Bad mum

[Nammech111]

Does anyone else feel like a bad mum?.. I feel like I must be doing something wrong.
I have friends with babies similar ages and they have been sleeping through since 3 months, they are rolling, saying mama!!.

My little one is really thriving but at 8 months , never wants to sleep, wakes at 4.45 in the morning, won't roll, isn't pointing, isn't saying mama!! , which to be honest I thought was fine because shes is young, until I met my friends and they seem to be nailing it, not finding it difficult at all.

I'm exhausted, even during the day she wont let me out of her sight. I know I shouldn't compare I'm just feeling like such a failure, I'm very affectionate with my DD and she is with us, maybe I havent let her be as independent as they other babies

Sorry I just needed to say it.

My daughter is 8 months and doesn't point or say any words yet and neither do my friends kids who are the same age. Don't get hung up on what everyone else's are doing.

Might I add, one friends baby is crawling 😢😢😢 why do I feel such pressure!!

@20viona do you sometimes think parents fib about their kids? Like I'm so open and love to get together with another mum and say how hard it is!! But my friends are perfect, no struggles, babies are Angel's.

8 months is tiny. I doubt very much this is anything at all to do with your parenting and just that babys develop at different stages.
It can be really hard not to compare but honestly once they start moving about and calling "mummy" CONSTANTLY you will long for the day you can put them down and they stay where they are!
If you are worried speak to your health visitor for some reassurance.

Sleeping through is a big big myth designed to get you to spend money on sleep books/formula/consultants/programs etc. Don't worry! She sounds totally normal!

Pointing and saying mama are very unusual at 8 months so I wouldn't worry about these milestones. For rolling, does she get time to kick about on a flat surface e.g. floor, bed, playpen? Or is she constantly being held and/or in "containers" (car seat, buggy, jumperoo etc). Some babies who struggle with being put down naturally don't get this so please don't take it as a criticism - some of them need more time and support to "adjust" to the world than others. But if she hasn't had time to practice those skills then it's normal that she wouldn't be able to do them.

Being affectionate is a brilliant milestone and achievement, don't put that part down :) you can't really make them more or less independent at this age, it's totally down to personality. My first baby loved being held all the time and my second is much more independent - they are just like that from birth. Once you get more language and communication with them then you can encourage independence a bit more but at this age you largely have to go with what they naturally want.

People find different stages hard. And different babies are different. DS2 is 18 months and I can honestly say no stage has been hard with him yet. But I remember DS1 being super frustrating once he was past the newborn phase where he was happy to cuddle all the time, because he wanted to be close but then wanted to touch everything I was doing, so unless I engaged in baby friendly activities all sodding day he would be miserable and grumpy. And then he couldn't get himself around and didn't sit up until he was 9 months old so he was frustrated about that as well and it was really wearing. And then even when he did learn to crawl and sit up he wouldn't sit there and play, he wanted to be with me all the time. Once he got to about the age DS2 is now, maybe a bit younger, I found him easier again.

By which I mean: They might be geniunely finding it easier now, but you might breeze through the toddler age because your DC will be starting to communicate and do things by themself whereas they are struggling with their DC throwing tantrums and exerting their will! We all have different strengths.

@bertiebotts, if I am completely honest I do hold her a lot, shes teething at the minute and is a fiery red head that screams at me over everything.
I'm a first time mum and quite an anxious person so it does stress me when she's screaming (not crying) so I hold her.

She is very cuddly always wants to be touching or rubbing her face into mine, shes beautiful.

Thank you all for reassuring me, I do know every babies different, I just think the lack of sleep is killing me too, everyone keeps saying I need to let her cry it out now, I just don't feel strong enough at the minute and really don't want to take that route 😔

Oh and sorry she has rolled about 6 times but really spaced apart. Like she's done it twice in a row, from her belly to back and then its another 2 weeks and she might do it again. She shuffles herself round more 😂

Yes maybe they are just having an easier ride than me, maybe their babies are just angels and sleeping.

I just want to do the best for my DD, and her clinging and literally a stranger looks at her and she blows up, she's with me 247, still on maternity and it's not so good for her. I can't wait to get back to work just so she can be more independent from me.

Firstly, you do NOT need to let her cry it out. Please ignore anyone telling you you do.

Secondly, I struggle to believe any 8 month old is saying mama...although I do recall my DD's babbling had lots of 'mm' sounds so I probably could have convinced myself she was saying mama if I wanted to be able to tell the world she was really advanced. Likewise, 8 months is really early for pointing.

It sounds like you're doing just fine :) if you're conscious she doesn't go down much then you could make a point of giving her 5 minutes of tummy time every day. Although from your last post it sounds as though she can roll just doesn't want to 😂

And yes to people lying about how hard their babies are! Either that or my kids are the only ones who didn't sleep through from birth. I find it really odd...if someone asks me how they sleep then I'm happy to launch into a long-winded moan about how terrible they are 😂

I really dont want to let her cry it out, it's not my style, my sisters have done it and it worked for them.
I tried the other night for 30 seconds and it was horrendous.
I hold her a lot when she naps, if I don't hold her she will nap for 20 mins where as if I hold her I get longer, maybe this is why she won't sleep. She just wants to be with me.

I havent heard my friends baby say mama just she said he does. And sleeps though and wakes at 9 in the morning!!!
I have no problem her waking at 5am, if she would just sleep through.
Why aren't people honest about how hard it can be, like they are scared it means they are struggling?

Baby’s all develop at different rates and some of those things you mentioned are way out of expected mile stones for this age. You also seem to be mixing up your parenting and baby’s outcome. I’m not saying don’t encourage your baby to develop but let them go at their own pace.

I could boast about the crawling and currently sleeping well (2 feeds a night) but I have to hold her for every sleep and 3 weeks ago she was walking more often than my friend’s new born. Everything is a phase and baby you develop quickly arent necessarily at head of their peers when they start school. Growing up is a marathon not a sprint.

Ah I had a 5am waker, and she'd wake god knows how many times. Also would only nap on me. She'll be 3 in May, and goes to bed no trouble now and sleeps through until 7 or 8am. And she had no trouble napping without being held in nursery, just liked cuddles with mum I guess!

Does anyone have any advise for putting her to bed easier? Without the crying method?.

We have started quiet time at half six. Letting her play with quiet toys and soft music on for half hour to try and calm her down.
Only done it for two nights so dont know if it's working yet.

I do appreciate everyone writing back, it really has made me feel better, just honesty .

I think they're fibbing, or fudging what is baby babble slightly. 8 months is so small, by the DS could smile and roll and baby babble. Your LO sounds completely normal. DS is nearly 3 and hasn't slept through since 4 month olds. He didnt say mama till he was 9/10 months old, and pointing came around the same time.

He started comando crawling about 9/10 months, then took his first step just before his first birthday. Baring in mind I've known some kids to bypass crawling and go straight into walking.

Honestly dont worry, although there are development milestones they are just an average. Babys dont know about them, and develop at their own rate. When they are ready, they do it and not before.

The exhaustion thing is more common that not. In the unlikely event your friends babies are perfect, they are in the minority. I'm often frazzled and burnt out at the end of the day, as is every parent I know. Your doing a good job, and your a good mummy. Never doubt that. So long as your baby is loved and cared for, then yes you are nailing it!

DS was 2.5 before he started saying anything beyond mammy, daddy and car. I was worried out of my mind, then one day he just started talking.

So please dont worry, you sound like your doing everything right

Sorry just read your update. Please dont let her cry it out, shes so small still. Babys at that age only stop crying because they learn it gets no response, which is heart breaking. We started using a baby mat and jumper for DS at that age, started off at five minutes and built it up gradually.

Can your DD sit up or hold her head up? If so it may be worth doing this so she begins to get used to not being held for short periods of time. With DS getting him to sleep, he used to go on his daddy's chest. That worked for us. People said not too but we ignored them, as you do what's right for you and your baby. Dont feel guilty about holding her to sleep.

The only thing we didnt do was co sleep, however that is a personal choice so please if you do co sleep, dont take it as a critisism

Just seen you said cry it out isnt your style. Ignore my previous comment. See what exhaustion does to you? 😂 you sound like a brilliant mummy, the key word you used is thriving. So long as your baby is thriving, your doing a top job!

OP your DD sounds like mine at that age, I felt like a shit mum too at times. She wouldn't even let anyone else hold her for the first year, let alone let me out of her sight. Piercingly loud cry which I heard a LOT. Woke up ready for each day at 5am, which became 4am when the clocks went back. Didn't crawl until ten months, two of her NCT pals were walking by then.

By her first birthday she was a different baby. She's now 14 months and she is the happiest, most sociable baby in town so I clearly did something right. A lot of her NCT baby pals have become trickier - tantrums, clingy, destructive - and their mums tell me to be smug as they remember how difficult DD was! She's sleeping until 6 or 7 every day and crawling like a maniac, she'll be walking soon I'm sure.

I'm enjoying this phase of easy DD - hang on in there, yours will come.

Different children are different. I have friends who babies have slept through from being a few months old. Mine at 20 months and 5 years old still don't every night. I was up twice last night with the youngest.

They crawled at different times, walked at different times and have very different language abilities. That's also reflected across my friends who have multiple children.

Dc1 never really crawled and went straight to walking/cruising at around 13 months.
Dc2 was crawling at six months (mostly to get her brother's stuff). She was slower to walk than him.

Dc1 stopped napping at 16 months but would sleep in the pushchair and car. Dc2 still naps at 20 months but will only sleep in a cot or my arms. She just screams through car journeys/pushchair trips when she is really tired.

Ultimately though you say I'm very affectionate with my DD and she is with us... that sounds like a very good mum to me.

Is she in her own room? This really made a difference to my DD (8 months).

Do not compare babies. It will only make you feel like shit and I guarantee people lie about how much sleep they get.

Firstly - comparison is the thief of joy. Your baby will be doing things that other babies aren’t, and vice versa. Don’t worry about the things she’s not doing, she’s been concentrating on other skills instead.

Secondly - you asked do mothers lie. YES, I generally think some do. Or at least, try to put a WAY more positive slant on things than what’s actually happening in reality. I think it’s all about perception too.

For example, my son was the “last” in my Mums group to potty train. I wasn’t particularly worried, he did it when he was ready. But, when he DID do it, it was all learned very quickly. Sure, he had a few accidents but really he was reliably dry day and night very quickly. Met up with with the Mums for a play date and they were all talking about how theirs were still wearing nappies at night etc - and I was thinking “hold on. You all said you were potty trained!” I’m sure they didn’t think they were lying either - just that my perception is when a kid is potty trained it means reliably dry day and night. It obviously meant something different to them.

Also, from your posts you sound like a very loving, caring mother.

You’re doing a fantastic job. Just keep following your instincts. They have, and will continue to, serve you well!
Only you know you and your baby. Do what’s right for you!

She can sit up great, few cushions just incase but she doesn't fall back.
She's a quiet baby in the sense is she's watching and observing everything, she has her loud moment as she's throwing a tantrum to be picked up lol.

She's been in her own room a week. She was bad for the first few nights as expected. But now she's sleeping or not sleeping the same as before.

I remember taking her for a walk when she was 3 days old, a long walk. She stayed awake the entire time. I should have known!!.

It's so nice to hear people being honest about their children.

Comparing is definitely wrong, and I feel guilty because shes happy.

Health visitor come 3 weeks back and said how healthy she is (chubby baby lol) and I didn't tell her my concerns which I probably should have so she could ease me.

My little boy was not doing any of those things at 8 months!! He's my second so less stressed about everything. At 10 months, in the space of a week, he crawled, clapped, pulled himself to standing and started saying mama and papa!! He pointed today and he's nearly 11 months. Please enjoy your baby! I remember comparing my first to his NCT friends, some were properly talking at 13 months. Now at 3.5 there is no difference between them.