Am I wrong to not want leave my 4 month old with grandparents yet?

[Gdizzle14]

Okay so I'm feeling really guilt tripped by my mum. Ever since DS was 5 days old when he left hospital mum has wanted to "have a go of him" alone, as she puts it. Every time she came to see him she would say things like "no don't look at mummy you don't want her you want nanny", or "no you can't go bk to mummy she's had you all day" or "you're going to know what side your breads buttered on", or she would tell me to leave his eye sight.... I could go on. He had a tough time in hospital and was very unsettled and sensitive/ attached to me. I explained to mum in the early weeks that he cries uncontrollably until he comes bk to me most days, to which she replied "whats the worst that's going to happen, he'll stop crying eventually". When I politely explained that I don't agree with this approach and would rather wait she replied "I know I know, but he won't remember it you know.. But what do I know hey"

I love my mum but we've never been close emotionally, and she has always joked that I was a bitch from the day I was born, "even the midwives shoved a dummy in your mouth". We've never fallen out despite years of such comments, I smile and bite my tongue as I don't want to upset her, despite how much it upsets me. Shes a good woman just really insecure I feel.

I suppose I'm writing as I now feel like a bit of a lion with a cub. I really don't feel ready to leave my baby with anyone but dh, particularly when I'm being so pressured to do so. I caved at 3 months and mum took him for 5hours. On my return he woke crying and she joked that I must've pinched him. She then mocked to my dad that she told him I'm be desperate to get my hands on him. I realise I'm maybe being overly sensitive with this.

She's now saying she needs to have him again so she can bond, and I don't want her to. She seems to become more manic with him by the day, anxious that he doesn't like her ( he's only 18 weeks old!) . As a result he does tend to cry around her which reinforces her anxiety and subsequent pressure to "bond alone". I take him to hers all of the time and she's welcome to come over as much as she wants, I keep out of the way and she takes him to her room. I'd even love her to want to do more with the 2 of us.... Am I being unfair to her? I feel so incredibly guilty but furiously frustrated at the same time. So sorry for the rant!

I can understand them wanting to grab him; I haven't seen my DGD for months and I miss her so much, BUT one, you wait for the baby to be comfortable to come to you and two, why do they feel the need to take him away? Bizarre.

Be reassured it isn't you in the wrong, it's very much them. They are behaving very oddly. I am more than happy to play with DGD with her parents in the room. In fact in the early days I felt happier when they were there in case she started crying, when she went straight back to mummy. It's fabulous having grandchildren because you can give them back .

I suggest that when lockdown is over you have some counselling sessions to help you lose the guilt and build up your self esteem so that you can stand up to your DM. Seriously. I let people walk all over me when my DC were young and didn't get counselling until I was in my 40s. I wish I'd done it sooner.

In the meantime don't be guilted into going over there again. You are not over possessive at all. Your family are in the wrong, not you.

I think you need to practice saying no. You are his parent and it's your call.

7mo is pretty early for an overnight. If you felt safe and comfortable it would be fine, but you don't, so it's not. Grandparents aren't entitled to overnight stays. It's your mother's responsibility to reassure you, to demonstrate she can be trusted to respond appropriately and with love to your son's needs while respecting your wishes. Instead she has used every opportunity to undermine you and disregard your wishes and your son's needs. She has bulldozed you, and more fool her, because she's blown it.

I think it's likely that throughout your life you mother has been emotionally abusive and undermining towards you (how could a newborn be a bitch?!). This might make it hard for you to see her bullying behaviour for what it is.

And don't worry about your DS's social skills. Our babies look to us in strange situations to judge, and I bet you looked bloody horrified. I would!

How about next time she invites you over, when it’s allowed, you tell her beforehand, either over text of the phone, whichever YOU are most comfortable with.

Say I will only come over if you respect me as DS’s mum and listen to what I say. He will not be handed over immediately, he needs to get to know you again, so this will be from my lap or my arms, I am his mum and I know when he is happy and comfortable so you need to follow my lead.

Have the conversation beforehand so it’s clear and you don’t feel pushed into anything.

Once you get there, if you feel your boundaries are being pushed and not respected then leave and tell them why. You will only need to do this a few times before she gets it. Or if she doesn’t, then rethink if you want a relationship with someone who doesn’t respect you.

Thank you you all for taking the time to respond to me, I've really appreciated every message. I think youre all right it is really hard to see things for how they are. I have a lot to be grateful for outside of this behaviour as I have been successful in life and my mum has always been there practically if not ever emotionally, which I think is one cause of my guilt if that makes sense? I feel like I'm being ungrateful for everything that she's done for me.

I try to confront her about things but I think that I try so hard to be polite about it that I probably undermine myself. Mum also has a habit of getting really upset and defensive. She then acts like she's treading on eggshells with me like shes intimidated which leaves me feeling like a terrible person. 🙁

I'm going to try and limit contact further and see how it goes as I don't feel able to confront her as I always end up feeling like it's me that's the problem. I've deleted my social media so hopefully some privacy will put me out of sight out of mind maybe?!

I have an almost 7mo and I'd not leave him with my parents for a long stretch. I left him for a short bits between his feeds when we went on holidays with my parents and inlaws, and that was enough for everyone really.

Your baby - your rules. Not wanting him to stay with your (sorry to say) quite toxic mum is a good thing, it's your brain warning you. Do as you feel.

Absolutely agree with all the other posters- hate people treating babies like toys to 'have a go with them' my in laws can be a bit like this- and as a result I would not leave my DD with them until I was certain she was old enough and I was happy. Do not do anything you are not comfortable with, you do not have to. Xx