Thinking of giving up breastfeeding at 3 weeks

[LoveIsLovely]

Hello, I need some support/advice. I am not in the UK.

I had my baby 3 weeks ago and am thinking of giving up breastfeeding already.

I had a traumatic birth, tore a lot, episiotomy, then they took my baby away and bottle fed him immediately. I was so exhausted that I didn't question it, and I didn't breastfeed til the next day. I was told to try feeding every three hours then giving him a bottle - I didn't know any better which I feel so guilty about as I should have read up more on it and realised that giving him a bottle wasn't a good idea if I wanted to breastfeed. Maybe that is stupid but I knew nothing.

I had a lot of tearing and sitting down to breastfeed was extremely uncomfortable to the point that I cried a lot every time I did. I tried a lot of different positions but nothing worked and I didn't want to lie down in case I fell asleep with him underneath me. I'm basically healed now but my nipples hurt and I'm tired of the pain.

Now it's three weeks in and my milk still hasn't come in. If I pump, I get maybe 20ml after 30 minutes.

He has no problem latching, sucks a lot but falls asleep a lot too, making it hard to feed him.

I saw a lactation consultant today and she said I should keep feeding every three hours for 30 minutes but if he falls asleep, it doesn't count as part of the 30 minutes. The thought of having to feed him for 40 minutes or more at a time is just so draining. She gave me a bunch of tea and told me how to do massage stuff and I am just drained thinking about how I'm now supposed to do a 30 minute massage twice a day as well as everything else.

I have plenty of help from my mother in law and husband and yet I'm still struggling. I feel like the world's laziest and shittest mum because I didn't do my research and I am too tired to feed him.

Today as he was feeding, he kept falling asleep and I couldn't stop crying with frustration. I feel like I can't enjoy being with him at all.

I don't know why I feel so guilty, I was never a "breast is best" type, but I feel like I didn't even put in the minimal effort and like I'm giving up too early.

This is a bit of a ramble, I'm just wondering if anyone else has been in this position.

I could never get DS to latch on properly. We tried a bottle and expressed milk but he wasn’t getting enough. DH and DM went out and bought baby milk and DS was so much happier. I tried to express for a couple more weeks and told myself that the bottled stuff was ‘top up’ but it really wasn’t. Like you I felt guilty and that I had failed - again as I hadn’t even given birth properly (emergency c section). After a couple of weeks DH took the breast pump away and DS was exclusively formula fed. I had a couple of people make me feel bad but my baby was happy, healthy and gaining weight. He’s now 11 and simply wonderful. We have a strong bond, he has no emotional or health issues. I wish I had been able to say no earlier as I made myself physically and mentally ill over it. At the end of the day, feeding your baby is the only thing that matters. I hope you can find some peace and support with this.

First of all congratulations on the birth of your baby. It sounds like you've had a difficult few weeks, You should give yourself credit for getting this far , being a mum isn't only about how you feed your child . Bottle or breast Is irrelevant in my opinion , a baby will feel secure and loved with that special bond regardless of how you choose to feed, if you spend time together.
Don't punish yourself, what's done is done. Move on and decide what you want to do from today. Lean on your support network, remember your baby won't have a clue how it was feed in a couple of years and having a happy healthy mum is a priority too.

Pumping doesn't work for everyone, so just because you are only getting a small amount as a result doesn't mean that your baby isn't getting any milk.

I had to mix feed from the beginning with my first as he went into special care straight away and was tube fed. I wasn't able to try and feed him myself for a couple of days, and even then it was pretty hit and miss as I was so poorly I couldn't get to the special care unit without help. Once he was off the tube it was a mix of bf and bottle. It can work. I continued to mix feed until 6 months, but never managed to express more than a drop or two.

But the important thing is that baby is fed, and that you are both happy. If trying to bf is making you really upset and anxious, it is not going to be good for either of you. Stopping trying is not failing - you are making sure that your baby is fed, just like every other mother. That is what matters.

Would you want to honestly carry on if your milk came through better? If yes buy fenugreek from h&b... It really helped my supply within 2 days... Worth a go. stopped me giving up. I also dual fuelled with a bottle of formula for late evening feed.. Frowned on but it worked for me...

If not... Then stop breastfeeding.. Honestly some people really struggle as baby or mums body don't cooperate... Its nothing you've done wrong. Honestly I always think it's great if you gave it a go... You managed 3 weeks that's fabulous

Congratulations on the birth of your baby.

Do you have any support services where you are such as breastfeeding groups? If the latch is painful your baby may have tongue tie or issues with his latch.

My baby really struggled with latching because of tongue tie. I cried when I gave him a bottle of formula on day 1 thinking I had failed him and it would be the end of my breastfeeding journey but a midwife told me there are certain cultures where they don't breastfeed for the first few days opting for formula instead but then go on to breastfeed for around 2 years so that bottle will not damage your supply but they should have spoken to you first!

On the first 6 weeks I was lucky to get 20ml if I pumped. Babies are far more efficient at getting milk than any pump so it's not a reflection on your milk production.

My health visitor and a midwife said to me that babies won't feed for set times and to expect 5 minutes here and half hour there. She told me that where we have a cup of tea then breakfast followed by another cup of tea before lunch babies can do the same so to see the short feeds as babies cup of tea. Odd analogy but it worked for us. I did massage and hand express when my baby fell asleep on the boob to see if it would get him going again but if there are no health or weight issue it isn't really necessary.

A fed baby is the aim whether by breast, formula or combination of the two. If breastfeeding is having an impact on your health you need to do what's right for you. If you want to continue it might be worth trying nipple shields for a while and joining a support group to assist you with getting a deeper less painful latch. what ever you decide op it's not a reflection on your ability to be a mum. Your baby just needs warmth, security, a full belly of either type of milk and a clean bum

Your baby just needs a happy mum not one that can't enjoy being with him. I know that breast vs bottle feeding feels like such an all consuming issue for you now but it really isn't. He will be fine as long as he is fed and cuddled. No one will be interested in how he is fed a year down the line. Do what feels right for you. If that's feeding formula then that's absolutely ok. He will be fine

Happy mum = happy baby. Don't beat yourself up over it. If your baby is being looked after, loner and fed you are doing an amazing job. It doesn't matter if it's breast or bottle xxx

Ask yourself honestly what you want, do you want to breastfeed or would you be happier bottle feeding?

How much you express is no real indication as to your supply, your baby is the only real indicator - happy, contented baby, plenty of wet and dirty nappies.

The first 6 weeks of breastfeeding are hard, it does get easier once you are established. Lasinoh nipple cream and nipple shields are great if you're in pain.

BUT if you feel like you want to stop don't feel guilty. Fed is best!

I gave up at a few weeks with dc1 as she wouldn't feed and was instantly happier on formula. Dc2 has taken to bf really well but those first 6 weeks were still hard.

Pumping is as much of a skill as breastfeeding. You need to massage before and during sessions, eat fenugreek / oats etc, and pump after every feed.

Being able to pump 20mls after each feed is actually really good. It’s a high output that means baby is getting enough: if baby hasb10 feeds per day then you are pumping around 200ml which is excellent.

My milk didn't come in and dd nearly ended up back in hospital I bottle feed and I think it's so much easier and she's a happy healthy baby.. do not guilt your self enjoy your baby and if that means giving a bottle do it.. do not waste this time being unhappy when it's an easy fix..

As others have said, you have to do what is right for you and your baby.

But, if you do want to try to express and continue to build your supply, I found it easier pumping earlier in the day. By evening I wouldn't get much.

Also, oats really boost your supply so stock up on what you fancy - porridge, flapjacks, oaty biscuits etc. .

While expressing, I found I could trigger a milk let down by looking at photos of my baby or my partner. It really helps.

Good luck! This stage is really hard. It will get easier. You've got this!

Ohh goodness I've been there! The most important thing I can say to you is not to give up on a bad day.

I wouldn't be worried about not getting much out of the pump; the pump is not a reflection on how much your baby is getting. Since you've seen a lactation consultant I am assuming that your baby has been checked for a tongue tie, but if not, I would want that looking into. Posterior ties can be hard to spot, and make feeding more tiring and more difficult for baby.

The second most important thing that I can say to you is that every drop of your milk is important - whether that's exclusively breast feeding, a bit of both, or just one feed a day. They don't call it 'liquid gold' for nothing.

Was your lactation consultant IBCLC certified? I'm not sure I'm a fan of her regimented timings and durations - some babies are just very efficient feeders (my second was, no feed ever lasted longer than 5-10 minutes). It's a good idea to just hang out in bed, topless/or nearly topless, having some lovely skin to skin time with baby.

How are you doing in terms of wet/dirty nappies? that combined with weight gain is really the only indicator that baby is getting enough.

If you're worried about supply then there are certain foods that might help boost it, oats and fenugreek are the main ones, but if you google 'galactagogues' you should get some ideas. For me though, while oats worked well, I found it was just that I needed to eat A LOT to make enough milk for my babies, and that the richer the food the better. My babies were basically fed on clotted cream and rice pudding.

Remember, you're only 3 weeks in, you've had a terrible delivery, you're tired and you're sore, but most importantly you're doing you best, and that's awesome. It does get easier, but this part is really really hard, and there is nothing wrong with you for finding this tough. Breastfeeding is surprisingly difficult for something so 'natural'.

If you're looking for something to read, then the Milk Meg, or Kellymom are really good sources, as is the Analytical Armadillo
themilkmeg.com/milk-meg-blog/
kellymom.com/category/bf/
www.analyticalarmadillo.co.uk/

Congratulations on your baby
The first few weeks can be overwhelming without this

I don’t have much to add as you have had some excellent advice. Apart from to say even without all the things discussed a three week old breastfed baby likes to feed and feed. And feed
With all three of mine I barely did anything else except breastfeed are that stage while everything else went to shit.

If you want to carry on then loads of top tips here.
Breastfeeding is often tricky but once established it is actually very relaxing and so convenient. And free!

Feeding does get easier over time. Most newborns take 30-40 minutes to feed. By 3 months it will be 5-10 minutes. I’m on my third and I’m two months in. It’s tiring and frustrating. But I push through.

Thanks for all the messages.

This morning, I decided to stop breastfeeding. I have suffered from depression and anxiety in the past, and I could feel those same feelings coming up for me again. I don't feel bonded to my baby at all, I love him but I was starting to feel annoyed whenever I looked at him, knowing that I had a break of an hour before I'd have to start feeding him again. Every time he feeds, it's so painful and after two weeks of constant pain with my stitches, I just couldn't deal with anymore pain. I just want to enjoy him and love being with him.

He also has reflux and has to be upright for at least 20 to 30 minutes after feeding so it was getting really tough to sleep more than an hour at a time.

I also have ADHD and have to work really hard on organisation and stuff at the best of times and I could see the routines I've built up over years falling apart. Yes I expected this with a newborn but it was really upsetting for me.

I feel so much better knowing that I won't have to go through the stress and pain anymore. I don't want to remember the first weeks of his life as being this awful, dark time. I just want us both to be happy and healthy and breastfeeding is not allowing for that right now. Last night he got so upset as he tried to feed because he couldn't get enough milk and I just thought why am I putting us both through this? He screamed for an hour afterwards and I felt so guilty and had to get my husband to hold him as I was crying so much too. I don't want to go through weeks of that trying to increase my supply when it might not even happen.

Thanks again for all the advice.

Congratulations on your baby.

There is no right or wrong decision for you to make here, just what’s right for your family.

If your still stopping breastfeeding then for your own health slowly cut down the feeds and then stop to prevent block ducts and infection. Don’t be fooled by not pumping masses into thinking you’re not producing milk. My chunky baby was ebf from 2 to 6 months and you’re going pumping way more than I managed. This is not to beat you up, I had a similar story to you with my think first baby and made the decision to stop feeding mostly due to poorly latch. If it’s right to give up then do but don’t getting loads of milk pumping, the amount you had is a great amount btw and a fussy baby in the evenings at 3 weeks are both completely normal. Don’t just go cold turkey with the feeds.

OP 3 weeks is excellent!!! Your wee baby has had fantastic immune system boosting goodness courtesy of you!
if it's now time to progress with new things then that's the right decision for both him and you.

Well done Mummy xx

Be careful going cold turkey as you could get mastitis. Can you feed lying down while cutting it back? Get some cabbage leaves too to reduce your supply, and ibroprofen for reducing engorgement.

Its bloody hard to bf, well done for doing so long especially given the pain. You need to enjoy time with your boy.

I found breastfeeding really hard. Was convinced I didn’t have enough milk. I eventually found the right balance- a lot of side lying feeds, skin to skin time, and not worrying too much about it, backed by formula top ups to make sure my little one got enough. The best advice I ever got was that breastfeeding was a head game- you can’t see how much you are producing, your pump output can have no relation to how much your baby can get out of you, and the only thing to do is to keep an eye on wet nappies and try and relax. Babies can be fussy for a lot of reasons, not just not getting enough milk. It’s a cliche but it does also get a lot better with time- my first six weeks were a nightmare with feeding but we’re at 13 months now and it’s a wonderful part of our relationship (barring those times when she bites or has a new tooth coming through). We also managed a good couple of months of exclusively breastfeeding, so even though I thought I didn’t have enough milk I actually did.

As others have said, I’d advise that you don’t go cold turkey. Mastitis is not a fun experience! You might want to try formula top ups with occasional feeds for comfort and to slowly drop your supply. You could also try ignoring your lactation consultant and just feeding whenever you see feeding cues for however long your baba wants to feed, keeping a close eye on hydration and weight to make sure it’s all going well. But if you can’t or don’t want to continue, you should still be very proud of getting to three weeks. It’s a real achievement, particularly with the difficulties you had.

Definitely have to agree with on demand feeding. I think scheduling newborn feeds is bollocks if I'm honest. And combi feeding is great.

Not going cold turkey.

I have already made my decision and don't need more advice on how to continue. Given what I've explained about depression and so on, please do not continue to try to explain how I can continue. This is the right choice for me.

Congratulations- I have three children, tried to breast feed the first two and felt those feelings of anxiety and depression you have. My third child is 5 months old and I said to myself I wasn’t putting myself through it and bottle fed her from 2 weeks old. I enjoyed being a mum to a newborn with her, and it 5 months I am so much better mentally than I was with the others, well done for recognising that in yourself.
For what it’s worth- my eldest is 7, and in a line up of his class, god his whole school even- I couldn’t tell you who was bottle or breast fed, there’s no difference in the children at all

Don't feel guilty, I honestly think if you have a traumatic birth it stops your milk coming in, kind of your body is in shock. Like you I had an horrific Labour & birth & I never had a drop of milk, my boobs never blew up like I expected them to, the midwives at the hospital tried to put pressure on me to try to bf, I was in high dependency lapsing in & out of consciousness & kept on waking up to a midwife trying to clamp ds on me & I was so drugged up I couldn't find my voice to say no, 3 days later I was back on this planet, found my voice & told them enough was enough & demanded a bottle. Poor ds was starving & gulped his first bottle down that fast he threw most of it back & then screamed for more, he fed almost constantly for 48 hours. Once we got going on formula he never looked back. Your mental health is more important than BF, your baby will never remember that you didn't bf, so don't beat yourself up about it.

@Shookethtothecore @Nat6999 Thank you for understandin, it is a hard decision to make and definitely causes some guilty feelings but I know those will pass. It's so silly as I know a lot of women formula feed and it doesn't even cross my mind to think they are lazy or taking the easy option so why does it feel that way for me??

Nat, your experience sounds awful. I'm sorry that happened to you. It's almost like the opposite to mine, the nurses insisted on bottle feeding him and I didn't have the strength or knowledge to say no. I was so messed up after the birth, I felt like I was going crazy. Plus the fact that I don't speak the language of where I live fluently (enough to survive and have a conversation but definitely not fluent enough to have a conversation about feeding options while in a state of trauma), it was really difficult.

I too had a traumatic birth with an episiotomy which took 3 months to heal, its tough. Pumping is no indication of supply, you baby is much much more efficient at removing milk than a pump, its actually not recommended to pump before 6 weeks if you are wanting to ebf. If your baby is gaining weight and seems content they will be getting what they need, trust me. 3 weeks, for me was the hardest time, DS was constantly attached to me for hours on end but it gets better and a lot easier around 6 weeks. Have you managed to get to a breastfeeding support group or joined UK breastfeeding support on facebook? You have done amazingly to get to 3 weeks its no mean feat this breastfeeding business