Am I wrong to not want leave my 4 month old with grandparents yet?

[Gdizzle14]

Okay so I'm feeling really guilt tripped by my mum. Ever since DS was 5 days old when he left hospital mum has wanted to "have a go of him" alone, as she puts it. Every time she came to see him she would say things like "no don't look at mummy you don't want her you want nanny", or "no you can't go bk to mummy she's had you all day" or "you're going to know what side your breads buttered on", or she would tell me to leave his eye sight.... I could go on. He had a tough time in hospital and was very unsettled and sensitive/ attached to me. I explained to mum in the early weeks that he cries uncontrollably until he comes bk to me most days, to which she replied "whats the worst that's going to happen, he'll stop crying eventually". When I politely explained that I don't agree with this approach and would rather wait she replied "I know I know, but he won't remember it you know.. But what do I know hey"

I love my mum but we've never been close emotionally, and she has always joked that I was a bitch from the day I was born, "even the midwives shoved a dummy in your mouth". We've never fallen out despite years of such comments, I smile and bite my tongue as I don't want to upset her, despite how much it upsets me. Shes a good woman just really insecure I feel.

I suppose I'm writing as I now feel like a bit of a lion with a cub. I really don't feel ready to leave my baby with anyone but dh, particularly when I'm being so pressured to do so. I caved at 3 months and mum took him for 5hours. On my return he woke crying and she joked that I must've pinched him. She then mocked to my dad that she told him I'm be desperate to get my hands on him. I realise I'm maybe being overly sensitive with this.

She's now saying she needs to have him again so she can bond, and I don't want her to. She seems to become more manic with him by the day, anxious that he doesn't like her ( he's only 18 weeks old!) . As a result he does tend to cry around her which reinforces her anxiety and subsequent pressure to "bond alone". I take him to hers all of the time and she's welcome to come over as much as she wants, I keep out of the way and she takes him to her room. I'd even love her to want to do more with the 2 of us.... Am I being unfair to her? I feel so incredibly guilty but furiously frustrated at the same time. So sorry for the rant!

He's your baby. And you make the rules.

I was very lucky that I was there when my grandson was born, and had regular mornings with him since he was around 4 weeks old. I'd pick him up so DD could get some sleep, and we'd go back around 2/3 hours later. She expressed so I could give him a bottle.

It does help if they're used to being around other people, and it's good to have a break - but it should only ever be on your terms, not anyone else's

Op l am horrified you think this is ok...
She is an evil woman, cruel to you for years now she wants to take a very young baby off his mother..
for context l didn’t leave mine with anyone until they were around 18 months.... and l have lovely parents..

You really do need to step up, put her firmly in her place and keep her far away from your baby.

If my DM spoke to me like that l wouldn’t see her full stop..

You are a parent now, take control and don’t do anything you don’t want to.

GP don't need to bond with kids or force to bond with them
Babies however, need their parents to bond with them. your baby your rules, If you're not happy about something then it's your decision, dont be bullied to do what others want you to do

Whoah. She sounds very manipulative. Hes your son. Dont let her guilt you into it. If you feel he'll be upset without you your instinct is probably right. I'm only just starting to leave 7m old with dh for a few hours at a time.

You are not being unfair in the slightest.

Dc 1 was 1 year old when i left her alone with my mum. Dc2 was very clingy so was 2 before she had him alone. And dc3 is 2 1/2 weeks old and she has just looked after her alone.
It should be what suits the baby/child and what they are ready for.
If your son is distressed by being away from you, it simply doesn't happen.
The most important needs is your sons not your mum's.

It's your baby and your mum is being very overbearing!! I think it's a good idea to put in firm boundaries about what is ok and what not sooner rather than later. You can do it politely but firmly.

If you're not happy to leave the baby alone with her don't do it. Simply say that you don't want to be apart from baby at the moment. If she starts the guilt and comments just repeat what you said. Don't engage or justify you don't have to. It's easier said then done. I still struggle with my mum who breaks many of our home rules and does things her way with the kids, but she lives far away and it's only a few times a year. So pick your battles but don't budge on stuff you care about!!

Good luck! Hopefully the novelty wears off and she clams down. If not maybe try and disengage a bit more and see less of her so it's not so stressful.

Tell your mum your baby is not a doll or a toy to be played with. It's your baby do you make the rules and decide what is ok. I haven't left my baby with local grandparents due to them making comments that suggest they don't respect the fact I'm my babies mum and not them. Don't put up with her behaviour to avoid upsetting her as it will be at the sacrifice of your baby

You aren't being unfair. Your baby and your choice as to how much contact you have with her. I'd back off seeing her so much. There's plenty of time for her to bond over the next few years!

Try to scale back contact with her and enjoy your baby.

It is not good for babies to be apart from their mums as another poster said

He's your baby. You don't have to leave him with anyone. And honestly I'd never want to leave him with her when she's said she doesn't see an issue with him crying!!! It's perfectly normal not to want to leave your baby. Just tell her no and maybe put a bit more distance between you because honestly she sounds horrendous

I don’t understand why there are so many grandparents talked about on here who want their grandchildren alone; my mum and mil didn’t start having DD alone until she was nearly one and did a very good job of bonding with her while I was there.
Your baby is still young and there’s no reason to leave him unless you’re ready to, just keep saying no.

Just tell her straight she had her turn being a dm. Now it's yours. End of discussion...
Do it by text if you can't face her. Let her huff.

I still regret giving in when I was pressured to let the grandparents look after DS before I was ready, it only made my PND worse. She has no right to make demands.

You're not being unfair, I understand the pressure you're under but you don't have to leave him until you're ready!

I've got a 18month old, first time I left her was at 6 months for a wedding, it was just the afternoon and I wasn't ready, the second time was for an appointment and I left her with my mum and she was about a year old at this point. Now I'm quite happy to leave her while I'm at work - she goes to nursery and occasionally my mum will have her while I pop to the shops.

Definitely felt like a lion and her cub at the beginning!

Your baby your rules, don't do anything you feel uncomfortable with.

My MIL acts very similarly, she literally pounces on the baby the moment we arrive and runs out of the run with her. It really pushes me to go into protector mode. I'm happy for her to be more hands on with my two year old but, of course, she shows very little interest now they're a toddler.

At the end of the day though, she is your mum so I'd handle it as delicately as possible without giving in - having a grandparent close by who can take your baby when they are older is absolutely invaluable.

Wow thankyou all so much for your replies. I've never spoken to anybody until recently about difficulties with my mum ands it's truly overwhelming for me to read how people think it looks from the outside looking in.

I suppose I've felt guilty thinking... Is it that I'm not ready to leave my baby, or is it that I don't want to leave him with my mum specifically... A mixture of the 2 maybe? I have colleagues who are mental health therapists who I'd feel more trusting of which really saddens me as I'd love nothing more than to feel that way about my mum.

I'm going to try really hard to look at the situation objectively as you all have thankyou, it's just so hard when someone you ultimately care about regardless of what they do has been in your head for so long making you doubt yourself xxx

Hi,

I just wanted to reach out to thank you all again for your comments as I have been reading and rereading them to try and maintain some perspective!
She's no better really despite me putting distance between us and not letting her look after my baby. I went to my parents driveway last week out of guilt as I knew they missed him and they immediately told me to come in. I've got no backbone and went in out of fear of being rude, which goes against all of my principles in the current pandemic! 🙁. They've not seen him in 2 months and immediately took him off me without so much as as "how r u", even my sister who lives at home acted the same before I'd stepped into the house her arms went out to get him. He was really quiet which was how I could tell he was feeling overwhelmed, and as my mum walked away with him he gave me the biggest sad face. I softly asked if he was okay (as I do because I'm big on talking to him and recognising all of his emotions, whereas my mum is more of a "goo go ga ga type) to which my mum replied for him "oh he's fiiinne" as if I was being ridiculous. I felt really undermined and disappointed in myself.

He's 7 months old now and I guess I was wondering, is this now an example of me being an overly possessive mum because he's no longer newborn? I'm more than happy for people to interact with my baby as I want him to be confident and sociable. But he hadn't seen anybody let alone them for 2 months now due to isolation so it felt quite cruel how he was pounced on by people he doesn't remember very well.
Mum continued to remind me that she would be happy to look after him for me as I left, and told me that she can't wait to "have a go of feeding him". I'm worried that because of how intense she's been for so long it's me who's now being unreasonable because shes suffocated me so much? I'd really appreciate your thought, please be honest with me! Xx

They sound smothering. No, absolutely don’t leave him with them if you don’t want to. Don’t let them guilt trip you. As posters above said - your baby is not a toy. And he’s really little - He’s relying on you to protect him, and this means not sending him to stay with people who will leave him to cry himself to sleep. There is no possible reason he needs to stay over at such a young age.

Wait until he’s older.

Just to be clear - my opinion relates to 7month old baby, in case you thought I was replying to your original post.

You are not unreasonable to be feeling this way, whether he is 7 weeks or 7 months. Your mother is treating him like a toy. She's disregarding your feelings and his feelings. She sounds like a bully. She's put you and him at risk by guilt tripping you into breaking the lockdown rules.

You need to find a way to stand up to her and stop letting her treat you like a doormat.

She needs to be told firmly exactly how it is . You are going to have to be forceful . Do it with your dh there to back you up.

Until you put her in place she will continue . Be clear this is my child however I think you need to go low contact . She has treated you badly your whole life . I think you may well need counselling at some point to find your way out .

The good time having your own family to withdraw and you become the matriarch of your family .

Your child does not need to separate from you

Some grandparents really piss me off. My granddaughter lives over 200 miles away, I haven't seen her since January. I could not be more bonded. She fills me with joy and I find her totally amazing. I didn't need time alone with her to feel that. Your mother just wants to put you in your place, less 'motherly' than she is. Tell her to sod off.

Your mum sounds horrible and bullying. Shes knackered your self esteem and now you dont feel like you can put in place your boundaries.
I would tell her to sod off personally.
My mum is similar. We were very low contact for years. It's a bit better now but I never let my guard down/trust her really.

Yup, this is quite common. When I had my daughter my mum (who is a generally quite a relaxed parent) became crazed about needing to bond with my daughter. I think it was exacerbated by her living a way away so every time she saw us she would be keen to try to get the child to a place where she would "remember her". Totally unrealistic expectations about what she could do with a baby at this stage: My daughter is now 2 and adores her GPs - it is much easier to develop a relationship gradually as they get older and honestly my daughter is as close to her GPS as she could be given that they live a way away. I am pregnant now and my mum has calmed down a lot - I think she now remembers better that kids do develop more slowly than you remember in hindsight (she was pushing for weaning very early so she could feed her for example) and that they do get to a place where it is easy to have an independent relationship with them, it's just that the early days are quite mummy focused and a baby naturally does need their mother around quite a lot (even if babysat for a short period by others).

You are not wrong! Stick to your guns. You're in charge of your baby and you get to decide. The more someone tried to force me to leave my little baby alone with them, the more reluctant I'd be.

Bloody hell I've just seen your update! Can't believe they guilted you into going into their house. They really put their needs above his there! How selfish. They can say whatever they want about having a go with him, just smile it off. When it comes down to it, you decide if any when anyone else feeds him. And it won't be in lockdown when we are not meant to be mixing with other households.