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Original poster

So how bad would it REALLY be.........??????????????????????????

39 replies

hidingidentity · 07/09/2007 20:02

if I was away from DD for 6 weeks when she was 15 months old?
Would I scar her for life?
(have changed name here for obvious reasons!)

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oranges · 07/09/2007 20:04

who would you leave her with?

Tottie32 · 07/09/2007 20:06

are you going anywhere nice- i dont think you would scar her. you might miss some nice things though

Original poster
hidingidentity · 07/09/2007 20:06

A mixture of DH and my Mum (who has looked after DD before, but only for the day/weekend). DD loves both of them and would is very happy in their company, so it would be the absence of me, not the care that she got, that would be the issue IYSWIM.

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OriginalUglyBetty · 07/09/2007 20:07

As oranges said i think that is dependant on many things.

How you go, how you explain you going, and who she is left with?

Original poster
hidingidentity · 07/09/2007 20:07

Hm, don't know if it's nice or not! It would be for fertility treatment (long long story as to why I would have to travel).

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oranges · 07/09/2007 20:11

I'd build up the time she spends with your mother - can you have her stay for a week or so, and could your mother come to you, so your dd at least sees her father every day?

Original poster
hidingidentity · 07/09/2007 20:11

would be very happy in their company
Boy, I need more sleep. I must be mad to even consider having another!

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oranges · 07/09/2007 20:12

That made no sense. I meant, let your mother look after her for a week trial. Then if you do decide to go, can your mother come and stay at your house, so dd sees her dad and home each day?

DynamicNanny · 07/09/2007 20:13

I don't think it will ascar her at all - she will miss you and may need reassurance when you ge back but as a childcare worker, working with that age goup, I don't think it will scar er

Original poster
hidingidentity · 07/09/2007 20:14

The plan is to have my Mum come here for a while, so DH can see her every day. But 6 weeks would drive DH nuts. So for most of it, DD would go to home city (other family there too, my Dad, uncles, cousins etc) and DH would visit on weekends.
Basically, I'm supposed to go off and relax and concentrate on the treatment only (to give myself the best chance of it working), which seemed great when we were chatting in theory. If I thought that DD would be mentally scarred though, obviously I wouldn't be relaxed!

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oranges · 07/09/2007 20:15

Have you left her for any length of time now? Would be a bit harsh if she's always been with you and then you suddenly vanish for 6 weeks.

emkana · 07/09/2007 20:16

I think six weeks is a very very long time for such a small child. How old is your dd now? FWIW, my ds is now nearly 15 months, and there is absolutely no way that I would leave him for this long.

oranges · 07/09/2007 20:16

If the idea is that you go to relax, can your dd come with you, and maybe bring your mother along to help? I think leaving her for that long would just be stressful, and hence counterproductive, to you.

Scootergrrrl · 07/09/2007 20:16

Would it bring you back a better mother? The word treatment seems to suggest something is wrong.
If so, surely the treatment would be better than continuing with the problem?

emkana · 07/09/2007 20:17

that's a really good idea oranges

Original poster
hidingidentity · 07/09/2007 20:18

That's the problem orange, I'm a SAHM, so DD normally has only me. The longest we have been apart is 4 days. The longest DH has been apart from her is 6 days, and she didn't show any ill effect, but 6 weeks is obviously much longer.
I think that part of the problem is that I don't have experience of a 15 month child yet. Can they talk on the phone? Are they good at remembering? Would she recognise me when I got back?

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emkana · 07/09/2007 20:20

I think she would recognize you - my ds didn't see my dh for three weeks and he remembered him straight away - ds was 14 months at the time.

But esp. if you are a SAHM I think it would be very unsettling for the child.

oranges · 07/09/2007 20:21

I've left my 15 month for work - at most ten days at a time. He can listen to a voice down the phone, but won't really say anything back. My mother and dh say he does occassionally look for me, but is cheerful. When I return, he either sulks for an hour, or comes over straight away for a cuddle. I don't think he's scarred by it but I think I may blanche at six weeks.

Original poster
hidingidentity · 07/09/2007 20:21

It would be very difficult to take DD with me, even if my Mum came. In fact, it would be more difficult with my Mum too. Sorry to be a bit vague, but I don't want to identify myself here!
DH thinks that even though it could be difficult, that the benefit of having another child would be great enough to overcome that.

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Scootergrrrl · 07/09/2007 20:23

I don;t know that children that age have any conceot of time. My DH is in the army and he went away for six months when DS was seven weeks and DD was 2.6.
I think how you behave when you ARE there is much more important and if this changes that for the better then it might be worth it.

Budababe · 07/09/2007 20:24

It's a very long time. As someone who has one DS through IVF and has tried again, I coudl not leave my DS for 6 weeks even now and he is 6.

WHY do you need to leave for so long?

Quootiepie · 07/09/2007 20:25

You have to weigh it up really - leaving your baby for 6 weeks is nothing really compared to one absent parent whom they see twice a year, or being neglected or anything like that - look at the bigger picture. It's not ideal, no, but it won't actually harm your child as such. I mean, to me if you have another baby (I assume that's what your planning?) , could you look at it and say 'oh, i'd rather swap you for 6 weeks with my other child'. Sorry if that has come out toally wrong, but sometimes I have to analize (SP???) situation bluntly like that xxx

oranges · 07/09/2007 20:27

I don;t think it will harm your dd. But you have to make sure YOU can cope. When I leave ds, I enjoy the first five days, then feel I want to swim oceans to get back to him.

Quootiepie · 07/09/2007 20:27

OMG, analyse - do NOT google analize!!!

Original poster
hidingidentity · 07/09/2007 20:37

HeHe Quootiepie, well at least you've made me smile.
OK, at the risk of identifying myself in RL here goes...
We used to live abroad. When we were there, I had DI to have DD. The donor we used was anonymous, and was choosen with great care to be very similar to DH and a nice guy. We made the right choice, as several people have commented on how similar they look (both people who "know" and people who don't, it's not common knowledge). Now we've moved back to the UK. We want to have another child, and ideally one that is a complete sibling of DD. The donor we used has retired, and we wouldn't be allowed to use him here anyway, after the law changed to let donor gamete children contact the donor. Donors in the UK are in extremely short supply and as we have DD we will not be top of the list.
But we still have 4 samples in the lab of the doctor who helped us conceive DD. We considered shipping the samples, but that involves a huge amount of red tape, and the risk of everything thawing in customs.
We have phoned the doctor and he is happy to have me back as a patient. We have friends near there who would put me up and we have the cash for me to travel. The idea would be that I would go there for 2 cycles. I would come back after the second cycle even if I wasn't pregnant. If I get lucky and I'm pregnant after the first cycle, then I come straight back.
Hope that explains everything!

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