Coming to terms with being an older parent

[GrumpyHoonMain]

I am 39, 40 in a few months, and have a much wanted and beautiful 3 month old baby conceived after years of ttc / IVF. Over the past few days I have had a (probably delayed) realisation of just how old I will be as he gets older.

My own mum was 22 when I was born (and dad was 27) and is only in her early sixties now. She had her youngest child at 35). While not the most involved parent she has been an excellent grandmother. She cares for the kids (not mine, but my siblings’) to give the parents a break, building memories with them. She still active though not as much as she was due to several disabilities, has been retired for a while and as we are all independent can go on holidays etc. She is really enjoying her retirement and leads a fairly contented life according to her. She and dad may, if they take care of themselves, even be able to be great-grandparents.

I won’t be able to do that. When I am 61 my child will be 22, probably just getting to terms with life outside of uni, and I will still be years off retirement age. I won’t have the same relationship with my grandchildren as she and my dad do as I will probably be pushing 70 when they’re born. I have no hope of ever seeing my great-grandkids.

I know I should enjoy what I have right now, but to be honest I feel like Infertility and IVF have robbed me of a future. Does anyone else feel like this? To be honest it’s really upsetting me and there are times when I am in tears about it - DH understands and has had similar thoughts but is able to put it on the back of his mind. For me it seems to be all I can think of. Especially considering I might not be able to have a second child. I guess it’s hitting me hard because none of this was my choice - if it had been up to me I would have had kids at 30.

I’m not expecting answers to any of this. I just wanted to get it all out and hopefully come to terms with it. I don’t really know why I’m posting this here really but it would be nice to hear from other older mums.

For me it's the financial side.
Children in their teens to early twenties need money for university, help with cars, driving lessons. Food bills are huge teenagers eat loads.
In your 60's you need to be earning more than in your 40's to pay for it all.
If you are financially secure you will be fine, if you are not it will be difficult

Parkhead paradise I am so so sorry. How awful.
Op, I do understand, but i have similar feelings and I had my children younger. counting down howc long I have left with them, how old my grandchildren might be when I'm 80 etc. You sound like you're doing the right thing in getting help but I do think having children makes us aware of our own mortality so much more.

I was just saying to dh that we got married when my mum was the age I am now. She helped me when I had my dc and has been a lovely grandma. My youngest is 7 and was born when I was 40. If she waits til Her 30’s to have her dc, like I was, I’ll be in my 70’s ( hopefully!)
But it’s just how it is and we’re blessed to have her in our lives.
We all have to follow our own path.

Many people are not even this fortunate.

Hi op... I 100% feel the same as you right now... I turned 40 a few weeks ago and my little one will be 1 mid March.... I've had the same thoughts about my age when she's 10,20,30 ,30 etc... Her grandparents also look after her when I'm at work which they all love doing but they themselves aren't getting any younger... Its like I get age guilt and I feel sad that I might not be around if that makes sense? It's definitely something I need to come to terms with aswell and to just enjoy every minute of her and try not to look too far into the future.. xx

It does make me realise how short life is. Living a healthy life to 150 would be fab

My maternal grandparents died when my mum was 18 and my paternal grandfather the year before I was born. My paternal grandmother died when I was 11, in her early sixties. My parents neighbour was widowed with four small children at 38. You have no control over these things.

I'm just turned 37, my DS is seven months, my parents are in their mid-sixties and MIL in her 70s and they're all fit and well and having an absolute ball with him. If there's another I'll be 39 and while it's maybe not totally ideal, DH having DSD at 20 wasn't ideal either. They'll all be grand.

I mean, we were saved from having to talk MIL out of trying to mind him full-time by her sisters whisking her off to the other side forward of the world three months just after I went back to work - they'd both have loved it, but he's an utter tornado and she's just finished full-time minding of our niece (now 7, also a tornado) and we'd like her to do weird things like relax, take time for herself and enjoy the youngest grandchild without obligations. I forsee regular escapes from nursery for granny adventures once he's walking, to be honest.

I understand how you feel because I have often thought that if my kids have kids at the age I had them I might not be around. But you can't expect your kids to have kids in order to fulfil your own wishes, they might not want to or they might have fertility issues. If you love kids then you could volunteer at a school or baby group at any age. As your baby gets older they might join the cubs, you could be one a cub leader. Your child will open up new experiences for you so look forward to that and enjoy what you have

My DD 16 was just saying to me recently how the generation gap between us seems much narrower than the gap between my mother and me.

My mum had me young at 25 - altho that was normal back then, but my dd and i feeeel like the age gap between us is much closer than the one between my mum and me.

I plan to live a long time and when i die, whether my dd is 30 or 50, ill feel like we KNEW each other and ill know my dd will feel loved by me even when im gone.
My mum will interrupt me with her last breath!

Congratulations on your beautiful baby boy. I am 33 with a 2 year old via ivf we tried to conceive since I was 28 and are starting our 5th round of ivf now to get sibling (2nd resulting in DS). I honestly feel the same as you granted I am younger, however, when things dont happen when we plan for them too and you struggle to conceive its not how you mapped life out for yourself. I feel in a terrible rush to get pregnant again. I honestly say its an ivf thing more than anything making you feel this way and if you'd had of conceived naturally you wouldn't be over thinking as much xx

Enjoy your beautiful baby and try to put these thoughts aside. We never know what the future holds, so try not to worry about what's beyond our control. Your hormones and mum emotions are in overdrive but will settle out.

One of my dc (a dd) is 13. I am 48. Last year she was telling me about her new friend having an older dm like her. Don't worry she said I am very happy with you as a dm!! She also told me when I asked was I told old for a hairband that I wasn't too old for anything!!
Felt very proud!!

You have them when you have them... and before contraception women regularly had children into their forties and sometimes even fifties. I had mine late 30's/early 40's and there are positives and negatives... lots more time to give them as careers established, more money... perimenopause is the biggest personal challenge! You do what you can do and love them, that's all.

Also my parents were older as well... my mother's twin had children 20 years earlier. We certainly benefitted from the positives above and in fact have very, very different lives from our cousins. My parents even though in their 70's/80's are still pretty active and involved grandparents too.

Like my own mother, I had a baby at 38 (and she had a fourth at 42). My sisters had their children in their 40s. Speaking for myself, I have no regrets about being an older parent. The positive things about being an older parent are more patience, more life- experience and the knowledge that difficult times can and do pass, more financial security and also I had had my raving/ clubbing/ travelling experiences and didn't feel resentful or sad that I couldn’t do these things anymore.
It is very normal to feel anxieties or intrusive thoughts after the experience of childbirth and you have undergone a huge hormonal, physical and emotional life-change. There is help out there- anti-depressants, counselling, health visitors and places like Mumsnet. If any of your feelings are linked to a difficult birth then you can request a debriefing and this might help you come to terms with this part of the process. Take each day at a time, try to get out with the baby in the pram every day and know that these feelings will pass- they are likely to be an expression of anxiety .

I was 39 when my lo was born.

It would have been wonderful if it had happened before, but it didn't and I cannot change that. So I take the approach of only worrying about what I have any control over.

Likewise I may not make 95 as I'd love, to get as much time as possible with my child etc seeing them grow and develop. BUT I try to make every moment I do have matter! I've been blessed and always let my child know that.

Yes I was over twice the age my own mother was at my birth and may not know ggc. But how lucky have I been. I have a healthy gorgeous child!

I try to focus on the positive otherwise the negative is like a massive rabbit hole that you cannot find your way out of!