Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Husband afraid to take baby out without me

32 replies

SundayGirlB · 09/02/2020 10:07

Husband is great with a 9mo, they have a fab bond and he can do all the baby care and I've learned to let go. In fact I've learned so well that I really want him to take our son out so I can have the house to myself for a couple of hours. I never relax so I'd like to stay at home and read a book in bed rather than sit in a cafe/pound the shops.

But the most he feels comfortable with is a 45min walk really. He could nip into town, take him to a class or soft play etc but he isn't confident enough. Our son is ebf so used to be very reliant but he is only feeding at night and at naps now so can easily go 3 hours once he has had solids.

How can I help him feel more confident? Do it incrementally or just down tools?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Scrunchy95 · 09/02/2020 10:15

Make sure he has all he needs in a bag and then just send him off. What can go wrong? It isn’t easy for you and it won’t be easy for him, that’s the point. You get a break and he manages as best he can, just like you do when he isn’t there. He may come back with a sense of achievement. Or not. But you get a break.

Clymene · 09/02/2020 10:21

What exactly is he worried about? Sounds like an excuse to me - it's not like your baby is a newborn!

Original poster

SundayGirlB · 09/02/2020 10:34

@Clymene I'm not sure really. He doesn't really see the baby in the week and never has him on his own so think it's just making that leap. He is his father though and as you say, baby not a newborn so he needs to just get stuck in. I'm trying to be patient but I do get a bit annoyed.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

6-9 months old 9-12 months old Babies & sleep Families

MsChatterbox · 09/02/2020 10:39

Is there family he can go and visit? That's a nice controlled environment to build his confidence. If not then I will tell him to travel somewhere further. A soft play that's about 30 mins away. Then that's an hour travelling and an hour at soft play.

CatalogueUniverse · 09/02/2020 10:43

Swimming lessons
Football/rugby something as soon as possible.

I’m wondering if all the Daddy and baby classes were set up by exasperated mothers to force men out the house with their kids.

Are you working/going back to work soon? This needs sorting or he will forever be the secondary parent. Perhaps that’s an angle you could use, if he actually does not want to be secondary parent.

CatalogueUniverse · 09/02/2020 10:45

Plus while you going out is not your first choice - try doing that so he can get used to being solo parent at home, that’s what you did.

Mumdiva99 · 09/02/2020 10:51

This isn't unusual. (Many of my friends and I have been through this). It does get easier....over the years. suck it up for now. (Book yourself a fabulous spa morning though) But when baby is a bit older find a Saturday morning activity which is 'special' to baby and daddy - mine took eldest to a multisport club at about 18/24 months old. It was probably the first time he'd ever taken child anywhere alone!! -- Yes we all have friends who have perfect partners who can do it all.....but not all of us do. (Mine is fabulous in other ways though - count the blessings of the things he is good at).

Dozer · 09/02/2020 10:52

I have a MH issue and was frightened about being out and about with DC1. Avoidance makes anxiety worse.

Original poster

SundayGirlB · 09/02/2020 10:52

The only family locally is mine and he isn't a confident driver trying not to roll eyes. He can walk to town though. I'm currently upstairs while they are downstairs playing. Think I'll start going to yoga or something at the weekend as I need to do something and instill something regularly.

@CatalogueUniverse good point, I will work on it from that angle. It is genuinely important he makes the most of the weekends as he is not here in the week.

OP posts:

Original poster

SundayGirlB · 09/02/2020 11:01

@CatalogueUniverse not sure re work. Due back in June but have asked for a sabbatical so may be January.

@Mumdiva99 he is very good with other stuff - very supportive and good with housework but it is baby free time I need. I even volunteer to do DIY and cleaning just to mix things up a bit. If you knew me you'd know that me volunteering to do housework is a sign I really need a change.

It's more about the mental load. I know I am with our son much more so I will be more familiar with baby care but I don't want to be the expert in our child that is always deferred to. Something closer to equality would be nice.

Been considering cancelling request for sabbatical and actually going back in June to force things to equal up a bit.

OP posts:

GoldenOmber · 09/02/2020 11:06

He just needs to bite the bullet and do it. Confidence comes with familiarity. He’ll feel confident after he’s done it a few times and seen that it’s been fine.

Mumdiva99 · 09/02/2020 11:11

He'll get there. (and I know you might think why should I baby him....bit just do it..... it's worth it in the end.) My husband is also a nervous driver - (this completely identifies me in RL) - he can now do home football matches, get to scout hut/brownie hut, and park in one specific car park in the town centre!!!! Bloody good job he pulls his weight in other ways. (He's far more inclined to hoover than me!)

Jessie9323 · 09/02/2020 11:15

Is there a local swimming time on a weekend? My husband and I went a few times together with our son then he felt he knew what to do so could take him on his own. Little things like knowing there is a strap on the change table etc helped his confidence.

thethoughtfox · 09/02/2020 11:16

Do one trip where you with him for moral support but he does the parenting and then he will be fine.

Original poster

SundayGirlB · 09/02/2020 11:17

@Jessie9323 will look for swimming or a weekend class. Husband seems to get easily flustered and knowing the routine and where things are etc helps. It annoys me though as I face this everyday but trying to be kind and work with what I've got.

OP posts:

CatalogueUniverse · 09/02/2020 11:19

I’d go back in June.
With a schedule that means you can’t do every drop off and collect. Ideally with days so if your husband collects one night he also does the drop off so he does the organising of what’s needed at both ends of the day.

But - you’ve built up to this level of confidence of solo parenting. And he needs to do the same. So start going out in increasing amounts of time and for different parts of the day. Also ease up on the facilitating and planning and start being vague or asking him what x should have for dinner, etc etc. The only way to not carry the mental load is for him to take some. He can’t if it’s all done invisibly.

Jeepers. I’ve just realised it’s the adult equivalent of getting kids to do stuff. Verbalise the thinking, then ask them in direct terms, then ask them in increasingly vague terms then don’t ask.

So from
Before we go to bed we brush teeth so they are clean and looked after while you sleep.
it’s time to brush teeth
Have you brushed your teeth
Have you done all the ready for bed things
Eventually you don’t ask.

We all build up to autonomous competence for things. From supported during task to solo responsibility. The baby stuff is no different. None of us knew what we were doing we learned as we went along with friends, websites, books etc etc. He absolutely can get to your stage of competence by June.

Kanga83 · 09/02/2020 11:19

Depending on where you are in the country you may have a dads and tots group on a weekend, or library story time in a group or just to look and explore some books. Mine felt a bit more comfortable with things like this rather than just wandering.

Jessie9323 · 09/02/2020 11:23

@SundayGirlB I think it's because so
Many people tell men they don't know what they are doing to be honest haha. I work shifts and my husband has been spending at much time as I do looking after our son and he is great at it. When I went back to work when Ds was 6 months old I was constantly questioned by women as to who was looking after my child at night/during the day while I was sleeping, erm his father 🙄.

It's all about growing confidence as you mentioned. I saw a previous poster say about go out as a couple but your partner does the parenting and I agree. It's knowing to ask for a key for baby change, which places have them etc. He sounds like he's great with her so I'm sure with a bit of gentle encouragement he will flourish soon enough

30not13 · 09/02/2020 11:23

Re driving, can he do some extra lessons, the pass plus perhaps?

OldMumYoungNan · 09/02/2020 11:29

Why can’t he hang out at home and you go out?

He just needs to find his feet and build his confidence and I think it’s understandable if you’ve been doing most of the parenting while on maternity leave and he’s had no previous experience of babies. Plan some outings for yourself and leave them to it.

And don’t take on the mental load of planning classes and activities to do. I wouldn’t even bother packing the bag, I’m sure he can sort these things out himself when he’s ready to head out.

Dozer · 09/02/2020 12:20

I wasn’t a confident driver either, and had to work hard on that, including with refresher lessons.

If like me he has a MH issue he should work on his health. That will include working on things he currently finds challenging.

If he’s OK health wise and just opting out of things he finds uncomfortable, that’s not OK as it’s unfair on the DC and you. And not good for him either, actually.

NearlyBaked · 09/02/2020 12:26

Do you have any friends around with children? Safety in numbers - could send him out to spend time with another dad/child which might help his confidence.

BertieBotts · 09/02/2020 12:31

Rip off the plaster and just do it! :)

Do you know any other couples with kids the same age? Try getting the dads together. IME this comes into its own more when the DC are toddlers that need exercising every day like dogs, but no harm starting now. Or do a family day out with another family, farm Park type thing and send the dads off with the babies while you sit with the other mum and relax over a coffee /wine.

Dozer · 09/02/2020 12:37

Don’t manage the “mental load” of organising his time in sole charge, that’s his responsibility. It’s not U to want a few hours home alone sometimes.

Original poster

SundayGirlB · 09/02/2020 13:03

@BertieBotts @NearlyBaked we know one other couple really, we all meet about once a month. Otherwise it's just mums I've met on mat leave. I've sent him a link to a dads group and a dads weekend play session but he hasn't jumped on it might have to push him instead.

@Dozer he has no mental health problems think he is just dodging what makes him uncomfortable in this instance which is really unlike him.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2