What's the difference between special needs and poor parenting?

[Knocksomesense]

PLEASE Answer gently, I'm asking out of desperation. It's an insensitive question but I genuinely mean it and not in a bad way.

I have a three year old who has been tough since the day he was born. Infection from birth, breathing difficulties, reflux, then gastric issues we think related to gluten. He has issues with his vision, his balance/coordination, possibly poor muscle tone. He's had a lot of infections requiring antibiotics and has flagged concern on his 12m and 24m development check. They did a 36m check because of this and his gross motor was flagged as behind.

For us, he is a challenge. He is emotionally volatile, doesn't seek comfort if he injures himself, he cries and cries and screams. He deliberately urinates. He spits at me. He can get overwhelmed in some situations such as supermarket shopping. He's also caring, loving and gentle.

For the first time ever today his preschool witnessed some of these behaviours. He's been with them nearly 12 months and I was called in today. It sounds like he was awful - he needed 1:1 all morning.

She said I need to place boundaries, be firm and that I am the boss/not him.

I honestly feel like we are doing our best to put in boundaries. We are firm but also have to ignore some stuff as he constantly seeks negative attention - we could tell him off every 90 seconds if we were to be critical.

So what is the difference between SN and poor parenting? Was she saying it's down to poor parenting? She said she knows that we love bomb and try to be positive with him but we need to lay down the law. Maybe we are shit parents. Maybe we are too caring. Our 2 year old has had none of these issues, even accounting for the age difference

imho, ime, MNer view is:

SN that has a name: "Poor you, that's tough."
not SN but still difficult young person in the picture: "You bad parent should be very ashamed of yourself."

Nothing inbetween allowed.

Only 36 hours. But I believe there was some pnd involved. He could scream for 9h or more as a newborn.

I dont think there is true sen. But he is currently well into a meltdown. 36 minutes and counting. Dh is just taking a turn

My son has asd, his school did not believe me because he is so good at masking. I took videos of his behaviour outside just to prove a point. They were shocked because they had never seen it. School blamed our parenting but it wasn’t. I attended parenting courses as well but it was like teaching me to suck eggs.
The system is so frustrating and you get nowhere fast.

Just finished a 1h15m screaming meltdown and tucked him into bed. That was epic and intense. I'm so cross with school as that's the worst we've had in a long time. Perhaps unfairly, I am squarely blaming that meltdown on them

Don't rule out SN. My son has ASD and is also suffering the effects of trauma. This was due to how he was treated at his primary school (also significant PTSD). He is older now and this was teased out and diagnosed by a child psychologist. I'm not saying your DS is traumatised at all, just that it's not necessarily cut and dried.

Don't feel bad blaming them for the meltdown...they were quick enough to blame you for his behaviour after all.

Now that they have spoken to you it's the ideal time to ask them how they are going to support your son.

OP please get your child assessed. GP first for a referral to a paediatrician.

With the best will in the world you can say you feel ASD doesn't fit, but it has a huge variety of signs/symptoms etc of varying severity. Every child is different. He could have ASD alongside something else. Or he could have nothing at all. But you need to know what you're dealing with. Self diagnosis of an attachment disorder (highly unlikely after just 36 hours) won't help him.

If he has a condition, then it's not your parenting! So so many parents of children with SEN are told they're bad parents. It's awful.

My DD is almost 4 and diagnosed ASD with a pathological demand avoidance profile. She is amazing, wonderful but can be so challenging. She has been different and difficult since the moment she was born. I could never take her anywhere, she just used to scream. Eventually I stopped taking her - I wasn't going to put her through something that she evidently found so distressing just so I could grab coffee with a friend at a soft play for example. But then so many times I was told she was like she was because I had mollycoddled her. Actually when she was diagnosed, I knew I'd done the right thing. I wasn't mollycoddling, I was instinctively reacting to my child's needs, which were different to that of other children and parents.

I have another child, who could not be more different from my eldest. It's not my parenting. They're different children.

Regardless, your child's behaviour is not 'normal'. You need to get to the bottom of why, so that you can address it and you can only do that when you know what you're dealing with. So, GP and get him assessed!

Firstly you seem very insightful, willing to learn and are clearly caring, a combo which makes for a good parent!

It is true that, depending on the nature, severity and duration of PND and the circumstances around his removal from you this is enough to cause emotion regulation problems and lead to insecure attachment (and its consequence).

That's not to say there isn't something neurological going on instead or as well, but his life history would also explain it.

A referral to CAMHS asking for parenting support would be my suggestion. Once there you can explain your theory and see what training you can have in parenting a traumatised child and build on what you already do/stop what might inadvertently make it worse.

It is too early for a Paed to look into diagnosis I would say.

Ask the school what precipitated the meltdown? For a year he has been well regulated at nursery school. What changed that day?

It could have been a new staff member, a change to routine, he may have been told off in some way. It's worth investigating.

My eldest son had no help throughout his time in primary as the sen coordinator at the time decided that I was a weak parent and needed to grow some balls he went to a paediatrician who said his behaviour was consistent with a child with sen we had a school meeting where she said to him that he needed investigating she dismissed him saying I know what's best and he allowed this and no further action was taken he masked for several more years until year 5 when his teacher got him assessed he has sensory processing disorder and after more tests he is hyper mobile but his knee tendons have shortened and his knee is fixed bent he has some help in school now but it's not enough he is year six and failing

My advice is go to the doctors and get help

I’m a professional and I work on an autism diagnosis team. I think it’s worth exploring.

Unfortunately in the NHS system, parents are often sent on parenting courses as part of the route to diagnosis. There’s a perception that poor parenting needs to be excluded, however it’s also a way to look as though something is being done, when in fact they’re just waiting on a long waiting list.

If you were in our clinic, I’d say it doesn’t sound like your parenting is an issue.

Thank you all so much for your replies. I have a very good friend who is a psychotherapist dealing with these exact issues in children. She's a great support.

I'm going to go away and think about the latest lot of replies and get back to this thread after I've had a think.

The waters are currently muddied by the fact that he's just turned three and so is naturally testing boundaries and also he has a brother who has just entered terrible twos

I have a meeting at school today. Feeling slightly anxious

Have you had him checked for 22q.11 deletion? Everything you mention - physical and behavioural - is associated with that.

That's an absolutely fascinating read. @Wombleofwimbledon1984 thank you for that. I just had a look at the nhs website. Some of it really does match up but he doesn't seem THAT severe. If that makes sense.

It might be worth looking into as it’s a really wide spectrum - some people have it very very mildly, but the stuff online is mega scary (my baby has just been diagnosed and I am 6 months pregnant and am staying away from google!)

How did the meeting go op?

36 hours separation after birth does not cause attachment disorders!

Most newborns were separated from their mothers and put in hospital nurseries until the most recent generation or so.

He needs a full paediatric developmental assessment ASAP.

It’s sounds like he does have a SN.

Parenting is another issue- if you feel like you would benefit from more guidance on this sign up to a local class - ask heath visitor for details. We can all improve our parenting techniques- don’t take it personally.

The meeting was fine. They've said they can support personally but until the observe more of the behaviours we are saying he shows, then they can't take it any further. They also said in school they would say he is happy, active, a good learner who is well adjusted. They said he has some motor skill issues and toileting issues but is caring and friendly. She kind of apologised and said she was trying to empower me and tell me I could say no if I needed to. A bit of a back track to be honest.

The urination is driving me nuts. He pooed on his bedroom carpet today.

I'm just left feeling lost and that I'm either being too harsh on him or imagining it. But I really don't think I am. Everything is just a drama and I feel I'm walking on eggshells with him as he's so volatile. I don't walk on eggshells as it would, I think, make him worse. We don't pander to him but he doesnt take to boundaries very well. Even simple ones like no you can't hit your brother.

Dh is fed up of talking and worrying. We've had this on the agenda basically forever. It's a tedious worry.