Coming to terms with being an older parent

[GrumpyHoonMain]

I am 39, 40 in a few months, and have a much wanted and beautiful 3 month old baby conceived after years of ttc / IVF. Over the past few days I have had a (probably delayed) realisation of just how old I will be as he gets older.

My own mum was 22 when I was born (and dad was 27) and is only in her early sixties now. She had her youngest child at 35). While not the most involved parent she has been an excellent grandmother. She cares for the kids (not mine, but my siblings’) to give the parents a break, building memories with them. She still active though not as much as she was due to several disabilities, has been retired for a while and as we are all independent can go on holidays etc. She is really enjoying her retirement and leads a fairly contented life according to her. She and dad may, if they take care of themselves, even be able to be great-grandparents.

I won’t be able to do that. When I am 61 my child will be 22, probably just getting to terms with life outside of uni, and I will still be years off retirement age. I won’t have the same relationship with my grandchildren as she and my dad do as I will probably be pushing 70 when they’re born. I have no hope of ever seeing my great-grandkids.

I know I should enjoy what I have right now, but to be honest I feel like Infertility and IVF have robbed me of a future. Does anyone else feel like this? To be honest it’s really upsetting me and there are times when I am in tears about it - DH understands and has had similar thoughts but is able to put it on the back of his mind. For me it seems to be all I can think of. Especially considering I might not be able to have a second child. I guess it’s hitting me hard because none of this was my choice - if it had been up to me I would have had kids at 30.

I’m not expecting answers to any of this. I just wanted to get it all out and hopefully come to terms with it. I don’t really know why I’m posting this here really but it would be nice to hear from other older mums.

I think by realising it's normal and it will pass. I think it's a natural mother thing to want the best situation. The best situation is being a loving reliable mother.

Turn your frown upside down OP! Congrats on your baby. Start trying to look on the bright side and enjoy all the years ahead. You are unlikely to be a great grandparent, but you are going to be a parent and hopefully grandparent. I do empathize though as I'm going to be forty f*cking seven in 3 months time and I have 3 children, the youngest is 2. But, everytime I worry about being older, I think 'good for me' life is great, I'm so lucky to have my babies, I'm older and wiser and have everything to offer. I hope you get to grips with it OP x

I think it’s an adjustment period to what life has given you rather than what you had planned.
My ds was born after ivf 18 years ago and I hated the thought that I hadn’t been able to just have a baby when I chose to. Then when my second ds was born 5 years later I wished I had had a smaller age gap.
I also wish my marriage had worked out, that I hadn’t put my children through their parents separating and that I could give them more.

But. I’ve had to accept that my life isn’t the fairytale that I’d hoped for when I was younger. That the path I’d have chosen for myself isn’t the path I’ve gone down.

I think you will have to find peace with what your life has given you. You have to be grateful that you are a mum now - and that your ds has a loving mum that will always do her best for him, no matter what age she is!

This saddens me sometimes too.

I met my husband 6 months after my mother died, and had my first child 18 months later. If only it had all happened in time for her to meet him, be at my wedding, and meet her beautiful granddaughter.

But it's all easier to be rational (and grateful!) about without pregnancy hormones swirling around. It's ok to spend a little time grieving, as long as you don't miss out on the joy your baby will bring you.

My parents adopted me as a newborn when they were respectively 40 and 43, so obviously loads of vetting/checks and SS didn't bat an eye in regards to 'older parents', and if anyone was going to consider it an obstacle it'd be SS. I'm now in my 40s and a GP myself and DM is now a DGM. I'll admit not necessarily very hands on due to disability, but very much thrilled to spend time with DGC. If you feel worried about the future I'd advise to look into securing funds that will potentially help DC to facilitate uni, 1st car, house deposit when 18 if you can afford the savings. It may help you feel less worried about ensuring their future if something happened to you, but you have as much chance of remaining fit and well as the next person.

OP I've not been in your position, was mid twenties when I had my two, but honestly you just have to live life in my moment and enjoy what you've got. There are so many variables in life, you could be in excellent health into extreme old age, my DGM was. She died at 90 after an accident and before this she was honestly like a 60 yr old. Way better physically than my ex MIL who isn't quite 70. Your DC may not want their own DC, honestly I've never given a thought to being a grandparent in the future. As long as my DC are safe, well and happy in the future then I'm happy.

Take care of yourself and enjoy your baby 💐

My mum was 38 when she had me, and in her early 70s has a much more active role in my children's lives than my MIL, who had my husband when she was 25.

I absolutely understand OP. Had my first at 42 after 10 cycles of IVF, and adopted my second even later. They are my delight and joy and mean everything, but I alternate between guilt at not being younger for them, grief at what the future might hold for them, and fear of burdening them.

Plus resentment that my medical issues meant a dead decade in my 30s of trying to achieve what others had effortlessly, with the only alternative being to accept the loss of the only thing I really wanted - a family. I did win through in the end and wonder if it's just part of my / our nature that we now fear the win will be snatched away by a twist down the line.

But. These things that torment us are thoughts, not facts. As well as good advice from PP that the present is all we really have (past no longer exists, future may never exist) two thing have really helped me:
Finding great role models. My aunt, for example, is 80 and goes cycling every day, is sharp of mind and indomitable of spirit. If I can be like her, my DC wont be missing out. This is a more comforting comparison than my DF, so it's the one I focus on.

Making a decision that I will just have to be 10 years younger in terms of health, interests and outlook. Its amazingly empowering. Who cares what the number is? These are the things that count.

Good luck OP and congratulations on your beautiful DS!

OP I am 38 with a 2 year old and a 4 month old, I get these thoughts too. Sometimes I get a wave of sadness about what parts of my childrens lives I might miss because I'm older. The only thing I can do about it really is enjoy the time I have with them and look after my health as best I can to be here for as long as possible.

39 is a completely normal age to have a baby. No one knows what’s going to happen in the future, and there’s no way to control the future, really.

I agree with the poster upthread who mentioned PND. Have a chat with your doctor maybe. Congratulations on your wonderful baby

I met someone on a training course once who was about to become a single parent at 56. I often wonder how she is getting on now.

* Plus resentment that my medical issues meant a dead decade in my 30s of trying to achieve what others had effortlessly, with the only alternative being to accept the loss of the only thing I really wanted - a family. I did win through in the end and wonder if it's just part of my / our nature that we now fear the win will be snatched away by a twist down the line.*

This is exactly how I feel right down to the dead decade of my 30s. I felt so powerless during this period which is crazy because while IVF didn’t work I did achieve so much else job, house, and security-wise. I have this dread that everything will be taken away and if not now then in the future. There is also a bit of fear that if I’m not able to be useful to him as childcare in the future then he might take himself away from me - which is such a stupid fear because he’s not even 3 months old yet. A big part of this anxiety is driven by the fact that longevity doesn’t necessarily run in the family. 80-85 is probably the maximum my grandparents lived. My parents had circumstances that prevented them from taking care of their health as they should have and so probably won’t live as long and I’m not exactly the picture of health.

I guess if this anxiety has done anything positive it is that I am taking my health far more seriously.

I used to do this. I used to add my age when they were born to 18, 21, 30, 40!

I don't do that any more. My own parents were v young when they had me and that's helped.

I think you'll stop thinking about this as time goes on.

I used to think, omg I'll be 55 when my son is 18 but now that I'm 49, I realise that I'll still be me. Also, I see the kids' own strength and personalities and I can visualise them in the world after I've gone.

Not nice to think about it, but I can picture that now. Cycle of life etc.

You'll stop thinking about this before too long (I predict)

I think you should concentrate on the wins you've made and soak up every cuddle, giggle and smile. This time is so short. Don't waste your energy on thinking about the future. It will whizz by and you will regret not being fully present. Enjoy the now. No one can say what will happen. You could spend years worrying about it or make the most of the opportunity you've now been given xx

I just think you’re having a massive reaction and pinning lots of complex feelings onto one thought you’ve had. I had a massive reaction after having our first baby after multiple miscarriages. It’s entirely normal. My midwife at the time said that often Mums especially can’t quite believe they’re actually going to end up with a baby if it’s been a rocky road getting to have a successful pregnancy - so it’s almost a bit of a shock once they’re actually born. Hormones play a huge part, and the lack of sleep. If you can, I recommend, you give the thoughts a label such as my “it took till I was 39” thoughts and notice them when you have the thoughts, be kind to them and then move your thoughts onto something else. The first 3 months are very precious but also very hard work. It’s all new, your baby and their needs constantly change. It slows down a bit now and their personality develops so they become a person in their own right rather than feeling an extension of you. Be as kind to yourself as you feel able - take care xx

Congratulations on ds! Its normal to feel the way you do but honestly it will get better. If you didnt have ds then you wouldnt ever have the chance to experience motherhood or eventually grandmother. Thats if ds even wants children. It is what it is age wise and if your in good health you can maintain good health for a very long time to come. My dm was 38 when she had my dbro and even though hes only 18 shes 54 and has loads of life left in her to see him. Im nearly 29 and ahe might be waiting a long time if she expects gc from me. Alternatively her best friend had 2 children and died aged 27. Life has a weird way of working out. As ds is so young maybe talk to someone about how your feeling? X

Your anxiety and hormones are talking, and (very understandably) the difficulties you had in having a child, OP. I also wonder whether you’ve internalised a model of much younger motherhood from somewhere?

I had DS a couple of months before turning 40, by choice, and I was the third youngest of my north London NCT group of eight. It’s an entirely normal age to have a baby, and my seniority at work has really been a boon for parenthood. I’ve never had the expectation my parents would do childcare, and tbh, I couldn’t care less about seeing my great-grandchildren.

I’m saying this not to denigrate your worries, only to suggest that they’re not shared by everyone who has a first/only child at 40.

I think you are probably suffering some type of depression so it's good to see you recognise this isn't normal and you are getting some help. We adopted our two after 15 years of childlessness. I was 49 and DH was 54. I'm now 63 with a 17 and a 15 year old. Most of my friends are 10 to 15 years younger than me. We don't do quiet types of things other friends our age do, think music festivals, sports events and permanent mummy taxi it's certainly not a boring life! But that's the way we like it. I always remember how much travel and fun I had when child free and could do and go anywhere. We are now well enough off to have retired and can concentrate on our two who both turned out to have special needs.

OP as a younger mother I envy your security. I didn't have a job or own a house when I had my children. It hasn't been fun to forego holidays and nice things. You at least have established your career and got housing security before having your child. Everyone's struggling in different ways so be grateful for your positives.

Also I don't know where you live but where I was in London nearly all the first time mums were between 35-45!

My dad was 23 when they had me. He died at 61, 2 wks after my youngest dd was born. He never saw her. In contrast, my mum is adopted, my gran adopted her at 39. My grandmother is still going strong at the ripe old age of 102! You just don't know what is going to happen so just take each day as it comes.

Failing a child has nothing to do with your age. As PPs have said, no one knows what’s round the corner and trying to predict or imagine what you will be able to do for your 22 year old child is not going to achieve anything. I’m not in brilliant health but I can look after my GDC. I can carry them, play with them, change them, bath them and put them to bed. I’m nearly 60. My DB is 70 next year and he and SIL look after their DGC with no problem. DB is incredibly strong and fit and probably much stronger and fitter than many people half his age.

It does sound like all the anxiety and stress has set you off on a cycle of worry which is very understandable. It’s really great that your HV is arranging for you to talk through your fears and I really hope it helps. You have been through a lot to have your DS and you deserve to enjoy parenthood without these fears taking up so much head space.

You sound a brilliant mum and being a brilliant mum isn’t dependant on age.

You never know what the future holds. My mil had her children in her 20's and died when her only grandchild was eight. On the other hand, Mil's mum had her last baby at 40. She's still alive and well (she's 100) and has seven great grandchildren (four from her last baby's grandchildren). It's so sad that one of her own daughters died quite young, but it goes to show that we just don't know what the future holds.

My MIL is 71 and my FIL 77. They easily cope with looking after 15moDD four days a week and have her for overnights when we need them to. They get bored in school holidays when I’m not working and ask to take her for the morning etc.

My own dad is 67, cycles 80-100 miles four times a week and does at least five ski tuition weeks a year. We’re in the Alps at the moment and he’s currently off piste at the top of a glacier with his similarly active lady friend.

Life in your 60s, 70s and 80s nowadays is very different from the past!

Oh, lovely.... I somewhat understand this but it’s very normal to have children in your late 30’s/early 40’s these days.

Make it your mission to stay as fit and healthy as you can and you have every chance of being around for future grandkids.

My nan had my mum at 43, she passed away at 92... she was a fantastic nan to me and my younger sister. We have loads of wonderful memories with her and she provided some childcare for us.

My best friend passed away age 36 of cancer. She never got to see her baby grow up, never mind any grandkids. Who knows what the future holds? But you could very easily have many happy years with future grandkids.