When do I get my evenings back?

[teddy50]

We had DD two years ago, and two years later, we still don't have our evenings to ourselves. We've just about weaned her off breastfeeding to sleep, but she now requires one of us to sit with her until she's asleep.

The falling asleep process can take a long time. A really long time. I try to sneak out when I think she's asleep, but often I misjudge (and apparently I clomp when I walk - excuse me for being pregnant and a bit elephantine, husband) and she jerks awake and wails like a banshee. Then we start all over. We've tried letting her cry but she has stamina and it isn't very nice.

Anyone else in these shoes? I'd really like to get this right before we have our second in the summer! 🆘

OP as you tackle the bed timeroutine that will have a positive effect on the overnight wakings.

The reason she doesn't just go back to sleep herself at 4am is because she doesn't know how to as that's not have she is falling asleep at bedtime.

Our DS was very adverse to being sleep trained. He's now 7 has obviously been going to bed and sleeping by himself for years but there are still times when I reflect on the fact that he just likes to know where I am and is still very cuddly. He is loving self isolation!
In the end, we just accepted that one of us had to be in his room for an hour or so and set up a comfy chair in there. He'd go in his cot and one of us would stay in there and read on a kindle (or work on our laptop) for an hour or so. I think DH used to watch TV/listen to music with headphones on. This was massive progression from rocking him or leaning over the cot stroking him or constantly going in & out as it at least felt like I was doing something I might normally do of an evening.

He didn't move to a bed until he was 3 (he's the youngest so there was no need to kick him out of the cot) by which time his older sister was in reception, shattered & needed an earlier bedtime than DS did. We continue to do bath & bed for both of them together and then left DS in his room with a stairgate across it, a story CD on and a few jigsaws or something out and he'd do those and then put himself to bed.

Three out of my four have got to a point between 4-6 months old where they’ve stopped falling asleep on the breast and started to fight being rocked/cuddled to sleep. Although I have never properly sleep trained when they started doing this I thought “well if you’re fighting it anyway...” and put them down in the cot when it was sleep time. When they cried I’d pick them up for a cuddle then put them down again.

Obviously your dd is older so that may not work. And my second child it didn’t work for at all -he used to get hysterical instantly. I spent ages trying to get him to self settle and he never did. He was three before I could put him in bed awake and walk away.

Bernadette I’m not sure I agree with that. My children that self settled at bedtime as babies still woke regularly in the night and needed me to help them get back to sleep. My child that never self settled was sleeping through before he was self settling. It may work in some cases but it’s not the magic solution it’s always claimed to be.

Does she nap during the day? How long does it take for her to fall asleep in the evening?

When she wakes in the middle of the night I’d just bring her into my bed. She’s probably scared and wants comfort, she really is so little. And plus you’ll get more sleep.

We did the cry out method at 9mths. The first day was harrowing, but the second day bub was asleep in 15 min. It really does work.

Bub was in a bed age 1. Took a week to adjust.

Moved evening milk to 4pm. And the bedtime story so it's off to bed, snuggle up, kiss and lights off. No room to manipulate our attention for longer

For me it was 4 years with my 2nd!! It was a shock self settled from a baby.

No amount of sleep training worked for me, she would scream and cry until she was sick.

Not what you want to hear, but once I excepted it, it became easier x

Does she nap in the day? I’d cut that out if she’s taking a long time to fall asleep in the evening. I still sit with mine at bedtime but it doesn’t usually take more than 15 mins for them to fall asleep (2 and 3). My 2yo is fine at falling asleep by himself but my older child likes to cuddle. I don’t mind because it doesn’t take long but at some point I’m going to try and wean him off it maybe using audio books or something but he’s a bit older so I think it’ll be easier to explain the change

Sleep train her, FFS.

Buy a book about sleep training a toddler. Why do you need us to tell you this?

Thanks everybody. I'm really not anti sleep training at all, it's just that it hasn't worked very well in the past and caused a lot of tears for no gain. But I will try again - the lockdown is a good opportunity I suppose.

Should I do the same for morning wake-up and naps?

Two kids = ime, no evenings until they are much older.

The territory of being a parent unless you've got the breed of children that just sleep.

I'd suck it up- experience tells me trying to fix it is much more stressful.

Thats really not true Ana
Mine were in bed and asleep by 7pm.
Lights out .
Its what you are prepared to put up with and I was not going to be a calm, patient parent if I had to sit with my DC all evening.
They take their cue from you.
If you sit there all evening they will need you to sit there !

Agree with Quick and Sally, you need to be firm from quite early days, will you be different with your newborn OP?

Maybe we were just extremely lucky but from the day we got back from hospital DS had a strict 7pm bedtime ... no feeding or cuddling to sleep. I think it must be a real shock for a baby/child if you do cuddle or feed them to sleep and then stop so why not have a different routine from the start. We followed the GF routine which I know is deeply unpopular on Mumsnet. But it doesn’t seem to have had any long term effect on our DS who is now a healthy, confident 19 year old uni student and happily self isolating with us, playing board games every evening .

I'm laughing at your alleged perfect parenting techniques!!
😂😂😂

You can do the same parenting with two kids the same and get different outcomes. All kids are different

My nearly two year old is the same.
I've just accepted it as my parenting role.
I refuse to wean or sleep train.

Agree with @AnaphylacticAnnabelle also

You can do the same parenting with two kids the same and get different outcomes. All kids are different

This is so true! I always wonder how many dc people have when they say their methods are fool proof. I sometimes want to laugh in their face when they say they only have one. The more dc you have, the more you realise how different they all are and that your methods had no bearing on how your dc turned out, you were lucky to get a compliant child!
I’ve got 3 Dc btw. All raised the same, all completely different with different issues going on.

Op to answer your question, what I have done in the past, say goodnight, sit for a short while, nip to the loo, straight back. Take slightly longer the next night. Maybe change the reason you are leaving as the days go on, but take longer each day. I’d stay on the same floor so your dc can hear that you are about, but always return. I use to save the washing to put away for this time of day, so she could hear me doing from room to room and pottering about and could pop in to put her washing away and then go out to do someone else’s. It is a very gradual process, but I don’t remember it leading to massive crying episode here and over time it did work.

But that’s your answer Patrick ..... “I refuse to wean or sleep train”.

It doesn’t mean it’s right or wrong, you do what is right for you as a parent, but then you accept you “don’t get your evenings back”, maybe sitting with your child is more important than having some time to yourself, and that, of course, is your choice to make.

What I often see is mumsnetters concerned that their children won’t go to sleep ... but aren’t willing to try some form of sleep training. There are lots of gentle sleep training methods that can be tried.

I agree on the whole Quick, I’ve managed to get three children under 7 to go to bed at 7 and sleep through. Not to boast or anything, just to say it can be done. It does take a bit of work, which can seem impossible when you’re tired yourself.

She's probably getting too much sleep if she is napping in the day. Try cutting back on nap times.

Sleep train otherwise you'll be even more tired out.

Did routine with mine. Unpopular on here - but they never cried at bed time & I never had to sleep train. They got right amount of sleep so would drop off fairly quickly.

I can't believe the number of people prepared to lie down for hours on end getting their children to sleep. It doesn't need to be like that!

If she is taking ages to fall asleep then she is probably not tired! Cut her nap out or at least reduce it.

@Ragwort Of course it's my answer, I posted it.
I didn't tell the OP what to do.

I have just sleep trained my 2 1/2 year old DD, because I can't cope with the sleepless nights during lockdown (no nursery anymore so the days are really long). She always wakes up around 10pm for water and then again anytime between 2am-4am, so I decided that enough is enough (the neighbour will have to suffer a few nights too), she cried the first night and haven't heard a peep from her since!

Ah we also stopped her nap time and that has helped a lot.