What's the difference between special needs and poor parenting?

[Knocksomesense]

PLEASE Answer gently, I'm asking out of desperation. It's an insensitive question but I genuinely mean it and not in a bad way.

I have a three year old who has been tough since the day he was born. Infection from birth, breathing difficulties, reflux, then gastric issues we think related to gluten. He has issues with his vision, his balance/coordination, possibly poor muscle tone. He's had a lot of infections requiring antibiotics and has flagged concern on his 12m and 24m development check. They did a 36m check because of this and his gross motor was flagged as behind.

For us, he is a challenge. He is emotionally volatile, doesn't seek comfort if he injures himself, he cries and cries and screams. He deliberately urinates. He spits at me. He can get overwhelmed in some situations such as supermarket shopping. He's also caring, loving and gentle.

For the first time ever today his preschool witnessed some of these behaviours. He's been with them nearly 12 months and I was called in today. It sounds like he was awful - he needed 1:1 all morning.

She said I need to place boundaries, be firm and that I am the boss/not him.

I honestly feel like we are doing our best to put in boundaries. We are firm but also have to ignore some stuff as he constantly seeks negative attention - we could tell him off every 90 seconds if we were to be critical.

So what is the difference between SN and poor parenting? Was she saying it's down to poor parenting? She said she knows that we love bomb and try to be positive with him but we need to lay down the law. Maybe we are shit parents. Maybe we are too caring. Our 2 year old has had none of these issues, even accounting for the age difference

Have you spoken to the nursery about any potential SN?

I think you already know the answer to this really, don't you?
You are great parents. It's par for the course with a child with special needs that someone will observe your parenting, notice that you are doing something different from what normally works, and jump to the conclusion it is the parenting that is causing the behaviours rather than it being a response to the child reacting differently in the first place.
Your post sounds to me very much like you know what you are doing. Keep faith in yourself x

A lot of children don't respond to boundaries and sanctions if they have SEN.
Look at positive parenting stratagies to see if they help. If nothing works there is probably more going on.
I would consider that his early childhood could be classed as an ACE due to his health issues and may have caused attatchment issues. Thereaputic parenting could really help with this. I would look into this syle of parenting anyway it is very positive based upon natural consequences and works well for children with asd and N.T children too.
His physical issues could point to something else though. It can be difficult to distinguish attachment difficulties from something like asd. Or it could just be his age and he may grow out of it, 3 is a difficult age.
I would do as nursery suggests for a month and keep a diary. If things do not improve take the diary and show them all you have done and ask if they can refer for assessment. Your G.P can also refer you but I would do the diary first as it g.p/ nursery will take your concerns more seriously.
Poor parents are not usually aware and don't tent to ask for advice so don't beat yourself up. Professionals sometime like to impy the issue it a home, usually it isn't and there is something underlying.

From what you've said, it's very likely this is NOT to do with poor parenting. I'd suggest seeing your gp and health visitor.

Also, read up about gut bacteria. There is some emerging evidence about bad gut bacteria (microbiome) affecting behaviour in children. Having lots of antibiotics can affect gut bacteria negatively. Don't worry though, this can be fixed with food and supplements. There's links between bad gut bacteria and many kinds of ill health in children and adults.

I'm not a doctor or an expert in this, just read a lot about it.

I'm quite surprised that this is the first time they have experienced these behaviours if they have had him for a year. If it is the first time i'm more surprised that you were called in for a critique of your parenting rather than a heads up that he was having a bad day. Something doesnt add up there.

As Foobydoo said professionals tend to imply that it's an issue at home but often that isn't the case at all. You already know he has some SN and parenting him won't necessarily look the same as other people's parenting. The usual strategies don't work.

My youngest has complex needs and I let stuff go all the time, not because I'm lazy or crap but because I need to save my battles for the really important stuff.

As an early years practitioner I'd be working with you to help your son not blaming your parenting and expecting you to magically make my day with your son easier. (Which is what this is by the way.)

I think the diary is a good idea followed by a visit to see the GP. I would go into school and make an appointment to see the headteacher or

Oops- didn't finish SENCO as you want to try to get the school working with you

Special needs are caused by physical or neurological reasons. Poor parenting is sociological.

Sometimes they go hand in hand. Some children with SEN respond well to form boundaries/rules/routine. Others do not.

one universal trait of a bad parent is that they aren't particularly bothered whether or not they are a good parent. if you are having these worries then you are not a bad parent. you are doing the best you can.

your child may or may not turn out to have some form of special needs or neurodiversity. either way, there are going to be techniques for discipline and reward which work and are helpful and things that are unhelpful. you will be the expert on what works for your child. you will constantly get bombarded with well meaning advice on what you are doing wrong from all kinds of people whether random strangers or professionals who ought to know to keep their mouth shut if they don't know the full picture. you will need to develop a thick skin because the comments labeling an SEN child as "just naughty" will never stop.

OP, you already know the answer. Your other child is fine. They had the same parents! Ergo- it can’t be the fault of your parenting.
I hope you get lots of moral support here on MN, but I think what you really need is a proper paediatric/developmental assessment of your son and a management plan for how to maximise his potential and deal with his problems. Being patronised by care workers or criticised for your parenting technique is utterly demoralising and will do nothing to help.
I’d start by writing out a list of problem behaviours and observed difficulties with motor development, vision, speech etc, and taking it to your GP.

Ask your gp or health visitor to refer you for the incredible years parenting course.

I have children with SEN and I was enormously offended when referred .. it felt like they were implying my parenting was sub par - causing the issues.

Let me tell you the incredible years course is hard .. it makes you address issues with yourself but goodness .. our lives are vastly different and my younger two (the two with the major behaviour issues) are self regulating, able to
Communicate and more importantly can be reasoned with.

I cannot advocate it enough.

Good luck xx

It's extremely common for parents of children with special needs to be labelled as poor parents before diagnosis and the realisation that they're actually bloody awesome parents. I was sent on so many parenting courses I lost count. Nobody got that it doesn't work. Rewards don't work. Punishments don't work Eventually she got an autism diagnosis and now everyone thinks I need a parenting award, including DD.

If he has been there for 12 months and they’ve never seen this behaviour before that seems an odd overreaction to assume you need to put boundaries in place and insinuate you are the issue. On one off days when my three year is badly behaved, it’s nearly always because of something easily attributable (feeling unwell, tired, overwhelmed, hungry etc) and not bad parenting.

Do you have any investigations being carried out or support to help you?

I just wrote a massive response and lost it. I'm too tired to hash all that emotion out.

I was worried and now I'm cross.

His brother started there last week so I think this is the catalyst for change.

I dont think they are going to be supportive of his needs

I've been asking for support since he was very young. No one seems to understand what I'm saying

I'm spitting chips. Really thinking of withdrawing him. I'm cross now- have found my anger. How dare they blame me

Film him at home show them how he is. Make a GP appointment and show them too, explain his behaviour and your concerns. He needs an assessment for his needs and potentially a diagnosis. I have no idea what that might be, there are several possibilities.

He needs help and support and all the boundaries in the world won't change the part of the brain that is wired differently.

Don't be too cross with them, they're probably shocked at the extent of his needs that was made very obvious today and possibly not very well trained when it comes to SEN ,especially without a diagnosis.

Talk to their SENCO or nursery manager. Tell them what works and what doesn't and ask for them to assess him too.

It's a very small setting. It was the head teacher that I met with this afternoon.

My boy has finally been brave enough to show them his inner workings and they've squashed it with anger and ridicule.

I don't think there will be a diagnosis. I think it's trauma and insecure attachment. I was worried it was asd but he doesnt, in my view, tick those boxes- asd wouldn't fully explain it

For a start, at that age, if it was poor parenting, he would respond pretty well to and be quite reassured by normal school discipline and not need 1:1 all morning.

And what makes you think that trauma and secure attachment is the issue? Does he have a history which would precipitate this?

My DD was as good as gold at nursery and school and then erupted the moment she got home. She could keep it together for a while but once she felt safe she let it all out. She's still the same now at 26. Her school didn't see behind the mask until she was 17 and when they did they were floored by it.

What makes you think trauma and insecure attachment? If you do think this, a play therapist might be an idea.

He was removed from me at 3 days old for a period of time and from birth has had a lot of (minor) medical procedures/tests

It just alarms me that this is the only morning he has shown such behaviour and they are coming down so harshly. Despite the fact that for the last 12 months I've been saying to them he has emotional regulation issues.

How long were you separated, OP?