"Healthy neglect", leaving your child, never leaving your child- what are your views? (Long, sorry)

[bramblina]

I've been wondering for some time now how other people view the amount of time they should spend with their child/ren?

I never intended to return to work after having my first child, and wanted to be a full-time, hands-on Mum. So far I have done so; in 2 years I have spent 8 days (9am-4pm) away from him to go on some business courses, on these days my Husband, Mum or Auntie looked after him. When dh is home he usually puts him to bed, but I have never been out of the house when he has gone to bed. We go to 3 toddlers' groups a week and visit friends regularly, MIL occasionally (once every 3 weeks?) takes him for an hour to see his great papa but other than that I do everything with him- we baked cookies yesterday, we build with his bricks, paint, playdough, playpark, beach, do jigsaws- i don't do much housework other than hoovering, washing, cooking and sweeping in the day, mostly spend our time doing things.
Recently, having a conversation with a friend when she asked why I don't put him in the local childcare centre for a few hours per week, I told her I believe it's my place to raise my son, plus I feared he wouldn't be given the same attention in there that he gets at home- she replied "but that's life".
It got me thinking- that is life, am I luring him in to a false sense of security by spending so much time with him? I am firm in my discipline, he knows what he is and isn't allowed, he is not spoiled, he is a contented boy, he does spend 10 minutes or so alone playing with his toys, he doesn't hang off me all day, I just really enjoy his company and believe I can give him the best....but now wonder what is the best?
He will start nursery next summer and I do plan to put him in childcare now and again to prepare him, but not untill maybe March. Plus I'm expecting a baby in May so there will be lots of changes in store!

I have just read your post and you both sound blissfully happy.

In my opinion the words healthy and neglect don't sit together well. I believe you are both happy because you are both secure with your realtionship.

Your ds is not clingy because he knows his mum will always be there for him. This will then give him the confidence (when he's ready) to forge ahead and become independant.

if your happy then bollocks to other people.

You sound like a lovely mum. There is no better place for your ds to be than at home with his mum.

I do however think it does not harm children to spend some time away from home. I know that I personally needed some space and my mum or MIL would take mine for a short time and even over night. I do like the fact that my ds and dd are confident enough to stay overnight at grandparents and uncle and aunty's house. When I was in hosp having dd I knew my ds was happy staying with F & MIL and so I did not have to worry about him when I was in labour and my dh could be with me.

As with all parenting it is your choice how you bring up your children and you should not be overly influenced by others. Advice is good but only go with it if you are sure that is what you want.

Hope your pregnancy goes well. All the best.

I think you know if you are doing the right thing for your family. If you are all happy, then what's the point in worrying if you should be doing something else?I have always workoed fulltime,children in childcare.Totally different circumstances from you, but also a very happy family. Its not just one way. How much time should you spend with yourc child? I don't think you need to spend 24/7 with you child, but again I think you know if you spend too little and I don't think you can ever spend too much....

It sounds lovely. ds and I also have a similar life, or we have done since I've been on mat leave - before that we had this just 2 days a week, as I had to work the other three. Goodness, how I would love to be a permanent SAHM. Your post makes me feel fairly sad (wistful), tbh. I'm going to have nearly a year off work when this one arrives and am so looking forward to it.

ds has never been looked after alone by anyone except dh and me. I do feel a bit odd about it sometimes - particularly because it means I'm going to have to do my immiment birth by myself, as we can't leave him with someone else for the first time at a time like that, and I'm also sometimes a little sad that it's worked out this way as we spent ds's first two years living a long way away from family and friends - but OTOH mothers/parents are supposed to want to be with their children - I don't see what's so unhealthy about it.

You are both happy so why change things? Your friend is right, in a way, that "that's life" but he has years and years and years of nursery and school ahead of him. I'm sure he'll get used to it! I don't see any need for you to rush into childcare any sooner than you have planned already. You should spend the amount of time with him that you think is right (which you are doing already!).

Never forget, we're raising DCs to go out into the world and away from us. So it's no bad thing to leave a LO with a trusted other person for short spells of time now and again throughout childhood. It's also a good thing (if it's feasible in terms of distances etc) to make sure that your DC are familiar with grandparents, aunts, uncles etc and have relationships with them - if Mummy has to go into hospital overnight or onto remand for a few weeks, it's better if the LO is going to someone loved and familiar.

FWIW I left DS with my mum for the first time when he was about 5 days old while my dad drove me to the GP for antibiotics and to my old flat to pick up my post. He's spent time variously with his grandparents, my best friend, his dad and at nursery, and he's fine.

I think the phrase "benign neglect" was coined by Deborah Jackson ( based on the Continuum Concept) but it doesnT refer to leaving your child with people, or early separation from your child. It refers to not being too focused on the child and too child-centred i.e you dont play with them all the time or live through them.
She believes a mother should go about her daily business and carry on with her own life, so that could mean meeting up with friends, family, going for a walk, sorting out the linen cupboard, tending to other kids, and basically just drag the youngest child about with you to watch life from the sidelines.

Personally, I agree with her on this point. I think the way the SAHM spends time with the child has a big influence. So sometimes, it might be better for the kid to go to nursery for some healthy neglect, but more often than not, the mother can provide this in her very own home .
So basically, its just not good to be too over-involved in your child`s life. Its a very fine line though.

Just carry on the way you are. Your ds doesn't need to be put in a childcare centre. You are not depriving him of anything by not making him spend time away with others. He sounds lovely, so I see no need for you to change whatever you are doing. They are soon away from you. Don't spoil this time with him thinking you should be pushing him away.

bramblina, stick to your guns! You're giving him the best possible start.

Your friend saying "that's life" - well, sorry, no - it doesn't HAVE to be! Why the heck should you stick him in the local childcare centre if you don't want to?

Nursery, school etc will all come soon enough, you'd be amazed how quick it is to come and suddenly you're handing them over to others.

Your ds is a lucky boy, your days together sound idyllic. Don't be influenced by that friend. Sure, doubt that childcare a few hours a week would harm him, but why do it if you don't want to! Some people do want the kids off their hands more than others. If that's not you, then just stick to your own way.

Just to add to the others do what makes you both happy. Life is too short to constantly question what we do, as a mother i believe that most of us do what we feel is best for our children.

I have two and with my first he had never spent even a ssecond away from mummy until my second was born. He now goes to nursery once a week for me to have some one to one time with the youngest and the youngest spends some time with his Grandma so that I get have one to one with the eldest.

I love spending time with my kids and I hope they enjoy spending time with me - everyone always comments on how smilely they are.

So just enjoy and do what you think is best

bramblina, you sound like me. I did exactly what you do with my DD who is now nearly 5 and just started school. At nearly 3 I placed her in a local Montessori Nursery for 1 day, I thought she would not be able to tear herself away from me but she couldn't wait to get in! I do however have a very clingy child and she won't let anyone do anything for her, whilst I am in the same vicinity. I am 40+3 pg at the moment with DC2 and am worried about how she will cope with a sibling.

My advice to you would be make sure he mixes with children his own age, I agree you don't need to force him into anything just yet, but by putting him in childcare next March sounds good to me. Gets them used to school as well.

Good luck and as said, you sound a lovely mum.

Your son has plenty of years to find out what life offers up, especially with a sibling on the way. Just enjoy these precious first ones with him while you can.

I don't think nurseries have a bad effect but they are there if you need them, I can't see the point of using one otherwise!

Nurseries are a recent invention and kids were fine up until then after all

I think you just go with the flow. I do agree with others that if you have family/friends near by, that it can be useful letting your children spend time with them without you being there (when emergencies pop up it's handy but also it's good for the children to develop relationships with other adults).

what a lovely life you describe, but do you mean you never go out in the evening leaving granny or someone babysitting? this is NOT a critisim, i just wondered if you miss goign out for dinner or to the cineama, i know i would.

I wish I was like you.

If you're happy and he's happy whats the problem?

If you are happy and he is happy what other people think doesn't matter. I'm the opposite - my DS goes to CM three days a week so I can work and we do have quite a few nights out and the occasional weekend without him. But this is our life and he is fine with it. Do whatever works for you and your family - that's 'the best'.

It doesn't sound to me as if you are doing anything wrong TBH. And if that suits you carry on.

But, speaking as a mother who is feeling very sad now that her youngest has started school, do you think that you need to invest some time in you, and your interests? There will come a day when you have no children at home with you. I've always had to work(out of the home) but done my best to be there for my children all the remaining hours of the week - rarely going out in the evenings without them. If do feel bereft now.

DS and I were very much the same until DD came along. He will start school in January and I am just making the most of having them both until he has to go. . I personally am so thankful that I got the opportunity to stay at home with my kids. Your friend was right that is life or will be but it doesnt have to be now. You are not luring him into a false sense of security but giving the best and happiest start. When he is older you will be so glad that you had that time with him. When they start school it all changes and that will come soon enough believe me.

Also DS was never in the least bit jealous of his sister and I honestly believe that is because he has been at home with me and never had to fight for my attention. Think that time made a secure and happy little boy.

I can't see the point in forcing a separation, though, just in case you die or are seriously ill which might never happen. Enjoy what you have now. We can't prepare for all maybes. If something happened it would be distressing anyway. Reminds me of something I saw (maybe on mn) along the lines that you wouldn't prepare for a famine by not eating (just to get used to it), you would eat as much as you could to stock up. Surely building up emotional security would help more and isn't that what's happening with Bramblina and her ds. Her dh is there. Mum and auntie have looked after him so presumably he is aware of them. Not much longer and he'll be away anyway. He has a sibling on the way and things will change anyway. I think they should enjoy this time with each other. It's time they won't get back.

i think do what makes u and yr son happy.