4 week old baby and wondering if I'm cut out for this

[brightside11]

I’m feeling low today. I keep second guessing my decision to stop breastfeeding, even though it wasn’t really my decision (we started on formula in hospital due to low supply and poor latch, and having a premature baby losing more than 10% of her body weight). Baby is feeding at least every two hours and struggling to settle afterwards due to digestive issues (colic possibly) so I’m very sleep deprived. I’m so behind with the housework and general life admin and I feel completely frazzled. I’m constantly rushing from one thing to the next during every waking moment, yet still not staying on top of anything. Friends and family want to see us and I feel so antisocial too, like I just want them to leave us alone. I feel insecure about how I look as my old jeans still feel too tight and there’s a weird bumpy bit on my stomach below my c-section scar. I’m also anxious and OTT about every little thing when it comes to the baby and it’s making me doubt myself as a mother and wonder if I’m cut out to be a parent. Is this normal and does it get easier?

I think it’s perfectly normal to feel like this, but I also wonder if you’re carrying some birth trauma after a difficult one. We had a really tough time followed by two months in nicu and I was an absolute mess but didn’t realise how much the trauma was affecting me until my twins turned about 1.

They also couldn’t bf and I felt so guilty that I pumped around the clock for 7 months and still couldn’t produce enough. I beat myself up constantly and it completely ruined that first year. Looking back now I wish I’d been able to let it go, all the distress was really not worth it.

Might be worth getting in touch with the birth trauma association, when you feel up to it.

I also suffered from terrible anxiety, I think that’s pretty common after a traumatic birth but I wish I had gotten help for it.

It gets so much easier lovely! I felt so like you in those early months. As soon as DS started walking he stopped crying all the time and I started loving being a mum and turns out I am 100% cut out for this.

It gets better. I'm pretty sure I was still mostly in pjs at 4 weeks! Definitely wasn't doing much housework, my partner did everything until I'd recovered from the surgery. I think almost everyone feels like it's all too much and maybe they've made a mistake, especially with your first - it is so utterly overwhelming. But babies generally get easier as they get older, you get to know them and they develop a routine so you know what to expect. I found the first six weeks a total blur, four months was when I started to feel better about everything, and around eight months I started to actually enjoy it.

I haven’t had time to read all the comments so sorry if it’s the same as all the others. I just wanted to say I felt like this, I was so stressed and so tired I couldn’t even get a shower some days let alone get out the house or get any housework done. It gets so much better, my DS is now 16 weeks and we get out to baby group twice a week and maybe see family or friend on another day. I still get no housework done because he is demanding, he feeds regularly and doesn’t like to be put down to sleep. I get the essentials done now he can self entertain for a few mins on his play mat. What I started to do is ask DH to play with the baby for a hour or so once he’s home and settled from work and I run round and get the other jobs done. They both actually enjoy having some time with each other! This seems to go down better than asking him to do all the jobs after he’s been at work all day!
I’ve thought about giving up breastfeeding so much but tbh I don’t think it’ll make life easier, you’ll have extra sterilising and washing to do and it won’t change the temperament of your baby. However fed is best and do what works for your family, a happy mummy is more important than breast or bottle.
I look back now and realise all the days I thought I’d failed at parenting and life I realise I’d actually done something amazing and fed and nourished my baby, met all his needs and played with him, bonded with him, got to know him, sang to him and so on and so on.
In 20 years when your baby is grown and gone nobody will remember or care if your house was clean and tidy, if you went to groups or not or if you breast or bottle fed.
Look after you baby and stuff everything else. It will get easier, don’t be proud to ask for help. I hope you feel better today.

Thank you for all the lovely kind replies and I'm sorry that I'm not able to reply to each person individually. The support means so much though and reading your messages has got me through some tough days and nights.

Thought I'd update even though I've not much good news to share. So I/we are six weeks in now. I'm still finding the daily grind a real struggle and not particularly rewarding, although luckily I do feel love for my daughter. Currently my baby still
has potentially colicky symptoms but it looks more like straining to pass gas or poo. According to the health visitor she is not constipated as that's only if they don't pass a stool for 5-7 days apparently and DD does usually pass soft stools once a day. All day DD either cries, sleeps, eats or strains/goes red and passes extremely smelly gas, and then cries again and the cycle continues. She feeds every 2 hours around the clock, sometimes more. It's exhausting and I feel so miserable when nothing seems to comfort her when she's crying and straining.

I had advice from the GP & health visitor about DD's colic symptoms (the standard "this will pass", try baby tummy massage, bicycling her legs and a little boiled and cooled water between feeds). We do all of that & we also tried Infacol but DD seemed to hate the taste and it made no difference. We're now trying different formulas as she also has developed mild eczema, which I had as a baby due to a cows' milk intolerance so I wondered if her symptoms could be down to that. So last week we switched from Aptamil Comfort to Aptamil Pepti 1, which she seems to dislike the taste of and it stinks! So we've given up on that and are starting back on Hipp formula. I'm thinking we're switching formulas too much and without proper medical advice either, so I guess we'll go back to a regular Hipp formula and try and stick with it, in the hope that this passes as perhaps her digestive system needs time to mature. She was a month premature.

Recently I reached my breaking point as I felt like I have no time to myself, I do have a husband but we're not always on the same page & I've been feeling resentful that he seems to have time to exercise etc every day and doesn't seem to feel frazzled and like he has no time to himself like I do. I also think I'm still recovering from my traumatic experience in hospital when she was born, which I'm still not sure I've processed.

I didn't know being a mum would feel like this. Today when DD was asleep in her bassinet I just lay in bed and cried silently so as not to wake her. I felt so low and even thought about drinking a glass of wine at 5pm when DH took over caring for DD. But I made a cup of tea instead as I thought using alcohol to cope might be a slippery slope. I'm not even much of a drinker (1-2 drinks a month) but everything just felt too much. My GP has now increased my antidepressant dose at my request so I'm hoping that kicks in soon.

@sinkgirl Thank you for the info and I'm sorry to hear that you struggled with birth trauma too. I will check out the birth trauma association as I'm sure the anxiety from that isn't helping matters. X

I could have written your post when my prem twins came home and as with your DD, my DD was colicky, gained weight extremely slowly and I was pretty much doing everything whilst DH seemed to have barely noticed a shift in his life. It was exhausting and stressful.

Your DH really ought to be stepping up more if he’s only waiting until you’re so tired out - so you feel he’s not doing enough? I had to have a very candid (somewhat rant) conversation with mine when I reached breaking point.

As for the colic, my DD didn’t much fancy the taste of infacol either but I persisted with it, it took a fair few days to see a difference though and did make her more prone to spitting up. I also tried as many different bottle/teat combinations as my HV has suggested. MAM teats helped my DD a lot.

It does get easier I promise but that’s not really helpful when you’re in the thick of it (I know because I gritted my teeth every time somebody said it to me!).

My twins were 8 weeks premature and my DS wasn’t quite as difficult but your DD is sounding a fair bit like my DD was at first.

Try to be easy on yourself- traumatic birth and NICU/SCBU events are enough to knock any person on their arse. You’re doing brilliantly even if it doesn’t feel like you are right now. Sending strength OP and I hope your GP can help with DD’s colic and I agree switching to different formulas too regularly can have an adverse effect when you have a colicky baby. Fingers crossed things improve soon for you OP

I also found the following helped a bit:

Elevating the head of her Moses basket with a book under each leg to help keep milk in tummy and not all over blankets.

After feeds putting her in her bouncy chair for at least 20mins before trying to lay her in bed.

Distraction worked sometimes with simple animation music videos on YouTube.

Knowing it was okay to let her have a bit of a cry before rushing to her, now this was really not by choice as I had DS to look after at the same time, but when I knew she was clean, fed and i’d given her some infacol, had her upright in her bouncy chair (or on my lap if I could) long enough for her digestion to have kicked in - sometimes I would have to let her cry a bit. Not for ages, I’m not cruel, but it was okay for her to be left a minute or two if I was with DS or even if I just needed to leave the room and count to 10 before resuming.

Sorry if you’ve tried all this already but your post resonates with me and I wanted to offer what I can remember

@brightside11 it is absolutely completely normal and it definitely does get easier. The first 8 weeks or so are the hardest ever. Trite, but they don’t come with a manual!

Mine suffered from colic as well - have you tried Aptamil comfort? It worked for us. Also, I really really beat myself up about breastfeeding - it didn’t work for us - but honestly, it matters not. Mine is now 18 months and thriving! Absolutely stuffing his face and is v healthy!

Your house will be a shit tip, you’ll not feel like you’re on top of anything and sometimes even a shower seems like too much. But it’s normal. Hang in there, it does ease off I promise.

@brightside11

We spent ages trying to figure out why DD was crying all the time. Eventually found purple crying which help explain things :
purplecrying.info/

Your other half should be as tired and frazzled as you, especially as you aren’t breastfeeding so both can do the feeding.

Get him involved much more, than she a night each for feeding etc / I did some nights and still went to work in the morning, it’s shit but unless he has a job that would be dangerous if he was tired It’s ok.

Our little one is 1 next month and is a little cracker, she has brought so purplecrying.info/ much joy it just takes time. You are doing great just hang in there

I thought I'd update and see if anyone can help me as I'm having an utterly shit day. DD is now 7 weeks old. I am sure it's not a good sign that I'm having daydreams about running away from my life. I love my baby and I am taking care of her but I miss my freedom and having time to do things for myself. I miss wearing make up and having a glass of wine with friends. I miss doing yoga for hours. I miss cleaning the house while listening to podcasts. I miss my old life. I miss sleeping for more than 4 hours at a time.

Today is particularly bad as I feel frustrated after visiting the GP this morning. DD has had colic symptoms and what looks like discomfort from gas or mild constipation since she was two weeks old and we have tried everything (Infacol, tummy massage, comfort milk, anti-colic bottles, bicycling her legs, warm baths, cuddling and bouncing her etc etc). Over the last week she's also developed symptoms of what looks to be acid reflux (high pitched squeaky breathing after feeds, coughing during feeds, lots of crying and fussing in general) and so now round the clock she seems uncomfortable and in distress. The GP basically told me it's all normal and that "in her day" they didn't "rush to medicate" and I felt so dismissed. I tried to tell her we've been struggling with this for 5 weeks now but she essentially told me to stop worrying and wait for it to pass. Fantastic, I'm so glad I risked contracting Covid-19 at the surgery for that golden nugget of wisdom. I felt so angry after I left (probably unjustifiably so). DH and I then had a disagreement/harsh words on the way home about who would take care of DD this afternoon as we both want a break. I went and had a cry in the garden before composing myself and have been taking care of DD since then. I'm cuddling her and she seems content right now but I feel so dead inside today.

(Oh I should add we've also tried giving her cooled boiled water between feeds and keeping her upright during and 30 minutes after feeds, before anyone suggests that)

I've just tried to tell DH how I'm feeling but he's adamant that I don't have postnatal depression because I don't feel like running away all the time and his advice was "stop getting yourself into these messes" and "think about what the solutions are". I am fuming at him now. Hating life today

I'm really sorry to hear your partner is not using their listening skills to help you today.
Just like the previous posters I'd like to reassure you about the digestion things, yes it's awful to see your baby like that and try everything and still feel like they are in pain. We tried everything too and it seems common, and i think after you tried everything eventually their digestion matures and they stop.
Also the whole house work thing, the transition to being half of a couple with your own hobbies and identity and standard for life to suddenly being a parent first and foremost, and everything else gets skipped, it's very hard but you just kind of have to accept and embrace that it's an achievement to go out and post a letter, where before you'd expect to spend an afternoon cleaning or gardening. After a whole you find a new normal and kind of muddle through. At your stage we couldn't even go shopping to the supermarket without taking a spare nappy and feeding him before coming home. I remember the first time we walked around the block, 5 minutes max, it felt like a big achievement.
As a father i found the hard part was knowing what my role in all this was, everyone "knows" what the mother is supposed to do, but as a father sometimes i felt unsure what i was supposed to do. There's a chance your partner is unsure or unconfident and is reacting by withdrawing. With his full support none of this will seem so bad, but on your own it's far more difficult to find the path.
Good luck and keep going, even if it seems tough now you'll gradually find everything becoming more spaced out.

I just wanted to say that I really feel for you - being a first time parent in this covid world must be very tough as you're dealing with SO much change and upheaval pulling at you from all angles. I assume it's just the 3 of you at home? Is your husband working from home at the moment?

I remember finding week 3 through to about 10 to be the hardest as it feels like there's no end in sight and they just seem to cry all of the time. Like you, we tried everything for a "quick fix" to the tummy problems etc and in the end waiting it out seemed to be key which I know isn't what you want to hear, sorry. However as you are formula feeding there isn't a reason why your husband can't also do his fair share - maybe you just need to be more direct with him and say 'Ill do this feed, you do that feed etc' and make it clear when it's his turn to do childcare. If you have a spare room make full use of it to get some sleep when he has baby and likewise he can do the same when it's your turn. Is it also his first child? He might be so worried about getting it wrong that he'd prefer to not do it. Again as you're formula feeding there's no reason why you can't go out alone and he can have the baby then too to give you some space to be you again... But as others have said above, you maybe also need to lower your expectations of what is and isn't possible, particularly at the moment. Unfortunately you're not going to have much time to yourself for many years to come so it's about making the moments you do have quality, which will come with time and not immediately after having had a baby. You're in the survival zone atm and if you survive a day, think of it as a win. Is your baby smiling yet? I found the weeks after that to be break through moments as your baby actually acknowledges your existence rather than just being an annoying thing in your life.

Did you do NCT or any other ante natal courses? Or know anyone from work/life who has also recently had a baby? It might help just to speak to someone else about their life right now who can really relate - my NCT what's app group has been my saviour over the last year. If you don't have anyone then have you looked at the MN post natal clubs on here? I assume you're late Feb but I'd just join which ever is the most chatty whether that's Jan, Feb or March.

It also sounds like you've got a lot of mental processing to do with the birth itself and also the other things that have happened in your family this year. Can you get some support from the health visitor about that? Mine are constantly offering me counselling or a listening ear... You can contact your children's centre, I assume they've got someone in even if it's just to direct you elsewhere even during these times.

@johnd2 Thank you for your reply, it’s good to have a male perspective on things too. My husband and I had a good talk in the end yesterday and I think a lot of our issues were around communication, with him wanting to “fix” things rather than just listen/empathise and me expecting him to know how I’m feeling without me telling him. We’ve agreed to work on these issues and I already feel much better. It is also reassuring to hear from you and other posters that a lot of what my baby is going though is to do with digestive system development and that it will pass. I will try and hold that in mind.

@Cardboard33 Thank you so much for your thoughtful and kind reply. It is just the three of us at home and my husband is currently not working. Thankfully he is very willing to be a hands on Dad and is fantastic in that respect. Since he’s stopped work he has been brilliant but as it’s only been two weeks since he stopped working, we are still finding our rhythm and at times it feels very intense not physically seeing other people/being away from each other during the day. I do think the stress of this covid19 stuff is getting to both of us. We had a good talk yesterday and I do feel much better today. It is reassuring to know that my baby’s issues will eventually pass too. I will have a think about restarting therapy as I was seeing a really good online therapist a while ago and I know I do need to process some stuff. Thanks again.

Hey brightside11 glad today was better. When babies are tiny that what it’s like - a rollercoaster one day to the next. It’s really hard, makes you feel sick with anxiety and tiredness. But it doesn’t last and it isn’t constant.
One day at a time, your baby will smile and catch you off guard. They will lift their head during tummy time when you least expect it. They will laugh d or the first time and it’s music to your ears.
Your love for them will grow - it takes time but I promise, I really promise it is the best thing in the whole world.

@brightside11 glad you felt yesterday was better and you were able to talk to your husband. Talking is always so important, more so at this time and it sometimes does just take time - I'm sure I'm not the only person to say my relationship has been well and truly tested these last few weeks and I don't have a newborn baby (he's just turned 13 months) in the mix, or a newly unemployed husband. I think you just have to do what you can - is your house/flat big enough that you can both get away from eachother (and baby!) for a few hours? Do you have some outside space?

With mine, I spent forever on Google in those early weeks/months and diagnosed him with all kinds of ailments, hehe. Was your baby early? Mine was born completely spontaneously at 36 weeks (I was completely not prepared for him to come so early) and they said that because he was early rather than at close to 40 his digestive system hadn't completely developed yet and also because he was born vaginally but very quickly it contributed to him having slight reflux as he had a lot of gunk in his system initially. I just thought if any of those apply to you that it might help to rationalise it, as it did me. As I said it got better with time (around 10-12 weeks - as in time out of the womb, not corrected age) and then he struggled with not pooing for a few weeks which was just as bad if not worse, and then by about 16 weeks everything seemed to have resolved itself on the poo front... Then you start solids and the whole drama starts again!

One of my friends had post natal depression (although she didn't know this at the time) and I remember meeting her about 6-7 weeks after she'd had her baby. She described the first weeks or so as a thankless endurance race where baby just takes everything away from you and gives absolutely nothing in return. That's not what people tell you when they describe motherhood but it's the reality for most people. For some reason it stuck with me and helped me get through the bad times as her daughter is now 5 and they're so happy. Yet it honestly does get so much better - the first year is full of so many firsts and you'll look back at these days and just laugh about how "young" you were even though it felt like absolute hell at the time.

From what you have said, I think you'd benefit from restarting your therapy but only you will know if it is the right time. Could you perhaps enquire about spaces without actually commiting to anything?

As a father of a 5 and a half month, I can totally relate to what you say but I an also tell you that things get better. Hang in there. Our little one had feeding issues, aversion, colic and you name it. In the end, we managed to work through it, solve it. Trust me, things will improve. You'll get used to the pace of things, work out new routines. When soon your little one will start smiling back at you, it will all be worth it, I promise!

Hiya. I didn’t see your original post but saw your update. Your experience sounds very similar to mine. I completely did not understand how anyone could enjoy having a newborn. I found it so awful. Lots of crying, no sleep, baby who was restless, reflux, etc etc. All of it. It was awful. I tried loads of things and nothing really worked. I felt so ashamed of feeling like that and feeling like I wasn’t a ‘natural’ mum. Anyway, it eventually got better. Digestive stuff sorted out. I got more confident. I got more sleep. And I started to feel like my old self. So my advice would be to get as much rest as you can. Get your partner to do some of the night feeds/nappy changes. Even better if you can, is sleep in a spare room if you have one. Go out for your daily exercise on your own. Walk slowly and listen to the birds, feel the sun on your face. I never thought I would feel better but I did. Sounds good you’ve spoken to your partner. Sometimes it’s just good to plan on who is going to have time to themselves. So you know you’ve got it coming and can look forward to it. Really, schedule in your breaks. Hope it starts to get easier soon.

I’m not coping well today. Feeling really overwhelmed and upset. Luckily my husband is able to take over for a bit so that I can be alone/have a cry. I thought/hoped I’d be better at this Mum thing than I am 😢 It feels like everything has built up to a point where I can’t cope. Even though others have it so much worse than I do in so many ways. I have so much to be grateful for yet I still feel like I’m failing at this. I’m sure I’ll pull myself together again in a bit but I hate having days like this.

@cardboard33
I have so much to be grateful for; a lovely house, big garden. No financial worries to speak of (not millionaires either but we won't ever have to worry about not having enough to eat). Yet I'm still failing at this!

Interesting you say that you had similar digestive issues, my baby was premature too. Things seem to have improved on the digestive/colic front since we switched to Hipp Organic.

Now my mental health just seems to be the problem 😭

You are NOT failing! I remember calling my health visitor when my first baby was two months old and DH had just gone back to work, sobbing down the phone at her that I'd only managed to empty the dishwasher that day. She came over, made me a cup of tea and said (in a very nice way) she thought it was impressive I'd managed anything at all! Have a new baby is HARD, let alone in the middle of a pandemic when you can't even go to baby groups etc to commiserate with other new mums. Don't be so hard on yourself. There is no right or wrong way of being a mum (unless you're neglecting or mistreating your baby, which it doesn't sound like you are). You're doing great.

Don't compare yourself to others as it's not helpful and you don't always know the full story anyway. We all struggle with the mum thing - it doesn't matter where you live or how much money you've got, yes money definitely helps (you sound like a similar financial position to me) but it doesn't solve all of your baby problems regardless of how many products you can buy. I'm glad things have been better now you've changed formula - that must help. I also think that you must have a lot going on with having a premature baby. I was still at work and just really not ready to give birth as I still had lots of things happening both mentally and physically between when he came and my due date. These obviously didn't happen and he was born very quickly (no medical reason, just how it happened) and I remember for the first few hours of his life just going on and on about how it was too soon, I wasn't ready etc and I was subsequently referred to the mental health team. It sounds like you had a much more traumatic early birth than me, and in the middle of a pandemic, so it will take some time to process all of that regardless of who you are.

I'm glad that your husband has been able to help with baby whilst you're feeling overwhelmed - have you got someone to talk to?

Also can you enquire via your health visitor about if there's any classes running remotely so you can meet other mums? We just managed to do NCT (finished a few days before he was born) but one of my friends who had a 29 weeker did their early days course to meet others in the area. They might still be doing that online?