Not cut out to be a parent & PND

[Someone1991]

Hi everyone, I was wondering if anyone had been through anything similar and could tell me it gets better.

I had my first baby 7 months ago after a long journey (7 years trying with PCOS, fertility drugs etc). We had two miscarriages and then lost another baby and a fallopian tube to an ectopic pregnancy. However, I was then blessed with my 'miracle'. I didn't enjoy any moment of the pregnancy, everyday was frantically googling and worrying. I did not believe I would end up with a baby and this I think has caused some of my issues (either that or I'm not the loving person I thought I was, which is upsetting as everyone said I would be a brilliant mum).

Since having them and after a traumatic birth (though I am aware most births could be classed as this), my mental health has spiralled out of control and I was diagnosed with PND. I suspect I have had anxiety (and maybe depression) since being a child, but never took pills or anything. When I had my child, it was like the floodgates of past and present emotion opened. I am ashamed to say I felt nothing for them. I wanted my old life back, I was full of panic, regret, dread, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. Motherhood was/is not what I thought it would be. I had a naive idea it would be a 'fairytale'. I was prescribed Sertraline. However, I have now come off that.

I just don't know how to cope with these feelings, everyday is suffocating and all - consuming.

I feel so much guilt and regret for how I have and am treating my child. I can't look at any newborn pictures and I am mourning what should have been a lovely time. Instead it was full of trauma. It is affecting every waking moment. I need help, but goodness knows what. Sometimes I don't want to be alive anymore and I know how not to be here anymore.

Has anyone been through anything similar and does it get better? Please, if you can, share your experiences with me.

Thank you.

@Someone1991 first of all you can’t change the past so stop looking at those newborn pics. Take some new happy ones at a year old. Parenthood isn’t a fairytale no and it’s obvious you have PND still. I can’t talk you through it in one message but if you’d like to PM me I can be a helpful ear and advisor.

I really feel for you, it sounds as if you've had a really rocky start and I'm not really surprised you are feeling like this

A traumatic birth can massively affect how you feel and behave. Has anyone told you about the Birth Trauma Association? They are there to help women just like you.

If you are feeling suicidal does you DH know? Have you told your GP? Could you call your GP this morning? Ours are still doing telephone and video appointments and you do sound as though you need urgent help.

I think Post-natal illness is a risk with birth trauma, have you been in touch with APNI? They are a really good organisation and support women who are struggling. Their helpline opens at 10am today.

I'm not surprised either that the reality doesn't Mach the dream, I cone from a big family and was used to looking after babies but my first was a screamer and nearly broke me. I really, really struggled with the sleep deprivation which was something I hadn't really thought about before having him. Having children is bloody hard work but you will get there with the right support

Same here, happy to chat privately for some support. I didn’t have (or don’t think I did) have pnd but I have suffered for many years with anxiety and triggered depression. I’ve taken several medications over the years - sertraline being the worst for me so don’t be afraid to try different ones, every one reacts to them differently. I, like you thought I’d be a great mother. All I ever wanted for as long as I can remember was to have children. I have a 4 year old and 5 month old - I love them with all my heart and would protect them no end but I still sometimes wish I had my old life back. I don’t enjoy being a mam at all. I find it stressful and worrying and my anxiety is worse than it’s ever been. Your gp can refer you for cbt, I’m doing it privately and finding it helpful; that and trial and error with medication.

What I would say is I believe a lot of things portrayed on fb and social media simply isn’t true and I think a lot more people struggle with motherhood who just don’t admit it.

Please feel free to message me privately xx

I think you are spot on with the social media comment Lara.

Some people put up regular pictures of the wonderful time they are having, but you don't see them crying at 3am without their make-up on because they haven't been to sleep yet, their DH is snoring and they know that LO will be awake for the day at 5am.

It's hard to do but I've unfollowed lots and lots of people, especially in lock-down where some people are constantly posting pictures of the wonderful things they are doing with their children each day.

First I would let go of your expectations. You said "I am mourning what should have been a lovely time" - I am just out of the newborn stage and while he had lots of adorable moments, it was not lovely per se. I was sleep deprived and in pain and scared most of the time. I don't know anyone who had a lovely time at that stage.

Forget instagram and all that crap. None of that stuff is the truth. It really makes people believe that everyone else is having a great day every day and it's just not true. No one's life is like that.

Dealing with depression and anxiety is hard and I don't want to give advice because in the end, it's always the same. Exercise, eat well, sleep, and it's trite but it is trite because it's true.

But what I will say is that when I stopped comparing myself and stopped thinking about how my life "should" be and just accepted it one moment at a time, it became much easier to live. It takes time to learn to live like that though.

I had a terrible birth and still think about it now. I am going to go to therapy to talk about it for a bit I think. It's really hard to get over.

It's not easy. Give yourself a break and allow yourself to feel what you feel.

To receive so many kind replies means so much, thank you for replying. X

@LouiseTrees thank you for that lovely offer, that would be much appreciated. You are right, I need to stop looking at them. I don't think sitting in because of the virus is helping unfortunately. Too much time on my hands. Before having my child, I always kept myself busy with work, which helped. Thank you for your comment. It is appreciated so much. Xx

@JiltedJohnsJulie thank you for your very kind and empathetic comments. I've not heard of that for birth trauma or the other one, so may be worth checking out, thank you. I think my husband may need some support too (though he won't admit it) as he was witness to it and had to help.
He does know I feel like that, but I guess I downplay it to him. He wants to help but doesn't know how. I hate upsetting him. In the early days after the birth I saw a midwife who referred me to the perinatal mental health team. They initially gave me Sertraline and Zopoclone, which was something, but I was and still am unsure of pills. She did suggest a voluntary admission to a MBU but I declined at the time and my husband worried me as said they wouldn't let me out once I was in, but sometimes I wish I had gone as at least I would have got faster help (like talking therapy) and not had it go on and on like this. My GP found out about the PND as they put the medication on repeat. I have seen her since, but downplayed the feelings. Then the mental health nurse I saw left (think she didn't like the job at all) and I have a new one. I've told her I don't know what to do and want to 'run away' and 'not wake up' but I am not sure she knows what to do as she sympathises but I guess unless you follow through, they don't do anything. She knows my 'plan' and how I have felt worse, especially since the 'lockdown'. She is different to the previous one. I am not sure what would help me. I am worried about saying anything to the GP as feel different health professionals react completely differently.
Bless you, it is so hard when they are like that and with sleep deprivation it creates an awful situation.
Also I totally agree about social media. I think that contributed to my idea of motherhood. All these 'perfect' families, do they exist or are most people putting on an act?! How exhausting that must be. Why aren't people more honest, it would prepare women so much. Thank you so much for your nice comments, you are being so understanding. Xx

@Larabelle6 bless you, thank you so much. That is so kind. I will try to find the message option on here. What a lovely offer, thank you. I'm sorry you have also suffered with anxiety and depression too. It is so difficult. Thanks for that, I found the side effects of Sertaline are not great, felt very sick. Perhaps I could try another one. It is so hard, I think when already anxious, having children ramps it up and it's almost uncontrollable. It is so difficult. I wish I had appreciated my childfree life more, but I spent a lot of it yearning to be a mother. I wasted so many years. Also missing my own mum who has passed away. It's made that grief worse. I have been referred for CBT, but 7 months on, no sign. Do you mind me asking if it is expensive privately? Thank you for your help xx

@LoveIsLovely thank you for your comment. You are right. The expectation, which was clearly unrealistic, is not good to focus on. I was so naive, I thought having s child would reset my life and bring me endless joy! I am 29 years old, what an immature way to think. The newborn stage is very hard. You get very little back and all the days roll into one, which is hard. I don't know how I got through it. Thank you for sharing your experience. I think as no one speaks about the problems, I assume everyone else is coping fine and even enjoying it.
I agree about Instagram, it's so addictive to scroll down these 'perfect' images. All these Easter pics, smiling mums who look to have it all together. It isn't helpful so why do I keep looking!?
Bless you, I do appreciate that advice though as it is the small things day to day that can help a bit, but hard to feel motivated.
Did you feel the same, comparing yourself? It's so easy to do, I also find motherhood is a judgemental situation. People always look at mothers and have opinions. It makes me self conscious going out.
I am sorry you had a traumatic birth and glad you will have some therapy. It astounds me how once you have given birth, the mother is 'forgotten' and it is all about the baby. Never mind the physical and mental trauma women have been through. I was snapped at by midwives about breastfeeding when I couldn't keep awake and later needed a blood transfusion they missed. It was an awful birth with some concerning aspects of my treatment too. Birth trauma is so difficult as your child's birth is something you remember always. Thank you for your comment. Xx

If any of you ladies would like to chat it would be great, thank you again, you have made me feel not alone xx

I think as I became a mum at almost 40, I was really past the comparing myself thing. The benefit of age! You really do stop giving a fuck about what others are doing and realise it's all nonsense really.

Also I was already out of university by the time fb came out and well into my 20s by the time instagram did so all that stuff is maybe not as much of a thing to me.

I'm sure people do judge me and that would have bothered me 10 years ago but now I just don't care. Just about my mother in law a little, sometimes, but apart from her, it's whatever. It takes time though.

My midwife was horrible too. I can't even go into it - but just know you're not alone. I try not to think about the day he was born. That's ok though, I have so many other days with him, much nicer ones, so I think about those instead, the first time he smiled, the first time he recognised me, the way he laughs when I tickle him. The day he was born is such a tiny part of his life.

I'm sorry you had a hard time too.

The newborn days are hard but look! You did get through it! Even though it was hard, you survived.

It's awful how mums are forgotten about. I am lucky to an extent because I live in Korea and here you get a nanny for 3 weeks after the birth so she took care of him all day long while I slept. That comes with its own challenges (the guilt for one thing, plus she kept telling me off for crying, the Koreans are not big on emotion!) but being able to recover was such a relief. I don't know how the hell women cope by themselves.

You're doing great. You can talk about your feelings and you are surviving every day.

Sorry to hear about your mum, that can’t be easy. And you’re right; I always thought my anxiety was quite bad until I got married and had children and now it’s a million times worse! I’ve refused the nhs counselling for many years - I found it pretty useless a long time ago, things may have improved but it got to the point anxiety was controlling me and not the other way around so I bit the bullet. In our area (north east) it’s roughly £100 per session. I’ve been on medication for over 10 years so they think 15-18 sessions to help change the way my brain processes things. I’m not sure the cbt thing is doing much at the minute but I feel much better just going and talking to someone although appreciate it’s expensive to just do that!

Current climate and worry and stress going around probably isn’t helping. Sertraline side effects were horrendous. I took fluoxetine through both of my pregnancies and find it’s the best ssri for me, I have other side effects though that just aren’t worth it for me. Currently on a combination of beta blocker and amitriptyline (old school anti anxiety drug) usually works very well but I’m starting to struggle physically with chest pains and symptoms with everything that’s going on so working with gp to maybe add something else or adjust dosage, my counselling is cancelled for the time being. Definitely get a gp telephone appointment though, try another drug and ask about your referral. It’s not you or a weakness, it’s a chemical imbalance in your brain and there’s so much out there you can try. Also - babies are hard! Really flipping hard. I also had a miscarriage in between children so my second pregnancy was just horrendous. I went for private scans almost weekly and just couldn’t get a grip on things but you can’t change the past. You can focus on your future and your beautiful baby xx

Definitely try to keep away from Insta if you can. Lots of these things are staged, plus you don't know what happened before or after the photo. They may have only had those 30 seconds of harmony all day

How are you getting on today @Someone1991? Hace you thought anymore about being frank with your GP?

@JiltedJohnsJulie thank you for messaging today, that's very kind. I don't know what to do, I have been particularly anxious and feeling impending doom today, I don't know what to do. I'm worried about telling the GP. There is so much else going on at the minute, I just don't think there are resources to help. If it wasn't for my husband and son I don't know what I'd do. But they're not enough. Which is horrible I know.im so ungrateful. Thank you for messaging, it means a lot. How are you doing in the current situation? xx

@LoveIsLovely thank you for your lovely message. That is much better way to be! Ah mother in law's can be tricky. I know it's daft to compare, I've always done it, particularly on the infertility journey, such as 'So and so has had two kids by 30', 'They have a lovely house', etc. I am going to make an effort to try to compare less now, but it just seems life is geared that way with all this social media. I am an Instagram fan and although my account is private I end up looking at the public ones and get lost for ages and then once you've clicked on one parent page, they come up more and more.

Sorry you had a horrible midwife. It is so disappointing to have one like that, when others rave about how good theirs was. I had to switch off Loose Women earlier as couldn't bear to watch Stacey Soloman saying how nice hers was. Again, comparison (and jelousy). They're lovely, I think I need to do that. Stop thinking of the birth and focus on now, it just feels so hard.

Thank you for your kindness. I am in awe of mothers now, I really am. Xx

@Larabelle6 thank you, it was a long time ago and I coped ok but having my son has really brought it back up.
Sorry your anxiety got bad after marriage and children. It dawned on me it's almost life a life sentence for worrying, which sounds extreme, but that's how it feels. I don't want my son being like me. I think my mum had anxiety too, we all bit our nails, were nervous, shy etc. So my son will be the same. Hence I feel useless to him.
I've heard very mixed reviews of NHS counselling. My sister had a bad experience but someone else said it was good. It's hard as it seems medication is all they want to give but I fear the NHS talking, counselling etc, is not enough. Perhaps I should look into going private. I agree, I think I just need to talk to someone and someone impartial. Has your husband been supportive? Hope your GP can help with the medication, those side effects must be really hard. It's swapping one problem for another worry.
Sorry to hear you had a miscarriage. I think that really contributes to anxiety in a new pregnancy. I was the same! Going to Window to the Womb, getting extra scans at hospital (I had gestational diabetes, so got extra scans and had an early scan at 6 weeks due to previous ectopic). Then I was in on CTGs all the time. They induced me at 37 weeks on the dot, so I saved three weeks, I was really losing control of my anxiety by the end. I really emphasize, I'd have loved to enjoy my pregnancy. Thank you for your message, it is so appreciated and I don't feel so alone xx

How are you all doing today? How are you finding the lockdown? Xx

Oh God, some MWs are truly horrible. I went in with DC1, was actually progressing quite well for a first birth. Tried to discuss pain relief with a very cross looking MW who came to see me and was told "Giving Birth does hurt, what did you expect". Then she stalked out of the room.

Luckily DH managed to get another MW for me who told me I was 8cm, so not really being unreasonable asking for pain relief.

I've had Counselling through the NHS and ADs after having a partial molar PG a few years ago.

I was in a very dark place, very tired as DC1 didn't really sleep and then I had to get my head around the partial molar and all that it involved.

The ADs and the counselling really, really helped.

If you aren't gelling with the Counsellor, I think it's ok to ask for a different one.

If you don't fancy the NHS Counselling, could you talk to APNI or PANDAS? They are both operated by women who have very similar feelings to you and might be able to suggest things that could help.

Please don't just keep on as you are, you deserve better

I had fairly significant PND with my first, but I didn’t know until my second was born and I was just much better. My first baby was very difficult, always unsettled and I was so overwhelmed. He was probably 6m+ before I actually felt like we had had something resembling a good day. There were times when I hated being a mum and wanted to run away, but paradoxically couldn’t because I couldn’t leave him.

My kids are now almost 6 and almost 4. I still have moments where I feel I’m not cut out to parent, I still have days where I’m snappy or shouty or withdrawn. I struggle to get involved with their play sometimes and I’m bewildered by my friends who just seem to get and enjoy messing around with their kids. My kids are loved though and they love me. I bet other mums think I’m doing a good job even if I don’t!

I’m struggling a lot with lockdown. There is a huge part of me that is quite introverted and I didn’t know that until I had kids. That part of me doesn’t get her needs met at all, and lockdown makes it worse.

This is a lot of me talking about myself but I came on here to let you know what it’s like for me. Maybe you can see that it’s not perfect but it’s ok? You’re in the worst bit, everything has been turned upside down and you don’t get any time or space to be you. You do get used to it and you don’t have to love every moment of being a parent. It’s ok not to be ok

I had acute anxiety during and after a traumatic birth and it is truly awful. Please be kind to yourself- in the best of circumstances this would be a tough time for you - and these are not the best of circumstances for any of us, least of all a mother without all the things that helped many of us cope, like baby groups, visits from friends and family and honest conversations with other new parents. What helped me was taking one day at a time, getting out for a walk with the pram every day and talking to my lovely health visitor and PND counsellor who had both seen and heard and helped lots of other women before me. Don’t feel ashamed or guilty- would you judge another poster who said the same as you? I doubt it. Also, I second the advice to stay off social media if it’s not helping you. People are inclined to create their own narratives on there- it’s amazing in life how often someone who looks like they have it all sorted turns out later to have been struggling and very unhappy. Your relationship with your child will last a lifetime so some rocky weeks and months now don’t determine the rest of it. You will look back weeks/ months/ years from now and remember that you moved on from these difficult times and that things got better. Well done for having the courage to reach out on here and know that you are not alone and that others have been where you are now and have reached the other side of the riverbank.

@Someone1991 I’m very lucky my husband is incredibly supportive. I appreciate not everyone has that support. He’s never experienced anxiety or known anyone close to him have it so he doesn’t understand it but he still does everything possible to support me and make things easier for me. His stepmum is a psychologist so that helps! She can explain it way better than me. Agree with the life sentence - it’s just one worry after another and I don’t suppose that ever stops! Puberty and girlfriends then marriage and kids - hopefully it does get a bit easier though. Medication has been a big help for me; I still don’t feel I’ve found the right one or right combo but I’m confident I will. It’s not going to “fix” my mind, that will only come with therapy but it does help all of the physical symptoms I get and keeps me calmer. I had two awful pregnancies but 2 easy births (and recovery), little one is only 5 months and doing well but my son has been a nightmare since he was very very young. He has his dads mind and is incredibly bright for 4 but with that comes frustration that he can’t do more and then the tantrums! He’s just started sleeping through the night at 4!! He’s really hard work and has me in tears most days but then we have good days and he’s the sweetest most adorable little boy ever. I think you’ve done a lot of the hard part already, you may not have enjoyed it but you’ve done it. They definitely get easier as they get older and if you can get the help you need mentally you’ve a lot of good times ahead. I take by asking about my husband your husband isn’t very supportive? I think it’s tough for them. And hard for them to understand but post natal depression and post partum psychosis and all the other things post pregnancy are very very real and more common than people think. I was monitored quite closely during and after births as I was high risk but I think I got away with it. I feel mentally broken but not depressed. I also get the not wanting to be here. I freaked my husband out the other night talking about corona virus how if I got it and died - I’d be ok with that. I don’t want to die and I’m not suicidal but I’m not afraid of death - id be free from this mental torture. That’s the only way I can explain It. There’s a line at the end of the twilight film “death is easy, it’s living that’s hard” And that’s how I feel - I find life really really hard and that was before kids! And absolutely no reason for that other than my brain!! I think private counselling would be a good place to start and confront everything you’re feeling and talk it through with someone impartial like you say, someone who understands what you’re going through. Just message me if you ever want to chat xx

@Wavingnotdrown1ng @homeschoolchaos totally agree. We’re not counsellors or gps but we can give you our experiences and what helped (helps) us and just let you know you are definitely not alone xx

Oh, I feel for you so much. Like you, I had longed to be a mum and thought it would be so wonderful. When I gave birth, I felt nothing. I didn’t cry (despite everyone telling me I would), I didn’t instantly fall in love and I was more than happy when friends and family took her so I could feel like I wasn’t restricted anymore. I went through a couple of traumatic things in the 2 weeks after birth (not related to birth in any way), so I think this exacerbated my feelings.

I completely agree with everyone saying not to compare yourself to anyone else, and to try and take as much pressure of yourself as possible.

I remember dreading my husband playing football on a Sunday as it meant I’d be alone again, and I just couldn’t face the monotony, loneliness and pressure to educate her (she was 8 months old, but this is how irrational I’d become!!).

I know everyone’s journey will be different, but when my daughter started to walk and talk (approx 11 months), it was like a weight had been lifted. We could communicate. We could have adventures together. We could begin to do all the things I’d imagined motherhood would be!

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve still found it hard and I’ve never been able to shake the irrational pressure I feel to make every thing contain an educational element (that’s obviously my weird foible!), but the bond I have with my firstborn is SO strong now. We adore each other.

I’d be lying if I didn’t get pangs of thinking she deserved someone better when she was a baby (someone more patient, someone who enjoyed the middle of the night cuddles (?! Sadists!!)), but I’ve accepted I’m just not a newborn person. It’s a means to and end, and that’s ok.

Sending you lots of love. I doubt lockdown is helping the feeling of being overwhelmed. X

@JiltedJohnsJulie it's not on for them to be so rude and snappy when women are in a vulnerable position, needing reasurrance, to be spoken to like that is awful. It is something you never forget as well. It's like, we know it will be painful, but would anyone be expected to go through other physical pain without pain relief? Don't know why they say unhelpful things like that.
I'm sorry about your partial molar pregnancy, I have heard of those and what happens, that must have been truly awful for you both.
I'm worried about asking for another one. She was meant to ring this week, but haven't heard from her. I feel as though i am an unnecessary burden to her and the perinatal mental health team at the moment. You know when you get that feeling?
Thank you for those sites. I will have a look. It has already helped reaching out on here. I did not expect to get so many nice responses.
Women are amazing! Xx

@homeschoolchaos thank you for commenting and for sharing your story.

Wow, poor you, how did you get through those 6 months struggling like that with no support? That must have been so so difficult. That's exactly how I feel. I want to run away, but my son is here, so what do you do? It is horrible feeling like this, especially when he was a much longed for baby. He is very unsettled too, I feel anxious as soon as I wake up in anticipation of the day. It is relentless. Today has involved shaking rattles at him for what felt like most of the day. As soon as I stop he grizzles. Then I start thinking there is something wrong with him. That I caused it. I want to feel that rush of love but I don't and I don't think I will ever feel like a natural mother. How do you cope with being an introvert? Do you make yourself do things?
I just need to cope with the fact that although I have a son I can still do things for me. I just feel a loss of identity, feel like a new person and that's taking adjusting as well.
Thank you for your kindness xx

@Wavingnotdrown1ng thank you for your comment and kindness, it is so appreciated. Sorry you have also experienced anxiety after a traumatic birth. It is so emotionally and mentally exhausting and scary to have a newborn but still be reeling from the birth, then having no sleep, feeding etc.
Thsts true, I wouldn't judge another person, I guess I thought I was the only one who felt like this. No one ever speaks about it. When we have mentioned bits to friends they look shocked, like there is something wrong with us (when we mentioned the birth and the lack of sleep etc).
That is true, it is harder not being able to do things. I go for my one walk a day but would love to go for an evening walk alone when he is in bed. It is such a difficult time.
Social media has a lot to answer for! Why aren't people more honest? Why are we all portraying a false image of life. I need to get off Instagram!
Thank you for your kind words, it has helped so much xx

Well, for starters, I didn’t really know any different, but also there were many happy moments, just took a long time for me to feel that rush of love and not to be dreading certain parts of the day. I also had mapped out the good baby groups (the ones that were friendly with good cake), but that’s not going to help you right now. I too had a traumatic birth and both mind and body were broken for a while.

Most of these things fixed themselves with time. I got used to things. Going back to work helped me (even though I sobbed leaving him), slowly getting more sleep helped. As they get bigger they give you a bit more space, but sometimes I just put a film on and hide in the pantry eating chocolate biscuits

I guess the point is, that probably my life looks pretty perfect from the outside. And in many ways it is. But it’s still ok for me to find being a parent hard. I know that some of my friends would say I’m a good parent, mostly I try to be the best parent I can 70% of the time and go easy on myself for the rest. Some days I even manage 90% perfect!