Smacking or abuse? I can't see clear

[Katiehu]

Hi I just registered to reach out for advice because I am afraid to talk about it anyone.

We have a 2 years old boy and I am very much against smacking, hitting, I believe in talking to the child instead, even if they still dont listen, and naughty, I like to explain and be strict if I need to, maybe time-out, but never smack them or cause any pain.
My husband is opposite. He's got a 5 years old son too, and when the boy was 2-3 years old, he used to smack him, twisted his ears, slap him, hit him on the back sometimes. I stopped him doing it since I saw it was wrong. He agreed, admitted it was not ok and will not do it again.

Since we have our son he's never been like this but when our son got to the age of 2 and become more handful, my husband looses his patience sometimes and smack both of them or twist their ears which is painful.
I really got upset about it and shouted at him front of the kids(which is not good for them to see either). He promised again not doing it.

Today morning my little one threw something on the floor and my husband slap him on the face, shouting stop it! My son got scared crying and run to me looking at him in fear (that's what I think it was). My husband said, 'leave him, I will apologise later'... I've tried to talk to my husband about it nicely and call him aside to talk but he didnt want to. He said I'm a drama queen and making big deal of everything, this doesnt affect the child.

He believes if there is no smack=no discipline and e.g. the child will smoke weed by the age of 10, stay out of school etc
He said this is the way he was brought up and I should not question his parenting ad he want the best for them.

Am I overreacting?

Yeah in UK. What is OP?

Op is original poster. You.

If you husband is abusing your child then he would only be allowed supervised access I think. So you need to report what he's done and leave him.
He's a bully.

3 options are :
Option 1: You pipe down a bit and let him carry on, hopefully he'll make them so scared of him that they obey out of fear and never mention it to anyone outside the home or

Option 2: He carries on hurting them, DC accepts it is normal for adults to hate him because he's bad.
Accidentally learning it's normal to lash out when things don't go his way, normal to scream, shout and tell others to shut up and stay out of it, constantly being punished for being in trouble, excluded from parties, ignored/ disliked at school. .

It's not normal to be frightened or hurt by a grown up

Option 3 is: You do what you know we're all going to tell you to do, Leave. Start imagining a stranger on the street did what he is doing, react accordingly.

DP is showing you how unimportant you are to him, how abusive he is, how unable to cope he is, that he believes violence is normal while objecting to violence is undesirable, unreasonable and futile.

No, a reasonable Adult Man is not violent towards a toddler.

Around the face is abusive and if he left a mark then definitely abuse. Twisting the ears is also abusive.

A smack on the bum or hand is discipline.

You tell him you will not carry on seeing him hurt your children, if he can't accept this then you leave. Also tell him that you will be the one to discipline the children from now onwards because he looses his temper and it is not right.

Oh op I bet they is very upsetting to witness 😢 slapping their faces and twisting their ears 😢

I’d also class as abuse.

The slap was not strong but still a slap on the lips, it didnt leave mark but it was still shocking for me to see. I asked him what does he do when I'm not around? He denied he did anything at all, he said I'm just making big deal out of it. Thanks again, I will ask for some help.😥

He needs to leave. Not sure what “help” you want.

'OP' means 'original poster' - the person who posted the thread - you!

Katie, he is not a safe man to be around.

It usually has to be very serious for a child to be seen under supervision.
He hit his older child.
He hits your child.
He does cruel things like twisting their ears.
He hits a two year old for perfectly normal 2 year old behaviour
He is dismissive of your views and feelings and blames you for your reaction, rather than taking responsibility
He will not change because as he has said to you, he sees no need to change. He actively believes in hitting small children.

Please seek professional advice and leave him. But yes, you need to be sure that he will never see your child unsupervised, and that is where you need help, maybe from Women's Aid.

Please please do not stay in this relationship because you think that is the only way to save your child from seeing him on his own - he will be violent and abusive to you, your child will see you argue and in the end you won't be able to protect him from this man or from the effects of living with this man.

Be honest with yourself - if you knew then what you know now, would you have even started the relationship?

So..leave while you can. before he beats your self esteem out of you, whether through emotional abuse (lying to you, making it all your responsibility, etc) or physically.