What do I do when husband makes daughter sad

[Blue48]

Ok what do I do? My DH is a high earner who considers being a good father is about providing for his family. By way of background he had wealthy parents who gave him a very comfortable upbringing but away at boarding school and I don't see any closeness. He is not bothered/close to his family and rarely sees his. We have been together 25 years since uni and I know he loves me and our two daughters and would lay down his life for them. But he just can't be kind or a softy or ever give them a good word unless it is earned. He nags and criticises. He puts them down. He teases. He can't tell them they are gorgeous or look lovely unless they are wearing something he approves of. At 13 and 11 this isn't often as they have their own style. So he will tell them they look like chavs, say they are ignorant etc. Call them a klutz if they drop/break/spill something. Will put them down intellectually. Will criticise the way they eat, sit. Tell them off for not helping but criticise the way they do if they do. Sometimes these things are said as jokes but they are not funny. It's as though he is so disappointed in them. But I know he isn't. My younger daughter has just told me how sad it makes her. How he sucks the joy out of a room. She wants a daddy who makes her feel special. But she has enough EQ to know that if she says anything to him he will be in a huge mood and say something like "no one loves me or appreciates me" which I genuinely think he feels. I know I am failing my daughters by not sticking up for them enough because TBH I know he will be in a huge mood with me. So I am failing him too. I want to talk to him but how do I do this in a non confrontational way? I think he wants to be loved but despite the girls making him cards and doing dances to cheer him up he doesn't feel it. Help.

At 13 the negative neural pathways your husband has created for your daughter will be very well worn and will likely take a shit tonne of therapy to resolve.

Save the money you would have spent on backgammon and parenting classes and invest them instead in some decebt child and adolescent mental health support. She's going to need it.

And brace yourself for a string of inappropriate, low life boyfriends over the coming years.

My dad was a bit like this.

He wasn’t at my wedding. He’s never met my husband. He’s never met my son. He doesn’t have my address. I don’t have his. And I don’t intend to change any of those things.

If that’s the future your husband wants, he’s right on course for it.

Sorry, are you actually saying that your husband is being emotionally abusive to your daughters, to the point that they are telling you that they don't feel loved by him, and the message you're giving them is that they need to work harder to make him feel loved by them. Jesus op, that's terrible. You're clearly being abused as well, but fucking hell, time to open you're eyes. Your daughters are being set up for a lifetime of abusive relationships by absorbing the message that abusive men just need to be understood and pandered too and heaped with enough love and praise and then the abuse will stop. It won't. No amount of cards and dressing "appropriately" will stop your husband abusing them. Just like in the future no amount of being a domestic skivy and personal chef will stop their husbands abusing them. And no amount of turning a blind eye to your husbands abuse of your daughters is going to stop him abusing you. Nothing you or they are doing is causing the abuse, and nothing you or they can do will stop it. The only solution is to leave. Even then I'm afraid you can't stop all the harm. My father was exactly the same, even down to going to boarding school, your post honestly could have described my childhood. My mum left when I was 5 so I only got it every other weekend from him. But even so the memory of that treatment dominates my childhood, and I spent most of the month dreading the weekends I had to spend with him. It left me with cripplingly low self esteem, extreme anxiety, an eating disorder and self harm problem, and the belief that I was responsible for fixing men and tiptoeing around their shifting moods. I had to endure many abusive relationships as an adult before I finally broke the cycle. The only difference between my story and your daughters is that my mum stood up for me and left him early on. In the future when your daughters look back on this time in their lives, how do you want them to remember your part in it? Think hard about that question, because you only get one chance to answer it.

Yep, they’re right on track for relationships with boys/men who will treat them like shit because that is what your husband (and you) have taught them. It’s going to be hard to turn this around at their ages now

My father is like this. It left me with crippling self-esteem issues.

I have not spoken to him in over 3 years, he's not met his only grandchild because of it.

He still thinks it's all my mother's fault after the divorce and can't reflect on his own behaviour.

Out of my six siblings, four have gone totally no contact, one gets treated like a scapegoat but doesn't want to upset the apple cart and the last one is desperate to please him in exchange for her golden child status .

The last two have birthdays very close together. My brother, who works with my dad everyday, didn't get as much as a card whilst the golden child got over 100 quid.

My mother was like this and is has affected me and my siblings enormously in adulthood. Every one if us has ended up in abusive relationships and we are all 'people pleasers' who struggle with assertiveness and confrontation.

My mother absolutely loves us, she was just brought up this way herself and knows no other way to parent. She believes her awful remarks to us are a kindness, she is telling us the things that 'everyone else' thinks but won't say to your face. It took me many, many years to accept that actually most people don't secretly think the things that she says - they don't all mentally critique other people and judge them horribly.

My mother does not treat others this way, she is kind and helpful to others, volunteers helping the most vulnerable in society, supports charities, is a hard working law abiding person... And she also spoke to us kindly, gave good advice and has helped us a lot over the years. If she was abusive all the time to everybody it would have been much easier to realise that is is abusive, and has had a very detrimental effect on all of us. My father is a quiet, kind man who will smooth everything over for an easy life. His own mother was very domineering and judgemental, so he has no idea it isn't normal either.

Jesus wept. Your husband's behaviour is the problem and you have posters suggesting kind, gentle ways to help him to be better? Fuck that.

I know he loves me and our two daughters and would lay down his life for them. But he just can't be kind or a softy or ever give them a good word unless it is earned. He nags and criticises. He puts them down. He teases.

So no, he doesn't love them. Or you. You don't do these things to people you love.

He can't tell them they are gorgeous or look lovely unless they are wearing something he approves of. At 13 and 11 this isn't often as they have their own style. So he will tell them they look like chavs, say they are ignorant etc.

So he's trying to control them in what they wear. He's also clearly classist and I'd guess, racist. Is this what you want your children to learn? Also, the next step of course will be start calling them sluts when they wear clothes he considers too revealing. And of course, when they come home from a party upset because a boy wouldn't leave them alone, I'm guessing his response will be, "well, if you dress like a slut, what do you expect."

It's as though he is so disappointed in them. But I know he isn't.

Did he want a boy? Because he certainly doesn't seem to like them much.

But she has enough EQ to know that if she says anything to him he will be in a huge mood and say something like "no one loves me or appreciates me" which I genuinely think he feels.

No, this is a classic controlling tactic. It's entirely possible that he thinks he feels it, but it's rubbish and it's really not your problem, or your DDs that he is has zero emotional skills, is a bully and a manipulative twat.

Also, this sort of argument is bad enough from a man to his partner. But to his DC? God, what happened to the days when parents were supposed to be strong for their children?

I know I am failing my daughters by not sticking up for them enough because TBH I know he will be in a huge mood with me.

Yes, I'm afraid you are failing them. And that's how he wants it. He's got you all walking on eggshells around him while he gets to say and do whatever he wants.

So I am failing him too.

Bollocks

I think he wants to be loved but despite the girls making him cards and doing dances to cheer him up he doesn't feel it.

This actually make me ill. Your children are taking responsibility for his emotional well being.

I have no advice. But I would tell you to open your eyes and see that there is NOTHING you nor your DDs can do here. He needs to change or you need to leave.

I can make a few other predictions as well:

Either you do all the chores/household tasks as he works and is the high earner. OR, he does do some but expects to be praised excessively for any such tasks and will not take any criticism or suggestions if they're wrong. Also very quick to tell you how to do things?

He has no problem being kind and supportive and helpful at work.

You and your DDs instinctively do whatever you can to keep him happy. So if he doesn't like certain music or tv shows, they're turned off when he is near? Ditto food? When he's at work, do you and the girls behave differently/do different things/feel differently?

Absolutely disgraceful that no one is keeping those girls safe, just allowing them to be damaged for life and seek out abusive males in a few years time when they cut you both, rightfully so, out of their lives.
Pandering to the abuser won’t work, he shouldn’t be the theme of the thread, it should be solely about these kids being abused. I speak as the daughter of a woman who put cock before her kid. Unjustifiable.

Does he make you feel loved and special and beautiful? Why wouldn't he want to make them feel that way too.

I'd tell him frankly that if he doesn't buck up they will model their relationships on his behaviour and have low confidence and be vulnerable to abusive men.

I'd also warn him that if he doesn't stop you will be pointing out every single time in fron of the family when he criticises, bullies or puts them down so he can feel as bad as they do.

If he goes on a sulking rampage I'd tell him to leave because he's damaging your children.