What do I do when husband makes daughter sad

[Blue48]

Ok what do I do? My DH is a high earner who considers being a good father is about providing for his family. By way of background he had wealthy parents who gave him a very comfortable upbringing but away at boarding school and I don't see any closeness. He is not bothered/close to his family and rarely sees his. We have been together 25 years since uni and I know he loves me and our two daughters and would lay down his life for them. But he just can't be kind or a softy or ever give them a good word unless it is earned. He nags and criticises. He puts them down. He teases. He can't tell them they are gorgeous or look lovely unless they are wearing something he approves of. At 13 and 11 this isn't often as they have their own style. So he will tell them they look like chavs, say they are ignorant etc. Call them a klutz if they drop/break/spill something. Will put them down intellectually. Will criticise the way they eat, sit. Tell them off for not helping but criticise the way they do if they do. Sometimes these things are said as jokes but they are not funny. It's as though he is so disappointed in them. But I know he isn't. My younger daughter has just told me how sad it makes her. How he sucks the joy out of a room. She wants a daddy who makes her feel special. But she has enough EQ to know that if she says anything to him he will be in a huge mood and say something like "no one loves me or appreciates me" which I genuinely think he feels. I know I am failing my daughters by not sticking up for them enough because TBH I know he will be in a huge mood with me. So I am failing him too. I want to talk to him but how do I do this in a non confrontational way? I think he wants to be loved but despite the girls making him cards and doing dances to cheer him up he doesn't feel it. Help.

You can only tell him how he’s making the girls feel. His reaction is up to him. He either wants to change and improve his relationship or he doesn’t. Change is hard work and often painful. But it sounds like he won’t really have much of a relationship with them when they’re older if he carries on as he is. Sulking is a powerful way to maintain control.

He will be in a huge mood? He’s controlling you and wrecking their childhood.
If he loved you he would try and do better.
Prioritise your kids. Or their whole lives will be defined by him and his negative influence.

Why is he the centre of this - he is abusive to your children, controlling and destroying their self esteem

You cant do it - you need to leave him and put your children first

He’s emotionally abusing them and you’re his enabler, why on earth have you allowed this to continue for so long? So he won’t be in a “mood” with you as well? Terrible.

Your husbands language and behaviour towards his daughters is abusive. He grinds them down and then guilt trips them if they try and say anything. Really nasty behaviour. You’re letting him emotional abuse them because you don’t want his bad moods. Is he cruel to you too?

My Dad also probably loved me but never showed it. Ostensibly harmless but want to spend time with me, struggles to say anything nice. I never felt like he loved me. When he died I wasn’t very sad, because I’d lost nothing without him around. Ask your husband if he’d like his daughters to feel this way about him?

Didn’t want to spend time with me*

Christ. You're just as responsible for his behaviour by enabling it because you stay with him. Put your kids first for fucks sake.

Well, one thing to do is identify some of the things he says and ask if he'd like their husbands to say those kind of things to them all the time. Because he's teaching them that's normal and that's what they should accept. Be interesting to see if that registers with him at all.

Thanks. I needed to get perspective from you. It's hard when you love someone. He's not a bad person but I think is repeating the pattern of his own mother who is not a nice person. If you met him you would see a very alpha male but also an incredible person who is fiercely loyal and reliable which is why he has a constant stream of people he is helping/mentoring. He just can't show it to his daughters. I will speak to him and your language is helpful.

A good person chooses to do better. He’s not a good person.
You won’t change him.
Change your response. He acts like a decent parent or get your kids away from him.
And no. You “loving” him doesn’t make this ok.
Poor kids.

That is not love, that is abuse and you're allowing it. You're allowing him to abuse your children.

It will mess them up well into adulthood. Stop making excuses for him.

It's really upsetting to read what you've been forcing your poor children to endure. What a horrendous way to live.

Their dad hurts them and their mum lets him. Aren't they worth protecting? Because that's what they'll be wondering.

The way he treats them - abusing them - is incompatible with loving them. The idea that he loves them is a fantasy you're maintaining to try and make this situation ok. It's not based on reality.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Stop making excuses for his abuse.

Your poor children.

My father was like this. I envied other girls whose fathers doted on them and thought they were wonderful. My mother never would have questioned it, he was the wise one in her eyes.
I think I see myself through his lens -sometimes- the very way he looked at me was with disappointment and perhaps even disgust? Age 12-18 was definitely the worst, we had no connection.
So you're more tuned in than my mum and able to describe it. I don't know what the answer is but you're on to something.

How to talk.so kids will listen. Faber and Mazlish. And he needs counselling, could.be over the phone, if his childhood is holding him back. This is his responsibility. But yours is to insist he faces up to the issue in concrete way, either reading or engaging in some parenting programme or workshop. Dont enable.

Please don’t assume you won’t change him! He may genuinely not see the damage that can be done. Perhaps gently talk to him...did you mum say things like that to you? Did you feel adored by your parents? How much difference do you think being kind to someone can make? We may not always get it right but we try to be kind to you because that’s how we show we care, I know you love the girls very much but perhaps they only remember the things that sting their feelings, I’m sure you don’t mean to upset anyone but they are learning about the world and need careful tending to flourish and grow

Thanks very much everyone and Rubbergloves I appreciate your experience. I think he needs counselling (and I probably do too) and will have to find a way to approach this. Obviously it's not helping being cooped up together. I am very aware of the point that they will grow up and leave and potentially not want a relationship with him when they can make their own choices and have many times pointed out that he is setting a bad example of the behaviour of men in their lives. I will talk to him and take a look at the book you have suggested.

Wonderrotuna that's spot on. Thanks

Has he done a parenting course? MY DH used to be very critical of our DD (10). It got worse. I begged and begged for him to to a parent course - he said he wouldn't because the parents "weren't like us" . Eventually I gave him an ultimatum - do a course or I'm leaving with the kids. He did an online parenting course (not exactly what I had in mind) by Stanford or Harvard (can't remember which). The change was beyond my wildest dreams. His parenting improved dramatically and mostly he doesn't critique anymore. they can change, but sometimes need to be pushed.

Boarding school can be incredibly psychologically damaging to kids, and they carry the damage into adulthood.

Think about how boys survive boarding school: you have to learn to hide your feelings, hide your weaknesses, take someone down before they take you down, out bully the bully, never show your cards, don’t tryst anyone completely, don’t love too much as you will just be abandoned by those who love you

The bbc had a really interesting documentary about this years ago.

Unless he can see the damage that has been done to him, he can’t understand how to be a different parent/partner. This goes very deep and isn’t something that can be solved in one chat

It is not good you are all afraid of his “moods”, you need to start talking, and keep talking, and maybe get him to have phsychological help

He's very similar to my father. At 33, I don't speak to him and I'm not interested in what's going on with him. My mum was standing up to him, but ultimately he's too controlling and horrible for most to succeed. There are some good things about him, but nothing excuses this kind of behaviour.

OP, I'll tell you one thing. This is causinh untold damage to your daughters and they'll struggle with it openly for the rest of their lives, or bottle it up till one day it explodes. It's extremely unfair on them. You're an adult, it's your duty to protect them. Stop finding excuses and leave him. Trying to fight this off in front of them will not help either. He needs to be left alone to help himself first, before he can have relationships with others.

Settingup that's really encouraging. I will look at this. I wish he would do this but I think he would see it as some kind of weakness. As previous post said I think boarding school has a lot to answer for.

Can you do some positive stuff together culturally ? I would say going to exhibitions together or the park to boat on a lake but obviously since lockdown it’s not possible.
Does your husband have any passions in art or literature that he could share?

Or music that he likes that he can share?

Ulver thanks for that suggestion. Actually they have had some great times playing backgammon and of course it's fantastic when they win as they know for sure he hasn't let them win!