Not cut out to be a parent & PND

[Someone1991]

Hi everyone, I was wondering if anyone had been through anything similar and could tell me it gets better.

I had my first baby 7 months ago after a long journey (7 years trying with PCOS, fertility drugs etc). We had two miscarriages and then lost another baby and a fallopian tube to an ectopic pregnancy. However, I was then blessed with my 'miracle'. I didn't enjoy any moment of the pregnancy, everyday was frantically googling and worrying. I did not believe I would end up with a baby and this I think has caused some of my issues (either that or I'm not the loving person I thought I was, which is upsetting as everyone said I would be a brilliant mum).

Since having them and after a traumatic birth (though I am aware most births could be classed as this), my mental health has spiralled out of control and I was diagnosed with PND. I suspect I have had anxiety (and maybe depression) since being a child, but never took pills or anything. When I had my child, it was like the floodgates of past and present emotion opened. I am ashamed to say I felt nothing for them. I wanted my old life back, I was full of panic, regret, dread, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. Motherhood was/is not what I thought it would be. I had a naive idea it would be a 'fairytale'. I was prescribed Sertraline. However, I have now come off that.

I just don't know how to cope with these feelings, everyday is suffocating and all - consuming.

I feel so much guilt and regret for how I have and am treating my child. I can't look at any newborn pictures and I am mourning what should have been a lovely time. Instead it was full of trauma. It is affecting every waking moment. I need help, but goodness knows what. Sometimes I don't want to be alive anymore and I know how not to be here anymore.

Has anyone been through anything similar and does it get better? Please, if you can, share your experiences with me.

Thank you.

@Larabelle6 that's great your husband is supportive and helps makes things a bit easier. That must be interesting hearing what his stepmum has to say. What a job!
It is so hard to even imagine how I'll be when he is grown up, like doesn't bear thinking about, the worries if he has no friends, goes out clubbing, etc. It is too much. I think I need to give some more pills a go. Today I feel my heart pounding, feel overwhelmed and I guess on the Sertraline I was on for 2 months, did ease that, but it made me nervous like my personality had changed. To lose my anxiety was like losing me. I don't even know if that makes sense!
Oh bless you, that must be exhausting. And to have a 5month old as well. How are you coping with the lockdown?
It has been tricky with my husband. That is hard to admit as he is so loving and caring, just a bit bossy I guess, if that doesn't sound harsh! When I was very unwell soon after giving birth and blurted out stuff to the MH nurse, after he told me not to say anything bad as they'd lock my away. He has often spoken on my behalf as I am shy, but when they made me see a psychiatrist after that low point, she let him speak and he said I was eating, sleeping normally (not true) and looked at me me if I went to say anything. So we walked away with her thinking I was fine. Later, when I spoke to the MH nurse on my own, I'd try and be on my own with her by encouraging him to go for a walk and she said about the MBU but he wouldn't agree to let me go and he had to as he has parental control so I looked around but couldn't go. Tbh I am not sure about it but I may have been better now, who knows. I think he was worried about me being sectioned. Hence why I don't tell him how I feel now, it's not worth it.
You sound like me! It is relief of the mental torture, it is absolutely exhausting and relentless and I've felt the exact same, so I really empathize. That quote is spot on! I've always found life hard too, but somehow muddled on, until now!
Thank you so much for your kindness. I am relatively new to Mumsnet but will try and find the message bit! Thank you again, always here if you want to chat too! Xx

Hi someone! I had PND after the birth of my daughter almost 6 years ago, with previous miscarriages and a traumatic birth as contributing factors.

I too used to look back at photos of my daughter when she was a baby, and grieve for the loss of a ‘normal’ experience. I found the early days (until she was almost a year, for me) such a struggle and I constantly worried about not feeling the way I should towards her. I think that as time has gone on, my perspective has changed. She is the light of my life, and always has been. I was unwell and needed help, and I did get better..

I am a little bit concerned about some of the things you’ve mentioned about your husband in your post above. It sounds as if he is trying to protect you, but it is vitally important that you are able to have frank and honest conversations with MH professionals. You need the level of support that you need to manage your PND, and if he’s downplaying things it’s not going to help you in the longer term. I know (from my own experience with my DH) that he’ll have your best interests at heart, but you must get the help that you need, even if that is a MBU.

Sending you lots of love!

@TheEndIsBillNighy thank you for commenting and sharing your experience. You sound just like me. I'm sorry you also felt that way and had two lots of trauma after, I couldn't imagine having had anything else to contend with.
I assumed there would be that rush of love when he was placed on me, but when he was put on me I froze, I didn't know what to do. I didn't feel anything except terror and sheer exhaustion! He was later taken to NICU and I didn't want to go near him. Not normal, I know. I was so sleep deprived I think I was getting delirious, but somehow put on a front until I got home.
Oh bless you, I can totally understand that. I still can't be alone with my son for long, it sends me into a blind panic and sense of dread. It is not fair on my husband. He needs some time to do things too. Did your friends have kids too? None of mine do, so I feel like I've done something outlandish and there's no one to speak to about it.
I'm glad things felt easier as your daughter aged and you have a great bond! I hope I will feel like that too, he still feels like a stranger sometimes, I can't believe he came from me. It is bizarre!
That's a good way to see it , I need to realise I am not s newborn person butnthst I don't need to best myself up over it. Ah the nighttime cuddles. If anyone said one more time to embrace the night feeds as well as 'sleep when the baby sleeps', I wouldn't be able to listen and not say anything!
Thank you for your kindness and reply, it has eased my anxious brain a lot tonight coming on here xx

@NeedaDiscoNap hi! Thank you for commenting and reading my posts. I'm sorry you have also experienced PND. Do you mind me asking what help you got? You don't have to say of course. Thank you for sharing your experience. Perhaps it is the PND making me feel this way and the bond will come, it's just hard to see it at the moment. I'm glad you did feel better.
It is really hard with my husband. He is very personable, likeable and good at speaking to people. He doesn't know most of what I say to them as I go on the bedroom and speak with the door shut or encourage him to go out. I did blurt out two weeks ago that sometimes I think about running off with my son to the MH nurse, but she thought I meant doing harm to him as well as me. I soon corrected that. I just said I feel suffocated in the house. No one understands. I am trapped in this life and there's nothing that can be done. The MH nurse asked if I thought I needed hospital, I said I don't know, then she just said how she didn't agree with them and it would help my husband's bond with him. I don't know what I can do. Sorry for offloading all that to you. Thank you for allowing me to xx

Wouldn't help*

It’s bound to be difficult coping with twins. My friend has twins and she struggled till they were about three. They’re a bit more independent now and they’re delightful.

The trick is to not compare, get off social media if you find that hard and then look at your good points. I am a rubbish cook, don’t do anything instagram like at all. Never baked a single cake with my Son and my hobby’s are lying down 😂. I also swear far too much and let him watch YouTube vids that are probably ridiculously age inappropriate. However I’ve got some good points too. Not a shouter, relaxed parent, calm house etc.

It’s all swings are roundabouts. Think about your good points!

In terms of wanting your old life back. That does get easier. It’s so overwhelming that first year. I used to feel like the baby was my shadow and I lived him but I found it very hard to adjust to the fact I was now never aline. You’ll get used to that soon. Good luck, time will make things easier .

@homeschoolchaos finding a good baby group will have to be something I do, I'm just so painfully shy. Got to stop that!!

Hiding away eating biscuits sounds good! I'm worrying about going back to work. How do women manage it all!

Thank you for sharing, you sound like you are doing a great job. I was told we only need to be good 30-40% of the time so you are doing amazing!

Thank you for helping me xx

@Fuchsake, oh sorry I think it sounded like I had twins, as referred to my son as 'them'. Wasn't going to give away gender as got paranoid someone would know it was me! But just the one. In awe of your friend, having two, I can't even imagine xx

@Gtugccbjb thank you for your comment! You do the right thing by not being on Instagram, it is so addictive. I need to stop.
That is a good idea, to look at good points. Great hobby! Hehe. I can concur on that one! I didn't realise how much I liked sitting down and relaxing, now I have a constant backache from lifting my son. Thank you, I hope it will get easier, it's adapting to a whole new life! Thank you for commenting xx

I think as the lockdown has been extended, the panic is rising. It has been all day and nights are the worst. I need to calm down, I don't know what to do, I'm so scared, nothing can help me 😥

Nighttime is hard if you’re feeling isolated. How is baby’s sleep? And what arrangements do you have? My babies were breastfed and I actually slept with them (DS1 from about 8 months), DS2 in a side sleeper, then with me from probably 7-8 months again. That made night feeds less disruptive to my sleep. I find that good sleep is key to being ok.

You have had a really rough time. I’ve been there. DS1 was a horrible forceps delivery, and then he refused to breathe. They took him away to NICU and I saw him about 5 hours later, and only because a dr friend came in and made a fuss. I had no way of knowing he was my baby, I felt he could have been anyone’s! I was so uncomfortable from the delivery for weeks after, and could t sit properly for months. All of that was contributing to the way I was feeling. You need to be kind to yourself, you’re doing a good job.

You do need friends. I had quite a few friends with slightly older babies, but gosh those six months made a difference - they were weaning whilst I was trying to crack feeding, their babies were starting to sleep. It wasn’t until I found new friends with similar aged babies that things got better, and some of them are friends still. It’s especially hard on all new mums with lockdown, but there are quite a lot of online classes. Even free ones at the library. Once lockdown is lifted then look for a church baby group, they usually have good cake!

Going back to work was unthinkable but it gave me my identity back. I had felt so lost and invisible. Strangely, I’m feeling this a little bit again with lockdown, I think it comes from the endless cooking/meal prep/laundry/cleaning that I’m doing. I’ve disappeared into a role once more. It’s ok to do some things for you!

One that might make you laugh: when DC2 was about 6 months I had to have an MRI. I was so so excited just to get 30 minutes where nobody could bother me or ask for a snack or tell me they needed a wee. I’m chuckling at the memory now but it was very real at the time.

Yes, there are things to help you. You need to go back to the GP and your HV and tell them how you are feeling - this is not unusual, it’s just that many people don’t talk about these feelings. It might help you to read about Generalised Anxiety Disorder ( aka GAD), the compulsive thoughts aspect of OCD and catastrophic thinking ( the worries about things you can’t possibly control, like what your child will be like as a teenager etc). I’m pretty sure that pregnancy hormones really kick off anxiety for a lot of us and if you have suffered with it anyway then you are much more likely to have an overdrive episode of it postpartum and in the middle of a terrifying global situation that none of us have a roadmap for. You were not on antidepressants very long at all- they take at least six weeks to work for most people and the minimum period to stay on is usually six months. I wonder whether some of your feelings and physical reactions are due to coming off Sertraline, compounded with lack of sleep and the fact that everyone is stressed atm. There are a lot of other ADs to try, some of which are compatible with breastfeeding. I was told that most people are a ‘good fit’ with some ADs and not others. I also think you are unsurprisingly struggling with not having a second to yourself. Go for a second walk by yourself, even if it’s for 10m around the block . I bet your partner does several things a day that he enjoys on his own and so should you, whether it’s having that walk, having a bath or driving to a petrol station and reading a magazine and eating a bar of chocolate on your own for 30m. Let me say again, just because people don’t talk about mental health issues doesn’t mean that many people don’t suffer from them and get better/ learn to manage them. Please don’t worry about health professionals’ opinions of you - they want to help you and they can help you. I understand your partner’s worries but what you are going through is not unusual. Part of you feeling so unhappy is that you are not able to speak your feelings and are having to act a role and are feeling like you shouldn’t feel what you feel. Many parents, fathers as well as mothers, struggle with parenting - look at the shedload of posters whose kids are driving them up the wall currently. You are being a good parent by reaching out on here and having the self- awareness to know that you need help and support from others. I also wonder if it feels a bit taboo to admit these feelings as a person who had a long and difficult journey to have a baby? Well, it’s not and I know my own sister, who struggled for years to have her DC had the feelings you describe - the Mumsnet adage is true- this too shall pass. Again, sending you and a chocolate and film emoticon!

I was in your position several years back. Very similar situation, and also very traumatic birth. My PND was bad and I pretended everything was ok for a good 6 months. I'm very concerned that you were only on the sertraline for 2 months, this is not long enough to do any permanent good, in fact you are even more likely to struggle having come off it so quickly. I was given fluoxetine (Prozac) which I was on for more than a year but it made a huge difference. Yes it made me feel quite sick for the first 2 months (eating 2 slices of toast with the meds helped me feel less sick), but then I got used to it. According to my GP it is more effective for PND than most other anti depressants. I also paid for CBT privately - I had about 6 sessions at £60 each (home counties tho so expensive) but it also made a huge difference to how I thought about everything, and made me realise how unreasonably high my expectations of myself were.
Please go back to your GP, maybe ask your doctor surgery if they have a person who specialises in mental health or PND (quite often there is a GP who is more interested in working with these patients, so you get better care)
It's awful having PND, you need to give yourself a massive break and just work on tiny achievements. I started by working on just getting out of bed, then I gradually added more tasks to the list, brushing my teeth, getting dressed, eating something for breakfast, etc. It will get better, but only with help and support, and probably medication.