Childcare Options and clashing with grandparents on parenting style.

[Wannabemummy25]

I'm just wondering what experiences MN users have had with childcare options? Specifically getting Grandparents involved. Has anyone had grandparents do the main bulk of childcare during the working week rather than sending your little one to nursery or a childminder?

I'm concerned with straight from maternity leave so when baby is about 6 months to a year depending on how long you have off? My mum has offered to care for future babies 3 days a week and both DH and I will drop down to 4 days a week in work so we can do the other 2 days. I like this idea as if I'm going to miss milestones by being at work I'd prefer someone I trusted implicitly (my mum) to be caring for said child and not a nursery or childminder I don't know.

However, DH is concerned as we have different parenting methods to my mum and have sometimes had bad disagreements with her about other things (unrelated to children as we don't have any yet, but an example would be our wedding planning). Also, we will be trying our best to follow positive parenting methods and think that my mum might find this stupid/she has the opinion that she is always right. As we want to do things slightly differently to how my mum would, DH he is worried this will cause tension if we try to ask my mum to do things differently as she will say "what do you know, I've had 2 kids (my brother and I) so I know better" and will be prone to saying "you're doing it wrong".

I don't want to spend the first few years of babies life treading on egg shells for fear of my mum being offended and then deciding she doesn't want to care for grandchildren again! It would also mean her living with us for 3 nights a week as she lives about 4 hours away, which DH doesn't like the sound of!

Anyway just wanted some advice on general childcare and clashing with parents on how you parent and how you deal with it!

You need to listen to your DH. He doesn't want your Mum living with him 3 days a week and he doesn't want her caring for his baby. I think he had legitimate concerns.

If your DM was nearer I would suggest that she does one day a week but as she would have a 8 hour round trip, this seems impractical. What would happen too if she was ill or snowed in or her car broke down?

Personally I'd start thinking about Nurseries and Child Minders.

Sounds like a bad idea...

That's a no from me too
Just pay for childcare

Does your mum even want to do it?

I worked 3 days a week and parents had them one day and nursery two days - I didn't want my parents doing to much and resenting dgc I wanted them to enjoy it, I also learnt very early on to pick my battles you can encourage them to do things the same as you but they don't have to so the things that were priority I brought up everything else I had to accept it was OK for us to do things differently.
Some things you can get round so I made all meals for dc so I knew what they were eating.
I would have a cut off time that apart from times of illness I'd ask not to have a nap after a certain time, I'd tell them current routine but never expect them to stick to it rigidly.
My dc no longer need childcare but have great relationships with my parents.
It also helped when I was hospitalised for many weeks they moved in took over the care and knew what they needed.
I think childcare is difficult to balance all 3 had two days at nursery from 7 months /14 months and it hasn't harmed them. However having that mix has given them both the structure of a childcare setting and the family time in order to build lasting bonds.

Pay for childcare. Your scenario sounds like a very bad idea.

For me, the distance issue is an instant no. It would be such an upheaval every week to have your mum turn up for three nights and to have her in your home every week 24/7 for those days. It might start ok as everyone wants to make it work, but before long you'll be annoying each other and nit-picking. Also, if you get to a point where you want it to end, how easily will your mum give up her new routine? Grandparent care for a couple of days a week is not a bad idea, but not in your set-up.

This sounds fraught with difficulty. I'd pay for childcare and use your mum as emergency back up.

OP that sounds difficult for both you, DH & your DM. Consider it this way your DM would be living with you all fir almost 50% of the week. That's a big life change for your household & her. Is she working/retired/in a relationship? How would it work if she was single now and started dating?

What will you do if she is too ill to take your DC or has a commitment in her home city during the days you expect childcare?

How will finances work, will you pay her expenses as her travelling costs will be high? If not will you pay her for the childcare itself?

My DC are with my PIL one day per week, they love it and it's great for their relationship. However it works well as we have similar parenting styles. I heard alarm bells as soon as your post said that was a concern. Don't sacrifice a good relationship with your DM for childcare. Instead plan how she can be an amazing DGM to the baby while living far away

Your husband is right. Look at the end of the day your baby is yours and that means arranging for and paying for childcare without relying on what is potentially a very dysfunctional family member. When you have a child arrange for a nursery that will send you photos and videos and reports of milestones / day to day life (I bet your mum wouldn’t).

Fastest track to ruining your relationship. Look after your own kids and that includes organising paid childcare

Start to look into local childminders. Meet some, form some binds. They can vary but get someone on a similar wavelength

That's a massive ask of your mum. You'd really let her do that? Has she no friends, hobbies, holidays? You're going to be so beholden. My DM did next to no childcare and they were all well bonded enough.
Pay for childcare.

Make the decision to Pay for childcare. Good high quality well-researched childcare.

Do not count proverbial chickens before they hatch. This is far too detailed to get wound up about when you’re nowhere near the bridge you’re worried about crossing. All may be fine. You may struggle to conceive. You may feel differently. You may have a spectacular/hideous postnatal period. All things could happen pushing this specific issue to back burner.

Sorry just read - living with you three nights?! Unless you’re from a culture where this is ok and usual this is a recipe for disaster.

That’s a massive, massive no from me too. She’ll think they’re her children and she’s in charge.

Also, do you want her living with you for the rest of her life? What happens when the children no longer need live in care? Do you think she’ll just stop coming? When she’s used to seeing you all the time?

Also how would holidays work? Would you DM want to move in full-time during the school holidays? Initially would you be five taking your annual holidays to fit around your DM?

Sounds like a recipe for disaster. Pay for childcare and if your DM is keen to help, there's always the chance to babysit for you to have a night out!

That's a no way from me. Too much of a commitment for everyone involved.

Team dh here, all the way.
Even before I got to the bit where you said she would be coming to stay with you.

Just don't even think about it.

Save her offer for those times when (s)he / they can't go in to Nursery due to illness, or to help out covering school holidays when your leave doesn't stretch.

The differing parents styles just mean it won't work.

My mother provided part-time childcare for all three of my children, over a seven year period. At the outset it seemed like a win-win-win for everyone (she was close to retirement and feeling a bit lost, I had trusted, flexible childcare, and my children were looked after by someone who adored them). I thought I had a good relationship with her, and shared the same opinions on parenting. We also paid her (at roughly at childminder rates).

Ten years later, my advice would be don't do it. She gradually became more and more enmeshed in our lives and I found it absolutely suffocating. It bought out issues around my own crappy childhood and she simultaneously seemed to resent our reliance on her while being adamant that they shouldn't go to any form of paid childcare, ever. Obviously that is a big simplification of a complex situation, but sadly the outcome is that our relationship has been damaged and I don't think will ever fully recover.

Given that you already have very different views on parenting, and the added issue of her needing to stay with you, I would urge you to think very carefully before going down this route, because as other PPs have said you will be setting a pattern for your relationship that will extend way beyond your children's early years.

You should have mentioned the living with you for three days a week in the first sentence... that in itself spells disaster, especially if you already think there will be clashes regarding parenting methods. I understand leaving a child with a virtual stranger can be daunting - but you’ll find that many people manage this way very successfully. I would look into it a bit more before moving your mum in for half the week.

MIL had ours for just one day a week, it was an absolute nightmare as she was always right, had no regard to our views. Every mile stone achievement was all her doing. Was so pleased when they started school and she no longer helped.

Yeah this sounds like a terrible idea

MIL had ours for just one day a week, it was an absolute nightmare as she was always right, had no regard to our views. Every mile stone achievement was all her doing.

I think this is why finding a childminder or nursery would be better, the boundaries are clear. With grandparents I don’t think it’s as clear cut - there seems to often be an element of wanting to be third parent. Our parents live too far away to help out, but even if they didn’t I wouldn’t want this kind of conflict and interference. And I say that although they are all fantastic grandparents.

Hell no way is having your Mum staying 3 days a week a good idea!!!

I would always say one day a week with family means they can maintain their grandparent or aunty role, more than that and they need to be on board 100% with doing things your way.