Smacking or abuse? I can't see clear

[Katiehu]

Hi I just registered to reach out for advice because I am afraid to talk about it anyone.

We have a 2 years old boy and I am very much against smacking, hitting, I believe in talking to the child instead, even if they still dont listen, and naughty, I like to explain and be strict if I need to, maybe time-out, but never smack them or cause any pain.
My husband is opposite. He's got a 5 years old son too, and when the boy was 2-3 years old, he used to smack him, twisted his ears, slap him, hit him on the back sometimes. I stopped him doing it since I saw it was wrong. He agreed, admitted it was not ok and will not do it again.

Since we have our son he's never been like this but when our son got to the age of 2 and become more handful, my husband looses his patience sometimes and smack both of them or twist their ears which is painful.
I really got upset about it and shouted at him front of the kids(which is not good for them to see either). He promised again not doing it.

Today morning my little one threw something on the floor and my husband slap him on the face, shouting stop it! My son got scared crying and run to me looking at him in fear (that's what I think it was). My husband said, 'leave him, I will apologise later'... I've tried to talk to my husband about it nicely and call him aside to talk but he didnt want to. He said I'm a drama queen and making big deal of everything, this doesnt affect the child.

He believes if there is no smack=no discipline and e.g. the child will smoke weed by the age of 10, stay out of school etc
He said this is the way he was brought up and I should not question his parenting ad he want the best for them.

Am I overreacting?

Abuse no question.

He’s abusing your children.

I'd class that as abuse.

At 3 years old they shouldn't be expected to behave they dont have the mental capacity to control their behaviours even if they are starting to understand what is right or wrong.

Using physical "discipline" has been proven to cause anxiety in adults.

The worst thing you've said is that he does it out of anger any discipline done out of anger is so wrong. Discipline needs to be motivated by wanting the best for the child, teaching them what's wrong not fuelled by anger which is about releasing your own emotions/aggression.

It’s abuse. I’m sure others will be along shortly with advice but it’s completely unacceptable behaviour on his part - it will damage your poor child, he isn’t teaching him to behave he is teaching him to fear - he is also teaching him that violence is the solution to a problem.

Is your husband also violent towards you OP? He sounds fucking awful, I’m so sorry - please don’t normalise it and please please try and make a plan to get away. Your child will thank you for it one day (trust me, my Mum didn’t get out/away from an arsehole like him when she should & I have never forgiven her)

That is abuse.

No question, abuse.

Abuse definitely. That’s not a smack in the leg when they’re being naughty( still not ok in my view) but twisting ears and smack in the face by a grown man on a two year old abuse.
How can you even look at him.

It’s abuse.

Smacking a two year old across the face for any supposed reason is abuse. He’s annoyed / stressed and he’s taking it out on your child.

Your child is too young to know that it shouldn’t be chucking items on the floor. I can remember my niece going through a stage of being in her high chair and throwing stuff on the floor laughing as she thought it was a game. We just stopped giving her stuff to throw at no point did anyone smack her and she grew out of it.

There is also something that might makes me look stupid but I thought he can change. Our child was a surprise baby at the very beginning of our relationship.
He just got out his previous relationship with his ex (the 5 year old boy's mum) and he was seeing his son with supervision because the ex said he hit her before.
My husband made me believe it's not true and it was not serious etc. I was in love I believed him.

As soon the visit was not supervised anymore and the boy became 2 years old, that's when he did these things to the boy, but I was able to stop him.

And if we separate I don't want this to happen to our boy too, that after the supervision he will be same abusive and no one will know, my child cant reach out for help as they too little.

Does anyone understand what I'm trying to say?I'm afraid of this I dont know what to do. That's why its complicated in my eyes

Any way this is not an everyday thing, and generally he is not aggressive at all. With our son it happened twice, but it was red flag for me so I thought I need to ask advice.

Abusive. And even the people I know who don't have an issue with smacking would think that the ear twisting is a nasty and cruel thing to do. To an even more troubling extent. There's an element of nasty vindictiveness to it.

I know some parents lose their tempers in a way sometimes and maybe smack in desperation then feel terrible afterwards, but ear twisting is a weird and calculated response that is totally different.

He sounds like a cunt, can you really see him the same way now you've watched him slap your child and twist his ears?

Abuse you need to get you and your child away to keep safe, contact women's aid?

Abuse. I’m o my surprised he doesn’t abuse you too. Please keep yourself and your son safe

Abuse! Plan and simple

I’ve smacked my kids. But it was on the bottom only and was an extreme last resort. I don’t do it anymore.

This is abuse with the intent to hurt

abusive you need to report

I would phone the police no matter who was doing that to my child. Don't let your child be abused OP

Of course it’s abuse.
He needs to be an ex.
And now you know why his last ex said he was abusive and he was only allowed supervised access to his own child.
Time to split and arrange supervised visits only.

It's happened twice that you have seen.

I think you need to take him calmly to one side and tell him that if it ever happens again, you and your son will leave. Given his history, he has to understand he risks losing access to both his children.

Tell him to find some therapy now, immediately.

On the face is abuse. Completely gratuitous violence.
On the hand or the bum is discipline after all other avenues have been attempted.

You're not over reacting, that is definitely abuse.

Abuse. You need to protect your child. That means leaving.

I've got a 2yo and while he might be challenging at times I can't imagine ever thinking it's appropriate to hurt him. Your poor baby must be terrified.

Definitely abuse, are you in UK? I am reading like English isn't your first language. Not that it matters where you are, this is not acceptable behaviour in any circumstance!

It’s abuse and if you should report it.

He’s an abuser. Abusive to his ex and both his children.

He needs to go op. Please don’t let your child be brought up like this. The thought of someone smacking a two year old and twisting his ear is heartbreaking.

Are you in the UK?

Smacking IS abuse.
I’d seperate living conditions so you are not living with him.

People CAN change though. If he goes to parenting classes and how to discipline without hitting and anger management classes on how not to lose your temper around children, he can learn to stop hitting.

It’s sad he was an abused child himself and it is common for the victims of abuse to become abusers because they literally do not know how to do things differently. But this cycle of abuse can be broken if he’s willing to take the steps and take the parenting and anger classes to rid himself of the thought and action patterns that his childhood instilled within him.

But you should definitely live apart until he’s done that and then proven himself to be safe.