Daughter refusing to talk to us and it's her birthday

[shuuush]

My daughter is refusing to celebrate her birthday or talk to us because we made her stay in.
I've just sent her little sister up with her cards and she threw them back at her.

AIBU to totally ignore her tantrum and not beg her to open her cards and presents, and I know she must be finding it hard staying home but so is most of the world 🤷‍♀️.

She's 17 today btw.

You’re doing the best you can here with such an unreasonable child to deal with however I wonder whether this is a manifestation of anxiety? This behaviour is completely abnormal for a 17 year old and I doubt she’s just being a brat for the sake of it. You can get your GP to call you/do an online appointment. She might appreciate a bit of help.

OP leave her be. She is making the CHOICE that this is how her birthday will go. You've done all you can do in the situation.

It's understandable that she's upset but this is not an ok way to behave towards anyone.
And fwiw - I think you absolutely did the right thing standing in her way to prevent her leaving.

You do exactly as you have been doing. If she's too selfish to consider the danger her behaviour could pose to her family then she needs to be forced to comply.

It's not anxiety I can hear her up there now laughing away to friends on FaceTime she's just been very obnoxious and rude.

I'm going to get on with my day and she can do what she feels best.

Does she not understand how her father could be affected? It is difficult to believe she has really understood that some people, including him, are much more vulnerable than others and how easily this virus seems to spread. Do you think there might be any point taking her through it again and pointing out how desperately worried you are?

She is acting like a brat..... I cannot believe the people suggesting you reward that behaviour. Yes, it’s a shitty time to have a birthday but it ain’t your fault. She needs to suck it up, get over her strop and apologise to her siblings and to you..... THEN you can move on and make the best of a bad situation. If she does not then it’s her own silly fault and hopefully a lesson learned. Stand your ground and get on with your day.

She told me everyone was overreacting.
She is certainly aware that her dad is disabled and vulnerable.

My friends DD turned 18 on Friday ,and had a jolly evening in with Ma and Pa! Completely understood .My own DD has a new BF and for their 1st date skyped and talked about TV shows! Try not to be too upset ,She is only young and obviously feels annoyed that her birthday plans which she has probably looked forward to, have been spoilt. Leave her for a while, if she does come round have something nice to eat and a cake and maybe plan a trip to the Cinema/Theatre /meal out when this is over.

I’d carry on with your day and let her stew in her own grumpiness

As someone who had a disabled dad at 17 I have a tiny bit of sympathy for her. It’s not that if he wasn’t disabled you’d let her out (it sucks, thems the rules alas) but it gives you a particular reason to say no. But when I was a teenager it was just another example of how our life was crap compared to everyone else’s and I just wanted to be able to do everything everyone else could. Are her friends’ parents being strict about the lockdown too?

I’d be kind to her as and when she thaws - you’re only 17 once and it’s crap - but at the end of the day there’s nothing you can do about it so I wouldn’t go apologising too much, it’s hardly your fault and I imagine it’s pretty bloody hard on you too (not that as a 17 year old I appreciated this. If it helps I really do now...!)

I am a strict shouty parent but I would say treat her with kindness today. Let her be - she’s obviously really sad and upset. It’s probably the end of the world to her to not see her friends and have normal birthday stuff going on

Yep. Let her be. We're all stressed as hell at the moment. It's not like mature adult women have been covering themselves in glory all over mumsnet for the last week.

She's taking it out on the wrong people of course, and I feel sad for her sister. But she'll come round. And if she gets to laugh and chat with her friends for a while, hopefully that'll bring her out of her mood all the quicker.

I have a 17 year old and whilst she is lovely mostly - she can be self-centred and bratty at times. I do feel for this age group - I think it is especially hard to have your freedom taken away just as you're gaining more and more. And they're at a developmental age where they are supposed to be separating from their parents and finding their own tribe.

Hopefully, if she is like my DD, after a bit of empathy and being left to stew in her own self-pity, she'll come out the other side with some gesture of kindness.

She knows her Dad is on the 12 week list and she’s still tantruming like a toddler. Fuck that.

I get that it’s hard for teenagers. They’re sociable, their friends are their life (or so the think) & yes, it’s shit in her birthday.

But I’d actually make her watch some of the footage from Italian Doctors distressed because they’re having to choose who dies/doesn’t get a ventilator.

Show her the footage of the inside if the EXEL hospital. I thought I’d seen it, but it was only a part of it, when they showed the full expanse of the beds I almost threw up.

She needs to be made to see that, no, its NOT ‘a fuss about nothing’

And you need to have a plan in place for when she does go out. Because she’s 17, & you can’t be stood at the front door 24/7.

Just what you need 🙄🙄🙄

How old is your other DD?

She's saying it's a fuss about nothing because she wants it to be a fuss about nothing. She gets it but is kicking back. Don't make her watch anything as it will reinforce what she is scared will happen to her dad.

You can't tell her what she really wants to hear - that everyone will be ok and life will return to normal on a set date. So she kicks off - she knows how you will react, even if she doesn't like, it so it's "safe".

Leave her to it. She'll reappear when she calms down or gets hungry. In an uncertain world, you need to be calm and consistent.

Absolutely pathetic behaviour. This pandemic has really shown how the lack of good parenting is part of the reason why people think they can do whatever they sodding want and put people's lives at risk.

I honestly can't believe someone has said OP was "quite confrontational" for standing at door to prevent her going out and putting her vulnerable dad at risk.

OP, she is 17 (old enough to know better). I don't think you've done anything wrong. Just ignore her and let her sulk. And good on for not letting her out. She'll soon come around, even if it takes a good few days. She can have her presents when she stops being a selfish brat.

Please don’t ignore her, her feelings are real, and there may be other issues afoot.
Keep trying to explain your reasoning, but also keep trying to listen to her and how she is feeling, even if it’s difficult for you.

If she's talking to friends online it sounds like she just taking it out on you
You are the punchball that is helping her cope
There may be tears later

I reckon she’s probably actually quite worried about her dad and doesn’t know how to process it! She probably wants to get out to make things feel normal and doesn’t want to accept her dad is so vulnerable.

I’m 21 and nearly had a tantrum/panic attack/meltdown whatever you want to call to yesterday when I realised the £700 I’ve spent on a lovely break for my boyfriends 21st in June after our exams is likely to be cancelled.

This is hard for everyone and I’d have thrown a strop at 17 too I think and my parents are vulnerable but not on the 12 week list. I’m betting this comes from anxiety.

Please be kind to her

She's come down of her own accord and had a hug, she's also given her little sister some of her birthday sweets.

I do think it's a mix of worry about her dad and anger at having to stay in, she was being a brat though.

Thanks all x

Glad she’s cheered up.

Happy birthday to your DD

good update. Hope she has also apologised for totally appalling behaviour.

the teen bar is very low on MN but don't give me 'hormones' or any of that shit. She has a roof, food, drinking water, a functioning toilet, a family who love her and treat her well and even birthday cards. She is really, really fortunate and plenty old enough to realise that.

One of her friends probably said she was being an arse, hopefully the sulks stay away.

Ignore her for now.

What does she expect you to do?

Its hard for you as it is for everyone already.

Tbh i understand how she feels, she's not particularly angry with you just angry at the situation.

It's my DD's 17th on Wednesday. She's obviously gutted that she can't see her friends and celebrate how she'd like but I've promised to take her to her fave restaurant once things are back to normal and that she can have 2 birthdays like the Queen this year.

Glad she’s cheered up