45 year old with 3 year old struggling

[jobbymcginty]

Hi my ds turned 3 the other day I'll be 45 in a few months I also have a teenage ds.
I feel like the most shit mum. I work nightshift so that doesn't help .
I'm constantly tired and I know I don't have the same energy I had 13 years ago with ds2. My little bit wants to play constantly, follow me everywhere an I'm just so tired I feel such a shit mum. I love my kids so much and both my ds were very much wanted I just feel so lazy and don't know how to get better at doing things with my little one. Most of the time I just want to rest

Yes you will feel so much better if you get some sleep! I agree it will be bad for your health to keep this up too.

Eh. You are working all night and caring for your child all day. No wonder you are tired. How much sleep are you actually getting over 24 hours?

Can you swap to doing every set Saturday and Sunday night shift - sleep all day Sunday. Then pay for one day childcare on the Monday.

It's not as easy as swapping shifts as the manager makes the rota up, she's pretty accommodating to me but she has to think about the other nurse who works opposite shifts from me.
If I'm night shift I don't get any sleep in a 24 hour period except for my hours break which I don't get every night depending how busy it is

So you are getting no sleep at all? That's insane. You will make yourself very ill. It's not being 45 with a three year old that is the problem here.

OP if I get less than 6 hours broken sleep a night I am a mess and my tolerance levels are non-existent. I can't image not sleeping for that period and trying to amuse a 3 year old.

Think it is time to think about what your options are.

I'm sorry about your mum too. That can't be helping either x

You definitely need to sort out a way of getting some sleep. I’m also a shiftworker and every night shift I’m awake about 28 hours at a time (no sleep before but sleep after) which isn’t nice but doable. Occasionally if the kids are ill and off school I get no sleep after and am up 36 hours. It’s absolute torture and definitely not feasible long term. Can you pay for a few hours childcare after night shifts until his free hours kick in?

OP this has nothing to do with your age.
It is ridiculous that your DH goes out every Saturday by himself.
He needs to care for your ds so you can catch up on your sleep. What is he thinking!

Wow. I can hardly believe you do that. Please please please put your child in a nursery after your night shift. All day in nursery not just the morning. Your husband can drop him off on his way to work and pick up on way home. Your husband will just have to quit his hobby to pay for it. If you carry on with this madness your sons will have no mummy.

Share this thread with your partner.

OP you may be entitled to 30 hours childcare for your DS if you both work, that's a full school day and some extra sleep time for you

www.gov.uk/30-hours-free-childcare

OP does your husbands hobby cost any money? If so, why is there money for that before childcare?

This omission impossible to maintain. You either need to give up your job or but your son in nursery in the morning so you can sleep or use a child minder

It’s not your age. It’s the night shifts. Sleep deprivation is terrible and the lack you are having and the disruption in your sleep is really bad for your health. That’s not sustainable. Could you work one day at weekend which DH could cover, do a short evening shift somewhere once he is home or get a day shift and you and DH pay for childcare between you until you get your free hours. I wouldn’t even be functioning if I was working all night and had a 3 year old all day!

If your son is 3 you’re entitled to 15 hours free childcare a week. Perhaps that’s what you’re planning to use with the nursery but if not then get a childminder who will accept those hours and get some sleep.

Wow OP, no wonder you are tired!!! I'd be exhausted. Your DH needs to drop his 'hobby'. (It's usually biking isn't it 😂😂)

Can you afford any help at all? Even a babysitter for a couple of hours after school might help. A cleaner?

Have you really thought about any ways you can make life easier? Batch cooking? Supermarket deliveries, less cleaning? Can your teen pick up any extra chores.

That’s insane.
Your DP needs to catch the DC and all tasks as soon as he gets home so you can sleep.

It’s an absolute necessity, he’s putting both you and your DC in danger by forcing you to be responsible for them both in this state.

Hobby, ffs!

Goodness, it's not your age. I promise. it's the night shift!
I'm 47 with a 5-year-old, OP, my third DC. It is absolutely true that yes, age does make somewhat of a difference, but not loads.
It is exhausting being a mum. It is unfathomable being a mum on so little sleep. You're amazing. But please, please try and see if you can kill those night shifts. It'll do your long-term health no good.
My youngest didn't sleep through the night until 3. And when I say didn't sleep through the night, I mean he was up 9-10 times a night. I wasn't human. I was getting no sleep, night or day and yet, I was probably getting more than you. I blamed a lot of how I felt on my age. When my little boy started sleeping regularly (like the week before his 3rd birthday) and I did as well, I was like a whole new woman. At 47, I do have the same energy levels as I did at 37, just not the same stamina (so for example nowadays, I need a lot more downtime after I've done a Big Kiddie Day out).
At our age especially, sleep is The Priority. It has to be in order to make 'older' parenthood work. You need to be healthy and happy, OP. This is paramount. Is there any way you can change your shift?

How old is your teen, by the way?
Any possibility of a lie-in on a Saturday before DH goes off to do his hobby? And can you steal another 2 hours of sleep in the afternoon while teen keeps an eye on your little one?

Hi thanks for all your kind replies, it's great to now realise it isn't my age that's the issue but my dh and my work!!
My dh doesn't get it he's never done a night shit in his life apart from once when he had an emergency at work and had to stay till 2am, and he thinks that was a nightshift!
I've decided to apply to a few nursing agencies. If i do a 12 hour day shift on a Sunday the pay will be equivalent of my nights I'm doing just now,
Yes dh hobby does not involve bikes but the moto x ones ,
The free childcare doesn't start till April and I don't qualify for anything else. I'd love a cleaner as house is a tip I deep clean it every Friday and by Monday it's a mess again.
My 13 year does watch him for a few hours on a Saturday morning to let me sleep, but I'm only talking 8.30-11 and it is better than nothing

Swapping to one 12 hour Sunday shift instead of nights will massively improve your energy levels and hopefully, once you feel with it again, you can tackle the big problem of the useless dh.

Yes definitely I just don't have the energy to deal with anything just now, I'm not that kind of person normally I'm usually bubbly and full of life, I don't think I'm depressed just utterly exhausted

You simply can't work all night and then stay up all day looking after a child, no wonder you are tired.

Why is childs father not helping at all? He can't just do a hobby all day Saturday if you need to sleep then.

Can you shift your work to working friday night shift, so then saturday you sleep morning until 3pm ish. Dh has to ditch hobby, and look after child.

Then a Sunday day shift. Again Dh has child.

If you have child 5 days a week full time, DH can have him on the weekends.

As a husband i do often feel surprised at what other husbands "get away with" at their wife's expense.
However without effective communication he probably has no idea how you feel.
I kind of agree with the previous posters who g said show him this thread, as he is probably blissfully unaware how tough it is.
Yes everyone would love a partner so attentive they can spot the issues and resolve them without comment, but then they will spend a lot of time resolving non issues and end up with anxiety.
The long and short of it is try to communicate with your husband and help him to understand how you feel. Then hopefully he will help.
Good luck!

Your partner is shite.

1h a day and a Sunday because he's busy with a hobby? Seriously?

Tell him to drop the fucking hobby and start actually being a dad. Oh, and change his working hours to something more suitable. His age is no excuse. He needs to stop being a selfish oaf. The fact he genuinely allows you to function in a permanently sleep deprived state while he fucks off to his hobby on a Saturday is bordering on abusive.

If he wanted to do this with his life at his age, then he should not have had a child.