you've grown up, it affects you for the rest of your life so she has just hit a sensitive spot with your moles (which I am sure are beautiful!)
I've got freckles and I've always hated them, to the extent that when I was younger my mum told me when I was 18 I could get a layer of skin removed if I wanted!
I don't have children (yet) but when I was about 13 my cousin about 8, said to me 'what are all them spots on my face' I felt hurt by that but she didn't mean it and my grandad told her they were my freckles and that they were nice etc. I think no matter what age you are, you need someone to make you feel better, so your DH should have said to your DD no mummy is beautiful, her moles make her even more beautiful etc.
Please don't take any of it to heart, I'm sure when she gets older DD would be heartbroken to know how she has made you feel, she really does not mean it! Sending love 💕

I think realistically it always stings when your DC make comments like this but ultimately they dont have a concept of beauty. They just dont . My DC just see mum , they have no concept of whether I am attractive or not.

I say this kindly but yes you are tapping way too much into it and giving it far too much credibility. This is about her testing reactions , figuring out what these concepts mean. I've had the DC say similar things, they dont understand the concept of appearance really, they have heard the concept somewhere and they are testing it.

As pp say I discuss with DC about true beauty. For example we dont use terms to discuss fat or thin etc. We say you are just the right size for a ds1 or ds2 .

I've lost a lot of weight in the last year and am extremely careful to discuss it in terms of health not weight.

I do think it taps into your feelings from the ongoing situation. I totally understand that. In a different way my DC love going to their dads (exdh) and he walks on water (of course he does he doesnt have to get them to do schoolwork or afterschool clubs or take them to the doctor etc etc). I know it's not real, they are starting to see it. They may prefer their dad but frankly it's me or dp they come to because they are scared or sad.

DC can really rip your heart out but it's about stepping back, it isn't real. I would also concur counselling if you can, it's going to be a tough ride if you take everything she says to heart.